Day 1 P3DT (CD 17)

So of course I am regretting having the laptop on my legs/pelvis yesterday as I was reclining on the couch with my knees up....was it across my belly? Did the heat from the battery fry our two embryos?

Yep, it's all over, I fried our embryos...they died of heat stroke in my perfectly prepared uterus b/c I had to have my laptop with me.

Sigh.

And there is the fact that I think our RE is too conservative. I am reading about bloggers whose RE's transferred 3-5 eight-celled good to excellent embryos. Ours said "no way" to three!

Sigh. Again.

Geez, I want to be positive for Ivan but I feel NOTHING for these embryos. No dreaminess, no over-the-moon thoughts of my future children, no "PUPO" mentality (preg until proven otherwise).

Is this just me being realistic? A defense mechanism? Hardened negativity from years of disappointment?

This once-in-a-lifetime DE IVF has not gone AT ALL the way I wanted or expected...especially given the $20k price tag.

Sign. Again. And again.

I am not in "pity" mode but I am definitely not *at all* positive about this. The week of the test I have several settings in which I have to be social and pleasant and actually talk to people. And the next week is Thanksgiving!

Potentially another holiday with an empty womb.

This time forever.

Blood test November 18.

POAS November 17.

Two Embies on board (3 day transfer)

Our transfer was this morning.

Good news awaited us when we arrived. Our top three embryos had made it to 8 cells and had moved up in quality. We transferred:

* 8 cell good-excellent
* 8 cell good

The other SEVEN are being allowed to grow to blast and they will freeze what makes it. I was SO happy they are letting the others grow instead of freezing them now. The embryologist said we should end up with at least two blasts to freeze.

The transfer went beautifully! Two years ago my stenotic cervix had to be forced open which made it bleed. There are a few studies that show this can impact implantation negatively. Not a worry this time! The RE passed the catheter right through...I never felt it.

Something that made me exclaim "WHAAATTT??" was when the donor coordinator told me they were using "em*bryo glue" on the embies. Have any of you heard of this? The embryologist admitted that they are not sure if it's hype or of true benefit but that when they have used it, they have seen success. He admitted it could just be the embies being used. They used it today nonetheless. Essentially it is a coating on the embryo that has nutrients and a special element that helps the embryos stick to the endometrium. (There are conflicting studies...I am not betting on this to make anything happen one way or the other).

Here is what is different about THIS fresh transfer versus two years ago:
1. cervix cooperated
2. on two kinds of progesterone (PIO and vaginal pill)
3. donor eggs
4. used Embryo*Glue

I am feeling much less "dreamy" about this transfer (as compared to two years ago) and am not going to obsess reading blogs, etc.

Well, the "bed rest" has been lovely so far! On the couch with my dog, my i*Phone, my D*ell and watching the Bree*der's Cup!

Go Zen*yatta!

Embryo report not so good

Yep, it pretty much sucks.

3 four-cell "goods"
1 two-cell "good"

The rest - SEVEN embryos - are all FAIR OR POOR!

Three day transfer TOMORROW and we will transfer the best two.

I am crying. It's not going to work.

If you have blogs you can send me links to that resulted in pregnancy with "3 day goods" then please send those links.

I am in shock. And feeling stupid for spending $20k on donor eggs.

Sigh. Yes, pity party.

Fertilization Report

Drum roll please....

11

Of the 18 eggs, 11 fertilized. :)

Tomorrow will tell us grading and cell count per embryo.

It's official, my husband has procreated with another woman!



We are looking at a 3-day transfer on Saturday or MY PREFERRED 5-day on Monday

As a frame of reference...our IVF two years ago with MY eggs resulted in 14 eggs retrieved with only 5 fertilizing "properly".

Egg Report

Sorry gals! My afternoon and evening were crazy. Here is what we found out:

They appear to be nice eggs.

* 18 retrieved

* 10-12 mature (a few of those were on the small side)

Swimmers looked great as always and were added to all 18 eggs. We should expect a 50-60% fertilization rate.

This morning's call will tell us how many fertilized and that call should come before noon!

"It's up to you, now"

That's what Ivan said when he called as he left the RE office. He drove 3 hours one way to "do his deed" and now is back on the road again!

He's right, it's up to the eggs to allow those swimmers in and up to my uterus to be a welcoming host.

No call yet on # of eggs. Will update when I get it.

Ivan's Contribution Today

He is on his way to the RE now...three hour drive. He left super early and made several jokes on the way out the door...silly boys!

I should be updating you all later this afternoon about how many eggs we got. Hoping for a "quality" report as well.

Fingers crossed. This is too exciting for words. The wounded part of me doesn't want to get excited but how can I not?

Great Article About Donor Egg IVF

http://snipurl.com/t1j0e

While sitting here in front of my loyal D*ell, researching do*nor egg this and that, I found this great article about a couple who know our pain and HAVE walked in our shoes. They finally found success with do*nor eggs. The story made my eyes water.

Enjoy.

It's GO TIME!!!

Just got the call! Donor is ready!

* Retrieval 9AM Weds. I will get a call by Noon Weds as to how many eggs they get.

* Fert report Thurs.

* Embryo report Friday.

If the embryos are "iffy" it will be a Saturday transfer. If they are growing nicely, it will be a Monday transfer. I will be really sad with a Sat transfer.

PIO starts again tomorrow and the Lu*pron is over. I start Doxy*clycline, Med*rol and Pro*metrium on Weds. I stop the vaginal Es*trace and cut back to two DOTS.

Eeeks! This is really happening.

Retrieval Wednesday

Everything is looking great with our donor! She has 5-6 follicles on each side growing at the same rate. That is about the same response *I* had as a 38 year old two years ago. At first the numbers disappointed me but then I remembered that it's about quality NOT quantity. I don't *want* 20-some embryos to freeze. The RE coordinator said that they don't like to "blow up" their donors....that makes sense to me. We just need 6-8 nice embryos. I just want one baby out of this. *Maybe* in a few years we will do an FET.

We are definitely going for a 5 day transfer so that means my "go" day is Monday, November 9. One week from tomorrow.

The only way we would do a 3 day is if the embies lack the quality to continue to day 5. The RE said the only time they do a 3 day with donor eggs is if there is a sperm issue. Ivan has outstanding sperm so I am totally planning on a 5 day. So glad ONE of us has fertility we can count on! :)

I have a busy week ahead so the time should pass fairly quickly. I can't wait to have a few embryos on board...if they are nice enough quality it will be just *one*.

Still a "go"

Donor's estrogen is rising appropriately and all is well. Her next appt is Thursday where they will draw blood and do an ultrasound.

I went back and looked at our fresh cycle two years ago: I had an utrasound on Friday and took Ovidrel on Sunday night for a Tues retrieval. It's been nice to be able to look back on what we did so I can get an idea of what to expect this time.

My ultrasound to check my lining is this Friday. *Hoping* for a retrieval on Tuesday and a Sunday transfer in one week!


Health update:
Still have one sick child at home...day 6 of illness...we shall see if the fever returns again today.

Using a Net*i Pot, taking vitamin D3, prenatal vitamin and Tami*flu.

Stimming Along

Based on the calendar I was given we can assume retrieval will be one week from today. The donor goes in today for a blood check...hopefully all looks good there.

Oldest daughter still has the flu...she is on day 5 of fever. Sigh. I am hoping we see improvement today. If there is no improvement today we will be visiting the Ped for a possible secondary bacterial issue.

This entire DE process has been a challenge from DAY 1! I have to hope this is actually lucky...the best things in life are worth fighting for!

I continue to be on Lu*pron, DOTs and Es*trace....oh, and Tami*flu!

Growin' Eggs Today

Unless something has changed, our donor starts growing eggs today. Beautiful 21 year old eggs! :)

With that good news comes not so good news....the worst scenario imaginable came true in our home this week. H1N1! Both daughters have been taken down. Ivan and I are on Tami*flu so I am hoping we don't contract it. So far, so good. One daughter has recovered. The oldest just started with fever Friday so she will be contagious for a few more days. The Tami*flu should help shorten her bout with it. And, thank you IVF powers that be, Ivan will be protected by Tami*flu right up until egg retrieval. We just need to get his stellar swimmers in a petri dish without a fever interfering!

Please send good thoughts for no rogue follicles! We need evenly growing eggs!

Transfer the first week in November.

Growin' Eggs on the 24th!

The donor's estradiol finally fell below 25! WHEW! We start growing eggs on Saturday!! :)

Toning down my enthusiasm ever so slightly is the fact that my youngest came home from school with a fever. Sigh. Not sure yet if it could be flu. Right now I am saying NOT b/c she really only has fever. None of the cold symptoms or vomiting/diarrhea that comes with the flu are present right now. Morning will tell us more.

Popping vitamin D3 like crazy so we don't get this. Ivan's swimmers cannot be exposed to a fever!

30 Days Until.....

I am all about diversions right now.

New M*oon hits theaters in 30 days! I POAS that same week.

http://www.newmoonmovie.org/trailer/

Bring on the vampires. And bring on two lines.

