Endo-a-Go-Go

Spring is on the way!

2011-02-15T12:32:00.002-06:00

Is anyone else 42 years old and wondering why oh why they want to parent a baby again? The warmer weather is slowly making its way back. And here I am, thawing out and perusing Do*nor Embryo blogs. Again. It gets me all giggly and excited to read the success stories.

But then I think about how in 6 years our two children will be in college. Do I really want college-aged children AND a kindergartener? What in the world am I thinking?

I tried to call the clinic near us who facilitates DEmbryo transfers. They were at lunch. I am hoping they still offer this service and that it's still affordable.

Back to other things that need to be done. Hugs to all! :)

Hello Again

2010-11-09T20:45:00.002-06:00

Wow...6 months since my last post!

Since April we sold our home and moved three miles away to the country. Life is about the same including the fact that I just can't quite let go of this desire to pursue em*bryo adoption.

Gotta get back into reading EA blogs. I miss the awe-inspiring stories. (((smile)))

No plans yet

2010-04-16T08:49:00.002-06:00

The pace with my girls has picked up this Spring so I have yet to make any appts concerning do*nor em*bryo transfers. I am really, really scarred after the IVF failures so I am not sure I can move forward with any other ART treatments.

Love the links to blogs I am getting that capture stories of DEmbryos. Thank you.

Thank you for the links

2010-03-19T21:01:00.003-06:00

Many of you posted links to some wonderful do*nor embryo blogs...THANK YOU ever so much!

Some of you asked DEmb questions and I will answer them this weekend.

Our little family just started spring break today. Ivan is reading the paper, Goose and Lily are on separate laptops side by side playing on Web*kinz. Pooch is in my lap. Feline Friend is nearby, never far from his humans. We are just "veggin'" and it feels oh-so-good.

Ivan and I will discuss this baby business over the break. I want to jump right in when I think about it but there is a lack of enthusiasm. Remember the 'wounded' thing? Well, I still am. I think I might be too drained to do this again. Maybe I just need time. It's weird, this place I'm in. Very strange. Will assess later.

Right now I am just basking in the glory of being on "vacation" for the next week. We are not traveling...just hanging close to home and doing various projects, seeing movies, doing fun outdoorsy things all week. Perfection!

Just want to say "ugh"

2010-03-17T10:47:00.002-06:00

I am ready to endure 2-3-4 transfers using donated embryos. The thing is...this stuff costs money! I feel SO VERY GUILTY for continuing to do this! Why can't I just leave it alone? I am terrified of turning 50 and saying to myself "why didn't I try harder?" Ivan deep down wants to parent a baby again which is why, even though he is a major money miser, he continues to say "yes". (

Spring Break is next week and then I think I will schedule a visit with the DEmbryo clinic (two hour drive).

EEKS! Post any donor embryo blogs you know about! :)

I can't believe I am typing this...

2010-03-13T23:27:00.002-06:00

...embryo "adop*tion"....

Yep, we found a clinic two hours away that allows "adoption" of embryos. They have 50+ embryos on ice currently ready to be matched with a couple. It's a really low tech and affordable option as compared to the mind blowing cost of donor egg IVF. My gosh, I get sick thinking of what that pathetic cycle cost us.

Truth be told, this is what I wanted to do two years ago. We adopted our two beautiful daughters and this was the natural next step for me. However, the clinic we were working with (who has a satellite office at my GYN) did not offer it so I just thought it wasn't possible in our area.

After learning about this opportunity at the other clinic I called Ivan at work. He easily and happily said "yes" to trying this next step. Embryo adop*tion will be the final attempt at pregnancy for sure. After that we plan to stop at two or adopt again.

Our journey to another child isn't over just yet! :)

Hormones back on track

2010-03-08T20:58:00.003-06:00

Finally back on the pill. Period over.

Lots of energy today. Got tons done after weeks of nada. Whew, feels good.

I can't think about this failure. I can't think of another IVF. I can't think of having a baby. It's much, much too painful. When those thoughts enter my mind I run screaming to something else to focus on.

Starting lots of home projects...painting, floors, etc.. That will get me through Spring and then we will see what I can obsess about over the summer.

Thanks for the sincere thoughts about our neighbor. So very sad.

Spring is here. Let's hope it brings with it lots of healing. For many of us.

Update: I take BCP's for my endo.

The $20k Period Started

2010-03-04T21:39:00.002-06:00

Finally. It's about time. Still numb from all of this.

Neighbor was found dead this morning, late 40's. Left two children without a mother.

What else would the universe like to throw my way?

Back to helping Goose with 1000 point Olympics project. I. Need. Sleep.

Not knowing when to let go

2010-02-28T10:22:00.005-06:00

No tears yet. Still stunned and bewildered.

Ivan said the funniest thing last night...

"yeah, we could do it again but I am not giving *that clinic* any more money".

As in he might be willing to give ANOTHER clinic some of our money.

(((choke on my G&T)))

So I pull up another clinic two hours west (that does NOT contract with my GYN) and they have a listing of their egg donors on their website. You can only see basic info and must have a PW to get more info. Ivan actually walked over to my PC and looked at few with me...

Ummm...while doing this again is my absolute heart's desire, I cannot rationalize it. It feels selfish and indulgent. When do you say "enough is enough"?

Can I share one of my heartbreaking fears of never being pregnant? My fear is that some day, when my precious daughters are pregnant, I won't be "in the club" with them...they won't feel like I "get it". Does that make sense?

You see....I count each time a family member or friend is finally done birthing babies. I cross them off my list with a sigh of relief. Whew, don't have to host another baby shower for her...I don't have to listen to her gushing pregnancy comments ever again...thank god I don't have to see her beautiful bulging belly any longer. And it goes on and on.

But there is always one more person pregnant...it never ends! And how will it feel to go through pregnancies with my girls? Will they see me as a valid "giver of advice"? Let's be clear folks, we IFers know more about being pregnant than most of our fertile friends! But, do others realize that? I don't think they do.

I wish I could let go of this. I need to. When do we know to let it go?

The day after

2010-02-27T17:03:00.002-06:00

I have not cried yet. Am really just stunned right now.

Th reason an email was part of this is because I could not hear the words "negative" again. I told the coordinator to email me with a negative and call with a positive.

The email did not get lost. She never emailed me. This has happened repeatedly since we started the donor egg process. I wouldn't hear from her and she would always blame it on email getting lost, etc..

The coordinator was off yesterday, the IVF nurses called her and she never emailed me, plain and simple. There is NO WAY someone has THAT many email issues.

Just settled in with a gin & tonic...after having to mop the floor and shower after the tonic water EXPLODED all over me and the kitchen!

Gin do your work....

Negative

2010-02-26T20:52:00.002-06:00

The coordinator must have been contacted or got my scathing email. She just emailed me how sorry she is that I DID NOT GET HER EMAILS. She is effing LYING.

BFN. What else would I expect from that place.

Good luck everyone on your journeys.

The RE Did Not Call With Results

2010-02-26T18:40:00.002-06:00

Yep, you read it right.

They never bothered to contact me. I called the medical exchange and talked to the main GYN who happened to be on-call. He said the DE coordinator was out today and that the IVF nurses must have "missed the fax". So I am supposed to endure another effing PIO in the morning only to get bad news as soon as someone bothers to call me in the morning. I mean, seriously, if it was a "positive" don't we all think someone...a janitor....might call me?

Ivan is FURIOUS!!!

I am sick to my stomach with sadness and anger and disappointment.

When this is all said and done I will be outing this clinic on my blog.

CD 26 7DP5DT

2010-02-25T12:12:00.004-06:00

Went to bed again last night with an aching groin/uterus/bladder. I am not sure what it means but it's, well...strange. Lying in bed last night while my bladder was cramping I was thinking "holy crap, what if this worked?". I started talking to Frosty in my head, asking him to hold on. Silly, huh?

My big issue today? THIRST. I cannot rid my mouth of this "thirsty" feeling. Water, water and more water which means lots of peeing, peeing and more peeing. Ugh. I just want to sit here under my warm blanket watching We*eds on Net*flix and not move.

The beta is tomorrow at 8AM and I am terrified beyond measure. I don't want The Call. I can't hear bad news again... I just can't! I would HONESTLY rather keep plugging along until it was obvious that I was P or not P. Waiting on that call is cruel, cruel torture. I have JUST enough PIO for tomorrow morning's dose, up until today refusing to order more. And then, in a thirst-crazed moment this morning I panicked about the off-chance that i need it for Saturday morning and Free*dom doesn't get it here until Noon? I spent the $30 and ordered more.

Will report back how awful tomorrow morning's "stick" is.

Blogger Award

2010-02-24T12:58:00.007-06:00

Beautiful Blogger Award

Heather over at BigPandMe nominated me. Thank you, Heather. I will try to follow through appropriately.

The rules of this award are:

•Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
•Copy the award and place it in your blog.
•Link the person who nominated you for this award.
•Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
•Nominate 7 bloggers.
•Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

7 Things About Me (interesting or not)

1. I cannot tolerate tomato seeds or tomato skins in my food.

2. I never, ever tell people outside of the IF community how much infertility has altered who I am or how much it has scarred me.

3. Sweet decaf iced tea is my favorite drink. I suck it down all day long like a junkie.

4. One of my daughters was diagnosed with ADD and I cannot express how this impacts our lives. This "issue" is with us daily as we strive to keep her on-task, organized, up to snuff socially. She is super smart so people just don't "get it" when she forgets to turn in assignments or cannot function very well socially. I would cut off an appendage to make her brain free of this. I love her beyond comprehension and her struggles rip my heart out. Dealing with this is 100x worse than the pain of IF.

5. Cream-filled chocolate. That's all I want for Valentine's Day each year. No truffles. No nut-filled whatever. No flowers. No dinner out at a fancy restaurant. Just assorted cream-filled chocolates.

6. I love to research dog breeds and DSLR cameras.

7. I am terrified of Friday's results.

A few beautiful blogs (there are so many more):

Jenicini@Trying To Get Knocked Up..
IVF40+
Eileen@We Got Hitched
Rachel @ Henry Street
My Endo Journey
BeeCee@Definition of Insanity
MusicMakerMomma

CD 25 - D6P5DT

2010-02-24T12:32:00.002-06:00

Hey all. Not much to report.

Went to bed with horrid indigestion...again. This time I had some mild cramping...again. My bladder seemed "annoyed" b/c I felt like I needed to pee but my bladder was empty. Also had some mild pain near my vul*va...aching sort of. The kind of aching you have when you have a terrible period.

Today very aware of BB's. I "feel" them in my bra...does that make sense?

Also, I have a "yawn" stuck in the back of my throat. I don't know how else to describe it. Some kind of awareness in the back of my throat. I remember having this two years ago with our BFP(mc).

I am tired, tired, tired.

None of this suggests much more than PIO side effects.

Beta Friday morning (which is actually two days earlier than it should be and the reason why I am able to hold out and NOT POAS).

CD 24 - D5 post 5DT

2010-02-23T17:33:00.005-06:00

Nothing to report. I was nominated for an award by Heather at BigPandMe but that post is a draft for now while I find time to finish it (b/c I need to nominate other bloggers)! Thanks, Heather...i will post soon!

I have horrid indigestion b/c of the PIO. Damned evil stuff!! I took my Pre*vacid but it's not helping. Very emotional. Really want a glass of port and will be SO PISSED if the beta is negative and I deprived myself the soothing smoothness of red wine. Pissed, I tell you!!

I dreamed about Frosty last night. He was a "she" and she had brown hair and I was so happy to have her in my arms.

BTW, there is NO WAY I am peeing on a stick...out of the question! I will never, ever see a negative pee stick again.

CD 23, Day 4 Post 5DT

2010-02-22T09:34:00.003-06:00

PIO is evil.

I started cramping again yesterday afternoon and was miserable. The only thing I can say is that PIO can really play with your body. My digestion is messed up, I am bloated and achy.

Today I am very crabby and tired. Major hunger.

Nothing much else to share. Just taking it easy this week.

ICLW Welcome! 2AM Cramping - D3P5DT

2010-02-21T09:08:00.007-06:00

Hi all. Welcome to ICLW. DH and I had a blast transfer on Thursday and will have a Beta on Friday the 26th. This is our last attempt with IVF or any kind of ART.

So strange. At 2AM last night (7DPO) I awoke to uterine cramping. It sent me scurrying to the bathroom. There was no spotting (not sure there could be with the PIO).

On our fresh cycle in November I had the exact same cramping on 7DPO in the middle of the night. Of course, that ended in a BFN.

What is this? You would assume some kind of implantation cramping but with the previous BFN that seems unlikely unless in Nov something started out and then promptly stopped.

Has anyone had implantation cramping?

Has anyone had this same type of cramping and then a BFN?

I am thinking it's nothing except my body reacting to all of the PIO and transfer, etc. Sigh.

*Update* the anxiety is officially building. I am on the verge of tears. Now that I am outside of that post transfer window where you don't have to worry about symptoms I am overcome with sadness. With each new day I will obsess (whether I want to or not) about symptoms and the lack thereof, etc. PIO is so freakin' evil b/c it mimics every pregnancy symptom there is. And I don't want to look for the symptoms, I want to ignore this entire thing. I don't want to be devastated on Friday but it's inevitable.

Blast on Board

2010-02-19T07:35:00.003-06:00

At noon on Thursday our little blast was transferred. He thawed beautifully and picked right back up where he left off, expanding nicely. They performed assisted hatching upon thawing b/c it was easy to do with the cells still dehydrated. And, like last time, they used embryo glue. My stenotic cervix was easy to pass through so no issues there. I have the day to myself to just relax and watch movies while I "rest".

This time around I almost cried before the transfer. Not only is this the last time we will ever visit the RE but I also didn't want to be putting myself in this position of pain again. I really am not having a pity party! You just become more realistic after enough disappointments....ya know? I am not at all dreamy or excited this time (our fourth transfer). I am going to be ready to move on one way or the other. Thank goodness the test is relatively soon, next Friday. It's a few days earlier than normal due to the weekend. Because of the early testing the RE DE coordinator told me to expect a low beta *if* we conceive.

I can't help but be in awe of the fact that a human blastocyst is in my uterus...it's surreal. I have only had 3 day 8 cells transferred before. For ONCE an embryo is in there when it's supposed to be! Thinking of all the possibility he has is really inspiring. He should start hatching today...I wonder if he will like what he finds?

The heating pad is my friend

2010-02-15T15:39:00.002-06:00

I cannot tell you what a difference it makes to:

(1) Heat the PIO vial next to your body prior to injection

(2) Heat injection site with a heating pad before AND after the injection.

A *world* of difference!

Frosty gets transferred on Thursday morning. I just want him on-board once and for all.

9+ lining but there is no joy

2010-02-12T11:49:00.006-06:00

Yep, beautiful lining and an "excellent excellent" blast waiting for us and yet I can muster zero enthusiasm.

It's official, ART has finally broken me. Normally I would be excited that my lining looks good and that our FET is next week. Sadly, I am numb to the entire process. I had to put on a fake happy face for my GYN who did the ultrasound.

You all know what I mean about the thrill of excitement when you start a new cycle. With each injection, blood draw, ultrasound, etc., we are in control (for once) of our fertility...we are actively working to set the stage for a pregnancy. With every month of TTC and then the six IUI's, our first IVF, FET, second IVF, I had such a surge of energy that "this time could be the time". With every cycle all systems were "go", everything looked "good" and yet we had nothing but disappointment every time.

This is not a pity post. Just a sad realization that the up and down of it all has finally removed any sense of joy or hope for this process.

PIO starts tomorrow. FET on Thursday 2-18.

Ultrasound and Bloodwork Tomorrow

2010-02-11T11:49:00.002-06:00

At the end of my estro*gen road. It has not been nearly as happy as it was in October. I have been in a mild state of depression since our BFN and am a little scared what the end of the month will bring.

Lab and ultrasound tomorrow. If my lining and numbers look good, we will proceed to PIO Saturday morning and our FET next week.

Hanging on to my red thread to Frosty. This will be the first blastocyst to be placed into my uterus. Ever.

Hold on Frosty, we are about to thaw you and see what kinda get-up-and-go you are made of.

Please, please fight.

A Red Thread?

2010-01-31T09:59:00.007-06:00

So the Chinese believe in a "red thread":

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet,
regardless of time, place or circumstance,
the thread may stretch or tangle,
but it will never break."

Those of us in the China adoption community talk a lot about the red thread and are able to look back and see those little threads leading us to our children.

Well, I think I could have found another red thread...at least I hope so.

Last night, I was looking through my Frank*lin Plan*ner (which I can't live without). I use the "week at a glance" pages and the pages I buy have a weekly inspirational quote listed at the top. Our FET is scheduled for February 18, pregnancy test February 25.

As I looked at what I had on my plate during those weeks, I noticed the "quote" for the week of our test. It's the SAME QUOTE posted on our frig that I typed and printed *over 7 months ago*. A quote I found online and one that defines my reason for doing one more IVF...the fact that I did not want to look back at age 50 with regret.

How is it possible that THAT SPECIFIC QUOTE is the one listed for the week of our BETA, our last chance at this whole thing? Those words have been my inspiration all along.

Wow. It made me say "wow" out loud. At the minimum it's a reminder that we made the right choice with "one more try" so I won't look back with regret. I would love to think it's a red thread to our little Frosty. We shall see.

Update: Actually, it's the quote listed at the right margin of my blog, forgot I had it here, too. I am still shocked at this coincidence.

ICLW Hello!

2010-01-22T13:07:00.002-06:00

Hey gals. Welcome!

We are about to start an FET cycle. My last attempt at ART. I have been trying to conceive off and on since 1995. We adopted two daughters in the middle and for much of that time I was on BCP for endo pain...so it's not like a surprise baby was going to be conceived.

Infertility has altered who I am. It has made me feel like less of a woman.

I am at the end of the road for ART...this one beautiful excellent/excellent frozen blastocyst is it. He will be transferred next month and we will see what happens.

(((hugs))) to all of you on a similar journey.

FET Stories Needed

2010-01-19T10:32:00.003-06:00

Is there a blog where I can find lots and lots of FET stories? I have scrolled through Cyclesista. Are there any other sites? If you have an FET story to share, please leave a comment so I can read about your experience.

Frosty is getting transferred in February.

New Year

2010-01-08T10:47:00.003-06:00

Did everyone just hear the screaming in my house? Holy Moly!

I posted to my FAMILY blog but it was a post meant for HERE! The words that flew out of my mouth! Thank goodness it wasn't Face*book! :O Whew, successfully deleted but now I have to rewrite my post.

So....it looks like 2010 will be the year of Frosty. We will transfer him in the next few months. There is no rush for *him* but I need closure. Need to know where this is all going once and for all.

I am really dreading the PIO b/c my bum still hurts from the last round. I think I have permanent nerve damage.

I said this last time but *have* to mean it this time....I am getting older and DE IVF is just too expensive to do it again....this is gonna "be it". We all have a cross to bear...and infertility will always be mine.

Hugs to all.

Welcome ICLW Bloggers

2009-12-21T07:30:00.003-06:00

Happy Holidays!

Wow, Christmas is almost here! I will be busy with my two daughters this week and am looking forward to time with family and friends. After the holidays Ivan and I will transfer our *one* DE blast and see what happens. Our code word when we talk is "Frosty the Snowman". We waited a long time to do this DE cycle and it was a huge failure with only blast to freeze. I honestly would love to ask for a do-over but I don't think it works that way.

Whatever journey you are on, I am wishing you peace and strength.

Checking In

2009-12-13T21:32:00.002-06:00

Very busy here with many daughter activities. Looking forward to 2010 so we can do our FET. I want to have hope in him but, oh dear bloggers, it's so hard to think he will do anything more than the others. The ONLY thing going for him...the ONLY difference is he will be a blast and I guess really that makes ALL the difference. Oh God how I wish there was more than one. Sigh. My one special little blast.

In my genuine deep despair last week, Ivan said we will do our FET and if that doesn't work.....

" we will do it again"

As in, another cycle.

I was speechless. It made me cry. It slightly lifted the fog surrounding my soul. Not that I am sure I could spend the money again. Just knowing he might consider it was enough.

Happy, happy holidays my friends.

Another Birth

2009-12-07T11:15:00.003-06:00

Precious niece arriving today. Love her parents. Happy for them. It's bittersweet.

Because of the craziness of the holidays I am less weighed down by the sadness. When January arrives, I will be planning for the FET. What terrifies me is Spring. What will it bring? Complete and final defeat? Or morning sickness?

Think about our little Frostie every now and then. Sigh. Wondering if he has what it takes.

Sending good wishes that everyone survives this crazy dash straight into the holidays.

The Walking Wounded

2009-12-01T19:38:00.002-06:00

That would be me.

I am taking care of daily life. Caring for my daughters. Making dinner. Volunteering. Taking part in small talk with neighbors. Updating my Face*book status. Going to sleep. Waking up. Shopping at Wal-*Mart.

But I am wounded. To the core.

Irreparably, beyond the shadow of a doubt wounded beyond measure.

And the kitchen needs tidying, shower needs to be taken, book needs to be read, children need to be put to bed.

Like I said, wounded.

PS
Thinking of our little Blast-On-Ice makes me want to cry. He has such pressure on his undifferentiated shoulder cells.

Period Started

2009-11-25T21:47:00.003-06:00

My period started Monday. It was much more manageable than I thought it would be. I am back on the pill and will stay on it until the FET in Jan/Feb/Mar. We will just do the FET when it feels right and when our schedule allows.

To be fair to our one little blast, he was frozen as an expanding "excellent-excellent". It's wrong of me not to have some amount of faith in him.

Happy Thanksgiving all.

Thank You Fellow Bloggers

2009-11-19T08:56:00.003-06:00

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement.

I am totally shocked by this outcome. For TWO YEARS I have been working on Ivan to do this...telling him about the wonderful odds in our favor. Admittedly, I feel like a bit of a fool for investing so much money, time and emotion into something that failed. I know we have our one blast on ice but at this point I have zero faith in a BFP.

Ivan has been wonderful. He isn't worried about the money but more worried about me handling the BFN. I am okay today but when the hormones start to go wonky before my period I will be a mess no doubt!

We will ~~muddle through~~ enjoy the holidays and do an FET after my January period.

I will check in on everyone now and then to see how everyone is doing. Sending warm wishes to all.

It's a No Go

2009-11-18T16:29:00.001-06:00

Beta Negative.

Will do an FET with the ONE BLAST in January or February.

Negative Pee Stick

2009-11-17T08:59:00.002-06:00

The dream is "over".

I peed on a stick this morning and it came back negative. Tomorrow is the blood test so it should have been positive today.

Not much to say about it. That $20k sure did go fast!

Yes, we have one blast on ice but there is NO WAY it will work if the two fresh ones didn't. Honestly, to spare myself the pain, I would rather not even do the frozen transfer.

This donor egg journey has been shitty, quite honestly. The fertilization rate was no better than my old eggs two years ago. And I got pregnant with my old eggs!

Just took a Pre*vacid so I can try and eat.

OMG.

2009-11-16T16:39:00.003-06:00

I can't eat anything without getting nauseated. Popping Tums like it's candy. Someone please tell me what morning sickness IS? Are you sick any time you eat? Doesn't eating make it better?

I am so sick.

Cycle Day 26

2009-11-16T07:07:00.005-06:00

* Temp 99.6 (it is staying slightly elevated)

* Mild headache

* Second night in a row could not sleep due to extreme nausea. Had to get up and eat crackers at midnight which calmed my stomach and I was able to fall asleep. I have never had *that* level of nausea that called FOR food. This was "OMG I have a stomach bug" kind of nausea.

