Monday, June 19, 2006

The Journey (to insanity) Begins

Okay, so here I sit, in my favorite spot in front of this ever-loyal Dell, jumping into Blogdom. The inspiration is my journey to a third child. I am the proud, doting, always-running mother of two darling, precious daughters. Daughter #1 was adopted domestically (henceforth referred to as DD1); daughter #2 (DD2) was adopted from China. They are the precocious little lights of my life and keep me busier than an INS officer on Shamian Island (that might be lost on folks whom have not adopted internationally). The other half of this quest is my patient, doting husband who is a hard-working, talented, loving guy who likes to fly planes, trout fish, canoe and play the guitar. He supports me in everything I do and is being a good sport by taking this baby journey! (Good thing cuz his "contribution" is really quite neccesary).

Just a bit of age 26, I was diagnosed with endometriosis (hence the name of this blog), anovulation and a stenotic cervix. Conceiving was not the easy breezy endeavor I had envisioned. DH's tests revealed Olympic grade swimmers that are wasted on me with such impressive quality that my Gyn asked if I feed DH liver on a regular basis. Liver or no, at least one of us was fertile! After my "diagnosis", I had a lap and then four or five IUI's with Clomid. No baby, baby! About a year after we started "trying", before we had to consider IVF, our first daughter came into our lives and I knew that an adoption journey was "meant to be". A few years later, we were drawn to China and adopted our second daughter. Life has been good. Very good. You would think I could leave it at that.

You would think.

Child #3 has been "stewing" for quite some time in my psyche and we are at a full rolling boil! Well, I say "we", I mean "me". My darling DH will pretty much go along with anything I dream up. He does not have the "big ideas", it's always me, but boy-howdy is he great at helping with the big ideas! These little projects of mine have always turned out well but this one could be both disappointing and costly.

Here I am at age 37, boiling away with the baby bug, ten years after the baby chase began. Early on, I scoffed at (and was afraid of failing at) big infertility treatments like IVF and just wanted mommyhood. Two daughters later I am SO GRATEFUL we did not pursue the high-end help. Even now I don't care about "biology". However, I would like to experience a pregnancy. The problem is now I have to actually make a decision b/c I am getting older. The ovaries are wrinkling and potentially starting to poop out. Two years ago, after my second lap that revealed stage 3 and 4 endo with endometriomas, I had the ovarian reserve of a 20 year old...alot can happen in two years when you are a microscopic egg.

Adding more confusion to the mix, I also want to return to China. I desire the paperchase that taps into my excellent organization skills and attention to detail. It also does not involve needles and inflating my ovaries to the size of tennis balls! DD2 would have another Chinese family member and there would be a child (needing a family) at the end, not just blastocysts whom we may never meet.

Conversely, I have a deep desire to go through a pregnancy with my daughters, including them in every step. Of course, I would also love to travel Europe with them someday...we may not ever do it all!

Do we ever truly come to terms with our infertility? I'm not unhappy. I ADORE my daughters and they adore me. It's a pretty cool deal. :) But, do we ever really feel womanly complete without a bulging belly brimming with another life?

We had the perfect domestic adoption and the perfect international adoption. I would do either again in a heartbeat but right now, I feel like I must get this pregnancy thing out of my system. Life has been good for ten CM daily inquiries, no obsession with every little pain in my abdomen, no bulls-eye stick peeing, no hip-propping. And, while I dread that ultra-emotional roller coaster that is trying-to-conceive, I am ready to jump back on, buckle myself in, grab the handle and, eyes slammed shut, scream with each dive and spine-jarring turn.

It's official, being published right here in Blogdom -- (((drum roll please))) -- in our late 30's and after parenting two children for almost ten years, we are going to begin the journey to pregnancy (again) with ART snuggled into our marital bed...who knew a threesome would be in my future?

No comments: