Sunday, July 15, 2007

The falling bun from the sky


So this morning was day 2 of the 2-day horse show. That meant that I was up, yet again, at 4:45AM. Ashpash was not pleasant this morning and was on the verge of tears b/c I felt too good...I want to be barfing my guts out people! I want the smell of horse manure to send me running for a muck bucket! As you can see from my previous posts, there are no real symptoms and it's weighing on me. I am so sick of reading message board posts of women who claim to have symptoms three days after ovulation. It just is not realistic to have actual pregnancy symptoms that early. These "traditional" symptoms could be caused by ANYTHING, not just pregnancy. It causes more anxiety for the rest of us, damn it, so stop!

The other issue here with this symptom stuff is that I won't feel "crampy" due to my period b/c I am artificially maintaining this cycle with the PIO's. There is no corpus luteum that will die out, ending progesterone production resulting in that "crampy feeling".
No, I will be fooled to the bitter end.

About the bun. My friend who has twins as the result of one IVF cycle shared with me her rabbit story. The day of her beta test she had a rabbit bolt out in front of her as she walked in to the hospital lab for the test. She thought it was a "sign" and even though she felt those familiar cramps on the drive home, was uplifted by her rabbit...and she was pregnant with twins. Well, I had my own "rabbit" experience this morning.


Goose and I pulled through the drive-thru of the only open food establishment at 5:55 this morning (McD's....argh!) to get something to eat however disgustingly unhealthy it may be. Nothing on the menu sounded even remotely good except for a filet of fish. Why is it that you can't get a filet of fish at 6AM? There are people like me who can eat anything for breakfast and that's what sounded good. So, while I was in line waiting for Goose's pancakes and my ((ahem)) ICE WATER, something plopped onto my windshied. Startled, I exclaimed, "what the hell?" Upon close inspection through the windshield I saw that is was a partially eaten hamburger bun. Instantly I started looking for prankster teenagers who were obviously throwing food at me...attacking this pathetic pin cushion of a woman...beating her while she is down. Except, come on, what teens would be out at 6AM on a Sunday morning? Once I got over my victim mentality, I realized that a bird had found the bun in the parking lot and was flying over with his prize when the sheer weight and girth was too much for his bird mouth. So, on a morning when I was feeling pretty low and hopeless and assuming this IVF failed, I get a bun dropped from the heavens.

Perhaps a sign about a "bun in the oven?"

Yeah, okay, it's reaching. And maybe the bun wasn't the perfect out-of-the-oven bun you are envisioning. It was hard and had been in someone's mouth and, had I investigated further, it would have no doubt had some leftover ketchup or mustard smeared on it. Not exactly the stuff fairy tales are made of but we will take any "bun in the oven" story we can get. And really, rabbits run around all over the place but how often does a bird drop a bun dead center on your windshield?

I am claiming my bun story, ketchup and all, and will hold it close to my heart until Wednesday's blood test.

And if the test comes back negative I am deleting this post! :)

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Relatively symptomless

Quick symptoms post.

Cycle day 25 ~ 11 days post "ovulation" ~ 8dp3dt

1. Larger, tender breasts.

2. Lots of peeing at night.

3. Sour stomach in the afternoons along with voracious appetite.

4. Headaches.

That's not much. These are all symptoms of progesterone. I don't know about the sour stomach thing but I know progesterone messes with digestion. Folks, there just are not any symptoms bowling me over. I am SICK TO DEATH of this process and want the whole thing behind me. It really consumes your life. My bad attitude could be the tired mommy talking. We spent FOURTEEN hours at a horse show today and I need sleep.

If I had to guess I would say I am not pregnant b/c these symptoms are nothing special.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Distractions

Today is 5dp3dt - Cycle day 22 - 8 days post "ovulation".

There are no "symptoms" except for sore boobs and a sour stomach. But, I am pretty sure the boobs have been sore all along and the sour stomach is probably from the movie popcorn.

Thank heavens for distractions....

Today we saw the first showing of Har*y Pot*ter #5. IT ROCKED! As usual, they left out so much from the book which is a disappointment. Nonetheless we loved what was represented on the screen. Can't wait for book # 7 next weekend! Goose wants me to read it first but it will take me a month and her about three hours. She will never be able to hold out. It's like a box of pee sticks to a stirrup queen on CD 28...too tempting.

Lilli, Goose and I are leaving tomorrow morning early to attend China Culture Camp and then Saturday morning is the start of a two-day horse show where Goose will show on her pony.

I have been dreading the hectic weekend but it's better than obsessing about this cycle. While I am so excited about the outcome I am starting to resent the stress this whole ridiculous process causes. It really does start to feel like nonsense. And I still want it to work.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Egads...stay in the upper, outer quandrant!


So it turns out you can injure your sciatic nerve with PIO shots! The photo shows the "safe" area. The nurse showed Ivan how to find the safe spot...something about the hand and the thumb being placed on the back of the pelvic bone. He is a pro at it it but I still emailed this photo to him as a gentle reminder! Go here to read more.
UPDATE:
PIO's are are much more bearable if you stand. I learned this when a doctor at China Camp (fellow China Mom) did my shot for me b/c Ivan could not be there. She told me afterward that PIO's are often less painful if you stand with you toes pointed slightly inward which could also be implemented if you prefer to lie down.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Misc ramblings....and to think I have nine more days until we test


Let's start off by sharing that the PIO injections SUCK BIG HORSE TURDS! Honestly, I am starting to cry when Ivan gives them now. Not loud crazy woman screams, just pitiful little sobs into my pillow. My arse hurts and badly! It's not just the physical pain of it...it's the emotional out-there-ness of it...with each shot I am exposing my heart that much more to potential disappointment. I used ice this morning to physically numb the spot and the effing ice was worse than the three inch needle! Holy moly, there must be a lot of nerve endings back there. My Ivan...he is so diligent "1, 2, 3...in....okay no blood....here were go...almost done....almost there....okay, done!" and then he massages my bum. Such. A. Sweet. Boy.

On to bladder issues....I awoke last night with a bladder so completely full that I felt like a beach ball was sticking from my abdomen. I felt like I may not make it to the loo b/c I could not balance enough to get there! How freaking large can our bladders get? It was crowding everything else out based on how icky I felt upon waking. My insides felt bruised this morning which is also what leads to the pillow sobbing...I lie on my tummy for the shot and in the mornings everything is sore from the Olympic bladder filling activities from the night before.

And while we are talking about bladders...what is up with the way the progesterone makes urine smell? I guess I have never had progesterone of this "quality" surging through my body...certainly not via IM's. The IUI's all those years ago were accompanied by progesterone in pill form if memory serves me. Very strange pee!

Now, about those mysterious embryos. I wish those buggers had little tracking devices, much like geese, so that we could keep track of their mortality and movement... "blast 1 is on the move"; "embryo 2 stopped dividing on day 4"; "embryo 3 just implanted!" Now wouldn't THAT be cool? And wouldn't it make for more sane stirrup queens the world over?

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Calling my embryos


Announcement:

My ute is now open for business. We had a lengthy construction phase and had to hire some new contractors along the way. The plumbing now seems to be working and the decorators did a lovely job creating a warm and inviting place to settle in for a nice long stay. This is not a boarding house for freeloaders so there are a few rules....(1) no extended morning sickness, (2) no saggy boobs, (3) no hemorrhoids. Otherwise, you can stay up as late as you want, play any music you like and there are three free meals per day as well as unlimited snacks.

Please inquire within.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Den of doom (AKA "My Uterus")

Hi there Blogdom! Back aching from all of this bedrest! Also, I am retaining water and my entire abdomen feels like it's drowning. The progesterone shots must really cause bloating and the ovaries are kinda full, too.

Ivan is an absolute nazi about this bedrest thing! I have to "sneak" activities in. I could see dust on my dresser from where I am and had to do some undercover dusting...then he found the dusting spray so I was caught!

I plan to be here all day. Goose just left for the barn to ride with friends and Lilli will most likely play outside if anyone is around. I told Ivan I could feel the stress coming on due to the floors needing to be vacuumed...ack! :O (Hint, hint....please plug that Hoover in!)

Hen-Ben has been in bed with me since yesterday afternoon. He takes pee breaks and then is right back here with me. He slept between us all night. Not even sure he is eating. What a loyal little buddy. :)

Ivan just left for Panera to get me a mango smoothie and a souffle! I LOVE this pampering! It rocks!

My day will be spent reading doom and gloom reports about why this won't work. I MEAN I plan to read uplifting, positive stories about IVF lottery winners and gush at photos of their huge bellies. Whateva. When my back can't take this ridicuous semi-upright position any longer I will lie back and meditate with my iPod and the Enya CD I downloaded just for this very day. It's beautiful music that you get lost in.

As humbled as I feel to have our dividing DNA in my uterus, I can't help but think the embryos really should be back in their lovely dishes basking in their glucose soup. They seemed happy there. Now they are in my violent uterus with God only knows what kind of weird endometriosis chemical reactions going on. Between us....this ain't gonna work HOWEVER I am staying relatively positive for Ivan's sake. It's so simple for him....embryos + uterus = pregnancy. Sweet boy.