* PIO was extremely painful this morning...Ivan hit a nerve or something. Horrible constant burning...like my face is cringing from the pain.

Cycle Day 25

2009-11-15T09:35:00.002-06:00

Weekend issues:

* gag feeling in back of throat (happened two years ago with IVF, BFP, M/C)
starts early morning and lasts all afternoon.
* BB's swollen and sore
* elevated temp of 100.6 (flu?)
* eyes are burning with each blink (allergy? cold? flu?)
* noticeable slight lower back discomfort yesterday

Not much going on, really. The "gag" feeling in the back of the throat yesterday was really significant. Eating did not make it go away yesterday.

I don't know if an elevated temp is normal for early pregnancy. I am guessing that over 100 means illness.

Day 6 P3DT (Cycle Day 23, 9DPO)

2009-11-13T13:50:00.002-06:00

Tired. Hungry. Enlarged, sore BB's. All potential PIO symptoms.

I woke to cramping in the middle of the night last night. There was also some "pinching" in my pelvis. It lasted a few minutes and then stopped. I had middle of the night cramping with my last IVF and got a BFP (miscarriage). It's common to have implantation cramping on day 8 or 9 post ovulation. However, I have had middle of the night cramping just out of the blue (when not TTC) so it's not a sure sign. Our uteruses are huge muscles and sometimes they cramp, plain and simple!

Hoping for more definite symptoms this weekend.

Test is Wednesday morning next week.

Day 5 P3DT (CD 22, 8 days post "ovulation")

2009-11-12T12:00:00.004-06:00

I HATE PRO*GESTERONE!

The evil monster is raging! My poor family. They must think I have lost my mind.

Nothing to report. Just taking the PI*O as usual, Prome*trium vaginally and 2 DOTS. If the embryos are going to implant, they should be actively doing so. Saturday will be day 10 post ovulation...a time when some women "suspect" that they are pregnant. I believe it was day 11 two years ago that I suspected something but it wasn't enough to convince me...turns out I was pregnant (but had an early miscarriage). So, I am anticipating "something" this weekend *if* this worked.

I will test early if I feel some real symptoms. If I don't feel anything, I will wait until the morning of the blood test just so I don't have to wait all day on "the call".

Day 4 P3DT (Cycle Day 20)

2009-11-11T08:39:00.005-06:00

I thought progesterone was supposed to make you feel calm and relaxed? Not happenin' here. I am 'crampy' in the mornings from the progesterone water retention and then just generally anxious the rest of the day. When I eat I have stomach issues due to the progesterone's effect on smooth muscle and digestion...mainly at dinner time.

Nothing to report, of course. The embryos are 7 days "old" today so should have definitely hatched and starting their "dig" into my endometrium.

We have just the one "excellent excellent expanding blast" on ice. The others were not suitable for freezing. A Dr at my GYN told me that her son is the result of an FET so that is encouraging news!

Just out of curiousity...does a twin pregnancy bring on pregnancy symptoms "earlier"...ya know, do you notice them sooner b/c of the double effect of their presence? Just wondering for later. I am certainly not looking for symptoms this soon!

I keep telling myself there is no reason for this NOT to work...lovely endometrium, young, healthy donor eggs.

We shall see.

Back to "Break*ing Dawn" (second time) and Food Net*work...they are getting me through "the wait". I deserve some down time and I am taking it!!

Day 3 P3DT (Cycle Day 19)

2009-11-10T10:38:00.002-06:00

So...if our Day 6 embies decided to stick around they should be hatching and looking for a suitable area in my endometrium to burrow down.

There was a study done of IVF cycles concerning implantation. By monitoring for HCG daily, the researchers found that implantation began between day 6 and 7 with the embryo nice and snug by day 9 or 10.

Dig in little embies, dig in!

Day 2 P3DT (CD 18)

2009-11-09T09:22:00.006-06:00

Good news from RE. We have been watching the remaining 7 embryos and here is what we have:

* One excellent-excellent expanding blastocyst this morning! That little bugger is going to be frozen for future use. (He was formerly an 8 cell good on Friday).

* One 6 cell good from Friday that will be frozen tomorrow!

That is encouraging news indeed! We transferred an 8 cell good-excellent and an 8 cell good so I would hope they also are beautiful little blasts in my ever-so-inviting uterus!

The remaining five are still at 20 cells so will likely arrest at some point.

Just "maintaining" today. Not down, not up...just trying to make it to next week.

Day 1 P3DT (CD 17)

2009-11-08T09:42:00.005-06:00

So of course I am regretting having the laptop on my legs/pelvis yesterday as I was reclining on the couch with my knees up....was it across my belly? Did the heat from the battery fry our two embryos?

Yep, it's all over, I fried our embryos...they died of heat stroke in my perfectly prepared uterus b/c I had to have my laptop with me.

Sigh.

And there is the fact that I think our RE is too conservative. I am reading about bloggers whose RE's transferred 3-5 eight-celled good to excellent embryos. Ours said "no way" to three!

Sigh. Again.

Geez, I want to be positive for Ivan but I feel NOTHING for these embryos. No dreaminess, no over-the-moon thoughts of my future children, no "PUPO" mentality (preg until proven otherwise).

Is this just me being realistic? A defense mechanism? Hardened negativity from years of disappointment?

This once-in-a-lifetime DE IVF has not gone AT ALL the way I wanted or expected...especially given the $20k price tag.

Sign. Again. And again.

I am not in "pity" mode but I am definitely not *at all* positive about this. The week of the test I have several settings in which I have to be social and pleasant and actually talk to people. And the next week is Thanksgiving!

Potentially another holiday with an empty womb.

This time forever.

Blood test November 18.

POAS November 17.

Two Embies on board (3 day transfer)

2009-11-07T16:50:00.007-06:00

Our transfer was this morning.

Good news awaited us when we arrived. Our top three embryos had made it to 8 cells and had moved up in quality. We transferred:

* 8 cell good-excellent
* 8 cell good

The other SEVEN are being allowed to grow to blast and they will freeze what makes it. I was SO happy they are letting the others grow instead of freezing them now. The embryologist said we should end up with at least two blasts to freeze.

The transfer went beautifully! Two years ago my stenotic cervix had to be forced open which made it bleed. There are a few studies that show this can impact implantation negatively. Not a worry this time! The RE passed the catheter right through...I never felt it.

Something that made me exclaim "WHAAATTT??" was when the donor coordinator told me they were using "em*bryo glue" on the embies. Have any of you heard of this? The embryologist admitted that they are not sure if it's hype or of true benefit but that when they have used it, they have seen success. He admitted it could just be the embies being used. They used it today nonetheless. Essentially it is a coating on the embryo that has nutrients and a special element that helps the embryos stick to the endometrium. (There are conflicting studies...I am not betting on this to make anything happen one way or the other).

Here is what is different about THIS fresh transfer versus two years ago:
1. cervix cooperated
2. on two kinds of progesterone (PIO and vaginal pill)
3. donor eggs
4. used Embryo*Glue

I am feeling much less "dreamy" about this transfer (as compared to two years ago) and am not going to obsess reading blogs, etc.

Well, the "bed rest" has been lovely so far! On the couch with my dog, my i*Phone, my D*ell and watching the Bree*der's Cup!

Go Zen*yatta!

Embryo report not so good

2009-11-06T10:27:00.004-06:00

Yep, it pretty much sucks.

3 four-cell "goods"
1 two-cell "good"

The rest - SEVEN embryos - are all FAIR OR POOR!

Three day transfer TOMORROW and we will transfer the best two.

I am crying. It's not going to work.

If you have blogs you can send me links to that resulted in pregnancy with "3 day goods" then please send those links.

I am in shock. And feeling stupid for spending $20k on donor eggs.

Sigh. Yes, pity party.

Fertilization Report

2009-11-05T10:04:00.007-06:00

Drum roll please....

11

Of the 18 eggs, 11 fertilized. :)

Tomorrow will tell us grading and cell count per embryo.

It's official, my husband has procreated with another woman!

We are looking at a 3-day transfer on Saturday or MY PREFERRED 5-day on Monday

As a frame of reference...our IVF two years ago with MY eggs resulted in 14 eggs retrieved with only 5 fertilizing "properly".

Egg Report

2009-11-05T07:22:00.004-06:00

Sorry gals! My afternoon and evening were crazy. Here is what we found out:

They appear to be nice eggs.

* 18 retrieved

* 10-12 mature (a few of those were on the small side)

Swimmers looked great as always and were added to all 18 eggs. We should expect a 50-60% fertilization rate.

This morning's call will tell us how many fertilized and that call should come before noon!

"It's up to you, now"

2009-11-04T10:28:00.003-06:00

That's what Ivan said when he called as he left the RE office. He drove 3 hours one way to "do his deed" and now is back on the road again!

He's right, it's up to the eggs to allow those swimmers in and up to my uterus to be a welcoming host.

No call yet on # of eggs. Will update when I get it.

Ivan's Contribution Today

2009-11-04T08:22:00.002-06:00

He is on his way to the RE now...three hour drive. He left super early and made several jokes on the way out the door...silly boys!

I should be updating you all later this afternoon about how many eggs we got. Hoping for a "quality" report as well.

Fingers crossed. This is too exciting for words. The wounded part of me doesn't want to get excited but how can I not?

Great Article About Donor Egg IVF

2009-11-03T11:20:00.002-06:00

http://snipurl.com/t1j0e

While sitting here in front of my loyal D*ell, researching do*nor egg this and that, I found this great article about a couple who know our pain and HAVE walked in our shoes. They finally found success with do*nor eggs. The story made my eyes water.

Enjoy.

It's GO TIME!!!

2009-11-02T15:37:00.003-06:00

Just got the call! Donor is ready!

* Retrieval 9AM Weds. I will get a call by Noon Weds as to how many eggs they get.

* Fert report Thurs.

* Embryo report Friday.

If the embryos are "iffy" it will be a Saturday transfer. If they are growing nicely, it will be a Monday transfer. I will be really sad with a Sat transfer.

PIO starts again tomorrow and the Lu*pron is over. I start Doxy*clycline, Med*rol and Pro*metrium on Weds. I stop the vaginal Es*trace and cut back to two DOTS.

Eeeks! This is really happening.

Retrieval Wednesday

2009-11-01T11:31:00.005-06:00

Everything is looking great with our donor! She has 5-6 follicles on each side growing at the same rate. That is about the same response *I* had as a 38 year old two years ago. At first the numbers disappointed me but then I remembered that it's about quality NOT quantity. I don't *want* 20-some embryos to freeze. The RE coordinator said that they don't like to "blow up" their donors....that makes sense to me. We just need 6-8 nice embryos. I just want one baby out of this. *Maybe* in a few years we will do an FET.

We are definitely going for a 5 day transfer so that means my "go" day is Monday, November 9. One week from tomorrow.

The only way we would do a 3 day is if the embies lack the quality to continue to day 5. The RE said the only time they do a 3 day with donor eggs is if there is a sperm issue. Ivan has outstanding sperm so I am totally planning on a 5 day. So glad ONE of us has fertility we can count on! :)

I have a busy week ahead so the time should pass fairly quickly. I can't wait to have a few embryos on board...if they are nice enough quality it will be just *one*.

Still a "go"

2009-10-28T08:09:00.003-06:00

Donor's estrogen is rising appropriately and all is well. Her next appt is Thursday where they will draw blood and do an ultrasound.

I went back and looked at our fresh cycle two years ago: I had an utrasound on Friday and took Ovidrel on Sunday night for a Tues retrieval. It's been nice to be able to look back on what we did so I can get an idea of what to expect this time.

My ultrasound to check my lining is this Friday. *Hoping* for a retrieval on Tuesday and a Sunday transfer in one week!

Health update:
Still have one sick child at home...day 6 of illness...we shall see if the fever returns again today.

Using a Net*i Pot, taking vitamin D3, prenatal vitamin and Tami*flu.

Stimming Along

2009-10-27T07:56:00.002-06:00

Based on the calendar I was given we can assume retrieval will be one week from today. The donor goes in today for a blood check...hopefully all looks good there.

Oldest daughter still has the flu...she is on day 5 of fever. Sigh. I am hoping we see improvement today. If there is no improvement today we will be visiting the Ped for a possible secondary bacterial issue.

This entire DE process has been a challenge from DAY 1! I have to hope this is actually lucky...the best things in life are worth fighting for!

I continue to be on Lu*pron, DOTs and Es*trace....oh, and Tami*flu!

Growin' Eggs Today

2009-10-24T11:16:00.003-06:00

Unless something has changed, our donor starts growing eggs today. Beautiful 21 year old eggs! :)

With that good news comes not so good news....the worst scenario imaginable came true in our home this week. H1N1! Both daughters have been taken down. Ivan and I are on Tami*flu so I am hoping we don't contract it. So far, so good. One daughter has recovered. The oldest just started with fever Friday so she will be contagious for a few more days. The Tami*flu should help shorten her bout with it. And, thank you IVF powers that be, Ivan will be protected by Tami*flu right up until egg retrieval. We just need to get his stellar swimmers in a petri dish without a fever interfering!

Please send good thoughts for no rogue follicles! We need evenly growing eggs!

Transfer the first week in November.

Growin' Eggs on the 24th!

2009-10-21T17:40:00.002-06:00

The donor's estradiol finally fell below 25! WHEW! We start growing eggs on Saturday!! :)

Toning down my enthusiasm ever so slightly is the fact that my youngest came home from school with a fever. Sigh. Not sure yet if it could be flu. Right now I am saying NOT b/c she really only has fever. None of the cold symptoms or vomiting/diarrhea that comes with the flu are present right now. Morning will tell us more.

Popping vitamin D3 like crazy so we don't get this. Ivan's swimmers cannot be exposed to a fever!

30 Days Until.....

2009-10-21T07:42:00.003-06:00

I am all about diversions right now.

New M*oon hits theaters in 30 days! I POAS that same week.

http://www.newmoonmovie.org/trailer/

Bring on the vampires. And bring on two lines.

Talk of changing donors

2009-10-20T12:45:00.003-06:00

Yeah. Imagine getting *that* email.

The coordinator emailed that we should be considering the possibility of having to switch donors. It knocked the breath out of me. I cried and cried.

Further emailing revealed that the donor is not backing out. It has to do with her estrogen levels. They think her blood may be the type that does not "read" well with the estrogen tests. You have heard of women who have pregnancy tests that come back positive even when they are not pregnant? Same issue. The tests show her estrogen is still too high to proceed but they think this is a testing issue rather than a real issue with her being suppressed.

We find out Wednesday for sure. The RE is having her blood tested in an outside lab (using more detailed testing I assume).

No eggs yet...

2009-10-18T08:21:00.002-06:00

The donor's estradiol level was a little too high. They are re-checking her Weds and if all is well then we will proceed with stims on Saturday the 24th. That puts an embryo transfer the first week in November. The *only* positive thing is that this no longer could impact Hallo*ween plans. We do have commitments made for the 30th and 31st so it will be nice not to worry about that. The new projected week of ET *does* interfere with some other commitments but those don't involve my children so easier to deal with. My biggest fear? This gives Ivan, the donor or me one more week to contract the flu! I am terrified it will impact this cycle.

Bummer. I feel like nothing with this has gone smoothly....is that possibly a good sign that it will work? The best things aren't easy?

I stay on Lup*ron and estro*gen for ANOTHER week.

Back to regular programming.

Growing Eggs...

2009-10-17T13:54:00.002-06:00

I think.

Today our donor is being checked to see if estrogen levels are optimum for starting stims and if so she starts TODAY! I hope to hear something later today but I doubt I will know until Monday.

I feel a lot better, much less emotional. Honestly, I think I was completely drained from vacation, fighting a little bug we all picked up at Dis*ney and just mildly overwhelmed that it was all starting..finally! (This is something I have been dreaming of EVERY DAY for over two years).

Still on Lup*ron and estro*gen and so far so good! BB's very sore...youch!

Will post Monday about egg growing news.

Lu*pron

2009-10-13T09:31:00.002-06:00

Has anyone else noticed bloating/weight gain on Lu*pron? I have been on it for almost two weeks and I am telling you, I can barely get my jeans on! How can it happen so quickly?

I feel drained. No energy, despite the four Vi*velle's and Es*trace. Is this also the Lu*pron? For some reason I feel really pessimistic about this cycle. I want to be excited but am overcome with anxiety and fear. I wasn't like this before the Lu*pron.

Two more weeks. Embryo transfer the last week in October.

Honest Scrap

2009-10-12T10:18:00.004-06:00

Thank you Circus Princess for the Honest Scrap Award.

Rules: Reveal 10 things not previously known about you, and pass along the award to others.

Here goes.

I....

1. ...hate tomato skins in my food.

2. ...am becoming increasingly filled with anxiety and guilt as our active cycle proceeds.

3. ...am a soap opera snob and have preconceived notions about people who watch them.

4. ...am terrified this cycle will work and terrified that it won't.

5. ...never blame God for bad things that happen but often thank God when good things do happen.

6. ...have the urge to make political comments on Facebook but always hold back.

7. ...cannot wait for the next Twilight movie.

8. ...love my iPhone.

9. ...think Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive.

10. ...love to read historical fiction.

Back from vacation

2009-10-11T16:00:00.002-06:00

It's been a while since the last update. Sorry!

Got through the mock cycle, had the biopsy...don't yet have the results from that test. Right now I am on Lup*ron, Est*race vaginally and four Vi*velle patches every other day. We are growin' endometrium for the active cycle!

Unfortunately the donor has a cyst while on Lu*pron so the stims are starting one week later than planned. We should do an embryo transfer the last week in October.

I am bummed about the one week delay but that gives me more time to get my endometrium good and ready for the embryos.

Having some communication issues with the donor egg coordinator. Twice now, prescriptions THAT I NEED have not been called in requiring me to call the on-call doctor. I am on the verge of a good, hearty cry right about now! This is so effing expensive and this is MY LAST SHOT...I need all involved to be 100% committed. I complained to the doctor when he called me back...I tried to stay professional but just came right out and said that this is really important and expensive and I am not feeling very confident with my care. He apologized and called in the patches I need for TOMORROW MORNING.

Would you all have complained? It's not really my personality to sit back and let people drop the ball when it concerns ME. I want to have a smooth relationship with this coordinator but I also need my one and only cycle to be treated with respect.

Sigh. Why is this so hard from every angle imaginable?

What a difference a heating pad makes

2009-09-28T08:02:00.004-06:00

PIO day 7 (mock cycle).

Okay people....I have virtually NO PAIN from the PIO during, after or even on the next day! I was not taking the time to heat the injection site afterwards AND I was using ICE to numb the injection site...wrong, wrong, wrong.

I am now turning on a heating pad the minute I wake and stay in bed warming that day's lucky buttock. While warming the buttock I also put the PIO vial next to my body. Ivan gives the injection (while I am lying down) and massages the area with the heating pad. For another five minutes or so I stay in bed and keep the heating pad on the site. It's like night and day! I am telling you, I could barely function last week b/c of the pain. It was radiating up my back and down my legs. Today I have NO PAIN from yesterday's injection. Today's injection? Barely felt it go in!

Heating Pad. Heat. Heat. Heat.

The Penny

2009-09-26T10:28:00.004-06:00

Ivan went in yesterday for his bloodwork. He took a wrong turn and ended up on the NICU floor! And then as he went to get back on the elevator there was a sign, "breastfeeding class"....I hope to be signed up for that soon! :)

As he was leaving the building after the blood draw he looked down to see a penny. He picked it up and brought it home. "It's our lucky penny", he said.

Sweet, sweet boy. He is just as excited as I am.

PIO Day 5 (Mock Cycle)

2009-09-26T09:35:00.004-06:00

Yeah, it isn't getting any better.

I just don't remember the PIO being this painful afterwards. My bum has no chance to heal before the next shot comes. Obviously we switch sides each day. In addition to the muscle pain I think the pro*gesterone is aggravating the endo. Ivan was very concerned this morning about my pain. I tried very hard to be strong. He has been so supportive and wonderful. Oh god, I don't know what I would do without such an understanding husband.

Going to take a muscle relaxer tonight so I can sleep comfortably.

Biopsy next week. And to think then I can do the easy breezy Lupron!

PIO Day 4 (Mock Cycle)

2009-09-25T06:06:00.008-06:00

I cried today when Ivan did the injection.

I think it's more about fear than pain. It hurts. Like h$ll. But I think it's more than that. I remember two years ago when our fresh IVF worked...I got a BFP. But a few days into it I knew something was wrong. And we still had to do the PIO until the next blood test. The pain on top of the disappointment was horrid.

With each PIO I become increasingly more scared that this will fail. Maybe it's good that the pain of the shots is allowing me to express my fears.

Wow, I forgot how much I hate pro*gesterone and the symptoms it produces.

Carry on my IF friends. We are in this together.

PIO Day 3 (mock cycle)

2009-09-24T13:32:00.002-06:00

Warmed the oil.

Iced the bum.

Needle? Fine. Jam those in my flesh all day long.

The PIO? Not so much. It burned like the devil this morning. The bum is sore...both sides...lower back hurts. I feel a Crabmonster taking me over. My boobs are itchy b/c they are obviously reacting to the pro*gesterone. And what is up with the strange smelling pee? I had forgotten that part!

Happy Hormone Hell.

PIO Day 2 Much Better

2009-09-23T11:41:00.004-06:00

I warmed the oil this morning. Ivan said it was much easier to draw into the syringe and I think it went in more quickly. Yesterday's cheek is still super sore. Every move from sitting to standing and vice versa HURTS and i have to remember not to moan so my girls don't think I am just getting old and cranky. ;)

Things are moving so quickly! Next Thurs is the biopsy and then we leave for Dis*ney for a week and BAM when we return the donor starts stimming! I have been wishing for the time to go quickly and here it is flying by.

Fingers crossed for (1) good results from the biopsy, (2) my period starts on time once I stop the PIO and (3) the donor doesn't have any rogue follicles.

One day at a time.

PIO Day 1 (mock cycle)

2009-09-22T11:07:00.002-06:00

May I just say....

OOOO UUUU CCCC HHHH

Dang, I don't remember it hurting this much. Whew, that oil takes a while to administer. And then the pain afterward...youch. I massaged the area afterward. Have I read before that some people warm the oil before administering? And do you warm the whole bottle or just the filled syringe?

Poor Ivan..he was really nervous "believe it or not this is harder on me than it is on you". Geez, I do believe it, sticking that IM needle in human flesh. Ack.

And to think this is *only* the mock cycle!

All. Worth. It.

Thank you Est*race

2009-09-21T08:57:00.003-06:00

Did the trick! My lining is 9mm this morning and they wanted 7-10mm!!

PIO starts tomorrow. I had the nurse draw a circle on my upper outer quandrant for Ivan. He is a little nervous being out of practice.

Good-bye my beloved estro*gen...it was nicing have you around!

Hello evil pro*gesterone.

Active cycle in three weeks. (pooh cubed)

Feelin' Good, ultrasound tomorrow

2009-09-20T17:09:00.003-06:00

So I seem to be enjoying my "little blue pill" of estro*gen! It's not that messy and I do feel the increased hormone levels. Hoping for a good visit tomorrow...the ultrasound to check my endometrium is at 8:30AM. Crap...bloodwork again...just remembered *that* part. Ugh.

