The two embryos that could...

We are home from our FET.

Both embies thawed!

When they were frozen in July, they were 4-celled "goods". Upon thawing this morning, they were 3 cells each and now deemed "good excellent".

Apparently it is common for them to lose one cell after being frozen. RENurse and the Embryologist said this was fine.

Embie1 and Embie2 were transferred to their new home at noon CST.

I had a wonderful acupuncture appt before the transfer and went back for a another treatment after the transfer.

Do you see that interesting thing on my belly? It's a wooden herb box. The Chinese herbs were heated and smelled wonderful.

My endometrium was a 10 and the transfer went beautifully. To my great delight, it was not necessary to force my cervix open like the last transfer. (I have a stenotic cervix). I was already worrying about blood getting on the catheter and entering the uterus which can cause implantation problems. It was smooth sailing through AshPash's cervix...woohoo...that catheter cruised right on through without incident! :)

And now my peaceful weekend awaits me.

We forgot the PIO

Upon waking, I felt a surge of excitement...PIO DAY!! At no other time in my life have I relished the thought of injections but these thing pump me up!

As Ivan was leaving for work, I was getting the girls settled with breakfast and when I told him to have a good day, I felt a pang of...something....I was needing to tell him something but was forgetting what it was.....

Backing out of the drive with the gals this morning it hit me, "OH NO!!!". Ivan had to drive back home from work and we did the injection around 9AM. Whew, that was close. We were both shocked that we forgot something so important. :O

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Remembering that horrendous day six years ago.

Sending love and hugs to those of you who lost someone in your life on that tragic day.

XOXOXO

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Happy 60th Birthday to my Mom!
Even though you know nothing about this blog! :)








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Ever lost consciousness in Tar*get?

Well, me neither.

But, I ALMOST did!

After leaving Dr. Smile (my GYN) and my blood draw by my favorite phlebotomist, I drove to Tar*get. It took about ten mins to get there and not wanting to have that big ugly tape with the cotton ball on my arm, I took it off prematurely. Oops.

I was browsing through all of the joy that Tar*get has to offer and happened to look down at my arm. There was a knot under the skin the size of a large pea where the blood had been drawn. (((cringe))) It still makes me woozie. I said quite loudly, "oh no!" and started putting pressure on my arm...OUCH...le'metellya, that hurts!

The room got dark and the ear humming started. Whoa. It was close. I am sure they would have called an ambulance. Imagine the horror! Luckily, I made it through my little crisis and was walking around with a tissue jammed in the crook of my arm. To keep pressure on the site I smashed my arm up against my chest...which looked ridiculous, BTW. It would have been better to just leave the darned tape on!

RENurse called and my progesterone is 0.6...just where they want it. PIO starts tomorrow! I am looking forward to that injection! Go figure!

Hold on little embies....please thaw so you can meet your mother's uterus! Not only do I have some nice lush digs we are working on just for you, I am also really looking forward to my 48 hours of MANDATORY rest! Just me, my D*ell and some DVD's. Oh, and the new quilted bed topper I bought today. :) If you don't thaw, I guess I will be in bed all weekend any way (crying)....but I would much rather have you with me.

And thousands of dead brain cells later....

Okay, OKAY, I took on the goo.

I knew the scrubber set would just sit around for a week waiting to be returned any way so why not TRY to make this work. Because, let's face it, I might spend as much time STANDING IN A RETURN line as I would have peeling goo while listening to my iPod.

It started off last night with a soakfest in soapy water. The actual label came off easily enough once wet. But, the glue, egads, THE GLUE!

I got out the big guns..."Oops!" was the ammunition I needed. If you have never used this stuff, wow is it smelly. At first it sort of melted the glue and made it extra sticky...so much so that my fingers were covered in slimy ultra sticky glue that would not wash off! I left the now label-less but very sticky item and returned to slay the gooy beast this morning. After two more scrubbings - all the while killing precious brain cells from inhaling this concoction of chemical nastiness - and a rinsing, my bowl scrubber is goo-free and is finally sitting, sans label, next to the master toilet.

I knew this was keeping you up at night.

At least now when I go to pee on those sticks in a few weeks my toilet bowl will be sparkling clean!

I fed my children bugs

It was a few weeks ago and I certainly did not mean to! :O I made steamed broccoli for dinner. The gals were chowing down and Lili said "mom, there is something in my broccoli". Oh, Lili! I thought, there is nothing in your food!

Umm, yeah, about that.

There were bugs. Many, many BUGS in her broccoli. They were dead bugs which is almost worse. They got "steamed" along with the broccoli. And, people, she had already eaten half of it at the point she had noticed something was awry!

They were small but, upon closer inspection, clearly had legs and exoskeletons. I ran in to Ivan, "I just fed our children bugs!"...we both "oh noooo-ed" to each other and made faces that expessed what we felt...that perhaps our nominations for the Nobel Parenting Prize might now be in jeopardy!

Okay Blogdom, I see it in your faces....you are grimacing wondering why in the h$ll AshPash is trying to add another innocent child to the family when she cannot even properly clean broccoli. I know, I know, it sounds bad. Honestly, I DID wash said green vegetable in a stream of hot water.

Well, last night we had broccoli again. Imagine the high point of my mothering career when both daughters in unison sang, "mom, can we have the broccoli without the bugs this time?"

GAHHH!! Nice.

Sadly, they both seemed to have lost their taste for steamed broccoli and will forever be scarred by The. Bugs.

Yep, I bet those embryos can't wait to be thawed and transferred into *MY* womb!

One week to go

Well, I have four estrogen patches slapped onto my abdomen. FOUR! People, I don't have a whole lot of real estate. You have to move them around and use different spots and with FOUR it's hard to find a new spot that is still in the area around the belly button...heck maybe these things can go right up under the boobs but I don't think so. Having so many at once is getting uncomfortable. I am having some mild skin irritation and a few spots there is actual injury to the skin...the areas are like abrasions and it's quite itchy and ouchy.

BTW, I wanted to share with Blogdom that you do NOT want the larger Vi*velle patches...YOU WANT THE DOTS. The larger ones FALL OFF if you dare to sweat at all. Well, you know, I love to spend the day in front of my D*ell sharing life with you. But the reality is that AshPash gets sweaty! The barn we spend time at with our horse is HOT and sweat quickly follows when it's 99 and 50% humidity.

Monday morning is the ultrasound. I am concerned that I am growing an egg or will ovulate. They underestimated my ovaries once before and it can't happen... I need to get this behind me. I need closure on this. The way I am talking it sounds like we will be done with IVF. On *this* side of an FET, I can't say for sure where I will be emotionally. But at this point, I am thinking we will be done. Don't get me wrong, I love this process but I am not sure my head can throw more money at it. We shall see. The transfer is set for Fri 9-14. Right now I am just hoping our embies thaw alive and am SO looking forward to my 48 hours of rest! Woohoo! An excuse to lie around and do nothing! :)

Dear chemical dept buyer at Wal*Mart

It was a really simple need I had. The purchase of a new toilet bowl scrubber was actually at the rock bottom of my shopping list. Despite the low position on The List, however, each time I went to scrub a porcelain bowl I would wish for a new bowl scrubber with a base that held the nasty thing out of sight (pretty pathetic that my wishes have dropped to this level, dontyathink?). Well, yesterday, while shopping at my local WM, I happened to look over and there they were...a selection of scrubbers with bases offered at varying prices. Without hesitation I pushed my overly full cart right on over and selected the most expensive scrubber set they had...it was even a "deluxe" model.

Just now, in the midst of a budding housecleaning jag (which is annoyingly being interrupted to post about this issue) I took the plastic off of my newest (and admittedly not terribly glamorous) purchase. Immediately I was pleased with my new scrubber/base combination! The base has a little door that sort of pops open to allow the release of the brush but then when you don't need it, it's out of sight.

Happy camper AshPash is. Err, was.

All was right with the world until. I. Tried. To. Remove. The. Label.

The. Effing. Label.

It's stuck to the outside of the base as if the machine that slaps on the stickers was filled with su*per glue. Do they think the damned label has to survive a nuclear blast? I spent two minutes tearing off pieces of label none of which were any larger than a raisin. Oh no, no, sticker Gods, I have been down this road before! I REFUSE to spend my time peeling off a label that will no doubt leave a horrendous sticky residue and will require any number of products to get it off. Good lord, Wal*Mart buyers, I could spend that time eating the Halloween candy I bought yesterday (much too early for actual trick-or-treaters but that WAS your plan, yes?) or reading IVF blogs or, I don't know, maybe cleaning the toilets I bought the scrubber for!!

