Welcome ICLW Bloggers

Happy Holidays!

Wow, Christmas is almost here! I will be busy with my two daughters this week and am looking forward to time with family and friends. After the holidays Ivan and I will transfer our *one* DE blast and see what happens. Our code word when we talk is "Frosty the Snowman". We waited a long time to do this DE cycle and it was a huge failure with only blast to freeze. I honestly would love to ask for a do-over but I don't think it works that way.

Whatever journey you are on, I am wishing you peace and strength.

Checking In

Very busy here with many daughter activities. Looking forward to 2010 so we can do our FET. I want to have hope in him but, oh dear bloggers, it's so hard to think he will do anything more than the others. The ONLY thing going for him...the ONLY difference is he will be a blast and I guess really that makes ALL the difference. Oh God how I wish there was more than one. Sigh. My one special little blast.

In my genuine deep despair last week, Ivan said we will do our FET and if that doesn't work.....

" we will do it again"

As in, another cycle.

I was speechless. It made me cry. It slightly lifted the fog surrounding my soul. Not that I am sure I could spend the money again. Just knowing he might consider it was enough.

Happy, happy holidays my friends.

Another Birth

Precious niece arriving today. Love her parents. Happy for them. It's bittersweet.

Because of the craziness of the holidays I am less weighed down by the sadness. When January arrives, I will be planning for the FET. What terrifies me is Spring. What will it bring? Complete and final defeat? Or morning sickness?

Think about our little Frostie every now and then. Sigh. Wondering if he has what it takes.

Sending good wishes that everyone survives this crazy dash straight into the holidays.

The Walking Wounded

That would be me.

I am taking care of daily life. Caring for my daughters. Making dinner. Volunteering. Taking part in small talk with neighbors. Updating my Face*book status. Going to sleep. Waking up. Shopping at Wal-*Mart.

But I am wounded. To the core.

Irreparably, beyond the shadow of a doubt wounded beyond measure.

And the kitchen needs tidying, shower needs to be taken, book needs to be read, children need to be put to bed.

Like I said, wounded.



PS
Thinking of our little Blast-On-Ice makes me want to cry. He has such pressure on his undifferentiated shoulder cells.

Period Started

My period started Monday. It was much more manageable than I thought it would be. I am back on the pill and will stay on it until the FET in Jan/Feb/Mar. We will just do the FET when it feels right and when our schedule allows.

To be fair to our one little blast, he was frozen as an expanding "excellent-excellent". It's wrong of me not to have some amount of faith in him.

Happy Thanksgiving all.

Thank You Fellow Bloggers

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement.

I am totally shocked by this outcome. For TWO YEARS I have been working on Ivan to do this...telling him about the wonderful odds in our favor. Admittedly, I feel like a bit of a fool for investing so much money, time and emotion into something that failed. I know we have our one blast on ice but at this point I have zero faith in a BFP.

Ivan has been wonderful. He isn't worried about the money but more worried about me handling the BFN. I am okay today but when the hormones start to go wonky before my period I will be a mess no doubt!

We will muddle through enjoy the holidays and do an FET after my January period.

I will check in on everyone now and then to see how everyone is doing. Sending warm wishes to all.

It's a No Go

Beta Negative.

Will do an FET with the ONE BLAST in January or February.

Negative Pee Stick

The dream is "over".

I peed on a stick this morning and it came back negative. Tomorrow is the blood test so it should have been positive today.

Not much to say about it. That $20k sure did go fast!

Yes, we have one blast on ice but there is NO WAY it will work if the two fresh ones didn't. Honestly, to spare myself the pain, I would rather not even do the frozen transfer.

This donor egg journey has been shitty, quite honestly. The fertilization rate was no better than my old eggs two years ago. And I got pregnant with my old eggs!

Just took a Pre*vacid so I can try and eat.

OMG.

I can't eat anything without getting nauseated. Popping Tums like it's candy. Someone please tell me what morning sickness IS? Are you sick any time you eat? Doesn't eating make it better?

I am so sick.