Talk of changing donors

Yeah. Imagine getting *that* email.

The coordinator emailed that we should be considering the possibility of having to switch donors. It knocked the breath out of me. I cried and cried.

Further emailing revealed that the donor is not backing out. It has to do with her estrogen levels. They think her blood may be the type that does not "read" well with the estrogen tests. You have heard of women who have pregnancy tests that come back positive even when they are not pregnant? Same issue. The tests show her estrogen is still too high to proceed but they think this is a testing issue rather than a real issue with her being suppressed.

We find out Wednesday for sure. The RE is having her blood tested in an outside lab (using more detailed testing I assume).

No eggs yet...

The donor's estradiol level was a little too high. They are re-checking her Weds and if all is well then we will proceed with stims on Saturday the 24th. That puts an embryo transfer the first week in November. The *only* positive thing is that this no longer could impact Hallo*ween plans. We do have commitments made for the 30th and 31st so it will be nice not to worry about that. The new projected week of ET *does* interfere with some other commitments but those don't involve my children so easier to deal with. My biggest fear? This gives Ivan, the donor or me one more week to contract the flu! I am terrified it will impact this cycle.

Bummer. I feel like nothing with this has gone smoothly....is that possibly a good sign that it will work? The best things aren't easy?

I stay on Lup*ron and estro*gen for ANOTHER week.

Back to regular programming.

Growing Eggs...

I think.

Today our donor is being checked to see if estrogen levels are optimum for starting stims and if so she starts TODAY! I hope to hear something later today but I doubt I will know until Monday.

I feel a lot better, much less emotional. Honestly, I think I was completely drained from vacation, fighting a little bug we all picked up at Dis*ney and just mildly overwhelmed that it was all starting..finally! (This is something I have been dreaming of EVERY DAY for over two years).

Still on Lup*ron and estro*gen and so far so good! BB's very sore...youch!

Will post Monday about egg growing news.

Lu*pron

Has anyone else noticed bloating/weight gain on Lu*pron? I have been on it for almost two weeks and I am telling you, I can barely get my jeans on! How can it happen so quickly?

I feel drained. No energy, despite the four Vi*velle's and Es*trace. Is this also the Lu*pron? For some reason I feel really pessimistic about this cycle. I want to be excited but am overcome with anxiety and fear. I wasn't like this before the Lu*pron.

Two more weeks. Embryo transfer the last week in October.

Honest Scrap

Thank you Circus Princess for the Honest Scrap Award.

Rules: Reveal 10 things not previously known about you, and pass along the award to others.

Here goes.

I....

1. ...hate tomato skins in my food.

2. ...am becoming increasingly filled with anxiety and guilt as our active cycle proceeds.

3. ...am a soap opera snob and have preconceived notions about people who watch them.

4. ...am terrified this cycle will work and terrified that it won't.

5. ...never blame God for bad things that happen but often thank God when good things do happen.

6. ...have the urge to make political comments on Facebook but always hold back.

7. ...cannot wait for the next Twilight movie.

8. ...love my iPhone.

9. ...think Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive.

10. ...love to read historical fiction.

Back from vacation

It's been a while since the last update. Sorry!

Got through the mock cycle, had the biopsy...don't yet have the results from that test. Right now I am on Lup*ron, Est*race vaginally and four Vi*velle patches every other day. We are growin' endometrium for the active cycle!

Unfortunately the donor has a cyst while on Lu*pron so the stims are starting one week later than planned. We should do an embryo transfer the last week in October.

I am bummed about the one week delay but that gives me more time to get my endometrium good and ready for the embryos.

Having some communication issues with the donor egg coordinator. Twice now, prescriptions THAT I NEED have not been called in requiring me to call the on-call doctor. I am on the verge of a good, hearty cry right about now! This is so effing expensive and this is MY LAST SHOT...I need all involved to be 100% committed. I complained to the doctor when he called me back...I tried to stay professional but just came right out and said that this is really important and expensive and I am not feeling very confident with my care. He apologized and called in the patches I need for TOMORROW MORNING.

Would you all have complained? It's not really my personality to sit back and let people drop the ball when it concerns ME. I want to have a smooth relationship with this coordinator but I also need my one and only cycle to be treated with respect.

Sigh. Why is this so hard from every angle imaginable?

What a difference a heating pad makes

PIO day 7 (mock cycle).

Okay people....I have virtually NO PAIN from the PIO during, after or even on the next day! I was not taking the time to heat the injection site afterwards AND I was using ICE to numb the injection site...wrong, wrong, wrong.

I am now turning on a heating pad the minute I wake and stay in bed warming that day's lucky buttock. While warming the buttock I also put the PIO vial next to my body. Ivan gives the injection (while I am lying down) and massages the area with the heating pad. For another five minutes or so I stay in bed and keep the heating pad on the site. It's like night and day! I am telling you, I could barely function last week b/c of the pain. It was radiating up my back and down my legs. Today I have NO PAIN from yesterday's injection. Today's injection? Barely felt it go in!

Heating Pad. Heat. Heat. Heat.

The Penny

Ivan went in yesterday for his bloodwork. He took a wrong turn and ended up on the NICU floor! And then as he went to get back on the elevator there was a sign, "breastfeeding class"....I hope to be signed up for that soon! :)

As he was leaving the building after the blood draw he looked down to see a penny. He picked it up and brought it home. "It's our lucky penny", he said.

Sweet, sweet boy. He is just as excited as I am.

PIO Day 5 (Mock Cycle)

Yeah, it isn't getting any better.

I just don't remember the PIO being this painful afterwards. My bum has no chance to heal before the next shot comes. Obviously we switch sides each day. In addition to the muscle pain I think the pro*gesterone is aggravating the endo. Ivan was very concerned this morning about my pain. I tried very hard to be strong. He has been so supportive and wonderful. Oh god, I don't know what I would do without such an understanding husband.

Going to take a muscle relaxer tonight so I can sleep comfortably.

Biopsy next week. And to think then I can do the easy breezy Lupron!

PIO Day 4 (Mock Cycle)

I cried today when Ivan did the injection.

I think it's more about fear than pain. It hurts. Like h$ll. But I think it's more than that. I remember two years ago when our fresh IVF worked...I got a BFP. But a few days into it I knew something was wrong. And we still had to do the PIO until the next blood test. The pain on top of the disappointment was horrid.

With each PIO I become increasingly more scared that this will fail. Maybe it's good that the pain of the shots is allowing me to express my fears.

Wow, I forgot how much I hate pro*gesterone and the symptoms it produces.

Carry on my IF friends. We are in this together.

PIO Day 3 (mock cycle)

Warmed the oil.

Iced the bum.

Needle? Fine. Jam those in my flesh all day long.

The PIO? Not so much. It burned like the devil this morning. The bum is sore...both sides...lower back hurts. I feel a Crabmonster taking me over. My boobs are itchy b/c they are obviously reacting to the pro*gesterone. And what is up with the strange smelling pee? I had forgotten that part!

Happy Hormone Hell.

PIO Day 2 Much Better

I warmed the oil this morning. Ivan said it was much easier to draw into the syringe and I think it went in more quickly. Yesterday's cheek is still super sore. Every move from sitting to standing and vice versa HURTS and i have to remember not to moan so my girls don't think I am just getting old and cranky. ;)

Things are moving so quickly! Next Thurs is the biopsy and then we leave for Dis*ney for a week and BAM when we return the donor starts stimming! I have been wishing for the time to go quickly and here it is flying by.

Fingers crossed for (1) good results from the biopsy, (2) my period starts on time once I stop the PIO and (3) the donor doesn't have any rogue follicles.

One day at a time.

PIO Day 1 (mock cycle)

May I just say....

OOOO UUUU CCCC HHHH

Dang, I don't remember it hurting this much. Whew, that oil takes a while to administer. And then the pain afterward...youch. I massaged the area afterward. Have I read before that some people warm the oil before administering? And do you warm the whole bottle or just the filled syringe?

Poor Ivan..he was really nervous "believe it or not this is harder on me than it is on you". Geez, I do believe it, sticking that IM needle in human flesh. Ack.

And to think this is *only* the mock cycle!

All. Worth. It.

Thank you Est*race

Did the trick! My lining is 9mm this morning and they wanted 7-10mm!!

PIO starts tomorrow. I had the nurse draw a circle on my upper outer quandrant for Ivan. He is a little nervous being out of practice.

Good-bye my beloved estro*gen...it was nicing have you around!

Hello evil pro*gesterone.

Active cycle in three weeks. (pooh cubed)

Feelin' Good, ultrasound tomorrow

So I seem to be enjoying my "little blue pill" of estro*gen! It's not that messy and I do feel the increased hormone levels. Hoping for a good visit tomorrow...the ultrasound to check my endometrium is at 8:30AM. Crap...bloodwork again...just remembered *that* part. Ugh.

Drug*store.com sent me a "free shipping" email so I went online to choose some preg*nancy tests...in about 6 weeks I will be needing them! I get so excited thinking about life post-transfer and then I am filled with fear of failure. There is no anxiety like that of peeing on a stick and waiting for the result. I have only had one BFP in my life and I was in utter shock when it happened.

How I want this to work. The yearning is indescribable. You all know all too well what I mean.

Adding another IM to the mix

I learned from the RE office today that they may be adding Estra*diol Val*erate instead of the patches. My bum is going to be some kinda sore!

Has anyone else taken this form of estro*gen?

You are joking, right?

Recent Deli*ver Me episode that I watched....

A 23 year old was getting read to birth her THIRD baby.

All three of her children were conceived WHILE ON THE PILL.

Commence hysterical doubled over laughing....cuz it's really, really funny, yes?

Not.

**hugs**

Eileen very tragically lost her baby.

A New Day

No bleeding and no cramps today. Started the Est*race last night. My RE uses the ORAL pill but you insert that little sucker in your hoo-ha! No muss, no fuss!

I feel so much better emotionally and physically. It's really not fair when you are experiencing period cramps at the same as an emotional let-down. Generally when *we* infertiles have a period it coincides with a disappointment of some kind.

Looking forward to a beautifully thick lining on Monday with ZERO spotting/cramping.

Does anyone else DVR the cable birthing shows? I am addicted to them right now.

Might still be on schedule

- Start Est*race tonight, continue with Dot patches,

- Ultrasound Monday. If all is well, start PIO.

- Oct 1 go to RE (3 hour drive) for endometrial biopsy and one of those liquid in the uterus tests...hydrosalpingogram.

- Vacation starts October 3...Lupron and Disney...what a pair!

- Upon return from vacation...active cycle (which was the original plan).

Still spotting red blood. Hmmm....not so sure about this. It's not just spotting. It's crampiness, too.

All is not lost

Okay.

The "period" flow has seemed to stop. I have had really bad cramps and everything (endo) is painful just like a regular period but so far it is not actively flowing today.

Was very, very, very sad after my appt. My lining was only a 4 something and should have been thicker. Assumed this mock cycle was a bust.

But no. A ray of hope.

We are continuing with the mock cycle but I am starting Est*race (vaginal delivery) tonight and will continue through Sunday night. Another ultrasound appt on Monday with Gyn. That puts us about a week behind schedule but it's better than three weeks!

Waiting to get more details from RE office.

I am not thrilled about this "bump" in the road but it has not turned out to be the worst scenario.

Are these Estr*ace things leaky and drippy? Geez. This can never be easy, huh?

Thank you for your supportive messages!

It's just laughable

My stupid body cannot even get through the effing MOCK CYCLE for god's sake.

I am going out on a limb here and saying we have a full-fledged period. Cramps. Discharge with each trip to the loo.

Gyn appt for transvag ultrasound in the morning AND bloodwork! Won't that all be pleasant and a waste of time since this cycle is down the toilet and will have to be started AGAIN. That puts us three weeks behind. Our active cycle just got pushed to November no doubt.

Yeah, uh huh. This crazy DE Ivf fee is certainly money well spent. Her eggs will be stellar. Ivan's sperm will be rock solid. My contribution? Crap as usual.

Wallowing in self pity for a few hours....

Well sh!t

Bright red blood flow just found. This is the middle of my mock cycle. I am on estro*gen patches and have my ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow to check my lining and am to go on PIO Weds morning. What does this mean? If I start a period (WTF??) then it will be pretty hard to do a lining check.

Why, why, why is this happening?

Have emailed RE for more input.

Saturday

Wow, I have not updated in a few days.

Cruising along here. Four patches every other day. Ultrasound of endometrium Tuesday. P*IO starts Weds. RE biopsy the following Friday (25th).

I am exhausted after a horse show my girls rode in today. When I get *this* tired I wonder what it is we are doing! ;) And then Ivan says something cute that reminds me we can handle this. This evening I was telling Ivan about an old hs friend who is an RN who works in labor and delivery. He said something about what a fun job she has, seeing babies all day. It made me feel less tired and less defeated.

Tentative Active Cycle Schedule

Can you hear my squealing?

RE donor coordinator just emailed me. We have a tentative schedule as long as the two women's bodies working toward this endeavor cooperate.

Donor will start stims October 10. Retrieval will be Oct 19-21 with a transfer Oct 22-26. I am PRAYING for a blastocyst transfer. This is great to have the possibility of the transfer on a weekend (less complicated getting children to and from school). Of course this means they will be home that day as well...we will worry about that when the time comes. Ivan might stay home the day of the transfer. The last time he drove home the three hours and I was reclined. Is this really necessary? Did any of you drive yourselves home after the transfer?

Geez...I am positively holding my breath in anticipation.

Tapping my foot uncontrollably under the desk

Whew...I need October to get here.

The time usually flies with my girls and all of their activities. We have a horse show this weekend so this week will be dedicated to that endeavor (and we will be wiped out). Next Tuesday is my ultrasound to see how my endometrium is looking. PIO's also start next week which is good so Ivan can feel more "involved".

The following week will be the RE visit for the endometrial biopsy. The following week is vacation packing and then we are off to Dis*ney the first week in October. Upon returning it's GO TIME. If all goes well, we are shooting for a late October transfer.

While I am "tapping my foot" I am starting to watch Ma*d Me*n. Does anyone else watch this show? I just rented Season 1, Episodes 1-3 and LOVE it so far! Looking forward to catching up with the episodes and then I will start the current season which I am DVRing.

As I make plans well into 2010 I keep thinking..."I *should* be pregnant by then". Gosh, I hope so.

Shower time and then Ma*d Me*n.

The days just get better

Three patches today.

May I just say that estro*gen is da bomb! Ashpash is feelin' good! Honestly, I had so much pain last week that I was getting pretty discouraged about this whole process. Now I feel great and have a whole new outlook.

Four patches Tuesday.

Pain Free Today

Okay....so what is going on? I am totally pain-free today! I don't know if the two days of pain was a fluke or what. The "cyst" (endometrioma?) on the left ovary is not nearly as painful today...I can't say it's painful at all.

I am not sure what to attribute this to but I am certainly enjoying NOT being in pain!

THREE estro*gen patches on Sunday! :)

Endo Pain

Hello estro*gen...and hello endo pain! I have become increasingly uncomfortable over the last few days. While I still think it could be the cyst reacting to the estro*gen, I also admit it is likely endo pain, including endometriomas. My ultrasound is in about 10 days and I will address this pain with my doctor. As long as I know it's endo, I am okay. My mind tends to get off on unhappy tangents filled with "what ifs" and that's when I get scared.

Back to my ART blog reading...you all are keeping me going!

Holding my breath

Right before a cycle do all of you just "hold your breath"? I am just so scared of something happening to forever prevent this last attempt. It's like I am in a holding pattern and trying to accomplish something each day but what I really want to do is hibernate until the active cycle...fast forward life until transfer day. That sounds crazy to want to make life go faster when my daughters are already growing up so quickly. I want the 2WW to be here. I want to know if this is going to work or not. Life is on hold until I know b/c this could totally change life as we know it...parenting a baby again in our early 40's with a 10 and 12 year old!

Two Patches

Up to two estro*gen patches now. I suspect the estro*gen is causing my ovarian cyst to grow as I am having more pain on that side now. Sigh. I wish the darn thing would go away. Three patches starts Sunday so it will only get worse. Ultrasound Sept 15 and we can check the cyst then. Hope I can make it that far. I just keep holding my breath waiting for something to ruin this for me. Honestly, I have waited so long for this and I can only assume my body will fail me in some way because that is how it has always been. Don't think I lack appreciation for my body...I do love it and try to take care of it. You all get it...infertility screws with your mind.

Looking forward to my estro*gen

The patches have started on my mock cycle. I am on one patch right now and will put on two tomorrow. I "live" perpetually on low dose birth control pills to control my endo. It's great for pain but I really miss my estrogen. Have you ever noticed how great you feel mid-cycle...like you could conquer the world? I miss that feeling! Before the mock cycle is over I will be on FOUR patches..then the PIO starts. Bring on the estro*gen!

Award

How fun to add this to my blog on a Monday...great way to kick off the week!

Thanks Mai!

450+ miles later...

Whew, what a whirlwind day.

Drove three hours. Waited 90 mins to see RE. Visited with RE about the DE program. Had 4 tubes of blood drawn. Waited again for them to find some paperwork the now on-vacation nurse left for me. Drove another three hours home.

No BCP tonight. Start estrogen patches in the morning, PIO in two weeks, endometrial biopsy on Sep 25 to see how I respond. Should start active cycle in October after vacation!

Hopefully I took my last BCP for 10 months or so!

23 gauge intramuscular needles...does a soul good

The package arrived this morning. PIO, patches and syringes. Ivan will have to watch a video to remember how to measure for the PIO.

With our first cycle I felt so empowered with all of the injections. For once I had some sort of control over my body and it's baby making capabilities.