So, now, not only do I NOT have a new scrubber, I will have to stand in line to return a toilet bowl scrubber (nice!).

C'mon big box retailers...put more thought into your packaging because a woman in the middle of an IVF cycle is not someone to mess with! Lucky for you I am only hopped up on estrogen patches right now and not on Lup*ron!

Let the FET cycle begin!

Well, after an excrutiating few days of PMS, I have been released and am happily enjoying CD2 with cramps and a fresh start.

We have a protocol which includes Vi*velle (estra*diol) dots, Doxy*clycline (antibiotic), Med*rol (a corti*costeroid which decreases inflammation), PIO. Would you all believe that I have missed the needles? Ivan is so good at giving the PIO shots that I am looking forward to my first one?

Ultrasound to check my lining is on Monday, Sept 10 with a planned transfer on Friday, Sept 14.

The anxiety-producing aspect of this is that we only have two embryos to thaw and what if they did not survive the freeze? I am already wondering if I will be willing to walk away and say "we tried" or will I be drawn back in for another fresh cycle? I know my heart would be ready for another cycle but that head, it will surely get in the way.

Just as I was typing this, an email arrived from RENurse. Attached were consent forms that we need to sign. In part one of them reads, "we Ivan and Ashpash confirm that we are the biologic parents of these embryos..." Beautiful, humbling, heartbreaking words.

Yowza, reading the language gets my leg to tapping..."embryos"..."implantation..."pregnant"...."baby". I love this process. It's painful and expensive and heartbreaking but I love it. For the first time in my life I have some level of control over this whole procreation thing. It feels good.

Lately, Lilli (our youngest), has been saying she wants a baby sister..or brother. She doesn't care which, she just wants a sibling. Oh, honey, mamma wants a sibling for you, too! :)

Hang on our two 4-celled "goods", we are coming!


*Update*
I was asked by Chas at sugarandice if I really like the PIO's. And Samantha at Southern Infertility just came right out and said she doesn't believe me! :)

Well, no, I don't physically enjoy the several inches long metal needle piercing my flesh. Not so much. You've got me there girls! It's the routine of it all that I love. The empowerment of telling endo to take a flying leap while allowing nature to circumvent that awful stuff and attempt to "do it's thing". That is what I like about the PIO's...what the represent despite their pain and resulting bruises.

An egg and my friends the birds

This is my first cycle after the early miscarriage and also without any meds. This is our "rest" before the FET in September (strangly I am missing the shots...seriously missing the schedule of it all...the power it brings). My cycle this month dragged on and on until I finally got an "egg" on my monitor this morning. I can tell I have been growing an egg b/c my left ovary has been tender. Everyone should have one of these handy dandy devices! Honestly, where was this thing eleven years ago? It really is true that women should be more in tune with their fertility and their bodies. Way back when I would have NEVER dreamed that I ovulated this late on any given month. Perhaps this late LH surge is due to my poor body being out-of-whack with the miscarriage and all of those darned drugs prior to. However, it would have been interesting a decade ago to have a monitor to track my cycle each month. Yes, I know about BBT and it's not for me. This is less trustworthy perhaps but it suits me better. I beamed this morning when I saw the egg image on my monitor. Silly huh? :)

About the birds.

You see, every Spring and Summer for three years barn swal*lows have built lovely little nests of mud on the interior wall of our porch. The first year it was with awe that we stood in our foyer, peering up through the window above the front door. The mommy and daddy bird darted in and out of our porch, adding their contribution to the nest that would eventually serve as home to their precious little eggs and, if they were lucky, successfully hatched babies. Our family of four oohed and ahhed when we saw that there were six hatchlings who had joined the world, their yellowish thin beaks peaking over the edge of the dirt and spit home. The parent birds made constant trips to keep up with the ravenous eating habits of these little creatures whose needs were constant. One morning, we awoke to find a dead hatchling on the porch, a casualty of it's ever-growing siblings over-filling the smallish nest. Two, three, four...the hatchlings fell out of the nest day after day and onto the porch only to be left to die if they had even survived the fall. Our hearts broke each time another baby made it's way out of the nest and each time we wondered if the parents felt a loss or was this just status quo to them as they persevered to tend to those who were left. Within a week of breaking out of their creamy spotted shells, that first group of hatchlings had been whittled down to one healthy little guy left. He stood confidently on the edge of the nest, feathers starting to poof and grow. The parents perched on the window across from him and kept him company as he grew. One day, I went to check the nest and it was quiet. No parents and no baby. He had flown away to start his own life. Out of six hatchlings, one had survived...odds that don't sound so good to me.

The funny thing is, those birds come back every Spring to tidy the nest or even re-build parts of it. This year the couple tore the old nest apart and re-built the entire thing, leaving their demolition and reconstruction debris scattered all over our porch. Every year, though, the couple loses most of their hatchlings with only one, if any, surviving. Despite the odds they return. And we humans? At the end of every summer we say we are going to tear down the nest or put up a plastic owl because, quite honestly, we can't stand to see another baby bird fall and die on our porch. But, you know what Blodgom? Every Spring, when momma and daddy barn swallow come around, we leave them to their business, we watch again in awe as the nest is readied yet again and we check each day, waiting for thin little beaks to once again peak over. And each time we have hope that *these* hatchlings will all make it, this time it will be okay. So far we have yet to knock down a nest or buy a plastic bird of prey to scare them off. What is it that keeps them coming back year after year when one or none survive? Why it is each Spring we await the hatchlings knowing most won't make it?

This morning, when I found the second hatchling of the season on the porch even though Ivan had lovingly put it back in the nest just last night, I wondered why we do this over and over every year.

And then I looked up at the one healthy bird left and I remembered why.

As we move towards our FET, I feel a little like those barn swallows...working feverishly to host and care for new life, hoping for the best and moving on through the disappointments to start anew.

Bring on the calories...IVF just might kill me!

One of the affects of IVF that no one ever told me about was the fact that the pounds just fly off! When I started this little venture, I was at 129-130 pounds on any given day. It took YEARS to put on that weight. Go ahead and throw your cyber rotten eggs but let me say that being thin and wanting to GAIN weight is just as hard as trying to lose weight. I just look at food and can burn calories. Here I am at the end of our first full IVF cycle and I am down to 124. People, this is tragic! I have so enjoyed my new curves...yes, my thighs are "for Ivan's eyes only" these days but I like them nonetheless. The emotional ups and downs of this whole thing have made my appetite "off" and when I do eat, it's not the usual quantities (gals, I can out-eat a professional foot*ball play*er when I am not under IVF stress).

Wanting my precious pounds back, I have been eating everything in sight today. I just downed a glass of Car*nation In*stant Break*fast...full of calories! Tomorrow I will probably invest in some En*sure drinks to add extra calories each day. Of course, I need to attend Jaz*zercise (for my heart and to relieve stress) but don't dare do all of the aerobic activity burning the few calories I am taking in each day.

Has anyone else had this happen? My gosh, if we did several cycles I would waste away to nothing! Not only will our love of actually having money in savings prevent mutiple cycles, it will also save my hard-earned curves! Most teenagers these days have the curves I didn't see until age 36 and even now most women wouldn't agree that I have curves at all!

Bring on the chocolate shakes!

My Friend Jack

High School Reunions are always more fun when you bring along a good friend.

Pash needed the night of 80's dancing and memory lane laughs b/c it's been a bad month. There were people at my reunion who are grandparents for Pete's sake. Grandparents? Ha! And we have two embryos on ice!

Cycle Day 1

One week later, I am finally starting my period today.

We will do the FET with the next cycle so that will put a transfer in early September. My girls will be back in school by then. Hopefully there will not be any illness going around that early.

Hormone hell and FET stories needed!

No period yet. Just living here in hormone hell waiting and waiting. So far I have been mostly "numb" and hoping CD 1 will help with my emotional state. How do women lose pregnancies at 8, 12, 20 weeks? HOW IN THE HELL do they do it? My heart and utmost respect goes out to those women. It's not like we IFers just "go at it" again next month. We invest weeks and months into one cycle, not to mention the damn plethora of needles...oh, and let's not forget the cold hard cash. That's not to say that fertiles are any less saddened by a mc but I do think the road to recovery, so to speak, is a shorter one. They can get right back on track within a few months and have the relative sense of peace that it will work eventually.

