Caffeine is an evil b!tch

What a joy to check blogs and see that babies have been born to Sara and Watson...and many others I am sure...many congratulations to these new moms as they bask in the glory of mommying.

Let's see...since I last posted, I visited the lovely town of Las Ve*gas with some gal pals and my darling sister. Did we ever have fun! How I want to post photos but then my identity might be blown and I am painfully private. Sigh. Well, suffice it to say that we loved our time in Sin City with El*ton, Cirque du So*leil, the fantabulous For*um Shops, our night of boogying at "Pure", the craps tables and the many glorious meals we shared. The air is too damned dry and the smoke will just about kill ya but it was fun, fun and I hope to go back next year (with a humidifier tied around my neck).

Riding....still taking my lessons and enjoying my new saddle that fits my freakishly long femur and keeps me in my spot. We hauled our princely pony to a fox hunt over the weekend and Goose rode him while the rest of us drank port on the Tally-Ho wagon. Our pony is quite a confident little guy and got quite excited about the hunt. So much so that he left the second flight, passed the first flight, passed the huntmaster and was running with the hounds. How I LOVE THAT CREATURE. Goose was quite mad at her boy b/c he ignored her attempts at stopping him...we will work on that. (((love oozing from every pore for that pony & his partner Goose and for my Lilly who is now riding but is not ready for fox hunting))).

Caffeine....I went back on it for six weeks b/c I got hooked on McD's sweet tea. It was really just a way to soothe my soul I think...I needed to indulge in something. Well, it didn't last long....I am officially decaf again. That evil caffeine gives me headaches and makes me crabby and I have kissed it good-bye FOREVER.

The holidays....Thanksgiving day arrived with sadness in my heart b/c I was supposed to have a baby bump for Turkey Day. I am still mourning my embryos....does everyone do that? It's hard thinking of their potential and wondering why they left so soon.

The bubbling up baby flames are still there. I told Ivan we have to address this in the new year. He isn't saying no and is being quite light-hearted about it, playful almost.

My heart has not healed, the desire not reconciled...maybe we don't always have that luxury to heal or be at peace and I realize that. I am not "owed" peace in this life and must be careful not to indulge myself. B/c I am practical, I really think we should do donor eggs if we have another go at it. It just makes sense and would be a better use of the money.

If you have donor egg stories for me, feel free to post or email me to maintain your privacy: ashpash @ swbell.net.

Keep fighting friends. It has been a rough year, one I am ready to put behind me. Two lost friends, a pregnancy, a miscarriage, the tragic death of a barn horse, the potential loss of this pregnancy dream. I am looking forward to what the next year holds for me. Without a doubt, my life is already so blessed with my lovely little family, my two gifts-from-the-heavens-daughters.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays friends.

Just posting along

In more ways than one.

Posting....I am finally checking in at this blog.

And also, I refer to my latest "get my mind off of IVF" project which is English riding. Learning to post the trot in particular. I get it "in general" but am not doing something right with my shoulders.

Any way...my latest obsession is saddles. I need my own b/c my legs shoot off the front flap of every saddle I have ever sat in. Very frustrating and not condusive to good riding. It seems my femur is freakishly long.

<== This might just be the hunk of leathery love I need.

It has a deep seat, narrow twist, forward flap, thigh and knee blocks and has a "flexible tree" which will allow some flexibility in fitting different horses.

In other business....the silly cycles made my endo flare up. The left ovary hurts constantly and makes bending over quite painful.

Damn endo.

101 Posts! and anxiety is subsiding

Isn't this some sort of Blogger milestone I am supposed to recognize?

Happy 101 to me!

So, this anxiety of mine is about time. Time slipping away. Being too late. It's very hard. I will be 39 in February and while I know many women who conceived and birthed a child at 40, that will not be ME with *my* eggs. Because of the endometriomas, my poor ovaries have been through the ringer. They need to be left alone! While using donor eggs is expensive (about the cost of two fresh cycles using my eggs), I think the security of knowing the we would have a hugely increased chance of conceiving is worth the expense. Yes, seeing a mini me toddle around would be nifty but honestly, I just want to do this pregnancy thing before I turn to dust! Ivan ain't so hip on the cost. I don't blame him. We have not really discussed this at length as I need more info from RE and I have been in an emotional pit for weeks...I might be digging myself out finally. Knowing that literally the clock is stopped using donor eggs is of huge comfort to me.

We could do another fresh cycle or two but my response to the Gon*al-F was not great...I have reserve but the ovaries have been really traumatized by the endometriomas. Doing another fresh cycle with my eggs is not the best use of the money, it really isn't. I have to look at my goals here and perpetuating my DNA is not one of them...pregnancy is my goal.

If you have any donor egg stories to share, please do!

I need to check in with everyone!

Age is a factor

So my RE answered the questions I emailed.

We are dealing with issues of: (1) age and (2) endo.

Prior to another cycle, I should have a lap to clean up the endo and go on Lupron for 3 months. That would put another cycle after the first of the year.

Donor eggs would increase our odds to 60% chance of pregnancy.

Lots to think about.

For now I will enjoy the upcoming holidays with my girls and a trip to Vegas with my sister!

No decisions yet

Since my last post we have been mourning the loss of a lesson horse at the barn we board at. The girls and I were there when he injured himself in a stall which led to euthanasia a few hours later.

Too many sad events as of late to make any IVF decisions.

I am leaning towards saying good-bye to this IF journey but the pain from recent events is muddying my psyche so I just can't say yet. Right now, I don't have the emotional capacity to face another cycle.

Sending hugs to my fellow infertiles. I do hope all of you find peace on which ever path you choose.

Still no answers

Well fellow IFers, no answers here yet. Waiting on the period. We have not even discussed "what is next".

After the let-down of Tuesday and the tremendous bout of crying I got to do it all over again Weds when I learned that our lovely neighbor and mother of Goose's best friend died after an aortic aneurism. She was only in her early 40's, a pharmacist, mother to three daughters and a lovely, lovely woman.

This is not a good time for decision making.

Good luck to everyone...I will try to keep up with your blogs in the coming weeks.

For now I am going back on the pill until we make a decision.

Make it a double scoop?

Okay, well I finally "got it all out" yesterday...I had to stay strong b/c Ivan called a few times from work upon receiving my email. He was sad but more sad for ME so I had to hold it together. Let me just say that crying until you are on the verge of vomiting can be quite cleansing.

Here I sit. Tapping my foot as I ponder the future. Of course, I am still under the spell of progesterone b/c this evil stuff is not out of my system yet but I (we) do have some decisions to make. Where do we go from here? I have always prided myself in following my instincts so I am hoping once my cycle starts again and I am living on "normal" hormones, I can tap into those instincts and find my way.

* Do we try another IVF even though going into this I swore one cycle was it?

* Do I have a lap to clean up endo and we try on our own and that will be that?

* Do we adopt again?

* Do we stop and decide that enough is enough, enjoy life with our two and go to Europe on the money not spent on another cycle?

It's my age. My blasted age is what led to all of this silliness. Before now, I kept putting it off but now I have to face this monster staring me in the mirror...my chance for having a pregnancy is slowly but surely fading and I am afraid if I don't keep trying, I will regret it for the rest of my life. Honestly, ONE MORE IVF would *TRULY*, *TRULY* be IT. I cannot say that with enough emphasis. But, maybe we should not even go THAT far. Perhaps we should adopt again. Or perhaps we should just focus on the healthy children we have and move on with life.

The lingering problem here is that "positive" from the first cycle...the pregnancy that pooped out. It was like getting an ever so slight lick of the ice cream cone. As I went in for that first taste, someone moved the cone and I was only allowed a bit of its essence. The sweetness on the tip of my tongue was amazing. Sadly, it was gone before I could truly enjoy it in all its glory. I am grateful I got to taste at all but oh the yearning it left.

That sweet taste lingers in my soul. I have my nose pressed against the glass, peering in at the flavors awaiting me and I so badly want to order a double scoop on a sugar cone.

Do I walk away and enjoy the other treats life offers me or do I jump head-first into another one of those delectible cones? Because let's face it folks, the ice cream won't stay frozen much longer.

And, if I do belly up to the counter, will I even get a taste the next time?

That progesterone is a bugger

RENurse just called.

Negative.

We did not achieve a pregnancy.

12 hours to beta - 10dp3dt

Well, it's been a pretty down-in-the-dumps afternoon.