I dug out the old paperwork. When they retrieved MY eggs two years ago they got 13 eggs and we only ended up with 5 embryos. Transferred the best 3 and froze the last 2. No baby.

Looking forward to getting this started. RE appt tomorrow, patches start Saturday to start growing my endometrium. Anxious to see how my endo reacts to the estrogen.

First Free*dom Pharmacy Order!

They just called to verify my order for estro*gen patches and PIO for the mock cycle. Isn't it crazy how excited it makes me that a package of several-inch-long syringes will arrive at my doorstep tomorrow morning? :)

There is so much emotion with this process. The last several nights I have had trouble sleeping. There are so many emotions running through me. The fear that it won't work and SO MUCH MONEY is gone. The fear that it will work and I will miscarry and end up more scarred than I already am by infertility. The fear that a healthy baby will arrive and we will be parenting a newborn in our early 40's. You just can't get away from the anxiety, can you?

I really do *trust* that what ever happens is the path meant for me. If it fails I can at least turn 50 (in a decade) and know that I really tried my best by pulling out all the stops...including 21 year old donor eggs!

The sweetest thing...potentially heartbreaking

So Ivan has insisted for two years that he is "good"...his life is complete. Supportively, he is going on this adventure again for ME. Don't get me wrong, he LOVES babies, he LOVES his daughters. But, a lot is on his shoulders already and, as the sole breadwinner, he has felt fine with life as is.

As we move closer to our active cycle, I see a new twinkle in his eye. He loved to joke saying "what have I gotten myself into" after I told him the odds are definitely on our side since our egg donor is only 21. It has been fun watching him get excited about the opportunity to parent a baby again.

Yesterday I got a text from Ivan that was quite unexpected. The text said, "what about (insert name) for a girl?". I almost fell over in the grocery store. Was this a joke, was there another meaning to this? Turns out, he really thought the name would be nice if we have another girl. Blogdom, this is the hugest thing and it is also something that makes my heart very, very sad. What if my body does not follow through with this project? Egg Donor is going to provide us with beautiful, young eggs. Ivan is going to provide his famously healthy swimmers. Together they will no doubt create some kick @ss embryos. But what if my body does not do its part? The name he suggested in that loving text will haunt me the rest of my life if it doesn't work.

Come on AshPash uterus, you have the job of a lifetime coming up!

ICLW

I am new to this "ICLW" concept. I like it.

My journey to children is pretty much covered over =====>> to the right. Currently I am parenting two beautiful daughters. From the time I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mom...I wanted to adopt and I also wanted to be pregnant "when I grew up". The mom part has been fulfilled...it's the best job ever. The adopting part has been covered...twice...each time a miracle. Alas, I am not yet "complete". The problem is that IVF just keeps calling my name...and it turned into a full-on scream once I turned 40. After our last IVF failed (age 38), I knew I wanted to try again with donor eggs. It took two years to take the leap. Ivan (the dear husband) has slowly come around - the crappy economy did not help in pursuading him! He is fully on board now and it downright excited. He is somewhat in denial about the cost but is ready to do this nonetheless.

Next Friday I will meet with our RE to discuss the donor egg IVF process. While there our RE will check my endometrium. If it's nice and thin, I will start my "mock cycle" to make sure my lining responds appropriately to estrogen/pregesterone. In mid-October we should begin our active cycle with embies on board in time for All Saints Day!

I am encouraged to read the successes in blogland...and humbled by the losses. Following your stories keeps me afloat...and sane. I am here to cheer on and support each of you.

The Donor

She is excited and ready to cycle! She expressed her sincere interest in helping us "succeed" at this. That made me smile. We get the ball rolling very soon.

IVF Meds Don't Bother Me...

I keep reading blogs about dreaded PIO and evil Lup*ron and horrible Clo*mid. I have been on all of those and cannot say they affect me one way or the other! What is wrong with me? Of course, PIO sucks because of that damn needle as long as your hand but otherwise I can't say it causes any horrible side affects. My ovaries/uterus respond appropriately but I don't have negative side effects. No wonder I like IVF so much.

I can't wait for the needles to begin! I have been craving IVF needles since our IVF MC two years ago! Yes, AshPash is a little sick in the head! :)

We have a schedule!

My mock cycle will start in two weeks. B/c I am on BCP's perpetually for endo, the lining of my uterus stays very thin. If my lining is indeed thin when I go in next week, we will start the following day on the mock cycle (exciting b/c we thought I would need to start a period to get started but it may not be necessary to wait on a period)!

The mock cycle begins with me going off BCP's and starting estrogen patches. After two weeks I will have a transvag to check my uterine lining. If the lining increases in thickness then the PIO's begin! After ten days I have will have endometrial biopsy to make sure my lining responded appropriately to the meds. If the lining looks good, we will move on to the active cycle with our donor!

Reading Blogs

I have so many other things to be doing but I cannot stop reading other IVF blogs.

RE donor egg coordinator is preparing a schedule for us. We should do our mock cycle in September and the real deal by the end of October, early November.

Massage during IVF

With our last IVF cycle two years ago I went for accu*puncture before and on the day of our transfer. I did conceive but had an early miscarriage. Looking back, I don't know why I did the accu*puncture b.c it was not relaxing for me at all. I don't like needles (who does?) and remember being anxious that I was going to hit one if I moved a muscle!

This time around I want to go for massages in the weeks leading up to our IVF cycle and also during the 2WW. There is NOTHING better than a massage for relaxation! I thought I would schedule weekly 30 min massages and therefore be able to go more often (I would feel pretty guilty about several 60 minute massages).

Has anyone else done this or heard of it as being beneficial during IVF? It certainly can't hurt.

And the check is in the mail

The stamp went on the envelope earlier this morning...an envelope containing a check written for a painfully large amount. Even though my first RE appt for this cycle is not for two weeks we needed to mail a check to reserve our donor choice. As quickly as donors are being chosen at our RE office, I felt like I should get it mailed this weekend.

One more step in the process complete.

Donor and Back-up Chosen

Just emailed our RE donor coordinator with our donor choice and a back-up.

Exciting stuff!

I think we have chosen a donor!

Okay, so this time around (two years after our first IVF using my eggs) I have this humble sense of peace about our cycle. It 's as if showing too much enthusiasm will jinx us. I am so excited that I am calm...does that make sense?

Today's reason to be freakishly calmly enthusiastic: I think we have chosen a donor!

It feels like it happened really fast. Has anyone chosen a donor within just a week or so? Our RE has "x" donors meeting our preferred criteria and we really like one of them over all the rest. She feels right for several reasons. Were we supposed to take weeks and weeks to do this? I guess I don't think we should obsess too much over the donor. If she is fertile, healthy and meets even just a few physical characteristics we prefer, I figure why keep looking, yes?

Why do I feel indulgent?

While it's completely natural to want to experience a pregnancy and parent a baby I have such a sense of guilt about it. Donor egg IVF comes with a whopping price tag! I was explaining to Ivan last night that I just can't ignore this intense desire to attempt another IVF. It's like a deep calling that I can't ignore and feel like I shouldn't ignore. But, why does it make me feel indulgent and selfish? I think there has to be more to it than that and I was trying to explain it last night. For starters, my girls are old enough to benefit from sharing in a pregnancy experience with us...they would sincerely enjoy following all of the stages, going to doctor visits, etc. My youngest is desperate to be a big sister...she would positively blossom in that role. And what about this life we would be creating that would never exist otherwise? I know he or she would bless this earth with his/her talents. It has has been gnawing at me, this desire to try IVF again. Maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better by suggesting there are higher power hands in the matter. What ever the source of the tunnel-vision-drive to see this through, I am overcome with humble joy that it is happening again.

GYN Visit...the ball is starting to roll

Went to my GYN yesterday. He did a transvag b/c I have had pain on my left side. Sure enough I have a cyst. I grow cysts on my ovaries even while taking the pill continously. Figures. It hurt a lot more a few weeks ago so it must have been quite a bit larger than it is now (5mm yesterday). We will just let it clear on its own. It is definitely NOT an endometrioma as the fluid is clear.

Appt has been made with RE for August 28. I was hoping to get in sooner but need to trust the timing of all this. RE office is an almost 4 hour drive for me so I can't just pop in any time, hence an appt two weeks out.

The goal is to have an actice cycle by the end of October. I hope that can happen as I want this over before the holidays.

I will need to visit with the RE about the donor egg program (28th appt). After that we will do a mock cycle where I am given estro*gen and pro*gesterone. They will check the growth of my endometrium and also do a mock transfer through my tricky cervix.

If I pass the mock cycle then I will go on Lup*ron to await the start of an active cycle. To make this all more tricky, we are going on vacation in early October!

One issue up in the air is would I benefit from a lap to "clean up" my pelvis due to any endo that is growing. I don't really have pain per se. During my recent annual pap my GYN did an exam and I did not have any painful areas.

Here we go....again

Two years after our IVF miscarriage we are again considering throwing our hats into the donor egg IVF ring. I am now 40 years old and actually don't at all mind going with donor eggs...just wish it didn't cost more.