Drug*store.com sent me a "free shipping" email so I went online to choose some preg*nancy tests...in about 6 weeks I will be needing them! I get so excited thinking about life post-transfer and then I am filled with fear of failure. There is no anxiety like that of peeing on a stick and waiting for the result. I have only had one BFP in my life and I was in utter shock when it happened.

How I want this to work. The yearning is indescribable. You all know all too well what I mean.

Adding another IM to the mix

2009-09-18T13:26:00.003-06:00

I learned from the RE office today that they may be adding Estra*diol Val*erate instead of the patches. My bum is going to be some kinda sore!

Has anyone else taken this form of estro*gen?

You are joking, right?

2009-09-17T18:57:00.004-06:00

Recent Deli*ver Me episode that I watched....

A 23 year old was getting read to birth her THIRD baby.

All three of her children were conceived WHILE ON THE PILL.

Commence hysterical doubled over laughing....cuz it's really, really funny, yes?

Not.

hugs

2009-09-16T08:57:00.000-06:00

Eileen very tragically lost her baby.

A New Day

2009-09-16T08:21:00.002-06:00

No bleeding and no cramps today. Started the Est*race last night. My RE uses the ORAL pill but you insert that little sucker in your hoo-ha! No muss, no fuss!

I feel so much better emotionally and physically. It's really not fair when you are experiencing period cramps at the same as an emotional let-down. Generally when *we* infertiles have a period it coincides with a disappointment of some kind.

Looking forward to a beautifully thick lining on Monday with ZERO spotting/cramping.

Does anyone else DVR the cable birthing shows? I am addicted to them right now.

Might still be on schedule

2009-09-15T16:00:00.002-06:00

- Start Est*race tonight, continue with Dot patches,

- Ultrasound Monday. If all is well, start PIO.

- Oct 1 go to RE (3 hour drive) for endometrial biopsy and one of those liquid in the uterus tests...hydrosalpingogram.

- Vacation starts October 3...Lupron and Disney...what a pair!

- Upon return from vacation...active cycle (which was the original plan).

Still spotting red blood. Hmmm....not so sure about this. It's not just spotting. It's crampiness, too.

All is not lost

2009-09-15T10:12:00.002-06:00

Okay.

The "period" flow has seemed to stop. I have had really bad cramps and everything (endo) is painful just like a regular period but so far it is not actively flowing today.

Was very, very, very sad after my appt. My lining was only a 4 something and should have been thicker. Assumed this mock cycle was a bust.

But no. A ray of hope.

We are continuing with the mock cycle but I am starting Est*race (vaginal delivery) tonight and will continue through Sunday night. Another ultrasound appt on Monday with Gyn. That puts us about a week behind schedule but it's better than three weeks!

Waiting to get more details from RE office.

I am not thrilled about this "bump" in the road but it has not turned out to be the worst scenario.

Are these Estr*ace things leaky and drippy? Geez. This can never be easy, huh?

Thank you for your supportive messages!

It's just laughable

2009-09-14T16:37:00.005-06:00

My stupid body cannot even get through the effing MOCK CYCLE for god's sake.

I am going out on a limb here and saying we have a full-fledged period. Cramps. Discharge with each trip to the loo.

Gyn appt for transvag ultrasound in the morning AND bloodwork! Won't that all be pleasant and a waste of time since this cycle is down the toilet and will have to be started AGAIN. That puts us three weeks behind. Our active cycle just got pushed to November no doubt.

Yeah, uh huh. This crazy DE Ivf fee is certainly money well spent. Her eggs will be stellar. Ivan's sperm will be rock solid. My contribution? Crap as usual.

Wallowing in self pity for a few hours....

Well sh!t

2009-09-14T12:09:00.002-06:00

Bright red blood flow just found. This is the middle of my mock cycle. I am on estro*gen patches and have my ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow to check my lining and am to go on PIO Weds morning. What does this mean? If I start a period (WTF??) then it will be pretty hard to do a lining check.

Why, why, why is this happening?

Have emailed RE for more input.

Saturday

2009-09-12T19:03:00.003-06:00

Wow, I have not updated in a few days.

Cruising along here. Four patches every other day. Ultrasound of endometrium Tuesday. P*IO starts Weds. RE biopsy the following Friday (25th).

I am exhausted after a horse show my girls rode in today. When I get *this* tired I wonder what it is we are doing! ;) And then Ivan says something cute that reminds me we can handle this. This evening I was telling Ivan about an old hs friend who is an RN who works in labor and delivery. He said something about what a fun job she has, seeing babies all day. It made me feel less tired and less defeated.

Tentative Active Cycle Schedule

2009-09-09T10:25:00.004-06:00

Can you hear my squealing?

RE donor coordinator just emailed me. We have a tentative schedule as long as the two women's bodies working toward this endeavor cooperate.

Donor will start stims October 10. Retrieval will be Oct 19-21 with a transfer Oct 22-26. I am PRAYING for a blastocyst transfer. This is great to have the possibility of the transfer on a weekend (less complicated getting children to and from school). Of course this means they will be home that day as well...we will worry about that when the time comes. Ivan might stay home the day of the transfer. The last time he drove home the three hours and I was reclined. Is this really necessary? Did any of you drive yourselves home after the transfer?

Geez...I am positively holding my breath in anticipation.

Tapping my foot uncontrollably under the desk

2009-09-08T19:33:00.004-06:00

Whew...I need October to get here.

The time usually flies with my girls and all of their activities. We have a horse show this weekend so this week will be dedicated to that endeavor (and we will be wiped out). Next Tuesday is my ultrasound to see how my endometrium is looking. PIO's also start next week which is good so Ivan can feel more "involved".

The following week will be the RE visit for the endometrial biopsy. The following week is vacation packing and then we are off to Dis*ney the first week in October. Upon returning it's GO TIME. If all goes well, we are shooting for a late October transfer.

While I am "tapping my foot" I am starting to watch Ma*d Me*n. Does anyone else watch this show? I just rented Season 1, Episodes 1-3 and LOVE it so far! Looking forward to catching up with the episodes and then I will start the current season which I am DVRing.

As I make plans well into 2010 I keep thinking..."I *should* be pregnant by then". Gosh, I hope so.

Shower time and then Ma*d Me*n.

The days just get better

2009-09-06T13:34:00.003-06:00

Three patches today.

May I just say that estro*gen is da bomb! Ashpash is feelin' good! Honestly, I had so much pain last week that I was getting pretty discouraged about this whole process. Now I feel great and have a whole new outlook.

Four patches Tuesday.

Pain Free Today

2009-09-05T15:15:00.002-06:00

Okay....so what is going on? I am totally pain-free today! I don't know if the two days of pain was a fluke or what. The "cyst" (endometrioma?) on the left ovary is not nearly as painful today...I can't say it's painful at all.

I am not sure what to attribute this to but I am certainly enjoying NOT being in pain!

THREE estro*gen patches on Sunday! :)

Endo Pain

2009-09-04T07:49:00.003-06:00

Hello estro*gen...and hello endo pain! I have become increasingly uncomfortable over the last few days. While I still think it could be the cyst reacting to the estro*gen, I also admit it is likely endo pain, including endometriomas. My ultrasound is in about 10 days and I will address this pain with my doctor. As long as I know it's endo, I am okay. My mind tends to get off on unhappy tangents filled with "what ifs" and that's when I get scared.

Back to my ART blog reading...you all are keeping me going!

Holding my breath

2009-09-03T10:16:00.003-06:00

Right before a cycle do all of you just "hold your breath"? I am just so scared of something happening to forever prevent this last attempt. It's like I am in a holding pattern and trying to accomplish something each day but what I really want to do is hibernate until the active cycle...fast forward life until transfer day. That sounds crazy to want to make life go faster when my daughters are already growing up so quickly. I want the 2WW to be here. I want to know if this is going to work or not. Life is on hold until I know b/c this could totally change life as we know it...parenting a baby again in our early 40's with a 10 and 12 year old!

