A Red Thread?

So the Chinese believe in a "red thread":

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet,
regardless of time, place or circumstance,
the thread may stretch or tangle,
but it will never break."

Those of us in the China adoption community talk a lot about the red thread and are able to look back and see those little threads leading us to our children.

Well, I think I could have found another red thread...at least I hope so.

Last night, I was looking through my Frank*lin Plan*ner (which I can't live without). I use the "week at a glance" pages and the pages I buy have a weekly inspirational quote listed at the top. Our FET is scheduled for February 18, pregnancy test February 25.

As I looked at what I had on my plate during those weeks, I noticed the "quote" for the week of our test. It's the SAME QUOTE posted on our frig that I typed and printed *over 7 months ago*. A quote I found online and one that defines my reason for doing one more IVF...the fact that I did not want to look back at age 50 with regret.

How is it possible that THAT SPECIFIC QUOTE is the one listed for the week of our BETA, our last chance at this whole thing? Those words have been my inspiration all along.

Wow. It made me say "wow" out loud. At the minimum it's a reminder that we made the right choice with "one more try" so I won't look back with regret. I would love to think it's a red thread to our little Frosty. We shall see.

Update: Actually, it's the quote listed at the right margin of my blog, forgot I had it here, too. I am still shocked at this coincidence.

ICLW Hello!

Hey gals. Welcome!

We are about to start an FET cycle. My last attempt at ART. I have been trying to conceive off and on since 1995. We adopted two daughters in the middle and for much of that time I was on BCP for endo pain...so it's not like a surprise baby was going to be conceived.

Infertility has altered who I am. It has made me feel like less of a woman.

I am at the end of the road for ART...this one beautiful excellent/excellent frozen blastocyst is it. He will be transferred next month and we will see what happens.

(((hugs))) to all of you on a similar journey.

FET Stories Needed

Is there a blog where I can find lots and lots of FET stories? I have scrolled through Cyclesista. Are there any other sites? If you have an FET story to share, please leave a comment so I can read about your experience.

Frosty is getting transferred in February.

New Year

Did everyone just hear the screaming in my house? Holy Moly!

I posted to my FAMILY blog but it was a post meant for HERE! The words that flew out of my mouth! Thank goodness it wasn't Face*book! :O Whew, successfully deleted but now I have to rewrite my post.

So....it looks like 2010 will be the year of Frosty. We will transfer him in the next few months. There is no rush for *him* but I need closure. Need to know where this is all going once and for all.

I am really dreading the PIO b/c my bum still hurts from the last round. I think I have permanent nerve damage.

I said this last time but *have* to mean it this time....I am getting older and DE IVF is just too expensive to do it again....this is gonna "be it". We all have a cross to bear...and infertility will always be mine.

Hugs to all.

Welcome ICLW Bloggers

Happy Holidays!

Wow, Christmas is almost here! I will be busy with my two daughters this week and am looking forward to time with family and friends. After the holidays Ivan and I will transfer our *one* DE blast and see what happens. Our code word when we talk is "Frosty the Snowman". We waited a long time to do this DE cycle and it was a huge failure with only blast to freeze. I honestly would love to ask for a do-over but I don't think it works that way.

Whatever journey you are on, I am wishing you peace and strength.

Checking In

Very busy here with many daughter activities. Looking forward to 2010 so we can do our FET. I want to have hope in him but, oh dear bloggers, it's so hard to think he will do anything more than the others. The ONLY thing going for him...the ONLY difference is he will be a blast and I guess really that makes ALL the difference. Oh God how I wish there was more than one. Sigh. My one special little blast.

In my genuine deep despair last week, Ivan said we will do our FET and if that doesn't work.....

" we will do it again"

As in, another cycle.

I was speechless. It made me cry. It slightly lifted the fog surrounding my soul. Not that I am sure I could spend the money again. Just knowing he might consider it was enough.

Happy, happy holidays my friends.

Another Birth

Precious niece arriving today. Love her parents. Happy for them. It's bittersweet.

Because of the craziness of the holidays I am less weighed down by the sadness. When January arrives, I will be planning for the FET. What terrifies me is Spring. What will it bring? Complete and final defeat? Or morning sickness?

Think about our little Frostie every now and then. Sigh. Wondering if he has what it takes.

Sending good wishes that everyone survives this crazy dash straight into the holidays.

The Walking Wounded

That would be me.

I am taking care of daily life. Caring for my daughters. Making dinner. Volunteering. Taking part in small talk with neighbors. Updating my Face*book status. Going to sleep. Waking up. Shopping at Wal-*Mart.

But I am wounded. To the core.

Irreparably, beyond the shadow of a doubt wounded beyond measure.

And the kitchen needs tidying, shower needs to be taken, book needs to be read, children need to be put to bed.

Like I said, wounded.



PS
Thinking of our little Blast-On-Ice makes me want to cry. He has such pressure on his undifferentiated shoulder cells.

Period Started

My period started Monday. It was much more manageable than I thought it would be. I am back on the pill and will stay on it until the FET in Jan/Feb/Mar. We will just do the FET when it feels right and when our schedule allows.

To be fair to our one little blast, he was frozen as an expanding "excellent-excellent". It's wrong of me not to have some amount of faith in him.

Happy Thanksgiving all.

Thank You Fellow Bloggers

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement.

I am totally shocked by this outcome. For TWO YEARS I have been working on Ivan to do this...telling him about the wonderful odds in our favor. Admittedly, I feel like a bit of a fool for investing so much money, time and emotion into something that failed. I know we have our one blast on ice but at this point I have zero faith in a BFP.