Have an appt with my GYN next week to see if I should have a lap done before getting started. I am confident there is endo in there again. It's not like the nasty stuff just suddenly disappears. Sigh.

Does anyone have experience with endo and IVF whose RE has indicated that doing a "clean up" of the endo would help with the IVF results? With donor IVF we won't be tapping my ovaries, however, I wonder if the chemicals emitted from adhesions impair implantation? The RE nurse did not seem to think it matters.

Enjoying catching up on your blogs.

Happy New Year

Nothing new on the IVF front. Just staying busy with life and waiting for the right time to consider starting again.

Sending good wishes to all of my IVF blogging friends!

Happy Holidays

Greetings! Staying busy here with my two daughters. IVF is still in my future...perhaps Summer of 2009!

Sending good wishes to everyone during this holiday season!

Update on Life

Greetings friends! Yes, this has become one of those lame blogs with no updates! I am so sorry!

IVF with donor eggs is on hold for now...maybe forever...who knows!

Right now I am focusing on homeschooling my oldest child for this school year. She is an "outside the box" kinda gal and needs a place to learn that is fun and engaging and at her pace!

Nothing has changed in my heart...I still want to pursue a pregnancy with age 40 looming in the near future! It's not too late for my own eggs but seems like a bad way to spend the money since there would be such an increased risk for birth defects and a lesser chance of conception. The clock is ticking...and rather loudly. Not only is it ticking for my eggs but also for pursuing motherhood in general...there are days I just can't imagine having a baby/toddler/preschooler around again. I want it but can I handle it? Would love to hear back from some of you fabulous 40-somethings....how *is* parenting a baby in your 40's?

I will check in with all of you now and then and I send warm wishes for success and happiness!

Pearle Vision KUDOS!!!

Now THIS is a beautiful Mother's Day ad!

Kudos to Pearle Vision and their sensitive marketing staff. They need to teach Teleflora and NBC a few things!

Teleflora shouldn't expect my "non money"!

Not sure how many of you have the time to watch television during the day....I barely watch TV at all let alone during the day! It turns out the Today Show and Teleflora have teamed up to throw the "America's Favorite Mom" contest. Yeah, sounds all gooey drippy heartwarming...that is until you read the categories of the nominated moms. Before the barage of emails on Friday, one of the categories was "NON MOMs"...it was for moms who have parented other people's children or who are parenting children whom they ADOPTED. I can tell you my complaint email went out so fast it may have burned the modem on the way out. Within a few hours I had an apology email in my Inbox saying they had changed the category to "Adopting Moms".

Well Hells Bells, you idiots at NBC and Teleflora, why in God's name must you separate these mothers into categories AT ALL? One of them is called "working moms". Hmmm, last time I checked, I work my ASS OFF parenting my daughters, keeping up with their two schedules, following through on my volunteer work, maintaining a household that is not in total chaos, etc. But I guess since I don't earn a paycheck, I am not a "working mom". To add insult to injury, they have a separate category for moms whom have adopted? And, the original concept for this ridiculous contest had the adopting moms under the NON MOMS category?? Can someone tell me what a "non mom" is??

What possessed these people to create these silly caregories at all? Would it not have been better to present the nominess under a general theme of "inspiring stories"? How about five winners rather than one winner in each of five categories?

They have managed to minimize the roles of mothers from ALL walks of life and it's really a shame that it was done on such a special weekend and so publicly.

Wow, it's amazing how hard I work, how much love I show, how many nights I have been awake with worry about my NON DAUGHTERS. Non caregiving sure is hard work!

NBC and Teleflora don't have to worry about me spending my non money on any of their products and they are welcome to kiss my skinny non ass!

Still hangin

It's been a busy spring here....as usual! The monthly horse shows have started up again and life is a flurry of school activities. With the economy as crappy as it is, I just cannot in good conscience spend savings on IVF.

My heart is wounded and I guess always will be. I am getting to a point that being pregnant would be downright silly. I will be 40 next year and am not willing to go much past that using donor eggs to get pregnant. If you have seen the movie Ba*by Ma*ma, you see that the poked fun at "older" women giving birth....the character in the movie is clearly in her 50's....yeah, ick. I don't want to be one of those women getting "raised eyebrows" thrown her way. I would say giving birth by 42 would be my goal.

Beyond the age thing...I honestly feel really, really tired any time I think about caring for an infant again! At this point I have children who are self sufficient! They sleep in! I have friends who adopted for the first time in their late 40's...I don't know how in their 50's they are chasing around children under age 5! I guess those little ones keep you young.

Sending warm wishes to my fellow infertility bloggers.

Eat your yogurt!

Okay, so I am sorry that I never post with any exciting infertility-related news. The fact is that we are just on hold, raising our girls, waiting to get to the point where we might do a donor egg cycle. My age would be the main factor (39). It just doesn't make sense to spend more $ on MY eggs if the goal it to have a healthy baby. I am starting to feel too old to parent a baby again but women do it all of the time so I know we can. It would be a shock to the system not getting sleep but we would adapt!

Switching gears, yes, eat your yogurt! This week I experienced a watery yellow-ish discharge that I had never had before. It wasn't itchy like a yeast infection...just very gushy and uncomfortable. I needed to have my annual exam any way so my gyn nurse got me right in. Turns out there is a bacterial imbalance. It can be treated with antibitics OR since my case is still so mild, Dr. Smile said I could just eat yogurt daily to get everything back on track! I have been digging right in to some Yo*plait whipped strawberry yogurt.

Sending good wishes to my fellow bloggers who are on their various journeys to a baby...I will try to touch base here more often.

How to choose a donor?

Well, if we do this again, it makes sense to go the donor route. I want to hear from others who have used donor eggs...what mattered to you most...proof of previous pregnancy from their eggs? Religious preference? Hair, eye color? Size? Particular skills or interests?

The main thing I would contribute to this genetic mix would be my size...slender and tall....do I try to stick with that? One of the donors I was given info on has EIGHT children she is raising! I would say that shows her eggs are pretty hearty!

Just wondering what others have considered.

Why is fertility wasted on people like this....

Skip the lengthy trial wasting taxpayer money. Tie them up and let them starve to death.

My Rating!

So, as I pass the time obsessing about whether to give donor eggs a go, I had my blog "tested" and here are the results:

Fast Payday Loans

Donor eggs?

Here we are about to end another year. No decisions have been made yet about doing another cycle let alone a decision on whose eggs to use! Based on the rates of success, I really want to go with do*nor eggs. I found this great article that I thought others might enjoy.

Caffeine is an evil b!tch

What a joy to check blogs and see that babies have been born to Sara and Watson...and many others I am sure...many congratulations to these new moms as they bask in the glory of mommying.

Let's see...since I last posted, I visited the lovely town of Las Ve*gas with some gal pals and my darling sister. Did we ever have fun! How I want to post photos but then my identity might be blown and I am painfully private. Sigh. Well, suffice it to say that we loved our time in Sin City with El*ton, Cirque du So*leil, the fantabulous For*um Shops, our night of boogying at "Pure", the craps tables and the many glorious meals we shared. The air is too damned dry and the smoke will just about kill ya but it was fun, fun and I hope to go back next year (with a humidifier tied around my neck).

Riding....still taking my lessons and enjoying my new saddle that fits my freakishly long femur and keeps me in my spot. We hauled our princely pony to a fox hunt over the weekend and Goose rode him while the rest of us drank port on the Tally-Ho wagon. Our pony is quite a confident little guy and got quite excited about the hunt. So much so that he left the second flight, passed the first flight, passed the huntmaster and was running with the hounds. How I LOVE THAT CREATURE. Goose was quite mad at her boy b/c he ignored her attempts at stopping him...we will work on that. (((love oozing from every pore for that pony & his partner Goose and for my Lilly who is now riding but is not ready for fox hunting))).

Caffeine....I went back on it for six weeks b/c I got hooked on McD's sweet tea. It was really just a way to soothe my soul I think...I needed to indulge in something. Well, it didn't last long....I am officially decaf again. That evil caffeine gives me headaches and makes me crabby and I have kissed it good-bye FOREVER.

The holidays....Thanksgiving day arrived with sadness in my heart b/c I was supposed to have a baby bump for Turkey Day. I am still mourning my embryos....does everyone do that? It's hard thinking of their potential and wondering why they left so soon.

The bubbling up baby flames are still there. I told Ivan we have to address this in the new year. He isn't saying no and is being quite light-hearted about it, playful almost.

My heart has not healed, the desire not reconciled...maybe we don't always have that luxury to heal or be at peace and I realize that. I am not "owed" peace in this life and must be careful not to indulge myself. B/c I am practical, I really think we should do donor eggs if we have another go at it. It just makes sense and would be a better use of the money.

If you have donor egg stories for me, feel free to post or email me to maintain your privacy: ashpash @ swbell.net.

Keep fighting friends. It has been a rough year, one I am ready to put behind me. Two lost friends, a pregnancy, a miscarriage, the tragic death of a barn horse, the potential loss of this pregnancy dream. I am looking forward to what the next year holds for me. Without a doubt, my life is already so blessed with my lovely little family, my two gifts-from-the-heavens-daughters.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays friends.

Just posting along

In more ways than one.

Posting....I am finally checking in at this blog.

And also, I refer to my latest "get my mind off of IVF" project which is English riding. Learning to post the trot in particular. I get it "in general" but am not doing something right with my shoulders.

Any way...my latest obsession is saddles. I need my own b/c my legs shoot off the front flap of every saddle I have ever sat in. Very frustrating and not condusive to good riding. It seems my femur is freakishly long.

<== This might just be the hunk of leathery love I need.

It has a deep seat, narrow twist, forward flap, thigh and knee blocks and has a "flexible tree" which will allow some flexibility in fitting different horses.

In other business....the silly cycles made my endo flare up. The left ovary hurts constantly and makes bending over quite painful.

Damn endo.

101 Posts! and anxiety is subsiding

Isn't this some sort of Blogger milestone I am supposed to recognize?

Happy 101 to me!

So, this anxiety of mine is about time. Time slipping away. Being too late. It's very hard. I will be 39 in February and while I know many women who conceived and birthed a child at 40, that will not be ME with *my* eggs. Because of the endometriomas, my poor ovaries have been through the ringer. They need to be left alone! While using donor eggs is expensive (about the cost of two fresh cycles using my eggs), I think the security of knowing the we would have a hugely increased chance of conceiving is worth the expense. Yes, seeing a mini me toddle around would be nifty but honestly, I just want to do this pregnancy thing before I turn to dust! Ivan ain't so hip on the cost. I don't blame him. We have not really discussed this at length as I need more info from RE and I have been in an emotional pit for weeks...I might be digging myself out finally. Knowing that literally the clock is stopped using donor eggs is of huge comfort to me.

We could do another fresh cycle or two but my response to the Gon*al-F was not great...I have reserve but the ovaries have been really traumatized by the endometriomas. Doing another fresh cycle with my eggs is not the best use of the money, it really isn't. I have to look at my goals here and perpetuating my DNA is not one of them...pregnancy is my goal.

If you have any donor egg stories to share, please do!

I need to check in with everyone!

Age is a factor

So my RE answered the questions I emailed.

We are dealing with issues of: (1) age and (2) endo.

Prior to another cycle, I should have a lap to clean up the endo and go on Lupron for 3 months. That would put another cycle after the first of the year.

Donor eggs would increase our odds to 60% chance of pregnancy.

Lots to think about.

For now I will enjoy the upcoming holidays with my girls and a trip to Vegas with my sister!

No decisions yet

Since my last post we have been mourning the loss of a lesson horse at the barn we board at. The girls and I were there when he injured himself in a stall which led to euthanasia a few hours later.

Too many sad events as of late to make any IVF decisions.

I am leaning towards saying good-bye to this IF journey but the pain from recent events is muddying my psyche so I just can't say yet. Right now, I don't have the emotional capacity to face another cycle.

Sending hugs to my fellow infertiles. I do hope all of you find peace on which ever path you choose.

Still no answers

Well fellow IFers, no answers here yet. Waiting on the period. We have not even discussed "what is next".

After the let-down of Tuesday and the tremendous bout of crying I got to do it all over again Weds when I learned that our lovely neighbor and mother of Goose's best friend died after an aortic aneurism. She was only in her early 40's, a pharmacist, mother to three daughters and a lovely, lovely woman.

This is not a good time for decision making.

Good luck to everyone...I will try to keep up with your blogs in the coming weeks.

For now I am going back on the pill until we make a decision.

Make it a double scoop?

Okay, well I finally "got it all out" yesterday...I had to stay strong b/c Ivan called a few times from work upon receiving my email. He was sad but more sad for ME so I had to hold it together. Let me just say that crying until you are on the verge of vomiting can be quite cleansing.

Here I sit. Tapping my foot as I ponder the future. Of course, I am still under the spell of progesterone b/c this evil stuff is not out of my system yet but I (we) do have some decisions to make. Where do we go from here? I have always prided myself in following my instincts so I am hoping once my cycle starts again and I am living on "normal" hormones, I can tap into those instincts and find my way.

* Do we try another IVF even though going into this I swore one cycle was it?

* Do I have a lap to clean up endo and we try on our own and that will be that?

* Do we adopt again?

* Do we stop and decide that enough is enough, enjoy life with our two and go to Europe on the money not spent on another cycle?

It's my age. My blasted age is what led to all of this silliness. Before now, I kept putting it off but now I have to face this monster staring me in the mirror...my chance for having a pregnancy is slowly but surely fading and I am afraid if I don't keep trying, I will regret it for the rest of my life. Honestly, ONE MORE IVF would *TRULY*, *TRULY* be IT. I cannot say that with enough emphasis. But, maybe we should not even go THAT far. Perhaps we should adopt again. Or perhaps we should just focus on the healthy children we have and move on with life.

The lingering problem here is that "positive" from the first cycle...the pregnancy that pooped out. It was like getting an ever so slight lick of the ice cream cone. As I went in for that first taste, someone moved the cone and I was only allowed a bit of its essence. The sweetness on the tip of my tongue was amazing. Sadly, it was gone before I could truly enjoy it in all its glory. I am grateful I got to taste at all but oh the yearning it left.

That sweet taste lingers in my soul. I have my nose pressed against the glass, peering in at the flavors awaiting me and I so badly want to order a double scoop on a sugar cone.

Do I walk away and enjoy the other treats life offers me or do I jump head-first into another one of those delectible cones? Because let's face it folks, the ice cream won't stay frozen much longer.

And, if I do belly up to the counter, will I even get a taste the next time?

That progesterone is a bugger

RENurse just called.

Negative.

We did not achieve a pregnancy.

12 hours to beta - 10dp3dt

Well, it's been a pretty down-in-the-dumps afternoon.

You see, at noon I decided foolishly to pee on a stick. Yeah, uh huh. It was negative. So to Dr. Google I ran. I found blog after blog of people having a negative hpt at 10dp3dt only to have a positive beta the next day. I have been somewhat buoyed by that.

Something happened at dinner, though. I cheered up sitting there with my doting Ivan and my darling Goose and Lili. While tomorrow will be sad, getting bad news "officially", I feel more at peace tonight. I feel beaten and battered and (tonight at this very moment) I just want to move on with life.

Right now I still feel nauseous and icky which is no doubt from the mild migraine I got today. I started seeing squigglies at 1PM or so and then the headache hit. The bb's are quite large compared to their normal size. Still feel like I am peeing way more than normal and I am very thirsty, dry throat. There were the strange pelvic pains today as well. But, hey, the pee stick said no!

I will post tomorrow as soon as I know something.

36 hours to beta

Whew...what a progesterone monster I have been this weekend. Honestly, I have tried to distance myself from folks so they haven't been exposed to the full throttle of my easily brought-on wrath. Ivan has been SO very sweet to me. He always is sweet but to be so nice when I am so crabby...that is a real man.

Ivan and I bought a PPV movie last night. You know, sometimes a good old fashioned scary movie is just really fun! Well, I bought and TiVo'd our movie and we snuggled up around 9PM to watch it. We picked the WRONG MOVIE! Fifteen mins into it I had to delete it. It was terrifying! At one point Ivan said, "oh, I can't be watching this!". As we age do we lose our tolerance for scary movies? It got so bad that I felt like any implanted embryos were in danger for their very survival! The movie was "The Mes*sengers" and if you like to be horrified, go ahead and rent it! It's not scary, it's horrifying.

One of the best scary flicks we ever saw was "The Oth*ers" (with Nicole Kidman). Oh my gosh, if you have not seen it, I highly suggest renting it. It's scary but not "send your embryos running for your cervix" scary.

Also this weekend we bought Halloween costumes. The girls and I are going to be "vampiresses" this year and Ivan was undecided about his costume. He said something about being a....pilot....he IS a pilot but okay, hon, whatever you want to "dress up" as! :) I couldn't help but wonder about any potential changes in my body five weeks from now when I will be wearing said costume.

Symptoms....the arse is quite sore beyond measure. Those shots really start to add up. My cheeks and hips hurt with every step. My bottom feels HUGE and my BB's feel huge. I am an "A" cup and am very aware of my boobs this weekend. How do you big busted women do it? Ack! My jeans are tight...typical bloating.

Late this afternoon I got a sour stomach and that "vomit-y" feeling after eating. Who knows. Progesterone slows digestion so it could just be that.

Here is a question I have for all of you....does progesterone have a cumulative effect as we take it? We have a set dose each day...same amount. Do any potential symptoms start right away or does it slowly build up to bring on the symptoms? I would think you would have the symptoms from day 1 upon starting it. My heavy boobs did not start until Thurs or Friday...the same says I noticed them being heavier with IVF 1 and I was pregnant at that point. Or, does it take the progesterone ten days to build and start causing the symptoms? I would love to know! Please chime in. My only experience was the last cycle.

I SO want to be released from this hell. Thank goodness that beta time is almost here! I honestly don't know what the result will be...it could go either way.

I needed that whistle

So I was walking to my vehicle in the WM parking lot this morning and would have sworn I heard a sort of "cat call" coming from a passing mini van that had the driver window down. Nah, that wasn't for ME, I thought. Then, while loading my items into my 4R the same van drives by and this time the male driver whistled! HA! It's pretty pathetic when you are so low due to the 2ww that a pathetic guy in a MINI VAN can boost your day with his whistle! Yes, I am headed to pathetic-ville folks. Sad but true.

I took three Ty*lenol today to head-off any headache that might try to attack me this afternoon. Yesterday's headache turned into a migraine that had me practically moaning myself to sleep by bed time.

Today I am dealing with a mild headache, constant urge to pee and crampiness, bloating, larger BB's. All of these things are no doubt from the progesterone and it occurred to me...AHA...also caused by my effing endo! I am sure that prog has the endo just raging away in there.

This 2WW has been especially excrutiating and I don't know why. I hate it for all of us...that we have to go through it and often are disappointed in the end.

Nurse says too early for symptoms

Well, this is throwing me for a loop.

I emailed RENurse about my symptoms b/c I wanted to verify that I could take acetemenophen for the headaches...I really hate to take anything unless absolutely necessary.

She emailed back that she has never seen my "combination" of symptoms (gag reflex feeling, peeing a lot, nausea, hot/cold flashes, headache,) WTF?? and that it's too early for HCG triggered symptoms any way.

Okay, so it sounds like I am losing my effing mind then!

Can anyone on this ridiculous planet tell me why, if this is a "bug", it only seems to come in the afternoons?

Does the progesterone build up and cause weird-o symptoms at some point?

Not only is my HEAD ACHING like a sonofabitch and my stomach nauseated but now I am pissed off....just pissed in general that feeling this bad means NOTHING related to pregnancy (or so I am being told).

EFF YOU ENTIRE IVF PROCESS!! Girls, I am starting to "lose it". I can't do this again. Ever. Nope. Paperchasing to China or Vietnam is a process you are in control of...and there is a child at the end of all the craziness!!! I don't give a rat's a$$ about my DNA...other than passing on my ability to eat to my heart's delight and not gain an ounce, I have nothing special to pass on to anyone. Raising someone else's DNA is fine with me. Yes, I desperately want this to work...I so very much do. I want to experience pregnancy more than I want a "bio" child. But I don't want pregnancy badly enough to play the mind games...it takes over your life and I want my life back!

What I would give for a cold alcoholic beverage right now. Let me promise this, Internet, if the beta is negative, I will be tying one on like never before.

Care to join me?

Symptom Update:
Really, really crampy now. If this were any other cycle I would say "I am about to start my period". But, we all know the PIO prevents that. So, can someone please explain the cramping? Yes, I, TOO, would like to knock me in the head, rendering me comatose until Tuesday morning.

7dp3dt - 10dpo

What a horrid night. I went to bed at 9:15pm.

I was up to pee at 10:15, 11:20, midnight and then another few times but I did that in my sleep pretty much. Suffice it to say it was a bad night. I could feel blood pulsing throughout my body...like one big heartbeat.

The PIO hurt like hell this morning b/c I think we hit a never or something. The pain has been shooting down my hip all the way to my ankle! Like yesterday, I am taking today "off" from life...I have decided to "check out" until the beta...that means I have been sitting on the couch watching A Ba*by Story. This is NOT my usual behavior...unless a national disaster has occurred, Pash does not have the TV on during the day...EVER!

Within the last ten mintues, the nausea has started and the headache is here along with a feeling of being hot. I can feel my heart beating in my ears....could this be from my relative inactivity?

Goose has to do chores at the barn tonight and I usually help lifting 50# feed bags, bales of hay, etc.. Geez, not only am I not supposed to lift but I doubt I will feel like driving there let alone HELPING. Ugh.

Beta is TUESDAY, Sept 25, 8AM.

Yes, I will pee on a stick but not until Sunday at the earliest and only if these strange symptoms keep up. I have seen enough negative pee sticks in my life...I don't need even ONE more! I love hearing from you...thanks for the encouragement.

Feeling strange

6dp3dt - (9 days post "ovulation")

It is probably the PIO but I am not feeling well this afternoon.

I feel "unsettled", short of breath, hot then cold, tired, peeing a lot, mild headache off and on (have not had headaches in ages), weak. BB's fuller but not sore.

Like I said, PIO most likely but documenting any changes just in case.

Update: Perhaps I have gotten a badly timed bug? Ack. Hot flashes, sick to my stomach, blech...really sick to my stomach. Very unsettled.

Update 2:
Yep, something it happening. I either have a bug or there is something more long-term ((wink, wink)) going on. Constantly yawning, very sour stomach, peeing constantly. Still having hot then cold flashes. And, I seem to be a bit crampy. Not hard cramps, just crampy-ish. Saliva to the point of my mouth being "frothy". Tried to nap but a bad headache woke me. It's not one of my migraine-type headaches...it's different. Geez, what else could it be? I really don't want to be fooling myself and I think it's way too early to test. If I had to classify this, I would say "it's how I felt in July".

The pee, the tiredness and the hunger

Okay, PIO is a strange beast. For one thing, I have absolutely zero reactions to it. Even the physical introduction of the needle and the slow administration of the thick oil into my arse is not even painful! (I am tellin' ya..stand with your toes pointed in).

It's the side effects...

For one, the pee. Egads, the pee smells so funny! I remember when I had my miscarriage and we stopped the PIO...I actually missed the smell. Oh, we IVFers are a funny lot, yes? Beyond the strange smelling urine, there is the extreme tired that hits around noon...it's intense and has led to more than one nap for AshPash. Lastly, there does not seem to be enough food in the county to feed me. Food is constantly being crammed into my mouth. And in large amounts.

Okay, symptoms, where are you? Calling all symptoms!

5dp3dt

And, of course, no symptoms or hint of anything. Too early.

I remember last time I had very full bb's on Thursday following the transfer but that could have been from the plethora of meds used up to that point...Lup*ron, Gon*al-F, PIO, etc..

Last night I told Ivan that I don't think it worked. How could it? How could THREE celled embies transferred on day 3 actually make it? (Yes, that is an invitation to email your uplifting stories that include such humble embies). I am just thinking that an embie at three cells really doesn't want to be in my uterus....as stellar and accomodating as I believe it is...I really think my embies would have rather been in the tube on day 3.

Yesterday I was really, really down. I admit to a little crying jag. I KNOW it's the PIO making me hormonal...that is a huge part of it. Last night, all of a sudden, my attitude changed...I felt uplifted. Not sure why. A sense of peace came over me.

Today? Same sense of peace. Hmmm. I am a toe-tappin' nervous wreck but, hey, I am peaceful!

Any words of wisdom? I so very much dislike the w a i t.

My fairy tale wait

Well, the bedrest is officially over. However, Ivan still insists I "take it easy". I am taking Goose to see her pony this afternoon and he made me promise "not to do anything big...no lifting...do you promise?"

This feeling I have now...I remember it from the last transfer. It's like a little fairy tale world I am living in. When regular ol' life creeps in, I remind myself of the six cells of wonder sitting in my uterus, pondering their future, trying to decide if they like it well enough to stick around. I go back and forth between cautious excitement and accepting defeat.

The thing is...it DID work last time. I conceived. I experienced the symptoms of pregnancy. However short it was, I experienced it. I guess I just can't imagine it would work again. I feel like that was our shot.

While I would desperately love to start to get that same funny gag feeling in the back of my throat next weekend, it's hard to imagine we could beat the odds again.

Numbers aside, to honor what we have done, to honor what "they" are, our little beginning cells of life, I will keep that dreamy feeling this week....will keep snapping myself back into my little fairy tale world....a world where the six cells should have multiplied into so much more and should be breaking free of their shells, exploring the lush home awaiting them. I will let peaceful, hopeful music pour over me and keep my buoyed in this place of wishful dreamy thoughts...considering what could be.

What will be?

This may be the death of me.....

Tickets go on sale this morning at 10AM for HM. My back-up plan backfired when an out of state uncle was going to get them at his TM booth (no lines at his booth) but we learned that only residents of my state can buy tickets to this concert.

So, here I am frantically creating TM accounts for Ivan and me. The ticket max is four tickets so we will see who gets the best tickets on their perspective laptops.

Am I really supposed to be relaxing? My heart is racing as I prepare to out-click thousands of other people! :O

NINE MINUTES!

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UPDATE:
I was at the site at THE moment the tickets went on sale and never could get any. It's very hard for me to believe that they went that fast. Within seconds? Can someone "in the know" please tell me how so many tickets ended up on the sites of other ticket sellers...the ones who sell them for way over face value?

I am so disappointed for my Goose and Lili. They probably won't care as much as I do.