Two Patches

2009-09-03T07:16:00.002-06:00

Up to two estro*gen patches now. I suspect the estro*gen is causing my ovarian cyst to grow as I am having more pain on that side now. Sigh. I wish the darn thing would go away. Three patches starts Sunday so it will only get worse. Ultrasound Sept 15 and we can check the cyst then. Hope I can make it that far. I just keep holding my breath waiting for something to ruin this for me. Honestly, I have waited so long for this and I can only assume my body will fail me in some way because that is how it has always been. Don't think I lack appreciation for my body...I do love it and try to take care of it. You all get it...infertility screws with your mind.

Looking forward to my estro*gen

2009-09-01T08:22:00.002-06:00

The patches have started on my mock cycle. I am on one patch right now and will put on two tomorrow. I "live" perpetually on low dose birth control pills to control my endo. It's great for pain but I really miss my estrogen. Have you ever noticed how great you feel mid-cycle...like you could conquer the world? I miss that feeling! Before the mock cycle is over I will be on FOUR patches..then the PIO starts. Bring on the estro*gen!

Award

2009-08-31T08:44:00.004-06:00

How fun to add this to my blog on a Monday...great way to kick off the week!

Thanks Mai!

450+ miles later...

2009-08-28T16:12:00.005-06:00

Whew, what a whirlwind day.

Drove three hours. Waited 90 mins to see RE. Visited with RE about the DE program. Had 4 tubes of blood drawn. Waited again for them to find some paperwork the now on-vacation nurse left for me. Drove another three hours home.

No BCP tonight. Start estrogen patches in the morning, PIO in two weeks, endometrial biopsy on Sep 25 to see how I respond. Should start active cycle in October after vacation!

Hopefully I took my last BCP for 10 months or so!

23 gauge intramuscular needles...does a soul good

2009-08-27T10:35:00.004-06:00

The package arrived this morning. PIO, patches and syringes. Ivan will have to watch a video to remember how to measure for the PIO.

With our first cycle I felt so empowered with all of the injections. For once I had some sort of control over my body and it's baby making capabilities.

I dug out the old paperwork. When they retrieved MY eggs two years ago they got 13 eggs and we only ended up with 5 embryos. Transferred the best 3 and froze the last 2. No baby.

Looking forward to getting this started. RE appt tomorrow, patches start Saturday to start growing my endometrium. Anxious to see how my endo reacts to the estrogen.

First Free*dom Pharmacy Order!

2009-08-26T11:16:00.005-06:00

They just called to verify my order for estro*gen patches and PIO for the mock cycle. Isn't it crazy how excited it makes me that a package of several-inch-long syringes will arrive at my doorstep tomorrow morning? :)

There is so much emotion with this process. The last several nights I have had trouble sleeping. There are so many emotions running through me. The fear that it won't work and SO MUCH MONEY is gone. The fear that it will work and I will miscarry and end up more scarred than I already am by infertility. The fear that a healthy baby will arrive and we will be parenting a newborn in our early 40's. You just can't get away from the anxiety, can you?

I really do *trust* that what ever happens is the path meant for me. If it fails I can at least turn 50 (in a decade) and know that I really tried my best by pulling out all the stops...including 21 year old donor eggs!

The sweetest thing...potentially heartbreaking

2009-08-24T12:29:00.003-06:00

So Ivan has insisted for two years that he is "good"...his life is complete. Supportively, he is going on this adventure again for ME. Don't get me wrong, he LOVES babies, he LOVES his daughters. But, a lot is on his shoulders already and, as the sole breadwinner, he has felt fine with life as is.

As we move closer to our active cycle, I see a new twinkle in his eye. He loved to joke saying "what have I gotten myself into" after I told him the odds are definitely on our side since our egg donor is only 21. It has been fun watching him get excited about the opportunity to parent a baby again.

Yesterday I got a text from Ivan that was quite unexpected. The text said, "what about (insert name) for a girl?". I almost fell over in the grocery store. Was this a joke, was there another meaning to this? Turns out, he really thought the name would be nice if we have another girl. Blogdom, this is the hugest thing and it is also something that makes my heart very, very sad. What if my body does not follow through with this project? Egg Donor is going to provide us with beautiful, young eggs. Ivan is going to provide his famously healthy swimmers. Together they will no doubt create some kick @ss embryos. But what if my body does not do its part? The name he suggested in that loving text will haunt me the rest of my life if it doesn't work.

Come on AshPash uterus, you have the job of a lifetime coming up!

ICLW

2009-08-22T12:56:00.007-06:00

I am new to this "ICLW" concept. I like it.

My journey to children is pretty much covered over =====>> to the right. Currently I am parenting two beautiful daughters. From the time I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mom...I wanted to adopt and I also wanted to be pregnant "when I grew up". The mom part has been fulfilled...it's the best job ever. The adopting part has been covered...twice...each time a miracle. Alas, I am not yet "complete". The problem is that IVF just keeps calling my name...and it turned into a full-on scream once I turned 40. After our last IVF failed (age 38), I knew I wanted to try again with donor eggs. It took two years to take the leap. Ivan (the dear husband) has slowly come around - the crappy economy did not help in pursuading him! He is fully on board now and it downright excited. He is somewhat in denial about the cost but is ready to do this nonetheless.

Next Friday I will meet with our RE to discuss the donor egg IVF process. While there our RE will check my endometrium. If it's nice and thin, I will start my "mock cycle" to make sure my lining responds appropriately to estrogen/pregesterone. In mid-October we should begin our active cycle with embies on board in time for All Saints Day!

I am encouraged to read the successes in blogland...and humbled by the losses. Following your stories keeps me afloat...and sane. I am here to cheer on and support each of you.

The Donor

2009-08-20T12:03:00.002-06:00

She is excited and ready to cycle! She expressed her sincere interest in helping us "succeed" at this. That made me smile. We get the ball rolling very soon.

IVF Meds Don't Bother Me...

2009-08-18T08:48:00.003-06:00

I keep reading blogs about dreaded PIO and evil Lup*ron and horrible Clo*mid. I have been on all of those and cannot say they affect me one way or the other! What is wrong with me? Of course, PIO sucks because of that damn needle as long as your hand but otherwise I can't say it causes any horrible side affects. My ovaries/uterus respond appropriately but I don't have negative side effects. No wonder I like IVF so much.

I can't wait for the needles to begin! I have been craving IVF needles since our IVF MC two years ago! Yes, AshPash is a little sick in the head! :)

We have a schedule!

2009-08-17T16:00:00.003-06:00

My mock cycle will start in two weeks. B/c I am on BCP's perpetually for endo, the lining of my uterus stays very thin. If my lining is indeed thin when I go in next week, we will start the following day on the mock cycle (exciting b/c we thought I would need to start a period to get started but it may not be necessary to wait on a period)!

The mock cycle begins with me going off BCP's and starting estrogen patches. After two weeks I will have a transvag to check my uterine lining. If the lining increases in thickness then the PIO's begin! After ten days I have will have endometrial biopsy to make sure my lining responded appropriately to the meds. If the lining looks good, we will move on to the active cycle with our donor!

Reading Blogs

2009-08-17T10:22:00.003-06:00

I have so many other things to be doing but I cannot stop reading other IVF blogs.

RE donor egg coordinator is preparing a schedule for us. We should do our mock cycle in September and the real deal by the end of October, early November.

Massage during IVF

2009-08-15T13:18:00.002-06:00

With our last IVF cycle two years ago I went for accu*puncture before and on the day of our transfer. I did conceive but had an early miscarriage. Looking back, I don't know why I did the accu*puncture b.c it was not relaxing for me at all. I don't like needles (who does?) and remember being anxious that I was going to hit one if I moved a muscle!

This time around I want to go for massages in the weeks leading up to our IVF cycle and also during the 2WW. There is NOTHING better than a massage for relaxation! I thought I would schedule weekly 30 min massages and therefore be able to go more often (I would feel pretty guilty about several 60 minute massages).

Has anyone else done this or heard of it as being beneficial during IVF? It certainly can't hurt.