Ivan has been wonderful. He isn't worried about the money but more worried about me handling the BFN. I am okay today but when the hormones start to go wonky before my period I will be a mess no doubt!

We will muddle through enjoy the holidays and do an FET after my January period.

I will check in on everyone now and then to see how everyone is doing. Sending warm wishes to all.

It's a No Go

Beta Negative.

Will do an FET with the ONE BLAST in January or February.

Negative Pee Stick

The dream is "over".

I peed on a stick this morning and it came back negative. Tomorrow is the blood test so it should have been positive today.

Not much to say about it. That $20k sure did go fast!

Yes, we have one blast on ice but there is NO WAY it will work if the two fresh ones didn't. Honestly, to spare myself the pain, I would rather not even do the frozen transfer.

This donor egg journey has been shitty, quite honestly. The fertilization rate was no better than my old eggs two years ago. And I got pregnant with my old eggs!

Just took a Pre*vacid so I can try and eat.

OMG.

I can't eat anything without getting nauseated. Popping Tums like it's candy. Someone please tell me what morning sickness IS? Are you sick any time you eat? Doesn't eating make it better?

I am so sick.

Cycle Day 26

* Temp 99.6 (it is staying slightly elevated)

* Mild headache

* Second night in a row could not sleep due to extreme nausea. Had to get up and eat crackers at midnight which calmed my stomach and I was able to fall asleep. I have never had *that* level of nausea that called FOR food. This was "OMG I have a stomach bug" kind of nausea.

* PIO was extremely painful this morning...Ivan hit a nerve or something. Horrible constant burning...like my face is cringing from the pain.

Cycle Day 25

Weekend issues:

* gag feeling in back of throat (happened two years ago with IVF, BFP, M/C)
starts early morning and lasts all afternoon.
* BB's swollen and sore
* elevated temp of 100.6 (flu?)
* eyes are burning with each blink (allergy? cold? flu?)
* noticeable slight lower back discomfort yesterday

Not much going on, really. The "gag" feeling in the back of the throat yesterday was really significant. Eating did not make it go away yesterday.

I don't know if an elevated temp is normal for early pregnancy. I am guessing that over 100 means illness.

Day 6 P3DT (Cycle Day 23, 9DPO)

Tired. Hungry. Enlarged, sore BB's. All potential PIO symptoms.

I woke to cramping in the middle of the night last night. There was also some "pinching" in my pelvis. It lasted a few minutes and then stopped. I had middle of the night cramping with my last IVF and got a BFP (miscarriage). It's common to have implantation cramping on day 8 or 9 post ovulation. However, I have had middle of the night cramping just out of the blue (when not TTC) so it's not a sure sign. Our uteruses are huge muscles and sometimes they cramp, plain and simple!

Hoping for more definite symptoms this weekend.

Test is Wednesday morning next week.

Day 5 P3DT (CD 22, 8 days post "ovulation")

I HATE PRO*GESTERONE!

The evil monster is raging! My poor family. They must think I have lost my mind.

Nothing to report. Just taking the PI*O as usual, Prome*trium vaginally and 2 DOTS. If the embryos are going to implant, they should be actively doing so. Saturday will be day 10 post ovulation...a time when some women "suspect" that they are pregnant. I believe it was day 11 two years ago that I suspected something but it wasn't enough to convince me...turns out I was pregnant (but had an early miscarriage). So, I am anticipating "something" this weekend *if* this worked.

I will test early if I feel some real symptoms. If I don't feel anything, I will wait until the morning of the blood test just so I don't have to wait all day on "the call".

Day 4 P3DT (Cycle Day 20)

I thought progesterone was supposed to make you feel calm and relaxed? Not happenin' here. I am 'crampy' in the mornings from the progesterone water retention and then just generally anxious the rest of the day. When I eat I have stomach issues due to the progesterone's effect on smooth muscle and digestion...mainly at dinner time.

Nothing to report, of course. The embryos are 7 days "old" today so should have definitely hatched and starting their "dig" into my endometrium.

We have just the one "excellent excellent expanding blast" on ice. The others were not suitable for freezing. A Dr at my GYN told me that her son is the result of an FET so that is encouraging news!

Just out of curiousity...does a twin pregnancy bring on pregnancy symptoms "earlier"...ya know, do you notice them sooner b/c of the double effect of their presence? Just wondering for later. I am certainly not looking for symptoms this soon!

I keep telling myself there is no reason for this NOT to work...lovely endometrium, young, healthy donor eggs.

We shall see.

Back to "Break*ing Dawn" (second time) and Food Net*work...they are getting me through "the wait". I deserve some down time and I am taking it!!

Day 3 P3DT (Cycle Day 19)

So...if our Day 6 embies decided to stick around they should be hatching and looking for a suitable area in my endometrium to burrow down.

There was a study done of IVF cycles concerning implantation. By monitoring for HCG daily, the researchers found that implantation began between day 6 and 7 with the embryo nice and snug by day 9 or 10.

Dig in little embies, dig in!

Day 2 P3DT (CD 18)

Good news from RE. We have been watching the remaining 7 embryos and here is what we have:

* One excellent-excellent expanding blastocyst this morning! That little bugger is going to be frozen for future use. (He was formerly an 8 cell good on Friday).

* One 6 cell good from Friday that will be frozen tomorrow!

That is encouraging news indeed! We transferred an 8 cell good-excellent and an 8 cell good so I would hope they also are beautiful little blasts in my ever-so-inviting uterus!

The remaining five are still at 20 cells so will likely arrest at some point.

Just "maintaining" today. Not down, not up...just trying to make it to next week.