To put it all into perspective....this morning I spoke with my friend who moved to India over the summer. She told me about a little girl she sees on the street every day. The child has leprosy.

Enough said.

The two embryos that could...

We are home from our FET.

Both embies thawed!

When they were frozen in July, they were 4-celled "goods". Upon thawing this morning, they were 3 cells each and now deemed "good excellent".

Apparently it is common for them to lose one cell after being frozen. RENurse and the Embryologist said this was fine.

Embie1 and Embie2 were transferred to their new home at noon CST.

I had a wonderful acupuncture appt before the transfer and went back for a another treatment after the transfer.

Do you see that interesting thing on my belly? It's a wooden herb box. The Chinese herbs were heated and smelled wonderful.

My endometrium was a 10 and the transfer went beautifully. To my great delight, it was not necessary to force my cervix open like the last transfer. (I have a stenotic cervix). I was already worrying about blood getting on the catheter and entering the uterus which can cause implantation problems. It was smooth sailing through AshPash's cervix...woohoo...that catheter cruised right on through without incident! :)

And now my peaceful weekend awaits me.

We forgot the PIO

Upon waking, I felt a surge of excitement...PIO DAY!! At no other time in my life have I relished the thought of injections but these thing pump me up!

As Ivan was leaving for work, I was getting the girls settled with breakfast and when I told him to have a good day, I felt a pang of...something....I was needing to tell him something but was forgetting what it was.....

Backing out of the drive with the gals this morning it hit me, "OH NO!!!". Ivan had to drive back home from work and we did the injection around 9AM. Whew, that was close. We were both shocked that we forgot something so important. :O

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Remembering that horrendous day six years ago.

Sending love and hugs to those of you who lost someone in your life on that tragic day.

XOXOXO

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Happy 60th Birthday to my Mom!
Even though you know nothing about this blog! :)








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Ever lost consciousness in Tar*get?

Well, me neither.

But, I ALMOST did!

After leaving Dr. Smile (my GYN) and my blood draw by my favorite phlebotomist, I drove to Tar*get. It took about ten mins to get there and not wanting to have that big ugly tape with the cotton ball on my arm, I took it off prematurely. Oops.

I was browsing through all of the joy that Tar*get has to offer and happened to look down at my arm. There was a knot under the skin the size of a large pea where the blood had been drawn. (((cringe))) It still makes me woozie. I said quite loudly, "oh no!" and started putting pressure on my arm...OUCH...le'metellya, that hurts!

The room got dark and the ear humming started. Whoa. It was close. I am sure they would have called an ambulance. Imagine the horror! Luckily, I made it through my little crisis and was walking around with a tissue jammed in the crook of my arm. To keep pressure on the site I smashed my arm up against my chest...which looked ridiculous, BTW. It would have been better to just leave the darned tape on!

RENurse called and my progesterone is 0.6...just where they want it. PIO starts tomorrow! I am looking forward to that injection! Go figure!

Hold on little embies....please thaw so you can meet your mother's uterus! Not only do I have some nice lush digs we are working on just for you, I am also really looking forward to my 48 hours of MANDATORY rest! Just me, my D*ell and some DVD's. Oh, and the new quilted bed topper I bought today. :) If you don't thaw, I guess I will be in bed all weekend any way (crying)....but I would much rather have you with me.

And thousands of dead brain cells later....

Okay, OKAY, I took on the goo.

I knew the scrubber set would just sit around for a week waiting to be returned any way so why not TRY to make this work. Because, let's face it, I might spend as much time STANDING IN A RETURN line as I would have peeling goo while listening to my iPod.

It started off last night with a soakfest in soapy water. The actual label came off easily enough once wet. But, the glue, egads, THE GLUE!

I got out the big guns..."Oops!" was the ammunition I needed. If you have never used this stuff, wow is it smelly. At first it sort of melted the glue and made it extra sticky...so much so that my fingers were covered in slimy ultra sticky glue that would not wash off! I left the now label-less but very sticky item and returned to slay the gooy beast this morning. After two more scrubbings - all the while killing precious brain cells from inhaling this concoction of chemical nastiness - and a rinsing, my bowl scrubber is goo-free and is finally sitting, sans label, next to the master toilet.

I knew this was keeping you up at night.

At least now when I go to pee on those sticks in a few weeks my toilet bowl will be sparkling clean!

I fed my children bugs

It was a few weeks ago and I certainly did not mean to! :O I made steamed broccoli for dinner. The gals were chowing down and Lili said "mom, there is something in my broccoli". Oh, Lili! I thought, there is nothing in your food!

Umm, yeah, about that.

There were bugs. Many, many BUGS in her broccoli. They were dead bugs which is almost worse. They got "steamed" along with the broccoli. And, people, she had already eaten half of it at the point she had noticed something was awry!

They were small but, upon closer inspection, clearly had legs and exoskeletons. I ran in to Ivan, "I just fed our children bugs!"...we both "oh noooo-ed" to each other and made faces that expessed what we felt...that perhaps our nominations for the Nobel Parenting Prize might now be in jeopardy!

Okay Blogdom, I see it in your faces....you are grimacing wondering why in the h$ll AshPash is trying to add another innocent child to the family when she cannot even properly clean broccoli. I know, I know, it sounds bad. Honestly, I DID wash said green vegetable in a stream of hot water.

Well, last night we had broccoli again. Imagine the high point of my mothering career when both daughters in unison sang, "mom, can we have the broccoli without the bugs this time?"

GAHHH!! Nice.

Sadly, they both seemed to have lost their taste for steamed broccoli and will forever be scarred by The. Bugs.

Yep, I bet those embryos can't wait to be thawed and transferred into *MY* womb!

One week to go

Well, I have four estrogen patches slapped onto my abdomen. FOUR! People, I don't have a whole lot of real estate. You have to move them around and use different spots and with FOUR it's hard to find a new spot that is still in the area around the belly button...heck maybe these things can go right up under the boobs but I don't think so. Having so many at once is getting uncomfortable. I am having some mild skin irritation and a few spots there is actual injury to the skin...the areas are like abrasions and it's quite itchy and ouchy.

BTW, I wanted to share with Blogdom that you do NOT want the larger Vi*velle patches...YOU WANT THE DOTS. The larger ones FALL OFF if you dare to sweat at all. Well, you know, I love to spend the day in front of my D*ell sharing life with you. But the reality is that AshPash gets sweaty! The barn we spend time at with our horse is HOT and sweat quickly follows when it's 99 and 50% humidity.

Monday morning is the ultrasound. I am concerned that I am growing an egg or will ovulate. They underestimated my ovaries once before and it can't happen... I need to get this behind me. I need closure on this. The way I am talking it sounds like we will be done with IVF. On *this* side of an FET, I can't say for sure where I will be emotionally. But at this point, I am thinking we will be done. Don't get me wrong, I love this process but I am not sure my head can throw more money at it. We shall see. The transfer is set for Fri 9-14. Right now I am just hoping our embies thaw alive and am SO looking forward to my 48 hours of rest! Woohoo! An excuse to lie around and do nothing! :)

Dear chemical dept buyer at Wal*Mart

It was a really simple need I had. The purchase of a new toilet bowl scrubber was actually at the rock bottom of my shopping list. Despite the low position on The List, however, each time I went to scrub a porcelain bowl I would wish for a new bowl scrubber with a base that held the nasty thing out of sight (pretty pathetic that my wishes have dropped to this level, dontyathink?). Well, yesterday, while shopping at my local WM, I happened to look over and there they were...a selection of scrubbers with bases offered at varying prices. Without hesitation I pushed my overly full cart right on over and selected the most expensive scrubber set they had...it was even a "deluxe" model.

Just now, in the midst of a budding housecleaning jag (which is annoyingly being interrupted to post about this issue) I took the plastic off of my newest (and admittedly not terribly glamorous) purchase. Immediately I was pleased with my new scrubber/base combination! The base has a little door that sort of pops open to allow the release of the brush but then when you don't need it, it's out of sight.

Happy camper AshPash is. Err, was.

All was right with the world until. I. Tried. To. Remove. The. Label.

The. Effing. Label.

It's stuck to the outside of the base as if the machine that slaps on the stickers was filled with su*per glue. Do they think the damned label has to survive a nuclear blast? I spent two minutes tearing off pieces of label none of which were any larger than a raisin. Oh no, no, sticker Gods, I have been down this road before! I REFUSE to spend my time peeling off a label that will no doubt leave a horrendous sticky residue and will require any number of products to get it off. Good lord, Wal*Mart buyers, I could spend that time eating the Halloween candy I bought yesterday (much too early for actual trick-or-treaters but that WAS your plan, yes?) or reading IVF blogs or, I don't know, maybe cleaning the toilets I bought the scrubber for!!

So, now, not only do I NOT have a new scrubber, I will have to stand in line to return a toilet bowl scrubber (nice!).

C'mon big box retailers...put more thought into your packaging because a woman in the middle of an IVF cycle is not someone to mess with! Lucky for you I am only hopped up on estrogen patches right now and not on Lup*ron!