Well, my man servant darling husband should be here any minute with my breakfast.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Three embryos are in da house!

Hopefully our three wonders are enjoying their new digs! There is an 11mm lush endometrium just waiting to show them a good time!

9:30 AM acupuncture #1
11 AM transfer appt
12:30 PM acupuncture #2

Transferred today (day 3) were:

(2) 8-cell embryos (excellent and good respectively)
(1) 5-cell embryo (good-excellent)

Update: I should have added that all of our embryos were completely free of fragmentation!

The transfer went well although my stenotic cervix offered a small challenge. The RE did a test transfer to break through the cervix, cleaned off the cervix and did the "loaded" catheter with our little beauties. I am on strict 48-hour bedrest, no shower or bath for 48 hours ( I assume b/c of hot water?).

Of course, now I am obsessing because I read that there are lower success rates when a stenotic cervix is factored into the mix.

(2) 4-cell embryos of "good" quality were frozen so we have a back-up FET for later if this goes bust.

I am feeling bloated and a little crampy. Ivan is waiting on me hand and foot as I lie here in bed with my laptop. It's gonna be a good weekend! :)

Anyone with stenotic cervix stories for me?

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Four "good" embryos await their womb

As of this morning we still have four and they are rated as "good". RE uses a rating system of excellent, good, fair, poor. These ovaries have seen 38 years and endometriomas three times their size. We will take "good".

Ivan and I leave tonight for the three hour trip south. I have an acupuncture appt at 9:30 tomorrow morning, 11 AM appt for the transfer and then a 1PM appt for a follow-up acupuncture treatment. This will be a 3-day transfer with what we hope are 6 to 8 celled embryos by tomorrow. Based on the lab report tomorrow morning, we will transfer three or MAYBE four if they have taken a bad turn. I say why bother to freeze one? But, I also know that my uterus cannot hold three or four fetuses! We will worry about that tomorrow. My mindset is that this isn't gonna work any way so why give it much thought! Great attitude, huh? Can you say defense mechanism?

Today has been very emotional. I have cried at least twice. Just so much going on....waiting on the updated fertilization report, making plans for the trip, worrying already that this won't work...oh, and the large doses of progesterone are NOT helping! It's not like I am yearning to be a mom (I remember THAT feeling and it sucked)...I AM a mom. Life is good. It's the potential failure of this journey. This whole process just sucks you in and takes over your life and it all may end with a phone call and a period three days later. Not a good ending.

The other reason I think I am emotional (besides the d@mn progesterone) is the fact that I want my embryos with me and out of a petri dish. They are only a few basic cells....the cells have not even differentiated yet but I feel drawn to them. Is this crazy talk?

I asked REnurse if I could get photos of the embryos. They only do VHS tapes! Holy moly! Our VCR broke three years ago and was not replaced! Let's hope their lab techniques are not quite as antiquated! :O (I am taking an old tape that has episodes of The Practice recorded on it just in case this leads to something and I want the pics later.)

Let the transferring and embryo burrowing begin.

Update: The morning of the transfer, REnurse called us at our hotel to say that she had good news...we had another embryo! That makes five embryos...three to transfer and two to freeze.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Fert Results

Okay. I am not terribly encouraged.

14 eggs retrieved yesterday
of those there were:

5 mature eggs
6 immature eggs
3 post-mature eggs
of those:

8 fertilized
and, of those:

4 fertilized "normally"
Update: By retreival day, the fifth egg had caught up with everyone. That means of five mature eggs retrieved, they all fertilized....100%!

The RE on call said that the other four could "catch up" with their fertilization. If they don't catch up, we only have the chance of four "usable" embryos. And, when they only have four to five, they like to do a three day transfer. NO, NO, NO! I don't want a 3-day transfer! 5-day blastocyst transfers have a much higher pregnancy rate. I don't want to put something in that is destined to "arrest" by day 5 any way! An embryo is not supposed to be in the uterus on day 3...it's supposed to be meandering through the fallopian tubes. I guess my body is better than a petri dish but, oh, the 2WW only to have them arrest two days in. I can't even think of it.

So. Again, we wait.

The really good news would be that the other four "caught up" and we have eight embryos tomorrow. He said they would call by 11AM or so.

That's the update.

If anyone can share good news about three-day transfers, please let me know.

First IM and the wait

And so we wait. I feel like I did when I was waiting on our China referral. This time we are waiting for our fertliziation report. Of course, nothing compares to the 2WW but we are not even close to that yet...we need to have some embies to call our own first!

To pass the time, I have been in bed with my laptop studying grades of embryos, stats, etc.. For the # of eggs they got, I am in the higher stats for taking home a baby (in my age group). However, we don't know how receptive to being fertilized my eggs are! If they are as stubborn as I am then we are in trouble. :)

I am feeling quite sore today...bloated...gassy. It's not horrible pain, just uncomfortable. I thought I would feel better than this. Ivan did his first IM injection on my bum this morning and was he ever GREAT at it! It stung but was not unbearable at all. It most likely hurts more than it normally would just because it takes so long for that oil to be dispensed.

Something funny from retrieval day...well, there were several things....Ivan and I laughed our tails off about a lot of things...we were just jokey on the whole trip down. But, one thing I really laughed about as I laid there in my provided sockies, hair cap and gown was that my nurse anesthesist was named ART! I doubt anyone was around to read one of my early posts about ART but I thought this was just too funny and hopefully a good sign.

Just days before our retrieval I also had first-hand stories from people with their IVF success. You may recall that the Gyn who did my ultrasound is now the mother of two children after one IVF cycle. Also, my stylist (whom has been doing my hair since I was 13) had photos on her stand of her 41 year old sister holding newborn twins! IVF! Gotta love those success stories!

Fertilization report any time now! Will post what I find out.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Petri Dish

Well my gals and his guys are all having a little "get to know you" fest this evening! The egg retrieval was this morning and we each left our little dna contributions at the RE's office hoping they will do wonderful things by morning! There were 14 eggs retrieved. I slept all day...wow, how time flies when you are given sedatives! Lots of bloating, sensations to pee. RE Nurse said that will get worse on day 3 but she does not expect OHSS. Everyone was very nice, thorough, professional today.

The fertilization report will be called in by Noon tomorrow, July 4. Can't wait!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

You've got an Easter basket in there girl!


That would be the comment from the female Gyn at Dr. Smile's office who did my transvag today...she had just moved to my left ovary and was pleased with what she saw. I really like her! Immediately upon entering the room she told me about how she did a full cycle IVF and became pregnant with her son on try #1 and then they did three FET's and her daughter was born from the final transfer! It was a nice story on a scary day. Comforting. Familiar. It calmed me tremendously to have not only a woman but a woman "in my shoes" doing the transvag today.

Here are the numbers:

Estradiol day nine: 1945!!!
Right ovary: 7 follicles, 6 nice and ripe, one rather small
Left ovary: 10 follicles, all nice and ripe

We are READY TO TRIGGER TONIGHT! I cried on the way home from the visit. Tears of relief that I made it this far. Tears of hopefulness that we are so close to possibly achieving a pregnancy and tears of fear for the emotional pain I am setting myself up for. This is a process that has been twelve years in the making and now, two glorious adoptions later, it finally feels "right".


Ovi*drel at 10PM!

Friday, June 29, 2007

Keep on truckin'


"East bound and down, load it up and truck it. We gonna do what they say can't be done".

Yep, I am feeling very Smo*key and The Ban*dit today. It could be the increased estrogen that my gray matter is bathing in. My E2 numbers went from a mere 160 earlier in the week to 605 today (day 7). My ovaries are LOADED and we are ready to truck it on down (we are actually going to be SOUTH bound) to the RE to get those lovely eggs sucked out. However, Ivan may have to load me into the back of his truck tied onto a pallet b/c my bending at the waist days are almost over....can you say "ouch!"?. More meds....oh good lord....can it be possible? I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable and it kinda makes me gag...the whole thirteen-eggs-maturing-when-there-should-be-only-ONE concept. I am to stay on the Gon*al-F until Sunday AM. The new pen arrived today to the tune of $600 via Fed*Ex.

Have I ever mentioned how much I adore Fed*Ex? From just a business perspective, I find them to be truly remarkable, dependable, smart business plan, etc.. From a motherhood standpoint, they make my heart go pitter patter. Not only have all of these egg growing meds arrived via my favorite white truck but our China referral arrived from that same spiffy truck seven years ago this month. Nice company, that Fed*Ex.

Ultrasound and bloodwork Sunday morning and then I hope - I pray - we get a date for a retrieval.

Speaking of retrieval, oh blogdom, I feel something dramatic coming on. At some point with this retrieval I will have an "episode" of some kind involving the loss of one or more of my faculties...perhaps the loss of blood pressure (ie hello floor!) or even the loss of my dinner from the night before. I am the girl who once passed out on her sick dog at the vet. I woke up hanging in the air. The vet held me by my ankles to get blood back to the brain. Yes, suffice it to say that these situations are not where I shine. RE had better be offering me something "yummy" in the form of a controlled substance fed directly into my bloodstream that morning. Ya know, to make up for that cold speculum a few months ago.