Cycle Day 26

* Temp 99.6 (it is staying slightly elevated)

* Mild headache

* Second night in a row could not sleep due to extreme nausea. Had to get up and eat crackers at midnight which calmed my stomach and I was able to fall asleep. I have never had *that* level of nausea that called FOR food. This was "OMG I have a stomach bug" kind of nausea.

* PIO was extremely painful this morning...Ivan hit a nerve or something. Horrible constant burning...like my face is cringing from the pain.

Cycle Day 25

Weekend issues:

* gag feeling in back of throat (happened two years ago with IVF, BFP, M/C)
starts early morning and lasts all afternoon.
* BB's swollen and sore
* elevated temp of 100.6 (flu?)
* eyes are burning with each blink (allergy? cold? flu?)
* noticeable slight lower back discomfort yesterday

Not much going on, really. The "gag" feeling in the back of the throat yesterday was really significant. Eating did not make it go away yesterday.

I don't know if an elevated temp is normal for early pregnancy. I am guessing that over 100 means illness.

Day 6 P3DT (Cycle Day 23, 9DPO)

Tired. Hungry. Enlarged, sore BB's. All potential PIO symptoms.

I woke to cramping in the middle of the night last night. There was also some "pinching" in my pelvis. It lasted a few minutes and then stopped. I had middle of the night cramping with my last IVF and got a BFP (miscarriage). It's common to have implantation cramping on day 8 or 9 post ovulation. However, I have had middle of the night cramping just out of the blue (when not TTC) so it's not a sure sign. Our uteruses are huge muscles and sometimes they cramp, plain and simple!

Hoping for more definite symptoms this weekend.

Test is Wednesday morning next week.

Day 5 P3DT (CD 22, 8 days post "ovulation")

I HATE PRO*GESTERONE!

The evil monster is raging! My poor family. They must think I have lost my mind.

Nothing to report. Just taking the PI*O as usual, Prome*trium vaginally and 2 DOTS. If the embryos are going to implant, they should be actively doing so. Saturday will be day 10 post ovulation...a time when some women "suspect" that they are pregnant. I believe it was day 11 two years ago that I suspected something but it wasn't enough to convince me...turns out I was pregnant (but had an early miscarriage). So, I am anticipating "something" this weekend *if* this worked.

I will test early if I feel some real symptoms. If I don't feel anything, I will wait until the morning of the blood test just so I don't have to wait all day on "the call".

Day 4 P3DT (Cycle Day 20)

I thought progesterone was supposed to make you feel calm and relaxed? Not happenin' here. I am 'crampy' in the mornings from the progesterone water retention and then just generally anxious the rest of the day. When I eat I have stomach issues due to the progesterone's effect on smooth muscle and digestion...mainly at dinner time.

Nothing to report, of course. The embryos are 7 days "old" today so should have definitely hatched and starting their "dig" into my endometrium.

We have just the one "excellent excellent expanding blast" on ice. The others were not suitable for freezing. A Dr at my GYN told me that her son is the result of an FET so that is encouraging news!

Just out of curiousity...does a twin pregnancy bring on pregnancy symptoms "earlier"...ya know, do you notice them sooner b/c of the double effect of their presence? Just wondering for later. I am certainly not looking for symptoms this soon!

I keep telling myself there is no reason for this NOT to work...lovely endometrium, young, healthy donor eggs.

We shall see.

Back to "Break*ing Dawn" (second time) and Food Net*work...they are getting me through "the wait". I deserve some down time and I am taking it!!

Day 3 P3DT (Cycle Day 19)

So...if our Day 6 embies decided to stick around they should be hatching and looking for a suitable area in my endometrium to burrow down.

There was a study done of IVF cycles concerning implantation. By monitoring for HCG daily, the researchers found that implantation began between day 6 and 7 with the embryo nice and snug by day 9 or 10.

Dig in little embies, dig in!

Day 2 P3DT (CD 18)

Good news from RE. We have been watching the remaining 7 embryos and here is what we have:

* One excellent-excellent expanding blastocyst this morning! That little bugger is going to be frozen for future use. (He was formerly an 8 cell good on Friday).

* One 6 cell good from Friday that will be frozen tomorrow!

That is encouraging news indeed! We transferred an 8 cell good-excellent and an 8 cell good so I would hope they also are beautiful little blasts in my ever-so-inviting uterus!

The remaining five are still at 20 cells so will likely arrest at some point.

Just "maintaining" today. Not down, not up...just trying to make it to next week.

Day 1 P3DT (CD 17)

So of course I am regretting having the laptop on my legs/pelvis yesterday as I was reclining on the couch with my knees up....was it across my belly? Did the heat from the battery fry our two embryos?

Yep, it's all over, I fried our embryos...they died of heat stroke in my perfectly prepared uterus b/c I had to have my laptop with me.

Sigh.

And there is the fact that I think our RE is too conservative. I am reading about bloggers whose RE's transferred 3-5 eight-celled good to excellent embryos. Ours said "no way" to three!

Sigh. Again.

Geez, I want to be positive for Ivan but I feel NOTHING for these embryos. No dreaminess, no over-the-moon thoughts of my future children, no "PUPO" mentality (preg until proven otherwise).

Is this just me being realistic? A defense mechanism? Hardened negativity from years of disappointment?

This once-in-a-lifetime DE IVF has not gone AT ALL the way I wanted or expected...especially given the $20k price tag.

Sign. Again. And again.

I am not in "pity" mode but I am definitely not *at all* positive about this. The week of the test I have several settings in which I have to be social and pleasant and actually talk to people. And the next week is Thanksgiving!

Potentially another holiday with an empty womb.

This time forever.

Blood test November 18.

POAS November 17.

Two Embies on board (3 day transfer)

Our transfer was this morning.

Good news awaited us when we arrived. Our top three embryos had made it to 8 cells and had moved up in quality. We transferred:

* 8 cell good-excellent
* 8 cell good

The other SEVEN are being allowed to grow to blast and they will freeze what makes it. I was SO happy they are letting the others grow instead of freezing them now. The embryologist said we should end up with at least two blasts to freeze.

The transfer went beautifully! Two years ago my stenotic cervix had to be forced open which made it bleed. There are a few studies that show this can impact implantation negatively. Not a worry this time! The RE passed the catheter right through...I never felt it.

Something that made me exclaim "WHAAATTT??" was when the donor coordinator told me they were using "em*bryo glue" on the embies. Have any of you heard of this? The embryologist admitted that they are not sure if it's hype or of true benefit but that when they have used it, they have seen success. He admitted it could just be the embies being used. They used it today nonetheless. Essentially it is a coating on the embryo that has nutrients and a special element that helps the embryos stick to the endometrium. (There are conflicting studies...I am not betting on this to make anything happen one way or the other).

Here is what is different about THIS fresh transfer versus two years ago:
1. cervix cooperated
2. on two kinds of progesterone (PIO and vaginal pill)
3. donor eggs
4. used Embryo*Glue

I am feeling much less "dreamy" about this transfer (as compared to two years ago) and am not going to obsess reading blogs, etc.

Well, the "bed rest" has been lovely so far! On the couch with my dog, my i*Phone, my D*ell and watching the Bree*der's Cup!

Go Zen*yatta!

Embryo report not so good

Yep, it pretty much sucks.

3 four-cell "goods"
1 two-cell "good"

The rest - SEVEN embryos - are all FAIR OR POOR!

Three day transfer TOMORROW and we will transfer the best two.

I am crying. It's not going to work.

If you have blogs you can send me links to that resulted in pregnancy with "3 day goods" then please send those links.

I am in shock. And feeling stupid for spending $20k on donor eggs.

Sigh. Yes, pity party.

Fertilization Report

Drum roll please....

11

Of the 18 eggs, 11 fertilized. :)

Tomorrow will tell us grading and cell count per embryo.

It's official, my husband has procreated with another woman!



We are looking at a 3-day transfer on Saturday or MY PREFERRED 5-day on Monday

As a frame of reference...our IVF two years ago with MY eggs resulted in 14 eggs retrieved with only 5 fertilizing "properly".