Me? I sit here with all of my hopes on two frozen embryos. They were the slowest growing of the five and rated as "good". Just nice solid embryos, nothing stellar about them but no real issues, either. I like "average", it's safe and comforting. I have read so many stories where the stragglers of the bunch ended up making a baby...one that stuck around. I am comforted by those stories and think fondly of our two 4-celled "goods" just waiting to be thawed so they can show the world what potential they have!

If you have or know of a heartwarming FET story, please post it! I need to be reminded that those FET's do result in babies sometimes. What's amazing is that they usually transfer the "best" embies in a fresh cycle and the "rest" are frozen. As any embryologist will admit, they honestly cannot tell which embies are the best based on "looking" at them. The slower growing less pretty embryos really get a bad wrap!

Let's hear it for all the underestimated "average" embryos out there!

Ka*ma Sut*ra Anyone?

First things first...thank you for your expressions of friendship after learning about our early loss. It's really comforting having fellow stirrup queens share in this journey. Only you guys *really* "get it".

Last night, in the depth of my numbness, I mustered up the wherewithal to take my Goose to a Har*ry Pot*ter party at Bor*ders. It was a night we had been looking forward to for months. While I really wanted to climb into bed with a pitcher of bellini's and not come out for a week, I had to step up to the mommy plate for my gal.


The store was abuzz with little Har*rys and Hermi*ones and treasure hunts and spelling bees and Quid*ditch tryouts. Goose took part in some of the activities and we visited the coffee shop for some treats. We moved on over to the kid's books and most unfortunately the pregnancy books were right smack dab next to the children's book section. I could not believe the luck. Ugh.


Goose found a book and was soon lost in the story, unaware of the mug*gle spelling bee going on right next to us. Mommy was going downhill fast but I realized it would be cruel to pull her out of her new-found world buried in the pages of that book and it seemed a shame to buy it since she was already half-way through. (Goose is a speed reader...she obtained the new H*P book at 10 AM this morning and even after swimming with friends this afternoon finished the book by 6PM). So that she could finish the book (and I could then spend the money on pee sticks for our FET in a few months), I decided to browse and she just walked with me, cruising through the book. We found ourselves near the "gift" area...there are cards and diaries and journals and photo albums....you know that area of bookstores. She settled herself at a shelf and propped her book up while I smelled candles and lotions. I moved my way down the shelf she was temporatily staking out and found, with great shock, she was right in the middle of ka*ma sut*ra and other various se*x books. Thankfully she was lost in her story and never even noticed the enlightening books within her reach. I was laughing to myself and snapped a photo.


There was my little Her*mione enjoying her age-appropriate book with every se*x position known to man (and woman) at her fingertips. Ignorance is bliss, yes?

Chemical - Early Miscarriage

Beta #2: 48.

I had a feeling the number today was not going to be good.


Update:
The RE Nurse finally called (I got the results from my local GYN office three hours ago). We stop the PIO, they did not mention any more blood tests. My period will start (hopefully soon) and then in September we can do an FET with estrogen patches and PIO's after the next period starts.

The nurse did indicate that it's a good sign that implantation occurred. The big limitation here is that we only have two frozen 3-day embryos to transfer. They might not even survive thawing.

Holy Mary....we have a bun in the oven

The. RE. Finally. Called.

Beta: 60

We are pregnant.

I was hesitant about that number but the nurse said anything over 50 is good. She has seen "38" turn out to be twins and said our number is a good singleton or twin number.

My next lab is Friday morning and they want to see it go over 100. Those people had better call me before 3:30 CST Friday! Afternoons as of late are NOT my best time and another wait like today's might just put me over the edge.

Symptoms:

* Upset stomach after eating or just in general at times. (CD 23)
* Minor shooting pains around uterus. (CD 27)
* Shooting pains in breasts, off and on. (CD 28)
* Much larger breasts (CD 23), average tenderness. Due to BCP's mine have always been tender.
* Very tired. I can't walk across the room sometimes. Napping daily.
* Short of breath.
* Off and on headaches. I get headaches A LOT but these are different. (CD 23)
* ZERO implantation spotting. I am not a "spot" kinda gal, never, ever spot between cycles.
* Kinda "crampy". Not hard core menstrual cramps. Just "crampy" feeling.
* Extreme thirst (CD 27)

The "thirst" thing is what sold me that this might be "it". I met my friend "in the know" Monday morning for breakfast at Pan*era. Within one hour of eating, I was SICK from the food. No vomiting, just soury icky stomach with a "vomity" kind of gag feeling at the back of my throat. Along with this was EXTREME thirst and it has not gone away. And I don't want anything but water. Son*ic Che*rry Lime*ade and decaf sweet tea are my favorite drinks and they do not sound good at all. Water is all that I crave.

My new mantra...please don't be chemical....please don't chemical.....please don't be chemical....

Holy hell...what have I done?

Blogdom: I feel physically ill. Headache. Nausea. My usual "hand full" boobs are spilling over the hand. I caved. I had to know.

At 3PM CST I peed on a stick.

But here's the catch. I used brand X but followed the directions for brand Y...there were leftovers of one brand mixed in with others and I did not realize it! I was looking for a + but the result window showed an up and down line. I was freaking out...what the heck? Then I realized that the key as indicated on the cap of the stick showed for "pregnant" a faint up/down line with a strong up/down line (which is the control) and "not pregnant" is a totally blank square box and then the up/down control. PLUS....I was reading the directions that said look after two mins but the test I used (I noticed later) said to look after THREE mins. So for an entire effing minute I thought IVF didn't work! And then it appeared! Finally I saw the corret "key" for the test I was taking. Talk about going from in the dumps to sheer (reserved) joy! The line is there but it's really, really light!

Women of the Inter*net, help me!!! Would the trigger still show up two weeks later?

Aren't I seeing a line? It's really, really faint but it's there!

Update. Took another test.

Tomorrow

Weds at 8:30 my favorite phlebotomist will draw blood from my stellar right arm vein. Hopefully by 2 or 3 I will hear back from the nurse. REnurse whom I love is on vacation.

Friends, I have never had "the call". My results have always ended with a period. I really, really don't want to get the call. If they could call Ivan instead I would have them call him. But he will be at work and that's not the best place to find out. I told him not to call me b/c I don't want to tell him either way while he is at work.

This morning's PIO was hell. I was standing and was "relaxing" my hip in preparation for the injection. Because I was off-kilter, Ivan's measuring was off. The injection went way too high...it hit in the area where your buttocks thin out and turn into lower back. It hurt...HURT! During and after. My leg has been aching all day. I stood there afterward and everything was going dark and I was losing my hearing. I exclaimed, "I'm going to pass out!" and rushed to the bed. I have been light-headed all day. So, that was one more kick to the stomach after an already long journey. I mean not just this IVF but the journey getting here...we took a break to raise two beautiful, smart daughters along the way...but this journey has been twelve years in the making for us.

Well, if the result is negative, I won't be crushed...disappointed, really disappointed...but not crushed. It would be like traveling across Europe to your favorite theme park only to find it was closed for renovations when you finally got there! You walk away from the padlocked gate with your health and your wonderful family but you sure were looking forward to that monster roller coaster beyond the locked entrance!

Me and my half-eaten bun are hoping to climb on board the roller coaster tomorrow.

The falling bun from the sky

So this morning was day 2 of the 2-day horse show. That meant that I was up, yet again, at 4:45AM. Ashpash was not pleasant this morning and was on the verge of tears b/c I felt too good...I want to be barfing my guts out people! I want the smell of horse manure to send me running for a muck bucket! As you can see from my previous posts, there are no real symptoms and it's weighing on me. I am so sick of reading message board posts of women who claim to have symptoms three days after ovulation. It just is not realistic to have actual pregnancy symptoms that early. These "traditional" symptoms could be caused by ANYTHING, not just pregnancy. It causes more anxiety for the rest of us, damn it, so stop!

The other issue here with this symptom stuff is that I won't feel "crampy" due to my period b/c I am artificially maintaining this cycle with the PIO's. There is no corpus luteum that will die out, ending progesterone production resulting in that "crampy feeling".

No, I will be fooled to the bitter end.

About the bun. My friend who has twins as the result of one IVF cycle shared with me her rabbit story. The day of her beta test she had a rabbit bolt out in front of her as she walked in to the hospital lab for the test. She thought it was a "sign" and even though she felt those familiar cramps on the drive home, was uplifted by her rabbit...and she was pregnant with twins. Well, I had my own "rabbit" experience this morning.

Goose and I pulled through the drive-thru of the only open food establishment at 5:55 this morning (McD's....argh!) to get something to eat however disgustingly unhealthy it may be. Nothing on the menu sounded even remotely good except for a filet of fish. Why is it that you can't get a filet of fish at 6AM? There are people like me who can eat anything for breakfast and that's what sounded good. So, while I was in line waiting for Goose's pancakes and my ((ahem)) ICE WATER, something plopped onto my windshied. Startled, I exclaimed, "what the hell?" Upon close inspection through the windshield I saw that is was a partially eaten hamburger bun. Instantly I started looking for prankster teenagers who were obviously throwing food at me...attacking this pathetic pin cushion of a woman...beating her while she is down. Except, come on, what teens would be out at 6AM on a Sunday morning? Once I got over my victim mentality, I realized that a bird had found the bun in the parking lot and was flying over with his prize when the sheer weight and girth was too much for his bird mouth. So, on a morning when I was feeling pretty low and hopeless and assuming this IVF failed, I get a bun dropped from the heavens.

Perhaps a sign about a "bun in the oven?"

Yeah, okay, it's reaching. And maybe the bun wasn't the perfect out-of-the-oven bun you are envisioning. It was hard and had been in someone's mouth and, had I investigated further, it would have no doubt had some leftover ketchup or mustard smeared on it. Not exactly the stuff fairy tales are made of but we will take any "bun in the oven" story we can get. And really, rabbits run around all over the place but how often does a bird drop a bun dead center on your windshield?

I am claiming my bun story, ketchup and all, and will hold it close to my heart until Wednesday's blood test.

And if the test comes back negative I am deleting this post! :)

Relatively symptomless

Quick symptoms post.

Cycle day 25 ~ 11 days post "ovulation" ~ 8dp3dt

1. Larger, tender breasts.

2. Lots of peeing at night.

3. Sour stomach in the afternoons along with voracious appetite.

4. Headaches.

That's not much. These are all symptoms of progesterone. I don't know about the sour stomach thing but I know progesterone messes with digestion. Folks, there just are not any symptoms bowling me over. I am SICK TO DEATH of this process and want the whole thing behind me. It really consumes your life. My bad attitude could be the tired mommy talking. We spent FOURTEEN hours at a horse show today and I need sleep.

If I had to guess I would say I am not pregnant b/c these symptoms are nothing special.

Distractions

Today is 5dp3dt - Cycle day 22 - 8 days post "ovulation".

There are no "symptoms" except for sore boobs and a sour stomach. But, I am pretty sure the boobs have been sore all along and the sour stomach is probably from the movie popcorn.

Thank heavens for distractions....

Today we saw the first showing of Har*y Pot*ter #5. IT ROCKED! As usual, they left out so much from the book which is a disappointment. Nonetheless we loved what was represented on the screen. Can't wait for book # 7 next weekend! Goose wants me to read it first but it will take me a month and her about three hours. She will never be able to hold out. It's like a box of pee sticks to a stirrup queen on CD 28...too tempting.

Lilli, Goose and I are leaving tomorrow morning early to attend China Culture Camp and then Saturday morning is the start of a two-day horse show where Goose will show on her pony.

I have been dreading the hectic weekend but it's better than obsessing about this cycle. While I am so excited about the outcome I am starting to resent the stress this whole ridiculous process causes. It really does start to feel like nonsense. And I still want it to work.

Egads...stay in the upper, outer quandrant!

So it turns out you can injure your sciatic nerve with PIO shots! The photo shows the "safe" area. The nurse showed Ivan how to find the safe spot...something about the hand and the thumb being placed on the back of the pelvic bone. He is a pro at it it but I still emailed this photo to him as a gentle reminder! Go here to read more.

UPDATE:

PIO's are are much more bearable if you stand. I learned this when a doctor at China Camp (fellow China Mom) did my shot for me b/c Ivan could not be there. She told me afterward that PIO's are often less painful if you stand with you toes pointed slightly inward which could also be implemented if you prefer to lie down.

Misc ramblings....and to think I have nine more days until we test

Let's start off by sharing that the PIO injections SUCK BIG HORSE TURDS! Honestly, I am starting to cry when Ivan gives them now. Not loud crazy woman screams, just pitiful little sobs into my pillow. My arse hurts and badly! It's not just the physical pain of it...it's the emotional out-there-ness of it...with each shot I am exposing my heart that much more to potential disappointment. I used ice this morning to physically numb the spot and the effing ice was worse than the three inch needle! Holy moly, there must be a lot of nerve endings back there. My Ivan...he is so diligent "1, 2, 3...in....okay no blood....here were go...almost done....almost there....okay, done!" and then he massages my bum. Such. A. Sweet. Boy.

On to bladder issues....I awoke last night with a bladder so completely full that I felt like a beach ball was sticking from my abdomen. I felt like I may not make it to the loo b/c I could not balance enough to get there! How freaking large can our bladders get? It was crowding everything else out based on how icky I felt upon waking. My insides felt bruised this morning which is also what leads to the pillow sobbing...I lie on my tummy for the shot and in the mornings everything is sore from the Olympic bladder filling activities from the night before.

And while we are talking about bladders...what is up with the way the progesterone makes urine smell? I guess I have never had progesterone of this "quality" surging through my body...certainly not via IM's. The IUI's all those years ago were accompanied by progesterone in pill form if memory serves me. Very strange pee!

Now, about those mysterious embryos. I wish those buggers had little tracking devices, much like geese, so that we could keep track of their mortality and movement... "blast 1 is on the move"; "embryo 2 stopped dividing on day 4"; "embryo 3 just implanted!" Now wouldn't THAT be cool? And wouldn't it make for more sane stirrup queens the world over?

Calling my embryos

Announcement:

My ute is now open for business. We had a lengthy construction phase and had to hire some new contractors along the way. The plumbing now seems to be working and the decorators did a lovely job creating a warm and inviting place to settle in for a nice long stay. This is not a boarding house for freeloaders so there are a few rules....(1) no extended morning sickness, (2) no saggy boobs, (3) no hemorrhoids. Otherwise, you can stay up as late as you want, play any music you like and there are three free meals per day as well as unlimited snacks.

Please inquire within.

Den of doom (AKA "My Uterus")

Hi there Blogdom! Back aching from all of this bedrest! Also, I am retaining water and my entire abdomen feels like it's drowning. The progesterone shots must really cause bloating and the ovaries are kinda full, too.

Ivan is an absolute nazi about this bedrest thing! I have to "sneak" activities in. I could see dust on my dresser from where I am and had to do some undercover dusting...then he found the dusting spray so I was caught!

I plan to be here all day. Goose just left for the barn to ride with friends and Lilli will most likely play outside if anyone is around. I told Ivan I could feel the stress coming on due to the floors needing to be vacuumed...ack! :O (Hint, hint....please plug that Hoover in!)

Hen-Ben has been in bed with me since yesterday afternoon. He takes pee breaks and then is right back here with me. He slept between us all night. Not even sure he is eating. What a loyal little buddy. :)

Ivan just left for Panera to get me a mango smoothie and a souffle! I LOVE this pampering! It rocks!

My day will be spent reading doom and gloom reports about why this won't work. I MEAN I plan to read uplifting, positive stories about IVF lottery winners and gush at photos of their huge bellies. Whateva. When my back can't take this ridicuous semi-upright position any longer I will lie back and meditate with my iPod and the Enya CD I downloaded just for this very day. It's beautiful music that you get lost in.

As humbled as I feel to have our dividing DNA in my uterus, I can't help but think the embryos really should be back in their lovely dishes basking in their glucose soup. They seemed happy there. Now they are in my violent uterus with God only knows what kind of weird endometriosis chemical reactions going on. Between us....this ain't gonna work HOWEVER I am staying relatively positive for Ivan's sake. It's so simple for him....embryos + uterus = pregnancy. Sweet boy.

Well, my man servant darling husband should be here any minute with my breakfast.

Three embryos are in da house!

Hopefully our three wonders are enjoying their new digs! There is an 11mm lush endometrium just waiting to show them a good time!

9:30 AM acupuncture #1
11 AM transfer appt
12:30 PM acupuncture #2

Transferred today (day 3) were:

(2) 8-cell embryos (excellent and good respectively)
(1) 5-cell embryo (good-excellent)

Update: I should have added that all of our embryos were completely free of fragmentation!

The transfer went well although my stenotic cervix offered a small challenge. The RE did a test transfer to break through the cervix, cleaned off the cervix and did the "loaded" catheter with our little beauties. I am on strict 48-hour bedrest, no shower or bath for 48 hours ( I assume b/c of hot water?).

Of course, now I am obsessing because I read that there are lower success rates when a stenotic cervix is factored into the mix.

(2) 4-cell embryos of "good" quality were frozen so we have a back-up FET for later if this goes bust.

I am feeling bloated and a little crampy. Ivan is waiting on me hand and foot as I lie here in bed with my laptop. It's gonna be a good weekend! :)

Anyone with stenotic cervix stories for me?

Four "good" embryos await their womb

As of this morning we still have four and they are rated as "good". RE uses a rating system of excellent, good, fair, poor. These ovaries have seen 38 years and endometriomas three times their size. We will take "good".

Ivan and I leave tonight for the three hour trip south. I have an acupuncture appt at 9:30 tomorrow morning, 11 AM appt for the transfer and then a 1PM appt for a follow-up acupuncture treatment. This will be a 3-day transfer with what we hope are 6 to 8 celled embryos by tomorrow. Based on the lab report tomorrow morning, we will transfer three or MAYBE four if they have taken a bad turn. I say why bother to freeze one? But, I also know that my uterus cannot hold three or four fetuses! We will worry about that tomorrow. My mindset is that this isn't gonna work any way so why give it much thought! Great attitude, huh? Can you say defense mechanism?

Today has been very emotional. I have cried at least twice. Just so much going on....waiting on the updated fertilization report, making plans for the trip, worrying already that this won't work...oh, and the large doses of progesterone are NOT helping! It's not like I am yearning to be a mom (I remember THAT feeling and it sucked)...I AM a mom. Life is good. It's the potential failure of this journey. This whole process just sucks you in and takes over your life and it all may end with a phone call and a period three days later. Not a good ending.

The other reason I think I am emotional (besides the d@mn progesterone) is the fact that I want my embryos with me and out of a petri dish. They are only a few basic cells....the cells have not even differentiated yet but I feel drawn to them. Is this crazy talk?

I asked REnurse if I could get photos of the embryos. They only do VHS tapes! Holy moly! Our VCR broke three years ago and was not replaced! Let's hope their lab techniques are not quite as antiquated! :O (I am taking an old tape that has episodes of The Practice recorded on it just in case this leads to something and I want the pics later.)

Let the transferring and embryo burrowing begin.

Update: The morning of the transfer, REnurse called us at our hotel to say that she had good news...we had another embryo! That makes five embryos...three to transfer and two to freeze.

Fert Results

Okay. I am not terribly encouraged.

14 eggs retrieved yesterday
of those there were:

5 mature eggs
6 immature eggs
3 post-mature eggs
of those:

8 fertilized
and, of those:

4 fertilized "normally"
Update: By retreival day, the fifth egg had caught up with everyone. That means of five mature eggs retrieved, they all fertilized....100%!

The RE on call said that the other four could "catch up" with their fertilization. If they don't catch up, we only have the chance of four "usable" embryos. And, when they only have four to five, they like to do a three day transfer. NO, NO, NO! I don't want a 3-day transfer! 5-day blastocyst transfers have a much higher pregnancy rate. I don't want to put something in that is destined to "arrest" by day 5 any way! An embryo is not supposed to be in the uterus on day 3...it's supposed to be meandering through the fallopian tubes. I guess my body is better than a petri dish but, oh, the 2WW only to have them arrest two days in. I can't even think of it.

So. Again, we wait.

The really good news would be that the other four "caught up" and we have eight embryos tomorrow. He said they would call by 11AM or so.

That's the update.

If anyone can share good news about three-day transfers, please let me know.

First IM and the wait

And so we wait. I feel like I did when I was waiting on our China referral. This time we are waiting for our fertliziation report. Of course, nothing compares to the 2WW but we are not even close to that yet...we need to have some embies to call our own first!

To pass the time, I have been in bed with my laptop studying grades of embryos, stats, etc.. For the # of eggs they got, I am in the higher stats for taking home a baby (in my age group). However, we don't know how receptive to being fertilized my eggs are! If they are as stubborn as I am then we are in trouble. :)

I am feeling quite sore today...bloated...gassy. It's not horrible pain, just uncomfortable. I thought I would feel better than this. Ivan did his first IM injection on my bum this morning and was he ever GREAT at it! It stung but was not unbearable at all. It most likely hurts more than it normally would just because it takes so long for that oil to be dispensed.

Something funny from retrieval day...well, there were several things....Ivan and I laughed our tails off about a lot of things...we were just jokey on the whole trip down. But, one thing I really laughed about as I laid there in my provided sockies, hair cap and gown was that my nurse anesthesist was named ART! I doubt anyone was around to read one of my early posts about ART but I thought this was just too funny and hopefully a good sign.

Just days before our retrieval I also had first-hand stories from people with their IVF success. You may recall that the Gyn who did my ultrasound is now the mother of two children after one IVF cycle. Also, my stylist (whom has been doing my hair since I was 13) had photos on her stand of her 41 year old sister holding newborn twins! IVF! Gotta love those success stories!

Fertilization report any time now! Will post what I find out.

Petri Dish

Well my gals and his guys are all having a little "get to know you" fest this evening! The egg retrieval was this morning and we each left our little dna contributions at the RE's office hoping they will do wonderful things by morning! There were 14 eggs retrieved. I slept all day...wow, how time flies when you are given sedatives! Lots of bloating, sensations to pee. RE Nurse said that will get worse on day 3 but she does not expect OHSS. Everyone was very nice, thorough, professional today.

The fertilization report will be called in by Noon tomorrow, July 4. Can't wait!

You've got an Easter basket in there girl!

That would be the comment from the female Gyn at Dr. Smile's office who did my transvag today...she had just moved to my left ovary and was pleased with what she saw. I really like her! Immediately upon entering the room she told me about how she did a full cycle IVF and became pregnant with her son on try #1 and then they did three FET's and her daughter was born from the final transfer! It was a nice story on a scary day. Comforting. Familiar. It calmed me tremendously to have not only a woman but a woman "in my shoes" doing the transvag today.

Here are the numbers:

Estradiol day nine: 1945!!!
Right ovary: 7 follicles, 6 nice and ripe, one rather small
Left ovary: 10 follicles, all nice and ripe

We are READY TO TRIGGER TONIGHT! I cried on the way home from the visit. Tears of relief that I made it this far. Tears of hopefulness that we are so close to possibly achieving a pregnancy and tears of fear for the emotional pain I am setting myself up for. This is a process that has been twelve years in the making and now, two glorious adoptions later, it finally feels "right".

Ovi*drel at 10PM!

Keep on truckin'

"East bound and down, load it up and truck it. We gonna do what they say can't be done".

Yep, I am feeling very Smo*key and The Ban*dit today. It could be the increased estrogen that my gray matter is bathing in. My E2 numbers went from a mere 160 earlier in the week to 605 today (day 7). My ovaries are LOADED and we are ready to truck it on down (we are actually going to be SOUTH bound) to the RE to get those lovely eggs sucked out. However, Ivan may have to load me into the back of his truck tied onto a pallet b/c my bending at the waist days are almost over....can you say "ouch!"?. More meds....oh good lord....can it be possible? I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable and it kinda makes me gag...the whole thirteen-eggs-maturing-when-there-should-be-only-ONE concept. I am to stay on the Gon*al-F until Sunday AM. The new pen arrived today to the tune of $600 via Fed*Ex.

Have I ever mentioned how much I adore Fed*Ex? From just a business perspective, I find them to be truly remarkable, dependable, smart business plan, etc.. From a motherhood standpoint, they make my heart go pitter patter. Not only have all of these egg growing meds arrived via my favorite white truck but our China referral arrived from that same spiffy truck seven years ago this month. Nice company, that Fed*Ex.

Ultrasound and bloodwork Sunday morning and then I hope - I pray - we get a date for a retrieval.

Speaking of retrieval, oh blogdom, I feel something dramatic coming on. At some point with this retrieval I will have an "episode" of some kind involving the loss of one or more of my faculties...perhaps the loss of blood pressure (ie hello floor!) or even the loss of my dinner from the night before. I am the girl who once passed out on her sick dog at the vet. I woke up hanging in the air. The vet held me by my ankles to get blood back to the brain. Yes, suffice it to say that these situations are not where I shine. RE had better be offering me something "yummy" in the form of a controlled substance fed directly into my bloodstream that morning. Ya know, to make up for that cold speculum a few months ago.

I am perusing your blogs looking for stats....if they counted 13 follies today...is that it? Are there surprise follicles at retrieval that cannot be seen on the ultrasound? Based on my age (38!), is 13 good? I am reading about some people with
29 effing eggs. Geez!

Update - Okay, I am reading your blogs about this follicle thing b/c quite honestly I am obsessing a bit. The follicles they counted today were of substance...these were the bigger ones...not every little teeny tiny follicle. That makes me feel better. Some of you have had 30-40-50 but that included every egg that even attempted to show itself. I am anxious to see what Sunday's ultrasound shows. But, I need to admit that today I almost told Not-My-Gyn to pull that d@mn wand out in the middle of the scan. It was in there too long and I already have all of that pressure and ack....the repeated reading aloud of the sizes of this follicle and that. Gross I tell you. The endo has made me pelvis shy...I don't like extracurricular anything going on there that does not involve Ivan.

Fortunes

Here are my last two "fortunes" as told by the fortune cookies at two recent Chinese meals (and just for the record, fortune cookies are not a tradition in China...this is an American thing).

Fortune #1: Do not give up; the beginning is always the hardest. Chinese word translation word on back: "boy".

Fortune #2: (from memory b/c I left the d@mn thing on the table) You will soon see the results of your long-awaited project. Chinese word translation on the back: "he".

Ivan's translation words on the back were always something goofy like "cabbage" or "window". Mine were both gender-related and both male.

Blog amongst yourselves.

Shooting up in public?

So Sunday night Ivan and I went to dinner and a movie while Goose and Lili were at a slumber party. My meds were due to be injected at 7PM so out comes the cooler and an ice pack. After dinner, I added the box of leftovers to the cooler along with my Go*nal-F pen and a syringe with 10u of Lup*ron. We drove down the street to the theater and searched for an out-of-the-way spot...a space where I could actually pull my pants down to inject! I could have used the bathroom in the theater but I all I could think of was dropping my precious Go*nal-F in the nasty floor...then what? Egads! It occurred to me that mall security could have pulled up while I sat there in my underwear, pants to my knees. Is it against the law to shoot up in public? I suppose it depends on what you are injecting.

Has anyone else in injected in public?

So far, so good

Okay. Labs today looked good. Estradiol is in the 160's which is just where they want me! We will continue with Lup*ron 1ou and Gon*al-F 225u until Friday morning when I will have ultrasound and lab. The Friday visit is the one where we hit a snafu in April....that is when the rogue follicle was found and the lab indicated ovulation had occurred. Pooh-pooh-pooh! This time around we are planning on seeing two ovaries filled with lots of similar-sized follicles. If things look good Friday I will have a Sunday visit and then the retrieval will be on Tues, Weds or Thurs.

Stimming again!

The ultrasound and bloodwork Friday looked good. Estradial at 3o-something and the cyst was collapsed. We started Gon*al-F on Saturday morning for AM/PM doses and will continue with the Lup*ron, 10u once per day. My next bloodwork is set for Tuesday morning. Oh geez, I want to be excited but am very cautious because I know another rogue follicle could grow and lutenize all of my other eggs. This is not supposed to happen on on Lup*ron!

If we actually get to proceed this time, that puts our retrieval right around July 4.

Sorry these posts are so factual with no extra commentary. In my "real life", I am quite full of things to say but it seems when I come here, I just spit out the facts and "post". Maybe it's because I am not really "me" here.

Hopefully positive news on Tuesday.

The dam has broken

Not only was her arrival met with joy....a few whoops and hollers went out as well! She arrived today in all of her crampy glory. Ain't life grand!

Monday was the lowest of the low. Not only had PMS been grinding away at my sanity for ten days but I also found out that I had to make enough Jell-O for 180 children (4th grade) by Weds. That was it. My battered soul could take no more. The end-of-school-year activities and no period had taken their toll. The tears flowed. My dear Ivan was helpful and supportive as always and on Tuesday I was truly a different person. I could tell the hormonal shift had occurred. That nasty cyst had lost it's battle with my uterus. Sure enough, this morning the familiar "this is it" cramps arrived and the party started! Woo hoo!

Ultrasound Friday AM to see how things look. I am cautiously optimistic.

About to throw in the towel

Not sure I can do this much longer. Once again, I have a huge cyst on my ovary. When the Lup*ron is first administered, it sends a big push of FSH to the ovaries and then the pituitary is depleted, putting our ovaries into a temporary menopausal state. My ovaries really react to that "push" and a follicle develops which ends up producing estrogen. My period still has not started (thanks to the estrogen-producing cyst) even though I have had, at times, cramps that take my breath away. The "PMS" has been really bad. My RE wants me to drive 3.5 hours to his office and have the cyst aspirated. This is something I would have to do alone as Ivan just got home from a trip and prefers not to miss work. Usually a woman is mildly sedated. I cannot be if I have to drive. The PMS is really affecting my psyche and I want to just give up!

Not sure what I am going to do.

Geez, how do women go through cycle after cycle....I can't even complete one without issues.

Hormone Limbo H$ll

For Pete's sake....spare me this hellish limbo! I stopped the pill last week...no period. The Lup*ron continues (I am quite the sub-q pro these days). The crampy-looming-period achiness continues. The headaches continue. The extreme tiredness continues. I want my estrogen back! I want the BCP pills back! Tomorrow had better be the day or I will seriously lose what is left of my temporaily-in-menopause brain! I despise the days that precede a period....although I am confident that my Ivan despises them more.

Come on hormone gods, cut me some slack!

Easy does it

Well, Ivan is out of town and the nightly injections continue. I usually have to sit there a few minutes before I can gather the courage to do each injection. It doesn't even hurt! It's just getting past the idea of sticking a NEEDLE in my thigh! How many of you do the belly injections? That is just too...something...not quite enough flesh there...what If I hit a major organ or something (I know, I know...not really)...the skin there feels more sensitive I guess. I enjoy using the lovely thigh flab that I have acquired the last few years....more cushion and no organ piercing opportunities.

No period in sight. I took my last BCP on Thursday night and nothing. Sigh. Hope that shows up soon so I can feel like we are proceeding. I have been known to go two weeks before a period after stopping the pill...ack, that would mess things up.

Ya know, I don't even think about the results of this process. Right now, I am just getting through each day...one injection at at time. Because the last cycle was cancelled after I ovulated on Lup*ron (what the h$ll!!), I am now assuming something else will be off-kilter.

Crisis Averted

I called the Medical Exchange where a doctor was on-call. He called me back within three mins and instructed me to do another 10u b/c the absorption will be slower in the dermal layer.

Whew.

That was scary.

Holy Cr@p I think I messed up

The Lup*pron needle started to come out when I injected tonight and I think some of it ended up in the dermal layer. There is now a raised area on my thigh! It itches! Holy cr@p ....will it absorb or is it gonna just sit there? I was able to push the needle in all of the way but fear I was at a wrong angle or something. If it won't absorb from there then I have missed a dose! I remember the nurse talking about a problem when the meds are injected "between layers" but I think that was for IM's.

If anyone else has done this, please let me know.

D@mn!

Well, that was easy!

Ivan is leaving town for a few days so I had to give my own injection last night. Blogdom, even a few months ago I would have said "it will never happen" if you asked me if I would ever plunge a needle into my own flesh! It was truly painless! And I didn't pass out!

If nothing else comes out of this, I can at least say that I learned how to give subq injections!

Now...concerning our friend Lup*ron...I had a major hot flash during sleep last night after having my third injection. I did not notice that during the last cycle. But, b/c they had me on the "old ovary regimen" I started stims on the third day of Lup*ron which must have curbed the symptoms a bit? Not sure. Either way, it will be a long three weeks if those hot flashes continue. I am really fond of my estrogen!

Here we go again!

Lu*pron starts Monday, June 4! My protocol is different this time since my "old" ovaries are so powerful. When we started cycle #1 and I saw that the microdose Lu*pron protocol was used for women "my age", I felt a little inferior or something. The new protocol now has me on Lu*pron two weeks before stims...older woman...ha!

I have been sad being away from this project and I am happy to get back on track!

Why June seems like a bad month

So, at 1AM last night my eyes popped wide open.

We can't do this is June....I will have unsightly bruises on my legs (and abdomen if I give injections to myself). How on earth does anyone do IVF in the summer and still go out in public wearing a swimsuit?

Women of Blogland....explain THAT to me!

In a holding pattern

Hello neglected blogdom.

A few of you have checked in and I am so sorry to have been away for so long. You are thoughtful to be looking in on us here in limbo land.

As you know, the ovaries overpowered the Lu*pron...IVF cycle #1 was stopped. Shortly after that little surprise we learned that our good friend with cancer was indeed dying and no longer fighting. We watched her decline for weeks and then she slipped away April 28 while at home with her husband and parents.

Breast. Cancer. Sucks. There are oh-so-many other words I could use but won't in this forum.

She was 44.

Her daughter is 6.

We declined the offer to start up again with a May cycle b/c we knew our friend was dying and did not want to be doing this amidst such sadness. The day of the memorial service I got it all out. In case anyone has ever wondered, it IS possible to cry nonstop for hours at a time. Oh, and if you feel the need to do that much crying, may I suggest adding several glasses of red wine to the mix and voila! you have one heckuva mourning process underway. It had been building up for weeks...the dying process, her death, waiting one week on the memorial...these things had all numbed my emotions...I was 'stuck' between happy and sad. Once it was released, the peaceful healing process had taken over and continues today. Life continues. We move on. IVF treatments start again.

With all of that behind us, this whole thing is still dicey. Ivan is going fishing in Canada in June...smack dab in the middle of when I would be taking Lu*pron injections. Folks, June is IT until school starts (well after school starts, actually, b/c I am on two PTO boards and the whole starting school thing is stressful and busy with open house nights and meetings). Our schedule is so full I often wonder why we are doing this! If we can't "fit in" the cycle, how can we squeeze in the kidlet? ;)

I think I am going to do to a "test" injection (a dry run) next week to see if I can indeed give my own injections b/c if the cycle is gonna happen I am gonna have to get brave REAL quick!

PLEASE give me your advice and remind me that I CAN do this! You brave women do injections all of the time...yes?

Thanks for hanging with me. I hope we are back on track soon.

"Your ovaries are obviously able to overpower microdose lupron"

Why are buttons popping off my shirt?

I just got an email from RENurse and that is what she said about why I ovulated very early on Lup*ron. The "microdose" is what they use for "older women". I told her my ovaries would blow them away! :)

Older woman....peeshaw!

BCP's and lupron and then IVF#2 starting on May 12.

Starting Over

Cycle Day 1.

Oh the squeals of joy coming from my bathroom this morning...if only you could have been there! My last gonal-F was Friday morning. I finally started my period this morning. This could have taken weeks and I am so glad it happened quickly.

Waiting to hear from RENurse. My best guess is that I will start the pill tonight and stay on it until we begin the IVF cycle.

Pituitary gland that won't stop

Yeah, um, okay...so I ovulated on Lup*ron! That's right folks, I am the lucky winner of a high progesterone level in the middle of stims! It seems my ovaries kicked out an egg in the last week or so. As of right now, my ovaries are full of lovely developing eggs...about 15 of them. They are officially toast as the cycle has been cancelled.

The RE is stumped and will devise a new protocol.

For now I am to stop all meds and wait for my period to start. It could be a few days and it could be a few weeks.

So much for that $900 worth of Go*nal-F.

Will update later when there is something to report. If anyone else has had this happen, please give your input!

Ice, ice, baby

Never underestimate the power of ice.

Our first injection was Saturday, March 31 at 7AM. Ivan is now an expert with sub-q injections! The key to making it through each one is to ice the injection site beforehand. We used the polarpack that was shipped with my Gonal-F (which we started Monday).

Two rules of injection time....I have to cover my face and I can't utter words, sounds, etc.. It has worked nicely so far.

Today was my first ultrasound and blood draw to see how things are coming along. I am awaiting the call from RENurse now. Dr. Smile announced several follice sizes for the nurse to write down. There were 4-5 on each ovary but the left ovary had larger follices which concerns me. Will update when RENurse calls with the numbers.

"oooohhhhhmmmm"

Wow, have I ever broken a big blogging rule....it has been several days since my last post. We are just meditating here until our cycle begins hence the "ooohhhmmm" title. I was obsessed with IVF blogs for weeks and weeks and felt the need to take a break and just enjoy life without thinking about it all.

Drugs arrive tomorrow...perhaps I will snap a photo of all the goods and post it here.

Back to my soothing meditation......

It's been a good decade...removing my armor seems like such a bad idea

While moving forward into this journey, planning this "party" with all the trimmings, I have not truly considered the emotional ride I am once again signing up for. After reading some posts written by disappointed IFers on other blogs, I am reminding myself of the potential pain and heartbreak ahead.

I remember it all well...the many AF's that would come and go...the excitement around day 5 of my cycle when the cramps were gone, the estrogen was rising and my was body re-setting itself to possibly host another life. I was a working-outside-the-home corporate gal then, it was just Ivan and me. My yearning for a child was suffocating at times, the pain enveloping me.

It was 1995...Dr. Google was not out of medical school yet and we had only recently gotten a PC at home... a desktop that cost $2000.00 and had 16 MB of RAM. (((are you up off the floor yet?))) The Internet was NOT what it is now so the information-at-hand was sketchy. We had a limited number of online minutes, Blogdom!

By the end of 1996, I was emotionally drained. We had only been trying for a few years "on our own" and we also did five IUI's after my surgery for endometriosis. Despite Dr. Smile encouraging us to do IVF, I knew the long arduous IF road was not for me...I just wanted to be a mom.

In early 1997, we learned a baby was going to be born that Spring. And, on my birthday in February, we learned that we would be the parents to this child in a few short months. The courageous woman carrying this child had chosen us to parent her baby. The powers-that-be had intervened, knowing I could no longer keep up the IF pace, however low the incline. We knew this was the road we should take...we did not seek the adoption, it came to us. And what a glorious, glorious event.

Goose was born that spring and then we adopted Lili three years later. Life has been full. Busy. Wonderful.

For ten years, I have been a mom. A Mom.

During this decade of growth and tantrums and fevers and irreplaceable cuddles, goodnight kisses, late-night talks and many, many "I love you's", I have still felt the sting of infertility now and then. IF leaves a hole, not a wound as much as a sense of incompleteness. With that said, many of you might feel wounded after miscarriages and several failed IVF cycles. I never took it that far so my "cross to bear", so to speak, is this hole - this piece of me not fully developed - a potential not realized. It is that hole, however small, that has brought me here with advancing age as the final catalyst. It really *is* now or never.

We could have done this when I was 27 but my Goose was about to be born.

We could have done this when I was 30 but my Lili was waiting for me from across the globe.

And now, well, now I don't feel another soul calling out to me...not yet any way. I know this is the right time for IVF, ten years after Dr. Smile suggested it. Now, a decade later, *I* am ready to do this.

But at what cost?

I see your pain, Blogdom, and my heart is heavy for you and maybe a little heavy for me in advance. And I want to pinch myself and say, "what in the h$ll are you doing, Ashpash, inviting this pain back into your life?" Pain that will no doubt be magnified by the needles, drugs and expense.

Will my journey end in six weeks when we get a negative pregnancy test at the end of April or will this blog take a fresh, miraculous turn with the sharing of symptoms and pictures of an expanding belly?

Either way, I am confident my pain will not be as stinging because I am already a mom. The loss of my fertility will always be there and it will never go away. But, somehow, being a mom will soften the potential disappointment with IVF.....right?

This, my friends, is where I think I might be fooling myself.

If this fails, I will still be a mom, still active, still healthy, still adored by my children.

If this fails, will I feel a sense of "we were so close" and want to go back for more? Will the photos of those embryos Ivan and I created be too painful?

I don't know where this is leading me but I know that regardless of the outcome, I want to experience it...the good or the bad. As I await my cycle to begin, I will continue to read your stories...your sorrows, your triumphs and your ongoing struggles somewhere in between. Thank you for sharing your stories, Blogdom, they inspire so many on a daily basis and help moms like me summon the courage to move on and see what life will bring.

Punching the illness ticket

One of my great fears about this cycle is that Goose or Lili will be sick the morning of the retrieval or transfer. (The schools this time of year are absolute cesspools of bacteria and viruses). A friend is happily keeping them overnight for our big visits to the RE but, geez, that is asking A LOT to have someone care for your *sick* child. This friend works outside the home so she would have to take time off...just not something I can ask her to do. However, considering by that point we will have burned a few thousand just on meds, ouch, cancelling would absolutely bite the big one!

With that said, I am hoping we have punched the proverbial illness ticket for several months. A few weeks ago, both daughters had a mild vomiting virus. Whew, I thought, wiping my brow...they have been sick. They will be fine for April.

Then this week started with Lili and a low-grade fever, clear snot, cough. FOUR DAYS LATER she went back to school.