You see, at noon I decided foolishly to pee on a stick. Yeah, uh huh. It was negative. So to Dr. Google I ran. I found blog after blog of people having a negative hpt at 10dp3dt only to have a positive beta the next day. I have been somewhat buoyed by that.

Something happened at dinner, though. I cheered up sitting there with my doting Ivan and my darling Goose and Lili. While tomorrow will be sad, getting bad news "officially", I feel more at peace tonight. I feel beaten and battered and (tonight at this very moment) I just want to move on with life.

Right now I still feel nauseous and icky which is no doubt from the mild migraine I got today. I started seeing squigglies at 1PM or so and then the headache hit. The bb's are quite large compared to their normal size. Still feel like I am peeing way more than normal and I am very thirsty, dry throat. There were the strange pelvic pains today as well. But, hey, the pee stick said no!

I will post tomorrow as soon as I know something.

36 hours to beta

Whew...what a progesterone monster I have been this weekend. Honestly, I have tried to distance myself from folks so they haven't been exposed to the full throttle of my easily brought-on wrath. Ivan has been SO very sweet to me. He always is sweet but to be so nice when I am so crabby...that is a real man.

Ivan and I bought a PPV movie last night. You know, sometimes a good old fashioned scary movie is just really fun! Well, I bought and TiVo'd our movie and we snuggled up around 9PM to watch it. We picked the WRONG MOVIE! Fifteen mins into it I had to delete it. It was terrifying! At one point Ivan said, "oh, I can't be watching this!". As we age do we lose our tolerance for scary movies? It got so bad that I felt like any implanted embryos were in danger for their very survival! The movie was "The Mes*sengers" and if you like to be horrified, go ahead and rent it! It's not scary, it's horrifying.

One of the best scary flicks we ever saw was "The Oth*ers" (with Nicole Kidman). Oh my gosh, if you have not seen it, I highly suggest renting it. It's scary but not "send your embryos running for your cervix" scary.

Also this weekend we bought Halloween costumes. The girls and I are going to be "vampiresses" this year and Ivan was undecided about his costume. He said something about being a....pilot....he IS a pilot but okay, hon, whatever you want to "dress up" as! :) I couldn't help but wonder about any potential changes in my body five weeks from now when I will be wearing said costume.

Symptoms....the arse is quite sore beyond measure. Those shots really start to add up. My cheeks and hips hurt with every step. My bottom feels HUGE and my BB's feel huge. I am an "A" cup and am very aware of my boobs this weekend. How do you big busted women do it? Ack! My jeans are tight...typical bloating.

Late this afternoon I got a sour stomach and that "vomit-y" feeling after eating. Who knows. Progesterone slows digestion so it could just be that.

Here is a question I have for all of you....does progesterone have a cumulative effect as we take it? We have a set dose each day...same amount. Do any potential symptoms start right away or does it slowly build up to bring on the symptoms? I would think you would have the symptoms from day 1 upon starting it. My heavy boobs did not start until Thurs or Friday...the same says I noticed them being heavier with IVF 1 and I was pregnant at that point. Or, does it take the progesterone ten days to build and start causing the symptoms? I would love to know! Please chime in. My only experience was the last cycle.

I SO want to be released from this hell. Thank goodness that beta time is almost here! I honestly don't know what the result will be...it could go either way.

I needed that whistle

So I was walking to my vehicle in the WM parking lot this morning and would have sworn I heard a sort of "cat call" coming from a passing mini van that had the driver window down. Nah, that wasn't for ME, I thought. Then, while loading my items into my 4R the same van drives by and this time the male driver whistled! HA! It's pretty pathetic when you are so low due to the 2ww that a pathetic guy in a MINI VAN can boost your day with his whistle! Yes, I am headed to pathetic-ville folks. Sad but true.

I took three Ty*lenol today to head-off any headache that might try to attack me this afternoon. Yesterday's headache turned into a migraine that had me practically moaning myself to sleep by bed time.

Today I am dealing with a mild headache, constant urge to pee and crampiness, bloating, larger BB's. All of these things are no doubt from the progesterone and it occurred to me...AHA...also caused by my effing endo! I am sure that prog has the endo just raging away in there.

This 2WW has been especially excrutiating and I don't know why. I hate it for all of us...that we have to go through it and often are disappointed in the end.

Nurse says too early for symptoms

Well, this is throwing me for a loop.

I emailed RENurse about my symptoms b/c I wanted to verify that I could take acetemenophen for the headaches...I really hate to take anything unless absolutely necessary.

She emailed back that she has never seen my "combination" of symptoms (gag reflex feeling, peeing a lot, nausea, hot/cold flashes, headache,) WTF?? and that it's too early for HCG triggered symptoms any way.

Okay, so it sounds like I am losing my effing mind then!

Can anyone on this ridiculous planet tell me why, if this is a "bug", it only seems to come in the afternoons?

Does the progesterone build up and cause weird-o symptoms at some point?

Not only is my HEAD ACHING like a sonofabitch and my stomach nauseated but now I am pissed off....just pissed in general that feeling this bad means NOTHING related to pregnancy (or so I am being told).

EFF YOU ENTIRE IVF PROCESS!! Girls, I am starting to "lose it". I can't do this again. Ever. Nope. Paperchasing to China or Vietnam is a process you are in control of...and there is a child at the end of all the craziness!!! I don't give a rat's a$$ about my DNA...other than passing on my ability to eat to my heart's delight and not gain an ounce, I have nothing special to pass on to anyone. Raising someone else's DNA is fine with me. Yes, I desperately want this to work...I so very much do. I want to experience pregnancy more than I want a "bio" child. But I don't want pregnancy badly enough to play the mind games...it takes over your life and I want my life back!

What I would give for a cold alcoholic beverage right now. Let me promise this, Internet, if the beta is negative, I will be tying one on like never before.

Care to join me?

Symptom Update:
Really, really crampy now. If this were any other cycle I would say "I am about to start my period". But, we all know the PIO prevents that. So, can someone please explain the cramping? Yes, I, TOO, would like to knock me in the head, rendering me comatose until Tuesday morning.

7dp3dt - 10dpo

What a horrid night. I went to bed at 9:15pm.

I was up to pee at 10:15, 11:20, midnight and then another few times but I did that in my sleep pretty much. Suffice it to say it was a bad night. I could feel blood pulsing throughout my body...like one big heartbeat.

The PIO hurt like hell this morning b/c I think we hit a never or something. The pain has been shooting down my hip all the way to my ankle! Like yesterday, I am taking today "off" from life...I have decided to "check out" until the beta...that means I have been sitting on the couch watching A Ba*by Story. This is NOT my usual behavior...unless a national disaster has occurred, Pash does not have the TV on during the day...EVER!

Within the last ten mintues, the nausea has started and the headache is here along with a feeling of being hot. I can feel my heart beating in my ears....could this be from my relative inactivity?

Goose has to do chores at the barn tonight and I usually help lifting 50# feed bags, bales of hay, etc.. Geez, not only am I not supposed to lift but I doubt I will feel like driving there let alone HELPING. Ugh.

Beta is TUESDAY, Sept 25, 8AM.

Yes, I will pee on a stick but not until Sunday at the earliest and only if these strange symptoms keep up. I have seen enough negative pee sticks in my life...I don't need even ONE more! I love hearing from you...thanks for the encouragement.

Feeling strange

6dp3dt - (9 days post "ovulation")

It is probably the PIO but I am not feeling well this afternoon.

I feel "unsettled", short of breath, hot then cold, tired, peeing a lot, mild headache off and on (have not had headaches in ages), weak. BB's fuller but not sore.

Like I said, PIO most likely but documenting any changes just in case.

Update: Perhaps I have gotten a badly timed bug? Ack. Hot flashes, sick to my stomach, blech...really sick to my stomach. Very unsettled.

Update 2:
Yep, something it happening. I either have a bug or there is something more long-term ((wink, wink)) going on. Constantly yawning, very sour stomach, peeing constantly. Still having hot then cold flashes. And, I seem to be a bit crampy. Not hard cramps, just crampy-ish. Saliva to the point of my mouth being "frothy". Tried to nap but a bad headache woke me. It's not one of my migraine-type headaches...it's different. Geez, what else could it be? I really don't want to be fooling myself and I think it's way too early to test. If I had to classify this, I would say "it's how I felt in July".

The pee, the tiredness and the hunger

Okay, PIO is a strange beast. For one thing, I have absolutely zero reactions to it. Even the physical introduction of the needle and the slow administration of the thick oil into my arse is not even painful! (I am tellin' ya..stand with your toes pointed in).

It's the side effects...

For one, the pee. Egads, the pee smells so funny! I remember when I had my miscarriage and we stopped the PIO...I actually missed the smell. Oh, we IVFers are a funny lot, yes? Beyond the strange smelling urine, there is the extreme tired that hits around noon...it's intense and has led to more than one nap for AshPash. Lastly, there does not seem to be enough food in the county to feed me. Food is constantly being crammed into my mouth. And in large amounts.

Okay, symptoms, where are you? Calling all symptoms!

5dp3dt

And, of course, no symptoms or hint of anything. Too early.

I remember last time I had very full bb's on Thursday following the transfer but that could have been from the plethora of meds used up to that point...Lup*ron, Gon*al-F, PIO, etc..

Last night I told Ivan that I don't think it worked. How could it? How could THREE celled embies transferred on day 3 actually make it? (Yes, that is an invitation to email your uplifting stories that include such humble embies). I am just thinking that an embie at three cells really doesn't want to be in my uterus....as stellar and accomodating as I believe it is...I really think my embies would have rather been in the tube on day 3.

Yesterday I was really, really down. I admit to a little crying jag. I KNOW it's the PIO making me hormonal...that is a huge part of it. Last night, all of a sudden, my attitude changed...I felt uplifted. Not sure why. A sense of peace came over me.

Today? Same sense of peace. Hmmm. I am a toe-tappin' nervous wreck but, hey, I am peaceful!

Any words of wisdom? I so very much dislike the w a i t.

My fairy tale wait

Well, the bedrest is officially over. However, Ivan still insists I "take it easy". I am taking Goose to see her pony this afternoon and he made me promise "not to do anything big...no lifting...do you promise?"

This feeling I have now...I remember it from the last transfer. It's like a little fairy tale world I am living in. When regular ol' life creeps in, I remind myself of the six cells of wonder sitting in my uterus, pondering their future, trying to decide if they like it well enough to stick around. I go back and forth between cautious excitement and accepting defeat.

The thing is...it DID work last time. I conceived. I experienced the symptoms of pregnancy. However short it was, I experienced it. I guess I just can't imagine it would work again. I feel like that was our shot.

While I would desperately love to start to get that same funny gag feeling in the back of my throat next weekend, it's hard to imagine we could beat the odds again.

Numbers aside, to honor what we have done, to honor what "they" are, our little beginning cells of life, I will keep that dreamy feeling this week....will keep snapping myself back into my little fairy tale world....a world where the six cells should have multiplied into so much more and should be breaking free of their shells, exploring the lush home awaiting them. I will let peaceful, hopeful music pour over me and keep my buoyed in this place of wishful dreamy thoughts...considering what could be.

What will be?

This may be the death of me.....

Tickets go on sale this morning at 10AM for HM. My back-up plan backfired when an out of state uncle was going to get them at his TM booth (no lines at his booth) but we learned that only residents of my state can buy tickets to this concert.

So, here I am frantically creating TM accounts for Ivan and me. The ticket max is four tickets so we will see who gets the best tickets on their perspective laptops.

Am I really supposed to be relaxing? My heart is racing as I prepare to out-click thousands of other people! :O

NINE MINUTES!

==============================

UPDATE:
I was at the site at THE moment the tickets went on sale and never could get any. It's very hard for me to believe that they went that fast. Within seconds? Can someone "in the know" please tell me how so many tickets ended up on the sites of other ticket sellers...the ones who sell them for way over face value?

I am so disappointed for my Goose and Lili. They probably won't care as much as I do.

To put it all into perspective....this morning I spoke with my friend who moved to India over the summer. She told me about a little girl she sees on the street every day. The child has leprosy.

Enough said.

The two embryos that could...

We are home from our FET.

Both embies thawed!

When they were frozen in July, they were 4-celled "goods". Upon thawing this morning, they were 3 cells each and now deemed "good excellent".

Apparently it is common for them to lose one cell after being frozen. RENurse and the Embryologist said this was fine.

Embie1 and Embie2 were transferred to their new home at noon CST.

I had a wonderful acupuncture appt before the transfer and went back for a another treatment after the transfer.

Do you see that interesting thing on my belly? It's a wooden herb box. The Chinese herbs were heated and smelled wonderful.

My endometrium was a 10 and the transfer went beautifully. To my great delight, it was not necessary to force my cervix open like the last transfer. (I have a stenotic cervix). I was already worrying about blood getting on the catheter and entering the uterus which can cause implantation problems. It was smooth sailing through AshPash's cervix...woohoo...that catheter cruised right on through without incident! :)

And now my peaceful weekend awaits me.

We forgot the PIO

Upon waking, I felt a surge of excitement...PIO DAY!! At no other time in my life have I relished the thought of injections but these thing pump me up!

As Ivan was leaving for work, I was getting the girls settled with breakfast and when I told him to have a good day, I felt a pang of...something....I was needing to tell him something but was forgetting what it was.....

Backing out of the drive with the gals this morning it hit me, "OH NO!!!". Ivan had to drive back home from work and we did the injection around 9AM. Whew, that was close. We were both shocked that we forgot something so important. :O

*********

Remembering that horrendous day six years ago.

Sending love and hugs to those of you who lost someone in your life on that tragic day.

XOXOXO

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Happy 60th Birthday to my Mom!
Even though you know nothing about this blog! :)








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Ever lost consciousness in Tar*get?

Well, me neither.

But, I ALMOST did!

After leaving Dr. Smile (my GYN) and my blood draw by my favorite phlebotomist, I drove to Tar*get. It took about ten mins to get there and not wanting to have that big ugly tape with the cotton ball on my arm, I took it off prematurely. Oops.

I was browsing through all of the joy that Tar*get has to offer and happened to look down at my arm. There was a knot under the skin the size of a large pea where the blood had been drawn. (((cringe))) It still makes me woozie. I said quite loudly, "oh no!" and started putting pressure on my arm...OUCH...le'metellya, that hurts!

The room got dark and the ear humming started. Whoa. It was close. I am sure they would have called an ambulance. Imagine the horror! Luckily, I made it through my little crisis and was walking around with a tissue jammed in the crook of my arm. To keep pressure on the site I smashed my arm up against my chest...which looked ridiculous, BTW. It would have been better to just leave the darned tape on!

RENurse called and my progesterone is 0.6...just where they want it. PIO starts tomorrow! I am looking forward to that injection! Go figure!

Hold on little embies....please thaw so you can meet your mother's uterus! Not only do I have some nice lush digs we are working on just for you, I am also really looking forward to my 48 hours of MANDATORY rest! Just me, my D*ell and some DVD's. Oh, and the new quilted bed topper I bought today. :) If you don't thaw, I guess I will be in bed all weekend any way (crying)....but I would much rather have you with me.

And thousands of dead brain cells later....

Okay, OKAY, I took on the goo.

I knew the scrubber set would just sit around for a week waiting to be returned any way so why not TRY to make this work. Because, let's face it, I might spend as much time STANDING IN A RETURN line as I would have peeling goo while listening to my iPod.

It started off last night with a soakfest in soapy water. The actual label came off easily enough once wet. But, the glue, egads, THE GLUE!

I got out the big guns..."Oops!" was the ammunition I needed. If you have never used this stuff, wow is it smelly. At first it sort of melted the glue and made it extra sticky...so much so that my fingers were covered in slimy ultra sticky glue that would not wash off! I left the now label-less but very sticky item and returned to slay the gooy beast this morning. After two more scrubbings - all the while killing precious brain cells from inhaling this concoction of chemical nastiness - and a rinsing, my bowl scrubber is goo-free and is finally sitting, sans label, next to the master toilet.

I knew this was keeping you up at night.

At least now when I go to pee on those sticks in a few weeks my toilet bowl will be sparkling clean!

I fed my children bugs

It was a few weeks ago and I certainly did not mean to! :O I made steamed broccoli for dinner. The gals were chowing down and Lili said "mom, there is something in my broccoli". Oh, Lili! I thought, there is nothing in your food!

Umm, yeah, about that.

There were bugs. Many, many BUGS in her broccoli. They were dead bugs which is almost worse. They got "steamed" along with the broccoli. And, people, she had already eaten half of it at the point she had noticed something was awry!

They were small but, upon closer inspection, clearly had legs and exoskeletons. I ran in to Ivan, "I just fed our children bugs!"...we both "oh noooo-ed" to each other and made faces that expessed what we felt...that perhaps our nominations for the Nobel Parenting Prize might now be in jeopardy!

Okay Blogdom, I see it in your faces....you are grimacing wondering why in the h$ll AshPash is trying to add another innocent child to the family when she cannot even properly clean broccoli. I know, I know, it sounds bad. Honestly, I DID wash said green vegetable in a stream of hot water.

Well, last night we had broccoli again. Imagine the high point of my mothering career when both daughters in unison sang, "mom, can we have the broccoli without the bugs this time?"

GAHHH!! Nice.

Sadly, they both seemed to have lost their taste for steamed broccoli and will forever be scarred by The. Bugs.

Yep, I bet those embryos can't wait to be thawed and transferred into *MY* womb!

One week to go

Well, I have four estrogen patches slapped onto my abdomen. FOUR! People, I don't have a whole lot of real estate. You have to move them around and use different spots and with FOUR it's hard to find a new spot that is still in the area around the belly button...heck maybe these things can go right up under the boobs but I don't think so. Having so many at once is getting uncomfortable. I am having some mild skin irritation and a few spots there is actual injury to the skin...the areas are like abrasions and it's quite itchy and ouchy.

BTW, I wanted to share with Blogdom that you do NOT want the larger Vi*velle patches...YOU WANT THE DOTS. The larger ones FALL OFF if you dare to sweat at all. Well, you know, I love to spend the day in front of my D*ell sharing life with you. But the reality is that AshPash gets sweaty! The barn we spend time at with our horse is HOT and sweat quickly follows when it's 99 and 50% humidity.

Monday morning is the ultrasound. I am concerned that I am growing an egg or will ovulate. They underestimated my ovaries once before and it can't happen... I need to get this behind me. I need closure on this. The way I am talking it sounds like we will be done with IVF. On *this* side of an FET, I can't say for sure where I will be emotionally. But at this point, I am thinking we will be done. Don't get me wrong, I love this process but I am not sure my head can throw more money at it. We shall see. The transfer is set for Fri 9-14. Right now I am just hoping our embies thaw alive and am SO looking forward to my 48 hours of rest! Woohoo! An excuse to lie around and do nothing! :)

Dear chemical dept buyer at Wal*Mart

It was a really simple need I had. The purchase of a new toilet bowl scrubber was actually at the rock bottom of my shopping list. Despite the low position on The List, however, each time I went to scrub a porcelain bowl I would wish for a new bowl scrubber with a base that held the nasty thing out of sight (pretty pathetic that my wishes have dropped to this level, dontyathink?). Well, yesterday, while shopping at my local WM, I happened to look over and there they were...a selection of scrubbers with bases offered at varying prices. Without hesitation I pushed my overly full cart right on over and selected the most expensive scrubber set they had...it was even a "deluxe" model.

Just now, in the midst of a budding housecleaning jag (which is annoyingly being interrupted to post about this issue) I took the plastic off of my newest (and admittedly not terribly glamorous) purchase. Immediately I was pleased with my new scrubber/base combination! The base has a little door that sort of pops open to allow the release of the brush but then when you don't need it, it's out of sight.

Happy camper AshPash is. Err, was.

All was right with the world until. I. Tried. To. Remove. The. Label.

The. Effing. Label.

It's stuck to the outside of the base as if the machine that slaps on the stickers was filled with su*per glue. Do they think the damned label has to survive a nuclear blast? I spent two minutes tearing off pieces of label none of which were any larger than a raisin. Oh no, no, sticker Gods, I have been down this road before! I REFUSE to spend my time peeling off a label that will no doubt leave a horrendous sticky residue and will require any number of products to get it off. Good lord, Wal*Mart buyers, I could spend that time eating the Halloween candy I bought yesterday (much too early for actual trick-or-treaters but that WAS your plan, yes?) or reading IVF blogs or, I don't know, maybe cleaning the toilets I bought the scrubber for!!

So, now, not only do I NOT have a new scrubber, I will have to stand in line to return a toilet bowl scrubber (nice!).

C'mon big box retailers...put more thought into your packaging because a woman in the middle of an IVF cycle is not someone to mess with! Lucky for you I am only hopped up on estrogen patches right now and not on Lup*ron!

Let the FET cycle begin!

Well, after an excrutiating few days of PMS, I have been released and am happily enjoying CD2 with cramps and a fresh start.

We have a protocol which includes Vi*velle (estra*diol) dots, Doxy*clycline (antibiotic), Med*rol (a corti*costeroid which decreases inflammation), PIO. Would you all believe that I have missed the needles? Ivan is so good at giving the PIO shots that I am looking forward to my first one?

Ultrasound to check my lining is on Monday, Sept 10 with a planned transfer on Friday, Sept 14.

The anxiety-producing aspect of this is that we only have two embryos to thaw and what if they did not survive the freeze? I am already wondering if I will be willing to walk away and say "we tried" or will I be drawn back in for another fresh cycle? I know my heart would be ready for another cycle but that head, it will surely get in the way.

Just as I was typing this, an email arrived from RENurse. Attached were consent forms that we need to sign. In part one of them reads, "we Ivan and Ashpash confirm that we are the biologic parents of these embryos..." Beautiful, humbling, heartbreaking words.

Yowza, reading the language gets my leg to tapping..."embryos"..."implantation..."pregnant"...."baby". I love this process. It's painful and expensive and heartbreaking but I love it. For the first time in my life I have some level of control over this whole procreation thing. It feels good.

Lately, Lilli (our youngest), has been saying she wants a baby sister..or brother. She doesn't care which, she just wants a sibling. Oh, honey, mamma wants a sibling for you, too! :)

Hang on our two 4-celled "goods", we are coming!


*Update*
I was asked by Chas at sugarandice if I really like the PIO's. And Samantha at Southern Infertility just came right out and said she doesn't believe me! :)

Well, no, I don't physically enjoy the several inches long metal needle piercing my flesh. Not so much. You've got me there girls! It's the routine of it all that I love. The empowerment of telling endo to take a flying leap while allowing nature to circumvent that awful stuff and attempt to "do it's thing". That is what I like about the PIO's...what the represent despite their pain and resulting bruises.

An egg and my friends the birds

This is my first cycle after the early miscarriage and also without any meds. This is our "rest" before the FET in September (strangly I am missing the shots...seriously missing the schedule of it all...the power it brings). My cycle this month dragged on and on until I finally got an "egg" on my monitor this morning. I can tell I have been growing an egg b/c my left ovary has been tender. Everyone should have one of these handy dandy devices! Honestly, where was this thing eleven years ago? It really is true that women should be more in tune with their fertility and their bodies. Way back when I would have NEVER dreamed that I ovulated this late on any given month. Perhaps this late LH surge is due to my poor body being out-of-whack with the miscarriage and all of those darned drugs prior to. However, it would have been interesting a decade ago to have a monitor to track my cycle each month. Yes, I know about BBT and it's not for me. This is less trustworthy perhaps but it suits me better. I beamed this morning when I saw the egg image on my monitor. Silly huh? :)

About the birds.

You see, every Spring and Summer for three years barn swal*lows have built lovely little nests of mud on the interior wall of our porch. The first year it was with awe that we stood in our foyer, peering up through the window above the front door. The mommy and daddy bird darted in and out of our porch, adding their contribution to the nest that would eventually serve as home to their precious little eggs and, if they were lucky, successfully hatched babies. Our family of four oohed and ahhed when we saw that there were six hatchlings who had joined the world, their yellowish thin beaks peaking over the edge of the dirt and spit home. The parent birds made constant trips to keep up with the ravenous eating habits of these little creatures whose needs were constant. One morning, we awoke to find a dead hatchling on the porch, a casualty of it's ever-growing siblings over-filling the smallish nest. Two, three, four...the hatchlings fell out of the nest day after day and onto the porch only to be left to die if they had even survived the fall. Our hearts broke each time another baby made it's way out of the nest and each time we wondered if the parents felt a loss or was this just status quo to them as they persevered to tend to those who were left. Within a week of breaking out of their creamy spotted shells, that first group of hatchlings had been whittled down to one healthy little guy left. He stood confidently on the edge of the nest, feathers starting to poof and grow. The parents perched on the window across from him and kept him company as he grew. One day, I went to check the nest and it was quiet. No parents and no baby. He had flown away to start his own life. Out of six hatchlings, one had survived...odds that don't sound so good to me.

The funny thing is, those birds come back every Spring to tidy the nest or even re-build parts of it. This year the couple tore the old nest apart and re-built the entire thing, leaving their demolition and reconstruction debris scattered all over our porch. Every year, though, the couple loses most of their hatchlings with only one, if any, surviving. Despite the odds they return. And we humans? At the end of every summer we say we are going to tear down the nest or put up a plastic owl because, quite honestly, we can't stand to see another baby bird fall and die on our porch. But, you know what Blodgom? Every Spring, when momma and daddy barn swallow come around, we leave them to their business, we watch again in awe as the nest is readied yet again and we check each day, waiting for thin little beaks to once again peak over. And each time we have hope that *these* hatchlings will all make it, this time it will be okay. So far we have yet to knock down a nest or buy a plastic bird of prey to scare them off. What is it that keeps them coming back year after year when one or none survive? Why it is each Spring we await the hatchlings knowing most won't make it?

This morning, when I found the second hatchling of the season on the porch even though Ivan had lovingly put it back in the nest just last night, I wondered why we do this over and over every year.

And then I looked up at the one healthy bird left and I remembered why.

As we move towards our FET, I feel a little like those barn swallows...working feverishly to host and care for new life, hoping for the best and moving on through the disappointments to start anew.

Bring on the calories...IVF just might kill me!

One of the affects of IVF that no one ever told me about was the fact that the pounds just fly off! When I started this little venture, I was at 129-130 pounds on any given day. It took YEARS to put on that weight. Go ahead and throw your cyber rotten eggs but let me say that being thin and wanting to GAIN weight is just as hard as trying to lose weight. I just look at food and can burn calories. Here I am at the end of our first full IVF cycle and I am down to 124. People, this is tragic! I have so enjoyed my new curves...yes, my thighs are "for Ivan's eyes only" these days but I like them nonetheless. The emotional ups and downs of this whole thing have made my appetite "off" and when I do eat, it's not the usual quantities (gals, I can out-eat a professional foot*ball play*er when I am not under IVF stress).

Wanting my precious pounds back, I have been eating everything in sight today. I just downed a glass of Car*nation In*stant Break*fast...full of calories! Tomorrow I will probably invest in some En*sure drinks to add extra calories each day. Of course, I need to attend Jaz*zercise (for my heart and to relieve stress) but don't dare do all of the aerobic activity burning the few calories I am taking in each day.

Has anyone else had this happen? My gosh, if we did several cycles I would waste away to nothing! Not only will our love of actually having money in savings prevent mutiple cycles, it will also save my hard-earned curves! Most teenagers these days have the curves I didn't see until age 36 and even now most women wouldn't agree that I have curves at all!

Bring on the chocolate shakes!

My Friend Jack

High School Reunions are always more fun when you bring along a good friend.

Pash needed the night of 80's dancing and memory lane laughs b/c it's been a bad month. There were people at my reunion who are grandparents for Pete's sake. Grandparents? Ha! And we have two embryos on ice!

Cycle Day 1

One week later, I am finally starting my period today.

We will do the FET with the next cycle so that will put a transfer in early September. My girls will be back in school by then. Hopefully there will not be any illness going around that early.

Hormone hell and FET stories needed!

No period yet. Just living here in hormone hell waiting and waiting. So far I have been mostly "numb" and hoping CD 1 will help with my emotional state. How do women lose pregnancies at 8, 12, 20 weeks? HOW IN THE HELL do they do it? My heart and utmost respect goes out to those women. It's not like we IFers just "go at it" again next month. We invest weeks and months into one cycle, not to mention the damn plethora of needles...oh, and let's not forget the cold hard cash. That's not to say that fertiles are any less saddened by a mc but I do think the road to recovery, so to speak, is a shorter one. They can get right back on track within a few months and have the relative sense of peace that it will work eventually.

Me? I sit here with all of my hopes on two frozen embryos. They were the slowest growing of the five and rated as "good". Just nice solid embryos, nothing stellar about them but no real issues, either. I like "average", it's safe and comforting. I have read so many stories where the stragglers of the bunch ended up making a baby...one that stuck around. I am comforted by those stories and think fondly of our two 4-celled "goods" just waiting to be thawed so they can show the world what potential they have!

If you have or know of a heartwarming FET story, please post it! I need to be reminded that those FET's do result in babies sometimes. What's amazing is that they usually transfer the "best" embies in a fresh cycle and the "rest" are frozen. As any embryologist will admit, they honestly cannot tell which embies are the best based on "looking" at them. The slower growing less pretty embryos really get a bad wrap!

Let's hear it for all the underestimated "average" embryos out there!

Ka*ma Sut*ra Anyone?

First things first...thank you for your expressions of friendship after learning about our early loss. It's really comforting having fellow stirrup queens share in this journey. Only you guys *really* "get it".

Last night, in the depth of my numbness, I mustered up the wherewithal to take my Goose to a Har*ry Pot*ter party at Bor*ders. It was a night we had been looking forward to for months. While I really wanted to climb into bed with a pitcher of bellini's and not come out for a week, I had to step up to the mommy plate for my gal.


The store was abuzz with little Har*rys and Hermi*ones and treasure hunts and spelling bees and Quid*ditch tryouts. Goose took part in some of the activities and we visited the coffee shop for some treats. We moved on over to the kid's books and most unfortunately the pregnancy books were right smack dab next to the children's book section. I could not believe the luck. Ugh.


Goose found a book and was soon lost in the story, unaware of the mug*gle spelling bee going on right next to us. Mommy was going downhill fast but I realized it would be cruel to pull her out of her new-found world buried in the pages of that book and it seemed a shame to buy it since she was already half-way through. (Goose is a speed reader...she obtained the new H*P book at 10 AM this morning and even after swimming with friends this afternoon finished the book by 6PM). So that she could finish the book (and I could then spend the money on pee sticks for our FET in a few months), I decided to browse and she just walked with me, cruising through the book. We found ourselves near the "gift" area...there are cards and diaries and journals and photo albums....you know that area of bookstores. She settled herself at a shelf and propped her book up while I smelled candles and lotions. I moved my way down the shelf she was temporatily staking out and found, with great shock, she was right in the middle of ka*ma sut*ra and other various se*x books. Thankfully she was lost in her story and never even noticed the enlightening books within her reach. I was laughing to myself and snapped a photo.


There was my little Her*mione enjoying her age-appropriate book with every se*x position known to man (and woman) at her fingertips. Ignorance is bliss, yes?

Chemical - Early Miscarriage

Beta #2: 48.

I had a feeling the number today was not going to be good.


Update:
The RE Nurse finally called (I got the results from my local GYN office three hours ago). We stop the PIO, they did not mention any more blood tests. My period will start (hopefully soon) and then in September we can do an FET with estrogen patches and PIO's after the next period starts.

The nurse did indicate that it's a good sign that implantation occurred. The big limitation here is that we only have two frozen 3-day embryos to transfer. They might not even survive thawing.

Holy Mary....we have a bun in the oven

The. RE. Finally. Called.

Beta: 60

We are pregnant.

I was hesitant about that number but the nurse said anything over 50 is good. She has seen "38" turn out to be twins and said our number is a good singleton or twin number.

My next lab is Friday morning and they want to see it go over 100. Those people had better call me before 3:30 CST Friday! Afternoons as of late are NOT my best time and another wait like today's might just put me over the edge.

Symptoms:

* Upset stomach after eating or just in general at times. (CD 23)
* Minor shooting pains around uterus. (CD 27)
* Shooting pains in breasts, off and on. (CD 28)
* Much larger breasts (CD 23), average tenderness. Due to BCP's mine have always been tender.
* Very tired. I can't walk across the room sometimes. Napping daily.
* Short of breath.
* Off and on headaches. I get headaches A LOT but these are different. (CD 23)
* ZERO implantation spotting. I am not a "spot" kinda gal, never, ever spot between cycles.
* Kinda "crampy". Not hard core menstrual cramps. Just "crampy" feeling.
* Extreme thirst (CD 27)

The "thirst" thing is what sold me that this might be "it". I met my friend "in the know" Monday morning for breakfast at Pan*era. Within one hour of eating, I was SICK from the food. No vomiting, just soury icky stomach with a "vomity" kind of gag feeling at the back of my throat. Along with this was EXTREME thirst and it has not gone away. And I don't want anything but water. Son*ic Che*rry Lime*ade and decaf sweet tea are my favorite drinks and they do not sound good at all. Water is all that I crave.

My new mantra...please don't be chemical....please don't chemical.....please don't be chemical....

Holy hell...what have I done?

Blogdom: I feel physically ill. Headache. Nausea. My usual "hand full" boobs are spilling over the hand. I caved. I had to know.

At 3PM CST I peed on a stick.

But here's the catch. I used brand X but followed the directions for brand Y...there were leftovers of one brand mixed in with others and I did not realize it! I was looking for a + but the result window showed an up and down line. I was freaking out...what the heck? Then I realized that the key as indicated on the cap of the stick showed for "pregnant" a faint up/down line with a strong up/down line (which is the control) and "not pregnant" is a totally blank square box and then the up/down control. PLUS....I was reading the directions that said look after two mins but the test I used (I noticed later) said to look after THREE mins. So for an entire effing minute I thought IVF didn't work! And then it appeared! Finally I saw the corret "key" for the test I was taking. Talk about going from in the dumps to sheer (reserved) joy! The line is there but it's really, really light!

Women of the Inter*net, help me!!! Would the trigger still show up two weeks later?

Aren't I seeing a line? It's really, really faint but it's there!

Update. Took another test.

Tomorrow

Weds at 8:30 my favorite phlebotomist will draw blood from my stellar right arm vein. Hopefully by 2 or 3 I will hear back from the nurse. REnurse whom I love is on vacation.

Friends, I have never had "the call". My results have always ended with a period. I really, really don't want to get the call. If they could call Ivan instead I would have them call him. But he will be at work and that's not the best place to find out. I told him not to call me b/c I don't want to tell him either way while he is at work.

This morning's PIO was hell. I was standing and was "relaxing" my hip in preparation for the injection. Because I was off-kilter, Ivan's measuring was off. The injection went way too high...it hit in the area where your buttocks thin out and turn into lower back. It hurt...HURT! During and after. My leg has been aching all day. I stood there afterward and everything was going dark and I was losing my hearing. I exclaimed, "I'm going to pass out!" and rushed to the bed. I have been light-headed all day. So, that was one more kick to the stomach after an already long journey. I mean not just this IVF but the journey getting here...we took a break to raise two beautiful, smart daughters along the way...but this journey has been twelve years in the making for us.

Well, if the result is negative, I won't be crushed...disappointed, really disappointed...but not crushed. It would be like traveling across Europe to your favorite theme park only to find it was closed for renovations when you finally got there! You walk away from the padlocked gate with your health and your wonderful family but you sure were looking forward to that monster roller coaster beyond the locked entrance!

Me and my half-eaten bun are hoping to climb on board the roller coaster tomorrow.

The falling bun from the sky

So this morning was day 2 of the 2-day horse show. That meant that I was up, yet again, at 4:45AM. Ashpash was not pleasant this morning and was on the verge of tears b/c I felt too good...I want to be barfing my guts out people! I want the smell of horse manure to send me running for a muck bucket! As you can see from my previous posts, there are no real symptoms and it's weighing on me. I am so sick of reading message board posts of women who claim to have symptoms three days after ovulation. It just is not realistic to have actual pregnancy symptoms that early. These "traditional" symptoms could be caused by ANYTHING, not just pregnancy. It causes more anxiety for the rest of us, damn it, so stop!

The other issue here with this symptom stuff is that I won't feel "crampy" due to my period b/c I am artificially maintaining this cycle with the PIO's. There is no corpus luteum that will die out, ending progesterone production resulting in that "crampy feeling".

No, I will be fooled to the bitter end.

About the bun. My friend who has twins as the result of one IVF cycle shared with me her rabbit story. The day of her beta test she had a rabbit bolt out in front of her as she walked in to the hospital lab for the test. She thought it was a "sign" and even though she felt those familiar cramps on the drive home, was uplifted by her rabbit...and she was pregnant with twins. Well, I had my own "rabbit" experience this morning.

Goose and I pulled through the drive-thru of the only open food establishment at 5:55 this morning (McD's....argh!) to get something to eat however disgustingly unhealthy it may be. Nothing on the menu sounded even remotely good except for a filet of fish. Why is it that you can't get a filet of fish at 6AM? There are people like me who can eat anything for breakfast and that's what sounded good. So, while I was in line waiting for Goose's pancakes and my ((ahem)) ICE WATER, something plopped onto my windshied. Startled, I exclaimed, "what the hell?" Upon close inspection through the windshield I saw that is was a partially eaten hamburger bun. Instantly I started looking for prankster teenagers who were obviously throwing food at me...attacking this pathetic pin cushion of a woman...beating her while she is down. Except, come on, what teens would be out at 6AM on a Sunday morning? Once I got over my victim mentality, I realized that a bird had found the bun in the parking lot and was flying over with his prize when the sheer weight and girth was too much for his bird mouth. So, on a morning when I was feeling pretty low and hopeless and assuming this IVF failed, I get a bun dropped from the heavens.

Perhaps a sign about a "bun in the oven?"

Yeah, okay, it's reaching. And maybe the bun wasn't the perfect out-of-the-oven bun you are envisioning. It was hard and had been in someone's mouth and, had I investigated further, it would have no doubt had some leftover ketchup or mustard smeared on it. Not exactly the stuff fairy tales are made of but we will take any "bun in the oven" story we can get. And really, rabbits run around all over the place but how often does a bird drop a bun dead center on your windshield?

I am claiming my bun story, ketchup and all, and will hold it close to my heart until Wednesday's blood test.

And if the test comes back negative I am deleting this post! :)

Relatively symptomless

Quick symptoms post.

Cycle day 25 ~ 11 days post "ovulation" ~ 8dp3dt

1. Larger, tender breasts.

2. Lots of peeing at night.

3. Sour stomach in the afternoons along with voracious appetite.

4. Headaches.

That's not much. These are all symptoms of progesterone. I don't know about the sour stomach thing but I know progesterone messes with digestion. Folks, there just are not any symptoms bowling me over. I am SICK TO DEATH of this process and want the whole thing behind me. It really consumes your life. My bad attitude could be the tired mommy talking. We spent FOURTEEN hours at a horse show today and I need sleep.

If I had to guess I would say I am not pregnant b/c these symptoms are nothing special.

Distractions

Today is 5dp3dt - Cycle day 22 - 8 days post "ovulation".

There are no "symptoms" except for sore boobs and a sour stomach. But, I am pretty sure the boobs have been sore all along and the sour stomach is probably from the movie popcorn.

Thank heavens for distractions....

Today we saw the first showing of Har*y Pot*ter #5. IT ROCKED! As usual, they left out so much from the book which is a disappointment. Nonetheless we loved what was represented on the screen. Can't wait for book # 7 next weekend! Goose wants me to read it first but it will take me a month and her about three hours. She will never be able to hold out. It's like a box of pee sticks to a stirrup queen on CD 28...too tempting.

Lilli, Goose and I are leaving tomorrow morning early to attend China Culture Camp and then Saturday morning is the start of a two-day horse show where Goose will show on her pony.

I have been dreading the hectic weekend but it's better than obsessing about this cycle. While I am so excited about the outcome I am starting to resent the stress this whole ridiculous process causes. It really does start to feel like nonsense. And I still want it to work.

Egads...stay in the upper, outer quandrant!

So it turns out you can injure your sciatic nerve with PIO shots! The photo shows the "safe" area. The nurse showed Ivan how to find the safe spot...something about the hand and the thumb being placed on the back of the pelvic bone. He is a pro at it it but I still emailed this photo to him as a gentle reminder! Go here to read more.

UPDATE:

PIO's are are much more bearable if you stand. I learned this when a doctor at China Camp (fellow China Mom) did my shot for me b/c Ivan could not be there. She told me afterward that PIO's are often less painful if you stand with you toes pointed slightly inward which could also be implemented if you prefer to lie down.

Misc ramblings....and to think I have nine more days until we test

Let's start off by sharing that the PIO injections SUCK BIG HORSE TURDS! Honestly, I am starting to cry when Ivan gives them now. Not loud crazy woman screams, just pitiful little sobs into my pillow. My arse hurts and badly! It's not just the physical pain of it...it's the emotional out-there-ness of it...with each shot I am exposing my heart that much more to potential disappointment. I used ice this morning to physically numb the spot and the effing ice was worse than the three inch needle! Holy moly, there must be a lot of nerve endings back there. My Ivan...he is so diligent "1, 2, 3...in....okay no blood....here were go...almost done....almost there....okay, done!" and then he massages my bum. Such. A. Sweet. Boy.

On to bladder issues....I awoke last night with a bladder so completely full that I felt like a beach ball was sticking from my abdomen. I felt like I may not make it to the loo b/c I could not balance enough to get there! How freaking large can our bladders get? It was crowding everything else out based on how icky I felt upon waking. My insides felt bruised this morning which is also what leads to the pillow sobbing...I lie on my tummy for the shot and in the mornings everything is sore from the Olympic bladder filling activities from the night before.

And while we are talking about bladders...what is up with the way the progesterone makes urine smell? I guess I have never had progesterone of this "quality" surging through my body...certainly not via IM's. The IUI's all those years ago were accompanied by progesterone in pill form if memory serves me. Very strange pee!

Now, about those mysterious embryos. I wish those buggers had little tracking devices, much like geese, so that we could keep track of their mortality and movement... "blast 1 is on the move"; "embryo 2 stopped dividing on day 4"; "embryo 3 just implanted!" Now wouldn't THAT be cool? And wouldn't it make for more sane stirrup queens the world over?

Calling my embryos

Announcement:

My ute is now open for business. We had a lengthy construction phase and had to hire some new contractors along the way. The plumbing now seems to be working and the decorators did a lovely job creating a warm and inviting place to settle in for a nice long stay. This is not a boarding house for freeloaders so there are a few rules....(1) no extended morning sickness, (2) no saggy boobs, (3) no hemorrhoids. Otherwise, you can stay up as late as you want, play any music you like and there are three free meals per day as well as unlimited snacks.

Please inquire within.

Den of doom (AKA "My Uterus")

Hi there Blogdom! Back aching from all of this bedrest! Also, I am retaining water and my entire abdomen feels like it's drowning. The progesterone shots must really cause bloating and the ovaries are kinda full, too.

Ivan is an absolute nazi about this bedrest thing! I have to "sneak" activities in. I could see dust on my dresser from where I am and had to do some undercover dusting...then he found the dusting spray so I was caught!

I plan to be here all day. Goose just left for the barn to ride with friends and Lilli will most likely play outside if anyone is around. I told Ivan I could feel the stress coming on due to the floors needing to be vacuumed...ack! :O (Hint, hint....please plug that Hoover in!)

Hen-Ben has been in bed with me since yesterday afternoon. He takes pee breaks and then is right back here with me. He slept between us all night. Not even sure he is eating. What a loyal little buddy. :)

Ivan just left for Panera to get me a mango smoothie and a souffle! I LOVE this pampering! It rocks!

My day will be spent reading doom and gloom reports about why this won't work. I MEAN I plan to read uplifting, positive stories about IVF lottery winners and gush at photos of their huge bellies. Whateva. When my back can't take this ridicuous semi-upright position any longer I will lie back and meditate with my iPod and the Enya CD I downloaded just for this very day. It's beautiful music that you get lost in.

As humbled as I feel to have our dividing DNA in my uterus, I can't help but think the embryos really should be back in their lovely dishes basking in their glucose soup. They seemed happy there. Now they are in my violent uterus with God only knows what kind of weird endometriosis chemical reactions going on. Between us....this ain't gonna work HOWEVER I am staying relatively positive for Ivan's sake. It's so simple for him....embryos + uterus = pregnancy. Sweet boy.

Well, my man servant darling husband should be here any minute with my breakfast.

Three embryos are in da house!

Hopefully our three wonders are enjoying their new digs! There is an 11mm lush endometrium just waiting to show them a good time!

9:30 AM acupuncture #1
11 AM transfer appt
12:30 PM acupuncture #2

Transferred today (day 3) were:

(2) 8-cell embryos (excellent and good respectively)
(1) 5-cell embryo (good-excellent)

Update: I should have added that all of our embryos were completely free of fragmentation!

The transfer went well although my stenotic cervix offered a small challenge. The RE did a test transfer to break through the cervix, cleaned off the cervix and did the "loaded" catheter with our little beauties. I am on strict 48-hour bedrest, no shower or bath for 48 hours ( I assume b/c of hot water?).

Of course, now I am obsessing because I read that there are lower success rates when a stenotic cervix is factored into the mix.

(2) 4-cell embryos of "good" quality were frozen so we have a back-up FET for later if this goes bust.

I am feeling bloated and a little crampy. Ivan is waiting on me hand and foot as I lie here in bed with my laptop. It's gonna be a good weekend! :)

Anyone with stenotic cervix stories for me?

Four "good" embryos await their womb

As of this morning we still have four and they are rated as "good". RE uses a rating system of excellent, good, fair, poor. These ovaries have seen 38 years and endometriomas three times their size. We will take "good".

Ivan and I leave tonight for the three hour trip south. I have an acupuncture appt at 9:30 tomorrow morning, 11 AM appt for the transfer and then a 1PM appt for a follow-up acupuncture treatment. This will be a 3-day transfer with what we hope are 6 to 8 celled embryos by tomorrow. Based on the lab report tomorrow morning, we will transfer three or MAYBE four if they have taken a bad turn. I say why bother to freeze one? But, I also know that my uterus cannot hold three or four fetuses! We will worry about that tomorrow. My mindset is that this isn't gonna work any way so why give it much thought! Great attitude, huh? Can you say defense mechanism?

Today has been very emotional. I have cried at least twice. Just so much going on....waiting on the updated fertilization report, making plans for the trip, worrying already that this won't work...oh, and the large doses of progesterone are NOT helping! It's not like I am yearning to be a mom (I remember THAT feeling and it sucked)...I AM a mom. Life is good. It's the potential failure of this journey. This whole process just sucks you in and takes over your life and it all may end with a phone call and a period three days later. Not a good ending.

The other reason I think I am emotional (besides the d@mn progesterone) is the fact that I want my embryos with me and out of a petri dish. They are only a few basic cells....the cells have not even differentiated yet but I feel drawn to them. Is this crazy talk?

I asked REnurse if I could get photos of the embryos. They only do VHS tapes! Holy moly! Our VCR broke three years ago and was not replaced! Let's hope their lab techniques are not quite as antiquated! :O (I am taking an old tape that has episodes of The Practice recorded on it just in case this leads to something and I want the pics later.)

Let the transferring and embryo burrowing begin.

Update: The morning of the transfer, REnurse called us at our hotel to say that she had good news...we had another embryo! That makes five embryos...three to transfer and two to freeze.

Fert Results

Okay. I am not terribly encouraged.

14 eggs retrieved yesterday
of those there were:

5 mature eggs
6 immature eggs
3 post-mature eggs
of those:

8 fertilized
and, of those:

4 fertilized "normally"
Update: By retreival day, the fifth egg had caught up with everyone. That means of five mature eggs retrieved, they all fertilized....100%!

The RE on call said that the other four could "catch up" with their fertilization. If they don't catch up, we only have the chance of four "usable" embryos. And, when they only have four to five, they like to do a three day transfer. NO, NO, NO! I don't want a 3-day transfer! 5-day blastocyst transfers have a much higher pregnancy rate. I don't want to put something in that is destined to "arrest" by day 5 any way! An embryo is not supposed to be in the uterus on day 3...it's supposed to be meandering through the fallopian tubes. I guess my body is better than a petri dish but, oh, the 2WW only to have them arrest two days in. I can't even think of it.

So. Again, we wait.

The really good news would be that the other four "caught up" and we have eight embryos tomorrow. He said they would call by 11AM or so.

That's the update.

If anyone can share good news about three-day transfers, please let me know.

First IM and the wait

And so we wait. I feel like I did when I was waiting on our China referral. This time we are waiting for our fertliziation report. Of course, nothing compares to the 2WW but we are not even close to that yet...we need to have some embies to call our own first!