I am perusing your blogs looking for stats....if they counted 13 follies today...is that it? Are there surprise follicles at retrieval that cannot be seen on the ultrasound? Based on my age (38!), is 13 good? I am reading about some people with
29 effing eggs. Geez!

Update - Okay, I am reading your blogs about this follicle thing b/c quite honestly I am obsessing a bit. The follicles they counted today were of substance...these were the bigger ones...not every little teeny tiny follicle. That makes me feel better. Some of you have had 30-40-50 but that included every egg that even attempted to show itself. I am anxious to see what Sunday's ultrasound shows. But, I need to admit that today I almost told Not-My-Gyn to pull that d@mn wand out in the middle of the scan. It was in there too long and I already have all of that pressure and ack....the repeated reading aloud of the sizes of this follicle and that. Gross I tell you. The endo has made me pelvis shy...I don't like extracurricular anything going on there that does not involve Ivan.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Fortunes

Here are my last two "fortunes" as told by the fortune cookies at two recent Chinese meals (and just for the record, fortune cookies are not a tradition in China...this is an American thing).

Fortune #1: Do not give up; the beginning is always the hardest. Chinese word translation word on back: "boy".

Fortune #2: (from memory b/c I left the d@mn thing on the table) You will soon see the results of your long-awaited project. Chinese word translation on the back: "he".

Ivan's translation words on the back were always something goofy like "cabbage" or "window". Mine were both gender-related and both male.

Blog amongst yourselves.

Shooting up in public?

So Sunday night Ivan and I went to dinner and a movie while Goose and Lili were at a slumber party. My meds were due to be injected at 7PM so out comes the cooler and an ice pack. After dinner, I added the box of leftovers to the cooler along with my Go*nal-F pen and a syringe with 10u of Lup*ron. We drove down the street to the theater and searched for an out-of-the-way spot...a space where I could actually pull my pants down to inject! I could have used the bathroom in the theater but I all I could think of was dropping my precious Go*nal-F in the nasty floor...then what? Egads! It occurred to me that mall security could have pulled up while I sat there in my underwear, pants to my knees. Is it against the law to shoot up in public? I suppose it depends on what you are injecting.

Has anyone else in injected in public?

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

So far, so good

Okay. Labs today looked good. Estradiol is in the 160's which is just where they want me! We will continue with Lup*ron 1ou and Gon*al-F 225u until Friday morning when I will have ultrasound and lab. The Friday visit is the one where we hit a snafu in April....that is when the rogue follicle was found and the lab indicated ovulation had occurred. Pooh-pooh-pooh! This time around we are planning on seeing two ovaries filled with lots of similar-sized follicles. If things look good Friday I will have a Sunday visit and then the retrieval will be on Tues, Weds or Thurs.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Stimming again!

The ultrasound and bloodwork Friday looked good. Estradial at 3o-something and the cyst was collapsed. We started Gon*al-F on Saturday morning for AM/PM doses and will continue with the Lup*ron, 10u once per day. My next bloodwork is set for Tuesday morning. Oh geez, I want to be excited but am very cautious because I know another rogue follicle could grow and lutenize all of my other eggs. This is not supposed to happen on on Lup*ron!

If we actually get to proceed this time, that puts our retrieval right around July 4.

Sorry these posts are so factual with no extra commentary. In my "real life", I am quite full of things to say but it seems when I come here, I just spit out the facts and "post". Maybe it's because I am not really "me" here.

Hopefully positive news on Tuesday.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The dam has broken

Not only was her arrival met with joy....a few whoops and hollers went out as well! She arrived today in all of her crampy glory. Ain't life grand!

Monday was the lowest of the low. Not only had PMS been grinding away at my sanity for ten days but I also found out that I had to make enough Jell-O for 180 children (4th grade) by Weds. That was it. My battered soul could take no more. The end-of-school-year activities and no period had taken their toll. The tears flowed. My dear Ivan was helpful and supportive as always and on Tuesday I was truly a different person. I could tell the hormonal shift had occurred. That nasty cyst had lost it's battle with my uterus. Sure enough, this morning the familiar "this is it" cramps arrived and the party started! Woo hoo!

Ultrasound Friday AM to see how things look. I am cautiously optimistic.

Monday, June 18, 2007

About to throw in the towel

Not sure I can do this much longer. Once again, I have a huge cyst on my ovary. When the Lup*ron is first administered, it sends a big push of FSH to the ovaries and then the pituitary is depleted, putting our ovaries into a temporary menopausal state. My ovaries really react to that "push" and a follicle develops which ends up producing estrogen. My period still has not started (thanks to the estrogen-producing cyst) even though I have had, at times, cramps that take my breath away. The "PMS" has been really bad. My RE wants me to drive 3.5 hours to his office and have the cyst aspirated. This is something I would have to do alone as Ivan just got home from a trip and prefers not to miss work. Usually a woman is mildly sedated. I cannot be if I have to drive. The PMS is really affecting my psyche and I want to just give up!

Not sure what I am going to do.

Geez, how do women go through cycle after cycle....I can't even complete one without issues.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Hormone Limbo H$ll

For Pete's sake....spare me this hellish limbo! I stopped the pill last week...no period. The Lup*ron continues (I am quite the sub-q pro these days). The crampy-looming-period achiness continues. The headaches continue. The extreme tiredness continues. I want my estrogen back! I want the BCP pills back! Tomorrow had better be the day or I will seriously lose what is left of my temporaily-in-menopause brain! I despise the days that precede a period....although I am confident that my Ivan despises them more.

Come on hormone gods, cut me some slack!

Monday, June 11, 2007

Easy does it

Well, Ivan is out of town and the nightly injections continue. I usually have to sit there a few minutes before I can gather the courage to do each injection. It doesn't even hurt! It's just getting past the idea of sticking a NEEDLE in my thigh! How many of you do the belly injections? That is just too...something...not quite enough flesh there...what If I hit a major organ or something (I know, I know...not really)...the skin there feels more sensitive I guess. I enjoy using the lovely thigh flab that I have acquired the last few years....more cushion and no organ piercing opportunities.

No period in sight. I took my last BCP on Thursday night and nothing. Sigh. Hope that shows up soon so I can feel like we are proceeding. I have been known to go two weeks before a period after stopping the pill...ack, that would mess things up.

Ya know, I don't even think about the results of this process. Right now, I am just getting through each day...one injection at at time. Because the last cycle was cancelled after I ovulated on Lup*ron (what the h$ll!!), I am now assuming something else will be off-kilter.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Crisis Averted

I called the Medical Exchange where a doctor was on-call. He called me back within three mins and instructed me to do another 10u b/c the absorption will be slower in the dermal layer.

Whew.

That was scary.

Holy Cr@p I think I messed up

The Lup*pron needle started to come out when I injected tonight and I think some of it ended up in the dermal layer. There is now a raised area on my thigh! It itches! Holy cr@p ....will it absorb or is it gonna just sit there? I was able to push the needle in all of the way but fear I was at a wrong angle or something. If it won't absorb from there then I have missed a dose! I remember the nurse talking about a problem when the meds are injected "between layers" but I think that was for IM's.

If anyone else has done this, please let me know.

D@mn!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Well, that was easy!

Ivan is leaving town for a few days so I had to give my own injection last night. Blogdom, even a few months ago I would have said "it will never happen" if you asked me if I would ever plunge a needle into my own flesh! It was truly painless! And I didn't pass out!

If nothing else comes out of this, I can at least say that I learned how to give subq injections!

Now...concerning our friend Lup*ron...I had a major hot flash during sleep last night after having my third injection. I did not notice that during the last cycle. But, b/c they had me on the "old ovary regimen" I started stims on the third day of Lup*ron which must have curbed the symptoms a bit? Not sure. Either way, it will be a long three weeks if those hot flashes continue. I am really fond of my estrogen!

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Here we go again!

Lu*pron starts Monday, June 4! My protocol is different this time since my "old" ovaries are so powerful. When we started cycle #1 and I saw that the microdose Lu*pron protocol was used for women "my age", I felt a little inferior or something. The new protocol now has me on Lu*pron two weeks before stims...older woman...ha!

I have been sad being away from this project and I am happy to get back on track!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Why June seems like a bad month

So, at 1AM last night my eyes popped wide open.

We can't do this is June....I will have unsightly bruises on my legs (and abdomen if I give injections to myself). How on earth does anyone do IVF in the summer and still go out in public wearing a swimsuit?

Women of Blogland....explain THAT to me!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

In a holding pattern

Hello neglected blogdom.

A few of you have checked in and I am so sorry to have been away for so long. You are thoughtful to be looking in on us here in limbo land.

As you know, the ovaries overpowered the Lu*pron...IVF cycle #1 was stopped. Shortly after that little surprise we learned that our good friend with cancer was indeed dying and no longer fighting. We watched her decline for weeks and then she slipped away April 28 while at home with her husband and parents.