Dentist appt for me today, acupuncture tomorrow!

Not.

Goose was up at 2AM flailing a flashlight into my room exclaiming "mom, I think I have a fever!" Once I recovered from the booming voice and lights in my face I was able to function and check her temp. (I had been dreaming that DH and I were at a Bob Dy*lan concert so I had to change modes...)

Fever indeed. It was 105.3. Magic ibuprofen and ice chips were administered and babbling Goose was finally on her way to sleep again. Blodgom, you should have heard my friend gasp on the phone this morning about Goose's fever. Ha, high-fever virgins, they crack me up. Bring on the fevers, people, nothing scares this veteran. :) Give me a cheek hot enough to fry an egg on...now THAT is an immune system with some gonads. Poor Lili, her fever was a puny 100.5, which is why the virus lasted so darned long. Of course, you would have thought her major organs were being parboiled based on her moaning. Not one for pain, my youngest little darling. She takes after her mom.

Now, dear Blogdom, I must admit that these new viruses have thrown me for a loop. In my experience, once kidlets get something - anything - their immune systems seem to be on high alert and they don't get anything else for a while.

Surely THIS IS *IT*! I am feeling very confident that illness is OVER in Ashpash's house for MONTHS or certainly for the month of April.

Note to rogue bacteria and viruses: We punched our tickets...think Tom H*anks as the conductor in Po*lar Ex*press...the darned punched holes are all over my living room! Go away!

[Update: A serious note about fever...the temp does not matter as much as the child's behavior. Some children can be extremely ill with a low fever. It's more about how they are acting than what the number on the thermometer reads. This is great advice from Dr. Sears on fevers.]

Let Freedom ring!

Free*dom Drug, that is. :)

They called last night to verify the order my RE placed for my protocol. What a nice lady I dealt with! She was so pleasant. Their shipping is free, they send the syringes free of charge and they place the order with Fed*Ex for delivery on the day of your choice. Also, she took my insurance info because she was sure that our prescription insurance would cover at least a few of the items. I can't say enough good things about them!

After I talked with her, I was absolutely giddy with excitement! For the first time in my life, I am looking FORWARD to needles piercing my flesh. (But I must admit that the thought of those PIO's is still making me cringe...at least by then I will have pictures of embryos to stare at each morning when that ridiculously large needle is once again introduced to my bum.)

Bring on the mind and ovary altering meds! Ashpash the pin cushion coming soon!

What music rocks your world?

Despite the title, Blogdom, I don't want recommendations for rock music.

I want your feedback on what music relaxes and inspires you. My iPod is a constant friend lately (when I am alone, that is...I just cannot go along with wearing the thing around the house ignoring my family!) As we move closer to our protocol beginning, I need something to keep my mind calm, positive, at ease, inspired. Along those lines, I love En*ya (A Day With*out Rain), Jew*el and Lor*i Mc*Kenna to name a few. I like deep lyrics that inspire along with soul touching music.

Don't get me wrong...I love my share of loud rocky booty moving music. But, right now I need something that feeds my soul.

Please, Blogdom...my Congo Line friends...tell me what you like...what keeps you inspired?

My iPod awaits.

We Have a Protocol!

Good grief. This is really going to happen, isn't it?

Our meeting with REnurse went very well. I like her very much and she gave us all of the time we wanted. Ivan was a pro with the practice injections...that's my boy...ultra fertile AND good with needles!

Lup*ron starts March 31 with stims on April 2. Egg retrieval is expected April 9-12 and transfer April 13-16. Pregnancy test planned for week of April 23.

I told REnurse that I really want a 5-day transfer if the embies look good enough. She said that she would make sure the embryologist knows this.

Here are the drugs I will be using:

Lu*pron, 20 units
Go*nal-F, 225 units
Ovi*drel (hCG)
Med*rol (corticosteroid)
PIO
Vivelle estrogen patch, day of transfer

First acupuncture treatment Friday.

My first blood draw of this adventure was taken yesterday. That d@mn needle hit a nerve and the pain was intense! My arm and shoulder hurt for hours afterwards. When I was leaving the lab, I was thinking how I am NOT cut out for this! :O

But, here I am any way.

"Grade A" Eggs Lost on Youth

Going into this I have assumed that my ovaries will kick out some "grade A" eggs and they will fertilize beautifully and me and my just-transferred perfect blastocysts will walk happily into the sunset together. Uh huh.

In these time-wasting little daytime diddies, I dream about Dr. ColdSpeculum gushing about my grade A eggs and our unbelievably perfect embies.

Yes,I dream and all the while neglecting basic responsibilities in life...for instance, getting all of the G!rl Scout cookies delivered that Goose and Lili sold. Who I am to deprive people of their minty, peanut buttery, lemony guilty pleasures?

BTW, Grade A? I feel like a dept of agriculture item for inspection.

What in the h$ll am I thinking with these thoughts of perfect egg-ness? The only Grade A anything in my near future will probably be the bruises left on my bum and belly.

I am now THIRTY EIGHT years old! Hello!? - Ashpash? - you are no longer a twenty-something college student wearing ripped jeans to concerts and doing marketing papers on a word processor. (It took an ink ribbon people...it had a hammer that made contact with paper...do you see how much aging my eggs have done?)

Even if my eggs do somehow end up being "fair" in quality the chance of success is quite low...like, if the doctor told you that you had this percentage as your chance of living through next week, you would immediately get a will drawn up and find a home for your Se*x and The C*ity DVD collection. This European-vacation-being-spent-on-trips-to-Dr.ColdSpeculum-and-lots-of-needles is nothing more than ME making sure I have crossed t's and dotted i's before I find myself eating my nightly 5PM dinner with my fellow widowed sister at Wy*att's Caf*eteria.

Despite the low success percentage and high cost, I have to cross it off my list.

Our song is playing and we are not sitting this one out. Let the band play (even if along the way a few notes are sour!)

More needles?

Geez, I gripe about the length of needles and then I sign myself up for more!

Today I spoke with an acupunc*turist in the same city as (and recommended by) my RE (Dr. ColdSpeculum). Her Chinese accent made it wonderfully hard to understand her English...I was comforted by her voice...she feels like a red thr.ead to child #3.

"It is a widely shared Chinese Legend that the red thr*ead 'connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break.'”

Dr.Xiaolei told me that I should NOT consider driving there the morning of my transfer (3.5 hours one way) as it will add too much stress to my body and I will not be in optimum shape for the transfer. Heeding her advice, we have decided that we will absolutely drive the night before and get a hotel room. The morning of the transfer I will have an acupunc*ture session with Dr.Xiaolei and then return to her immediately following the transfer. Also of interest, I found a local acupunc*turist who has her bachelor's in pre-med and also her master's in Chinese Medicine. My first session is Friday March 10.

Does anyone have input on their acupunc*ture experiences?

It's all in the numbers...and the length of the needles

Dr. Cold Speculum's nurse emailed me the IVF documentation yesterday! She must have sensed that I needed something heavy to read...I needed numbers and details...I have been like a caged woman deprived of chocolate! The chocolate has been administered and was absolutely inhaled.

And now for the numbers...

IVF Class Appointment: 03-05-07 (Monday!)
Amount insurance is going to cover: 0%
Cost of cycle: $9500-$10,500
Cost of meds: $2500-$3500
Deposit expected at appt: $6000

Ivan had a rather rude awakening last night when I shared these numbers. Remember, this is the minimalist man who barely requires oxygen to breathe...and he is going to be plopping down $6K in cold hard cash for something that has a 30% chance of working.

I am pretty sure he had a cold beer after our conversation....and then slammed his head into the wall a few times.

Now, about those needles....I read that gonado.tropins are administered subcutaneously as well as the Lup*ron...am I silly to be excited about this? Even that one-time trigger shot of hCG is SQ! SQ's I can handle...it's those IM's that terrify me...are we not talking about a major difference in length of needle here? I am thrilled to learn that the only intramuscular is the progesterone and THAT is available orally and vaginally. This is where Always-Helpful-Blogdom comes in. I have already learned from you amazing women that the vaginal delivery of progesterone is rather, ahem, tough on the Victoria's Se*cret bikinis. And I swore I read someplace that the oral progesterone is not as effective?

What does the Congo Line recommend?

I read about Cri.none gel being good...who has used it and how did it go? What seems to be the most effective progesterone?

Inform me Blogdom! Wash your knowledge over me---my dose of "chocolate" is wearing off and I need another hit!

Information. I. Need. It.