Breast. Cancer. Sucks. There are oh-so-many other words I could use but won't in this forum.

She was 44.

Her daughter is 6.

We declined the offer to start up again with a May cycle b/c we knew our friend was dying and did not want to be doing this amidst such sadness. The day of the memorial service I got it all out. In case anyone has ever wondered, it IS possible to cry nonstop for hours at a time. Oh, and if you feel the need to do that much crying, may I suggest adding several glasses of red wine to the mix and voila! you have one heckuva mourning process underway. It had been building up for weeks...the dying process, her death, waiting one week on the memorial...these things had all numbed my emotions...I was 'stuck' between happy and sad. Once it was released, the peaceful healing process had taken over and continues today. Life continues. We move on. IVF treatments start again.

With all of that behind us, this whole thing is still dicey. Ivan is going fishing in Canada in June...smack dab in the middle of when I would be taking Lu*pron injections. Folks, June is IT until school starts (well after school starts, actually, b/c I am on two PTO boards and the whole starting school thing is stressful and busy with open house nights and meetings). Our schedule is so full I often wonder why we are doing this! If we can't "fit in" the cycle, how can we squeeze in the kidlet? ;)

I think I am going to do to a "test" injection (a dry run) next week to see if I can indeed give my own injections b/c if the cycle is gonna happen I am gonna have to get brave REAL quick!

PLEASE give me your advice and remind me that I CAN do this! You brave women do injections all of the time...yes?

Thanks for hanging with me. I hope we are back on track soon.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

"Your ovaries are obviously able to overpower microdose lupron"

Why are buttons popping off my shirt?

I just got an email from RENurse and that is what she said about why I ovulated very early on Lup*ron. The "microdose" is what they use for "older women". I told her my ovaries would blow them away! :)

Older woman....peeshaw!

BCP's and lupron and then IVF#2 starting on May 12.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Starting Over

Cycle Day 1.

Oh the squeals of joy coming from my bathroom this morning...if only you could have been there! My last gonal-F was Friday morning. I finally started my period this morning. This could have taken weeks and I am so glad it happened quickly.

Waiting to hear from RENurse. My best guess is that I will start the pill tonight and stay on it until we begin the IVF cycle.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Pituitary gland that won't stop

Yeah, um, okay...so I ovulated on Lup*ron! That's right folks, I am the lucky winner of a high progesterone level in the middle of stims! It seems my ovaries kicked out an egg in the last week or so. As of right now, my ovaries are full of lovely developing eggs...about 15 of them. They are officially toast as the cycle has been cancelled.

The RE is stumped and will devise a new protocol.

For now I am to stop all meds and wait for my period to start. It could be a few days and it could be a few weeks.

So much for that $900 worth of Go*nal-F.

Will update later when there is something to report. If anyone else has had this happen, please give your input!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Ice, ice, baby

Never underestimate the power of ice.

Our first injection was Saturday, March 31 at 7AM. Ivan is now an expert with sub-q injections! The key to making it through each one is to ice the injection site beforehand. We used the polarpack that was shipped with my Gonal-F (which we started Monday).
Two rules of injection time....I have to cover my face and I can't utter words, sounds, etc.. It has worked nicely so far.
Today was my first ultrasound and blood draw to see how things are coming along. I am awaiting the call from RENurse now. Dr. Smile announced several follice sizes for the nurse to write down. There were 4-5 on each ovary but the left ovary had larger follices which concerns me. Will update when RENurse calls with the numbers.

Friday, March 23, 2007

"oooohhhhhmmmm"


Wow, have I ever broken a big blogging rule....it has been several days since my last post. We are just meditating here until our cycle begins hence the "ooohhhmmm" title. I was obsessed with IVF blogs for weeks and weeks and felt the need to take a break and just enjoy life without thinking about it all.

Drugs arrive tomorrow...perhaps I will snap a photo of all the goods and post it here.

Back to my soothing meditation......

Monday, March 12, 2007

It's been a good decade...removing my armor seems like such a bad idea

While moving forward into this journey, planning this "party" with all the trimmings, I have not truly considered the emotional ride I am once again signing up for. After reading some posts written by disappointed IFers on other blogs, I am reminding myself of the potential pain and heartbreak ahead.

I remember it all well...the many AF's that would come and go...the excitement around day 5 of my cycle when the cramps were gone, the estrogen was rising and my was body re-setting itself to possibly host another life. I was a working-outside-the-home corporate gal then, it was just Ivan and me. My yearning for a child was suffocating at times, the pain enveloping me.

It was 1995...Dr. Google was not out of medical school yet and we had only recently gotten a PC at home... a desktop that cost $2000.00 and had 16 MB of RAM. (((are you up off the floor yet?))) The Internet was NOT what it is now so the information-at-hand was sketchy. We had a limited number of online minutes, Blogdom!

By the end of 1996, I was emotionally drained. We had only been trying for a few years "on our own" and we also did five IUI's after my surgery for endometriosis. Despite Dr. Smile encouraging us to do IVF, I knew the long arduous IF road was not for me...I just wanted to be a mom.

In early 1997, we learned a baby was going to be born that Spring. And, on my birthday in February, we learned that we would be the parents to this child in a few short months. The courageous woman carrying this child had chosen us to parent her baby. The powers-that-be had intervened, knowing I could no longer keep up the IF pace, however low the incline. We knew this was the road we should take...we did not seek the adoption, it came to us. And what a glorious, glorious event.

Goose was born that spring and then we adopted Lili three years later. Life has been full. Busy. Wonderful.

For ten years, I have been a mom. A Mom.

During this decade of growth and tantrums and fevers and irreplaceable cuddles, goodnight kisses, late-night talks and many, many "I love you's", I have still felt the sting of infertility now and then. IF leaves a hole, not a wound as much as a sense of incompleteness. With that said, many of you might feel wounded after miscarriages and several failed IVF cycles. I never took it that far so my "cross to bear", so to speak, is this hole - this piece of me not fully developed - a potential not realized. It is that hole, however small, that has brought me here with advancing age as the final catalyst. It really *is* now or never.

We could have done this when I was 27 but my Goose was about to be born.

We could have done this when I was 30 but my Lili was waiting for me from across the globe.

And now, well, now I don't feel another soul calling out to me...not yet any way. I know this is the right time for IVF, ten years after Dr. Smile suggested it. Now, a decade later, *I* am ready to do this.

But at what cost?

I see your pain, Blogdom, and my heart is heavy for you and maybe a little heavy for me in advance. And I want to pinch myself and say, "what in the h$ll are you doing, Ashpash, inviting this pain back into your life?" Pain that will no doubt be magnified by the needles, drugs and expense.

Will my journey end in six weeks when we get a negative pregnancy test at the end of April or will this blog take a fresh, miraculous turn with the sharing of symptoms and pictures of an expanding belly?

Either way, I am confident my pain will not be as stinging because I am already a mom. The loss of my fertility will always be there and it will never go away. But, somehow, being a mom will soften the potential disappointment with IVF.....right?

This, my friends, is where I think I might be fooling myself.

If this fails, I will still be a mom, still active, still healthy, still adored by my children.

If this fails, will I feel a sense of "we were so close" and want to go back for more? Will the photos of those embryos Ivan and I created be too painful?

I don't know where this is leading me but I know that regardless of the outcome, I want to experience it...the good or the bad. As I await my cycle to begin, I will continue to read your stories...your sorrows, your triumphs and your ongoing struggles somewhere in between. Thank you for sharing your stories, Blogdom, they inspire so many on a daily basis and help moms like me summon the courage to move on and see what life will bring.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Punching the illness ticket

One of my great fears about this cycle is that Goose or Lili will be sick the morning of the retrieval or transfer. (The schools this time of year are absolute cesspools of bacteria and viruses). A friend is happily keeping them overnight for our big visits to the RE but, geez, that is asking A LOT to have someone care for your *sick* child. This friend works outside the home so she would have to take time off...just not something I can ask her to do. However, considering by that point we will have burned a few thousand just on meds, ouch, cancelling would absolutely bite the big one!

With that said, I am hoping we have punched the proverbial illness ticket for several months. A few weeks ago, both daughters had a mild vomiting virus. Whew, I thought, wiping my brow...they have been sick. They will be fine for April.

Then this week started with Lili and a low-grade fever, clear snot, cough. FOUR DAYS LATER she went back to school.

Dentist appt for me today, acupuncture tomorrow!

Not.

Goose was up at 2AM flailing a flashlight into my room exclaiming "mom, I think I have a fever!" Once I recovered from the booming voice and lights in my face I was able to function and check her temp. (I had been dreaming that DH and I were at a Bob Dy*lan concert so I had to change modes...)

Fever indeed. It was 105.3. Magic ibuprofen and ice chips were administered and babbling Goose was finally on her way to sleep again. Blodgom, you should have heard my friend gasp on the phone this morning about Goose's fever. Ha, high-fever virgins, they crack me up. Bring on the fevers, people, nothing scares this veteran. :) Give me a cheek hot enough to fry an egg on...now THAT is an immune system with some gonads. Poor Lili, her fever was a puny 100.5, which is why the virus lasted so darned long. Of course, you would have thought her major organs were being parboiled based on her moaning. Not one for pain, my youngest little darling. She takes after her mom.

Now, dear Blogdom, I must admit that these new viruses have thrown me for a loop. In my experience, once kidlets get something - anything - their immune systems seem to be on high alert and they don't get anything else for a while.

Surely THIS IS *IT*! I am feeling very confident that illness is OVER in Ashpash's house for MONTHS or certainly for the month of April.

Note to rogue bacteria and viruses: We punched our tickets...think Tom H*anks as the conductor in Po*lar Ex*press...the darned punched holes are all over my living room! Go away!

[Update: A serious note about fever...the temp does not matter as much as the child's behavior. Some children can be extremely ill with a low fever. It's more about how they are acting than what the number on the thermometer reads. This is great advice from Dr. Sears on fevers.]

Let Freedom ring!


Free*dom Drug, that is. :)

They called last night to verify the order my RE placed for my protocol. What a nice lady I dealt with! She was so pleasant. Their shipping is free, they send the syringes free of charge and they place the order with Fed*Ex for delivery on the day of your choice. Also, she took my insurance info because she was sure that our prescription insurance would cover at least a few of the items. I can't say enough good things about them!

After I talked with her, I was absolutely giddy with excitement! For the first time in my life, I am looking FORWARD to needles piercing my flesh. (But I must admit that the thought of those PIO's is still making me cringe...at least by then I will have pictures of embryos to stare at each morning when that ridiculously large needle is once again introduced to my bum.)

Bring on the mind and ovary altering meds! Ashpash the pin cushion coming soon!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

What music rocks your world?


Despite the title, Blogdom, I don't want recommendations for rock music.

I want your feedback on what music relaxes and inspires you. My iPod is a constant friend lately (when I am alone, that is...I just cannot go along with wearing the thing around the house ignoring my family!) As we move closer to our protocol beginning, I need something to keep my mind calm, positive, at ease, inspired. Along those lines, I love En*ya (A Day With*out Rain), Jew*el and Lor*i Mc*Kenna to name a few. I like deep lyrics that inspire along with soul touching music.

Don't get me wrong...I love my share of loud rocky booty moving music. But, right now I need something that feeds my soul.

Please, Blogdom...my Congo Line friends...tell me what you like...what keeps you inspired?

My iPod awaits.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

We Have a Protocol!


Good grief. This is really going to happen, isn't it?

Our meeting with REnurse went very well. I like her very much and she gave us all of the time we wanted. Ivan was a pro with the practice injections...that's my boy...ultra fertile AND good with needles!

Lup*ron starts March 31 with stims on April 2. Egg retrieval is expected April 9-12 and transfer April 13-16. Pregnancy test planned for week of April 23.

I told REnurse that I really want a 5-day transfer if the embies look good enough. She said that she would make sure the embryologist knows this.

Here are the drugs I will be using:

Lu*pron, 20 units
Go*nal-F, 225 units
Ovi*drel (hCG)
Med*rol (corticosteroid)
PIO
Vivelle estrogen patch, day of transfer

First acupuncture treatment Friday.

My first blood draw of this adventure was taken yesterday. That d@mn needle hit a nerve and the pain was intense! My arm and shoulder hurt for hours afterwards. When I was leaving the lab, I was thinking how I am NOT cut out for this! :O

But, here I am any way.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

"Grade A" Eggs Lost on Youth


Going into this I have assumed that my ovaries will kick out some "grade A" eggs and they will fertilize beautifully and me and my just-transferred perfect blastocysts will walk happily into the sunset together. Uh huh.

In these time-wasting little daytime diddies, I dream about Dr. ColdSpeculum gushing about my grade A eggs and our unbelievably perfect embies.

Yes,I dream and all the while neglecting basic responsibilities in life...for instance, getting all of the G!rl Scout cookies delivered that Goose and Lili sold. Who I am to deprive people of their minty, peanut buttery, lemony guilty pleasures?

BTW, Grade A? I feel like a dept of agriculture item for inspection.

What in the h$ll am I thinking with these thoughts of perfect egg-ness? The only Grade A anything in my near future will probably be the bruises left on my bum and belly.

I am now THIRTY EIGHT years old! Hello!? - Ashpash? - you are no longer a twenty-something college student wearing ripped jeans to concerts and doing marketing papers on a word processor. (It took an ink ribbon people...it had a hammer that made contact with paper...do you see how much aging my eggs have done?)

Even if my eggs do somehow end up being "fair" in quality the chance of success is quite low...like, if the doctor told you that you had this percentage as your chance of living through next week, you would immediately get a will drawn up and find a home for your Se*x and The C*ity DVD collection. This European-vacation-being-spent-on-trips-to-Dr.ColdSpeculum-and-lots-of-needles is nothing more than ME making sure I have crossed t's and dotted i's before I find myself eating my nightly 5PM dinner with my fellow widowed sister at Wy*att's Caf*eteria.

Despite the low success percentage and high cost, I have to cross it off my list.

Our song is playing and we are not sitting this one out. Let the band play (even if along the way a few notes are sour!)

Friday, March 02, 2007

More needles?


Geez, I gripe about the length of needles and then I sign myself up for more!

Today I spoke with an acupunc*turist in the same city as (and recommended by) my RE (Dr. ColdSpeculum). Her Chinese accent made it wonderfully hard to understand her English...I was comforted by her voice...she feels like a red thr.ead to child #3.

"It is a widely shared Chinese Legend that the red thr*ead 'connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break.'”

Dr.Xiaolei told me that I should NOT consider driving there the morning of my transfer (3.5 hours one way) as it will add too much stress to my body and I will not be in optimum shape for the transfer. Heeding her advice, we have decided that we will absolutely drive the night before and get a hotel room. The morning of the transfer I will have an acupunc*ture session with Dr.Xiaolei and then return to her immediately following the transfer. Also of interest, I found a local acupunc*turist who has her bachelor's in pre-med and also her master's in Chinese Medicine. My first session is Friday March 10.

Does anyone have input on their acupunc*ture experiences?

It's all in the numbers...and the length of the needles

Dr. Cold Speculum's nurse emailed me the IVF documentation yesterday! She must have sensed that I needed something heavy to read...I needed numbers and details...I have been like a caged woman deprived of chocolate! The chocolate has been administered and was absolutely inhaled.

And now for the numbers...

IVF Class Appointment: 03-05-07 (Monday!)
Amount insurance is going to cover: 0%
Cost of cycle: $9500-$10,500
Cost of meds: $2500-$3500
Deposit expected at appt: $6000

Ivan had a rather rude awakening last night when I shared these numbers. Remember, this is the minimalist man who barely requires oxygen to breathe...and he is going to be plopping down $6K in cold hard cash for something that has a 30% chance of working.

I am pretty sure he had a cold beer after our conversation....and then slammed his head into the wall a few times.

Now, about those needles....I read that gonado.tropins are administered subcutaneously as well as the Lup*ron...am I silly to be excited about this? Even that one-time trigger shot of hCG is SQ! SQ's I can handle...it's those IM's that terrify me...are we not talking about a major difference in length of needle here? I am thrilled to learn that the only intramuscular is the progesterone and THAT is available orally and vaginally. This is where Always-Helpful-Blogdom comes in. I have already learned from you amazing women that the vaginal delivery of progesterone is rather, ahem, tough on the Victoria's Se*cret bikinis. And I swore I read someplace that the oral progesterone is not as effective?

What does the Congo Line recommend?

I read about Cri.none gel being good...who has used it and how did it go? What seems to be the most effective progesterone?

Inform me Blogdom! Wash your knowledge over me---my dose of "chocolate" is wearing off and I need another hit!

Information. I. Need. It.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Mom, are you on your period or something?

Me: "Excuse me?...Why would you think that?"

Goose: "Well, in the books you gave me (about puberty), it says that when women are on their period they tend to be crabby."

Me: (((laughing hysterically)))

Yes, Blogdom, I opened that can of worms and it has already come back to bite me in the @$$. Elvis is leaving the building and my little girl is holding his hand.

Fourth grade has been a real milestone in Goose's emotional development and much to her joy, we pulled out "THE" books this week. I have had this gem of a book for FOUR YEARS in my dresser drawer waiting for the right time. I found it at the library and immediately knew it was the book for us (of course I did return the library copy and bought my own...you are relieved I'm sure). This outstanding book talks about every conceivable topic (conceivable...ha!) and does so without religious or political ties.

For the record, the reason I was being "crabby" was because I had realized five minutes earlier that I had planned two Lunar New Year parties in two different classrooms for the same time and same day. Would anyone in Blogdom care to guess WHY I might have done this?

It's called I. V. F.

I am a scatter-brained-one-track-mind mommy these days. It's downright scary to think of me on injectables in the next few weeks! Lord help Ivan.

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign - and I DO mean the Tesla version

Ahh, Tesla takes me back to my college concert-going days (#77, 78).

So, I am feeling like one of those mediums we are all skeptical of...the ones who say..."I am seeing a woman, with an "A" name...." and the person hoping to reach a departed loved one replies, "oh, oh, my great, great Aunt Annie whom I never met and have no emotional attachment to at all!"

Yeah, well, I like to think that what I have been experiencing is deeper that the great great Aunt Annie connection.

It's the signs, people. Lots of em. Their significance is up for debate.

Sign #1: I received a "pregnancy" magazine in the mail last week. Not with my name. It was for a neighbor on another street with the same house #.

Sign #2: My latest "In Style" magazine has pregnancy ads in it...the same ones from the Pregnancy magazine that I perused before putting it back in the mailbox for delivery to the rightful fertile-big-bellied owner. I have never seen pregnancy ads in "In Style" before. Right about now you are saying, "oh, they were there but you never noticed them." No, I am telling you, they have not been there before!

Sign #3: While trying to come up with a cute, cutting edge, says-something-about-me banner for my blog, I found this piece of clipart which I had never seen before. I saved it for my blog.

And there it was yesterday, in my latest issue of Cooking Light. That same piece of obscure clipart staring back at me from a huge full page ad.

If these are signs then what do they mean? Could it mean we are on the right track...could these signs be indicating IVF might actually work...is this the universe telling me that we picked the right time to do this?

Perhaps it just means I need to get a life? :O

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Warning! 80's Flashback


Happy me just bought and uploaded Pat Be.natar "Crimes of Pas.sion" to my iPod! :)

I got the original vinyl album for Christmas in the early 80's and it was a staple on my bedroom record player. I used to sing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" while using a boat oar as my microphone. Ahh yes, I see the picture so clearly now...I was wearing Luv-it jeans and before each performance I would touch-up my feathered hair using the comb stored in my back pocket. I seriously doubt I was wearing a bra yet, not that I need one now. My bedding was Holly Hobby and my bed had a canopy on it.

We. Rocked.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Liver anyone?

Eleven years ago (or was it twelve?), during the first song of our fertility dance, Ivan's semen analysis returned results that were stellar which prompted my Gyn, Dr.Smile, to ask if I feed him liver every night. Nice. Well...you never know what two kids and a crazy wife can do to those little fellars....so... at my recent RE visit, Dr.ColdSpeculum went ahead and acquired a fresh speciman from Ivan to see where we stand.

We are standing at attention, thank you very much, and our troops are ready, willing and more than able to fight! ;)

It seems that if Ivan had not married ME, he could have bio children filling several elementary schools in at least three counties. I suppose this is assuming an issue with promiscuity but you get the picture.

My man has quantity, motility, lovely shape and a 24 hour survival rate that leaves you saying wow. Really, WOW! :)

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

A mish mosh of posts - cyst, snot, gag reflex, healthy ute to name a few topics

2-20-07
Trip to Dr.Smile today. He was his usual sincere self.

So, that rather large cyst the RE found a few weeks ago? Ya know, the one that could be hit with a bat and sent into left field, way over the fence? Well, this morning, during a very drippy hydrosonography it was determined that not only is my uterus pristine, my baseball cyst was G O N E. No needle aspiration for me! :) Go team!

The next step is to meet with the RE nurse who comes to town regularly to meet with IVF patients. I am hoping she will be here next week. Once we learn how to shove needles into my tender skin, we are off!

Why? are we doing this
How? will I handle the needles and mood swings
What? are we thinking

I am going to start acupuncture to help with implantation. My biggest 'worry' is getting those buggers to implant. I have huge amounts of confidence in my ovaries and the lovely embryos we will create. It's the getting them to stick part that I am concerned about. Endo patients have an especially hard time with implantation.

Ha, ha, ha, I have to laugh....MORE NEEDLES! ;)

**Update: RE nurse emailed me. She will be in town on March 5. I must make a note to mention that cold speculum with her. I am thinking AFTER the injection lesson. :)

2-7-07
First trip to the RE under our belts. I like my RE a lot. I had a lovely "test transfer" to see if the doc could pass the very thin catheter through my stenotic cervix. He could and it pinched. May I ask what happened to warming the speculum before insertion? Ahem.

While he was checking out my girl parts, he found a very lovely cyst the size of a baseball on my right ovary (well it looked that big on the screen). I wish I had a picture of that darned thing. It took up the entire screen. Endometriomas? Corpus Luteum that won't stop? Only time will tell. If it doesn't go away, I will need to spend yet another day traveling so that he can aspirate it.

With a needle.

That passes through the wall of my vaginal canal.

Is it any wonder that when I sat up from this glorious exam that I had to lie back down so I wouldn't slump over into the floor?

1-31-07
Fever people! I had a fever and when I am feverish I cry. It seems the cold virus that clogged up my head managed to do such a good job of it that my sinuses were hosting an infection. Well, what I call an almost-sinus-infection. I decided that if I approached this situation with aggressive treatment, I could forgo the trip to the dr and one week of antibiotics that would eventually lead to an itchy yeast infection. A lot was at stake. And a fever was burning away.

This is where the dynamic duo comes in.

So, pseudo*ephedrine and gua*fenesin together.....da bomb! We are talkin' the Pied Piper of snot removal people! Sadly, my aggressive intake of meds still did not guarantee me a good night's sleep. It wasn't because I was clogged and trying to breathe out of my mouth leading to a dry throat which wakes you up every time. No, it was because the rapid expulsion of fluids out of my various cranial orifices required a good nose blowing every, oh, I don't know, every seven minutes or so. After the first few blows, I would let out a very superbowlish-themed exclamation of victory, "oh, yeah!" (as if each soiled tissue was a touchdown). After a few hours of that, however, I just wanted sleep...clogged nose or not. Around 5 AM, when the meds had worn off, I was actually sleeping soundly. Not helping last night was the fact that my DH (who gave me the virus that spawned this ugly beast of a cold) is still not 100% unclogged. Therefore, he has been snoring. Not just snoring. SNORING. The princess that I am, it seems that even the slightest noise awakens me out of my royal slumber. I am seeing those sticky snoring prevention things in his future. Like tonight.

So, I have found that nothing conjures up a good gag reflex like Mucinex (ya know, my new guafenesin lover). Not only do those things feel like a mega block going down, just thinking of the taste makes me grimace. And, no matter how far I place said block in the back of my throat, my taste buds are still inundated with that horrendous toxic...blech...I am gagging just writing about it.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

It's all about the "O"ma's

EndometriOmas that is.

The RE's nurse finally called me back after they reviewed my file. The RE is very concerned about my endo history and they want to do an ultrasound to rule out endometriomas that may have returned (and probably have). If they are there, I will need a lap before we proceed. This is something I had already considered and feel like I am in good hands since the RE is being so proactive. We have an appt with the RE on January 31 and in the mean time I should start my period and will promptly go back on the pill. I LOVE the pill! It shocks me that so many of my friends don't like it. The regulation of hormones ROCKS! PMS and I don't get along really well.

So, I thought I would share a photo of my darling dog, Ben.

In this photo you will see that apparently the ever-naughty cat caused one of the placemats to slip off of the dining room table (Ya know, as he was climbing around. On the surface where we eat).

The cozy looking place mat laid there beckoning to Ben and he could no longer resist....he decided to take a nap. On the place where a dinner plate would sit. Filled with food. Intended for human consumption

Ahem.

So, visitors to our home can be assured of two things:
1. the cat was on the table before your arrival, and
2. the dog may have napped on your placemat. :)
Bon appetit!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Curse of the Winter Birthday



Well, drat, my darling youngest daughter has been cursed with having a winter birthday....just like her mother. Not only is her birthday within one month of Christmas, she also has to endure the possible "canceled birthday party" because of snow.

One guess what the forecast is saying...snow for this weekend...the weekend of her completely-going-to-be-a-blast Build-A-Be.ar party! :(

Let's see....just how many birthday parties did I have snowed out (or almost snowed out) due to wintry weather. I so feel her pain.

Hoping for a change in the forecast or at least temps above freezing.

Update: The temps stayed at 34 so we just had a cold rain all day. The party was great fun and enjoyed by all. Meet da bears:


Sunday, January 14, 2007

Happy Birthday to Her

If cancer had not cheated her, I would be baking the kick-A$$ chocolate cake she loved so much and we would be having a big dinner, celebrating the day of her birth 63 years ago. We lost her, my dear MIL, in March 2005 and still miss her every single day.

I wrote this after watching her slip away:

You were alert, numbed by the meds that first day. A blessing beyond words, you knew your family, your grandchildren, your precious sons. The morphine had made your speech slurred and your eyes “off” but you knew us and you held us and you loved us one more time. As we left you, hopeful hearts looked forward to days when unknowingly only hours were left.

The next morning greeted us with a ringing phone, one that held ominous and yet painfully truthful news. “She’s going to the angels today”, your brave youngest son related. The time passed in silent, heavy-hearted thoughts. “I need to be with her one more time”, words were uttered through teared eyes, pushing the pedal down a little further. Your son, silent.

Hurried and rushed, through the hospital doors; hands held in support, hearts not ready to be broken, desperate for one more priceless moment. The scene in your room so different from the day before. Lying in your bed, loving eyes half-shut and fogged. With every labored breath a moan ever so gently spoken. Two shocked and saddened hearts, each rushing to opposite sides of your bed, grasping your still-warm hands, audible cries muted slightly by the white sheets that enveloped your fading body. Hands gently touched shoulders from behind, “she’s in no pain”; the gentle voice comforted.

The vigil continued for hours with you never alone for a moment. Someone was always there, talking to you, gently coaxing you to the other side, reminding you of the great love that rested in so many breaking hearts. Your mother, brother, a sister, a son, a daughter-in-law…your guides on this journey. As the hours passed, each aching soul shared parting words of thanks and love and praise. At times the gentle moans sprinkled with words. Words trapped never to be known. Your faithful guides shared alert yet confused faces with one another, desperate to pay homage to your final thoughts, wishes, fears. A priestly visit, a head anointed, The Lord’s Prayer in unison.

It came quite suddenly, this end that had been slowly creeping in. It was greeted with dread and a sad joy that you were being released. The constant sounds to which the room had grown accustomed had stopped, although life somehow was clinging to your ravaged body through gentle, gulping, interrupted breaths. An arm was extended and suddenly your faithful guides were, in a blink, at your side. Your face was child-like and all sets of hands were upon your body. Words were filling your ears, “we love you, mom”, “it’s okay, mom, let those angels take you”….”save room for us up there, mom, it’s gonna be awesome!”…”I love you my mommy, my most wonderful mother”, tear-laden sobs warmed your neck.

“Love you” breathed from your mouth, the same mouth that for hours could only speak in slurred, inaudible speech. It was your final expression of love coaxed by a sobbing heartbroken son. From a body overtaken by pain and numbed by morphine, in your last moments, you sought to comfort this son…the one you knew whose heart is so easily broken but not led to words.

His words, your words. The room was weeping.

Your body held lovingly, tears staining your bed, desperate, love-filled words still ringing in your ears. It was in this moment of perfect love that life slipped away.

You had escaped the body that betrayed you and had joined the waiting angels.

It was perfect, beautiful, peace.


The fact that death can be beautiful was a surprise to me. It was. She was.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Truth

This amazing essay was in the December issue of O. It is so worth the read. Enjoy.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

On Our Way

My annual exam was yesterday and it went well. My GYN whom I will refer to as Dr. Smile (b/c he is always happy to see me and absolutely beams with sincerity). It was decided that I would wait until my cycle ends (approx two weeks) and then we will do a hydrosonography to look for any abnormalities in my uterus and I will go back on the pill.

I felt good when I left the appt. For once, I felt confident that this is the right decision whereas always before I have had a doubtful pit in my stomach.

I have a call in to the nurse at the RE's office to get an appt scheduled with her. She travels to Dr. Smile's office twice a month....awesome!...only TWO trips to the RE!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

100 Things

1. None of my friends or family knows about this blog.
2. I am very private. (So what am I doing here?!)
3. I am guarded until I learn a person's true nature.
4. I believe in the goodness of humans but they have to earn my trust. If my trust is betrayed, I can't "go back" emotionally. Ever.
5. Tomato skins and tomato seeds in food conjure a gag reflex in me that I cannot control.
6. At the time of this publishing, I am about to introduce Goose to a book called "It's So A*mazing! A book about E*ggs, S*perm, Birth, Babies and F*amilies". Um, yeah. Update: Consider the can opened.
7. I despise insincerity.
8. I also despise people who sit in the parking of the Supercenter blocking traffic waiting on a parking space to clear out when there are SEVERAL that require the actual burning of calories. Get off of your untoned @$$ and do a little walking.
9. I am a very complimentary person. Unless you hold up traffic in parking lots.
10. And while we are at it, put up your d@mn cart so it doesn't slam into my car.
11. I want to be a chocolatier someday. And Johnny Depp can be my first customer.
12. I used to be an English tutor for the literacy council. My student was a Chinese immigrant. She was the first "red thread" to my daughter. We still send each other birthday cards.
13. When I find small not-scary spiders in my house, I gather them up on a piece of paper and set them free outside.
14. The ones that look like their bite could make an arm fall off due to a flesh-eating type condition get the boot. A boot. On top of them.
15. DH and I have seen Bob Dylan in concert five times.
16. I have a fascination with barns.
17. I would love to write a novel about a barn’s life.
18. A story winding through a century revealing what the barn saw.
19. I wrote a short story for my children about a country vet.
20. There was a barn in the story.
21. They begged for more.
22. Maybe someday.
23. I drink tea - iced, sweet and decaffeinated.
24. Four years ago, I went "decaf" and have not looked back!
25. I have always been slender.
26. At 36, I blossomed and acquired some hips! Lovin my new hips.
27. IMHO, Sweetened condensed milk is a miracle in the culinary world.
28. I enjoy cooking but have such anxiety deciding WHAT to cook.
29. ((knocking on wood)) I have never had to watch what I eat.
30. Stop throwing daggers at your computer screen.
31. I must have a sleep machine to sleep.
32. It has to be on "white noise"...ocean waves just keep me awake.
33. I have an aversion to hotel rooms...I won't let my feet touch the floors and the bedding cannot touch my face.
34. I spent the night on the sidewalk of my daughters' (year-round) elementary school so we would get a "spot" during KG enrollment. It was 35 degrees that night. I peed behind a bush as needed. I still have a fond affection for that bush five years later.
35. I love animals (see 36-45).
36. We have a cat and a dog.
37. And a 13.3 HH hunter/jumper pony.
38. Our pony gives me peace.
39. I bury my face in his neck when I am with him.
40. He makes me very, very happy.
41. He walked over my foot and broke my pinky toe.
42. I am very guarded with my foot now.
43. We have barn swallows who nest under our porch every Spring. One or two always fall out and we try to save them. In vain.
44. In college, I hatched eggs in an incubator for a speech in my public speaking class. I thought they were going to be chickens and I cried out of joy when I saw duck beaks. Chickens are lovely creatures but there was something more interesting about ducks. They lived to adulthood. Until a raccoon ate them.
45. We have a two year old Chinese Crested Powderpuff (How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days dog but the ones with hair). I taught him to ring a bell when he has to go potty. My friends are all amazed and maybe somewhat alarmed..."your dog rings a bell to go pee?" Yes. And, no, I do not have control issues.
46. If my house was on fire (pooh, pooh, pooh), my first earthly possession to see safety would be my D*ell laptop.
47. I heart my PC and it's continuous Internet connection.
48. I have an intense fear of rodents, particularly mice. There is a hard-to-speak-about-scarred-me-for-life incident concerning my ten-year-old arm going into a feed sack and a lightning fast rodent using said arm as a ladder where it scurried up into my shirt. Long flailing legs. Running. Blood curdling screaming.
49. I am not a member of Mensa.
50. But I do have a bachelor’s degree in business.
51. I don’t particularly enjoy business.
52. I used to be an Employment Paralegal.
53. I defended EEOC charges for a large corporation.
54. And did training seminars on preventing sexual harassment.
55. Also at said corporation I referred to my pink breast cancer ribbon pin as "my breast awareness pin" when a male co-worker inquired. During a meeting. In a room filled with men. It seems the fact that I was going to have to say "breast" in front of men in a work setting was too much for my just-out-of-college brain.
56. I love to dance. It was a missed calling.
57. I have excellent rhythm. And long legs.
58. Well, aren't I just da bomb? :O
59. And I love music.
60. I don’t watch TV really. Except for the addicting Grey's.
61. NPR, Sirius Radio and iPod are just a few of my musical loves.
62. I would rather have hot pokers in my eyes than watch a daytime “soap”. Seriously, if anyone ever needed to pump me for information, just make me sit in the same room as any of the soaps being currently broadcast on the big three and I tell you people, I would give up any and all family secrets...recipes, indecretions of family members during the 70's, secret nude photos...it's all yours, just turn off the TV dammit!
63. I am very involved in China Adoption.
64. And create amateur websites for non-profit groups.
65. Recently I became addicted to PF Ch*angs melon shrimp.
66. Since I was 8 yrs old, New York City has been my favorite place.
67. But I have never been there.
68. I want to go for the first time with Ivan, Goose and Lili.
69. And see many Broadway shows.
70. And ride the subway.
71. And see Five Points.
72. And Chinatown
73. And Ground Zero.
74. I am very spiritual but not terribly religious.
75. Despite my uncertainties we take our children to mass. I feel guilty about my lack of certainly. But don’t want to cheat my children out of a religious life even though I think spirituality is more important.
76. This is an ongoing source of anxiety for me.
77. In college I was almost crushed during a stampede at a Motley Crue concert.
78. On the way to said concert, I was pulled over for speeding and, based on my appearance, the officer asked if there were drugs in the car. Silly man. If only he knew what a pollyanna I was behind those ripped jeans.
79. My husband, Ivan, was my high school sweetheart.
80. We got married after college.
81. He is very patient and he loves me purely and unselfishly.
82. He flies a Cessna 150, canoes and plays guitar. He is extremely humble. He is the quiet one in this relationship.
83. I love his hands. I am a hands girl. They must be strong and capable of doing manly things. They should not be pale or clammy or overly manicured.
84. Ivan. Adores. His. Daughters. Is there anything sexier than a good father?
85. His mother died of cancer two years ago.
86. I was devastated.
87. I still am.
88. I miss her daily, sometimes hourly.
89. I hate, abhor, despise cancer.
90. My children are not allowed to say “hate”.
91. Unless they are talking about cancer.
92. The one word we should all live with is "respect"...Goose and Lili have been taught to apply this to all aspects of their lives. The world would be a better place if everyone did this. One. Simple. Word.
93. We discuss adoption with our girls.
94. They have a very loving, positive concept of it.
95. Sadly, we will never meet our China birthmother.
96. Joyously, we have held our domestic birthmother in our arms.
97. We. Love. Her. She loves us back.
98. We send her cards several times a year.
99. I mourn my China daughter’s loss...she will never meet her birthmother.
100. Loss should not define how we live our lives...I hope to teach her that.
101. I could inhale my daughters I love them so much..

Yep, day 10

I ovulated yesterday, CD10. For the last few days my left ovary has been hurting and this morning the pain is gone...and my fancy fertility monitor just shows two bars today instead of the lovely egg graphic. Perhaps this is happening b/c I am still getting the pill out of my system? Dr's appt tomorrow. This is all starting to scare me. But I must see it through.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Egg


Doesn't it give you chills? Seeing an "egg" on a monitor that just assessed your hormone levels? That's a libido booster if ever there was one. Since investing in a fancy fertility monitor, there is a clear pattern that I ovulate early...my LH surge was yesterday, day 9! Last month it was day 11. After researching, I cannot find concrete evidence one way or the other that indicates if this is good/bad/neither. Very interesting. In addition to the endometriomas...oh, and the stenotic cervix...this could be why I have never conceived. At day 10 (way back when) I would have been keeping DH at bay so he was good and fertile closer to day 14! Even though we most likely cannot do this "alone", it is very interesting to know what is going on with my body and I'm glad I plopped down the $200. (Cuz I was feeling a little guilty that someone so freaking infertile was buying a fertility monitor!)

Here are some photos of my darling daughters' feet. We attended a banquet last night and they wore their first open-toed heels. Damn, I could just eat them up. DH and I are feet people.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Addiction?

BTW, I would love know if this process is by chance addictive? My master plan is to only have ONE egg retrieval. With those eggs that actually fertilize, we will do a full IVF cycle and then perhaps one FET if they thaw well. That's all that I am budgeting for...is this even sane of me? Once you get a taste for seeing your fertilized eggs, are you drawn back into this like a damn fish to water? Is it possible to exert self-control with IVF? I am a little scared about that. ("Really, honey, I think we can handle a few newspaper routes and I hear that selling your plasma is quite lucrative...")

Peace

Since we started talking about IVF again, I have been obsessing about it (nothing new with me). In my mind, I kept going over the pieces of this intricate puzzle....the potential health risks, the trips to and from the RE, the wasted money if we fail(!!). Why would I want to do this? Life is good...two amazing daughters, one loving husband, one very cute dog, one stinkery but loveable cat, one much-loved pony, a great network of friends at school and in the adoption community, our HEALTH (knocking on wood now). The road ahead ain't that pretty....injections every day for weeks, my ovaries pushed to their limits, blood draws, ultrasounds. And, at some point, I will have to include a friend in our plans (I am fiercely private) who will need to keep our children when we travel. Luckily, my GYN can do the daily monitoring, blood tests, ultrasounds, etc.. But we still will have three trips to the RE...the initial consultation, the egg retrieval and then the transfer. (The trip to the RE is 3.5 hours one way). Things are good the way they are! So...why?...well, here is the deal...I have learned to trust my instincts. That sounds like a big load of bull, doesn't it? "Oh, honey, my instincts say we need to buy a new house...time for a new car....and, one more thing, we need to have a third child!". It's true, I make decisions very, very carefully. I am the person who researches a digital camera for months before I would even *think* of *maybe* buying one so when I finally admit that my instincts say "leap" about a life altering decision this big...well, that means something.

Even with all that we need to consider, I realize that this time is "it"....we are really going to do it this time. As a matter of fact, I called and moved my GYN appt to next week, Jan 10, so we can get this going more quickly. Also, I talked with our insurance rep at my DH's co. Little did I realize we could do a salary redirection and get our out-of-pocket expenses deemed tax-free. Kudos to "B" for letting me know about this! (In my defense, we have never had medical expenses so have never used this program). The form must be turned in ASAP requesting the maximum amount allowed, $5000.00. Once the funds start coming out of the pay check and go into the "savings" account, we are responsible for the amount, no backing out! If we don't spend it, the money is gone!

I am at peace. True peace. That feels good.

Of course, now I am addicted to reading infertility blogs...reading these blogs must be akin to taking a nice long drag on a cigarette (something I have never done)...I feel that same sense of pleasure that I see smokers get when they light up. Hopefully blogging will be much better for my health.

In the end, I am ready for what is to come and maybe along the way I might have a few days when I actually feel fertile, maybe "meet" a few precious embryos that DH and I created. If we do not end up pregnant, I still have two of the most amazing daughters in the world. Knowing I tried will alleviate anxiety that has been brewing and the potential for "what ifs" that I know would have haunted me for the rest of my life.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Okay, so it was a false start

Ahem, here we are in 2007...and re-setting the starting gate. Oops. After a very busy fall, going back on the pill, a trip to Disney (Orlando) and the holidays, whew, here I am ready to crouch down and wait for the shot to ring out....again. I promise that my laces are tied this time.

To follow-up from July, I did eventually start my period (after the Clomid Challenge) but talk about a wild time back on my full blown hormones. Whew! It was interesting to say the least. I went back on the pill in August in anticipation of our October Disney trip. I don't have a good time with PMS and wanted to enjoy the trip on an even keel.

Once the holidays were over I had planned to use my ClearBlue Easy fertility monitor, toss my nose in the air at my GYN and try to conceive "naturally". Ha. Well, I am only one cycle in and realize that I don't have time to play around. The eggs are drying up, my friends, and we need to introduce them to DH's swimmers soon. A few weeks ago, I was ready to paperchase to China again. I still very much want to (and intend to). However, the wait is now two years and that does not include paperchasing. Too long. (And I guarantee adoptions will slow in '08 with the Summer Olympics being held there). The new plan...try to conceive NOW as the clock is ticking. No matter how that goes, we will paperchase to China again (and hopefully the process will have sped up by then). The Vietnam program just opened up again and for a fleeting millisecond, I thought about a son from Vietnam (because those referrals only take a few months). Well, that thought came and went. For one thing, I know girls, I can do girls. Boys scare me, quite honestly (although if we conceived one, DH and I would somehow figure it all out). More importantly, I don't want to mix the Asian cultures in our family for the sake of our China daughter. If we adopt again, it should be from China. Our hearts are truly in China.

The last correspondence between me and my GYN was in July. After the Clomid Challenge we learned that I have excellent ovarian reserve. Nice to hear. Cannot speak to quality but, hey, we have quantity! Let's hope that counts for something!

I have an appt with my GYN on January 16 for my annual exam. Once I talk with Dr. B, we will see where this ride will take us next.

While I wait on my appointment, my newest job in life is to obsess day and night about IVF and if this is the right decision. While Jazzercising today, I was weighing the pros and cons...telling myself why I should not feel quilty about this..that if the money is lost then at least we tried and I can cross this off of my list of "things to try once in life". I have found that I am actually more skilled in multi-tasking than I thought. Kick, ball, change, hip thrust (((obsess, obsess))) march up, march back, kick right, kick left (((obsess, obsess))). I never missed a beat.

The game is back on baby! The game is back on, baby!

Pandas shooting and leaving?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Cycle One

AF visited two weeks after I think I ovulated. Not fun.

So here I am on day 16 of my first full cycle after going off the pill. I took Clomid days 5-9 and started using OPKS and taking baby aspirin & mucinex on day 11 to help with CM and my endometrium. Yesterday morning (day 15), for the first time ever, I had a positive on my OPK.
To see if I should "believe" the OPK, I took another one this morning and sure enough, it was negative, barely a line. My positive was REALLY a positive! A pee-on-a-stick test actually resulted in a positive…what a glorious day…my body works!
We "abstained" last night as advised by the nurse but now I am regretting it as I think I ovulated this morning. There was major O pain this morning and now I feel achey around the ovaries. However, the good news is that we BD'd on Sunday, the day BEFORE the positive OPK which is supposed to be the "prime time". I used PreSeed for the first time that night. Potentially "hostile" (however copious) CM is something that was never addressed seriously ten years ago and I think it may be a factor in my difficulty conceiving. My dr always replied that IUI's got us around that issue (a post coital had revealed no sperm way back then). Before it had to be hashed out, I got tired of the infertility ride early on and we adopted our darling, irreplaceable, makes-my-life-complete oldest daughter.