To pass the time, I have been in bed with my laptop studying grades of embryos, stats, etc.. For the # of eggs they got, I am in the higher stats for taking home a baby (in my age group). However, we don't know how receptive to being fertilized my eggs are! If they are as stubborn as I am then we are in trouble. :)

I am feeling quite sore today...bloated...gassy. It's not horrible pain, just uncomfortable. I thought I would feel better than this. Ivan did his first IM injection on my bum this morning and was he ever GREAT at it! It stung but was not unbearable at all. It most likely hurts more than it normally would just because it takes so long for that oil to be dispensed.

Something funny from retrieval day...well, there were several things....Ivan and I laughed our tails off about a lot of things...we were just jokey on the whole trip down. But, one thing I really laughed about as I laid there in my provided sockies, hair cap and gown was that my nurse anesthesist was named ART! I doubt anyone was around to read one of my early posts about ART but I thought this was just too funny and hopefully a good sign.

Just days before our retrieval I also had first-hand stories from people with their IVF success. You may recall that the Gyn who did my ultrasound is now the mother of two children after one IVF cycle. Also, my stylist (whom has been doing my hair since I was 13) had photos on her stand of her 41 year old sister holding newborn twins! IVF! Gotta love those success stories!

Fertilization report any time now! Will post what I find out.

Petri Dish

Well my gals and his guys are all having a little "get to know you" fest this evening! The egg retrieval was this morning and we each left our little dna contributions at the RE's office hoping they will do wonderful things by morning! There were 14 eggs retrieved. I slept all day...wow, how time flies when you are given sedatives! Lots of bloating, sensations to pee. RE Nurse said that will get worse on day 3 but she does not expect OHSS. Everyone was very nice, thorough, professional today.

The fertilization report will be called in by Noon tomorrow, July 4. Can't wait!

You've got an Easter basket in there girl!

That would be the comment from the female Gyn at Dr. Smile's office who did my transvag today...she had just moved to my left ovary and was pleased with what she saw. I really like her! Immediately upon entering the room she told me about how she did a full cycle IVF and became pregnant with her son on try #1 and then they did three FET's and her daughter was born from the final transfer! It was a nice story on a scary day. Comforting. Familiar. It calmed me tremendously to have not only a woman but a woman "in my shoes" doing the transvag today.

Here are the numbers:

Estradiol day nine: 1945!!!
Right ovary: 7 follicles, 6 nice and ripe, one rather small
Left ovary: 10 follicles, all nice and ripe

We are READY TO TRIGGER TONIGHT! I cried on the way home from the visit. Tears of relief that I made it this far. Tears of hopefulness that we are so close to possibly achieving a pregnancy and tears of fear for the emotional pain I am setting myself up for. This is a process that has been twelve years in the making and now, two glorious adoptions later, it finally feels "right".

Ovi*drel at 10PM!

Keep on truckin'

"East bound and down, load it up and truck it. We gonna do what they say can't be done".

Yep, I am feeling very Smo*key and The Ban*dit today. It could be the increased estrogen that my gray matter is bathing in. My E2 numbers went from a mere 160 earlier in the week to 605 today (day 7). My ovaries are LOADED and we are ready to truck it on down (we are actually going to be SOUTH bound) to the RE to get those lovely eggs sucked out. However, Ivan may have to load me into the back of his truck tied onto a pallet b/c my bending at the waist days are almost over....can you say "ouch!"?. More meds....oh good lord....can it be possible? I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable and it kinda makes me gag...the whole thirteen-eggs-maturing-when-there-should-be-only-ONE concept. I am to stay on the Gon*al-F until Sunday AM. The new pen arrived today to the tune of $600 via Fed*Ex.

Have I ever mentioned how much I adore Fed*Ex? From just a business perspective, I find them to be truly remarkable, dependable, smart business plan, etc.. From a motherhood standpoint, they make my heart go pitter patter. Not only have all of these egg growing meds arrived via my favorite white truck but our China referral arrived from that same spiffy truck seven years ago this month. Nice company, that Fed*Ex.

Ultrasound and bloodwork Sunday morning and then I hope - I pray - we get a date for a retrieval.

Speaking of retrieval, oh blogdom, I feel something dramatic coming on. At some point with this retrieval I will have an "episode" of some kind involving the loss of one or more of my faculties...perhaps the loss of blood pressure (ie hello floor!) or even the loss of my dinner from the night before. I am the girl who once passed out on her sick dog at the vet. I woke up hanging in the air. The vet held me by my ankles to get blood back to the brain. Yes, suffice it to say that these situations are not where I shine. RE had better be offering me something "yummy" in the form of a controlled substance fed directly into my bloodstream that morning. Ya know, to make up for that cold speculum a few months ago.

I am perusing your blogs looking for stats....if they counted 13 follies today...is that it? Are there surprise follicles at retrieval that cannot be seen on the ultrasound? Based on my age (38!), is 13 good? I am reading about some people with
29 effing eggs. Geez!

Update - Okay, I am reading your blogs about this follicle thing b/c quite honestly I am obsessing a bit. The follicles they counted today were of substance...these were the bigger ones...not every little teeny tiny follicle. That makes me feel better. Some of you have had 30-40-50 but that included every egg that even attempted to show itself. I am anxious to see what Sunday's ultrasound shows. But, I need to admit that today I almost told Not-My-Gyn to pull that d@mn wand out in the middle of the scan. It was in there too long and I already have all of that pressure and ack....the repeated reading aloud of the sizes of this follicle and that. Gross I tell you. The endo has made me pelvis shy...I don't like extracurricular anything going on there that does not involve Ivan.

Fortunes

Here are my last two "fortunes" as told by the fortune cookies at two recent Chinese meals (and just for the record, fortune cookies are not a tradition in China...this is an American thing).

Fortune #1: Do not give up; the beginning is always the hardest. Chinese word translation word on back: "boy".

Fortune #2: (from memory b/c I left the d@mn thing on the table) You will soon see the results of your long-awaited project. Chinese word translation on the back: "he".

Ivan's translation words on the back were always something goofy like "cabbage" or "window". Mine were both gender-related and both male.

Blog amongst yourselves.

Shooting up in public?

So Sunday night Ivan and I went to dinner and a movie while Goose and Lili were at a slumber party. My meds were due to be injected at 7PM so out comes the cooler and an ice pack. After dinner, I added the box of leftovers to the cooler along with my Go*nal-F pen and a syringe with 10u of Lup*ron. We drove down the street to the theater and searched for an out-of-the-way spot...a space where I could actually pull my pants down to inject! I could have used the bathroom in the theater but I all I could think of was dropping my precious Go*nal-F in the nasty floor...then what? Egads! It occurred to me that mall security could have pulled up while I sat there in my underwear, pants to my knees. Is it against the law to shoot up in public? I suppose it depends on what you are injecting.

Has anyone else in injected in public?

So far, so good

Okay. Labs today looked good. Estradiol is in the 160's which is just where they want me! We will continue with Lup*ron 1ou and Gon*al-F 225u until Friday morning when I will have ultrasound and lab. The Friday visit is the one where we hit a snafu in April....that is when the rogue follicle was found and the lab indicated ovulation had occurred. Pooh-pooh-pooh! This time around we are planning on seeing two ovaries filled with lots of similar-sized follicles. If things look good Friday I will have a Sunday visit and then the retrieval will be on Tues, Weds or Thurs.

Stimming again!

The ultrasound and bloodwork Friday looked good. Estradial at 3o-something and the cyst was collapsed. We started Gon*al-F on Saturday morning for AM/PM doses and will continue with the Lup*ron, 10u once per day. My next bloodwork is set for Tuesday morning. Oh geez, I want to be excited but am very cautious because I know another rogue follicle could grow and lutenize all of my other eggs. This is not supposed to happen on on Lup*ron!

If we actually get to proceed this time, that puts our retrieval right around July 4.

Sorry these posts are so factual with no extra commentary. In my "real life", I am quite full of things to say but it seems when I come here, I just spit out the facts and "post". Maybe it's because I am not really "me" here.

Hopefully positive news on Tuesday.

The dam has broken

Not only was her arrival met with joy....a few whoops and hollers went out as well! She arrived today in all of her crampy glory. Ain't life grand!

Monday was the lowest of the low. Not only had PMS been grinding away at my sanity for ten days but I also found out that I had to make enough Jell-O for 180 children (4th grade) by Weds. That was it. My battered soul could take no more. The end-of-school-year activities and no period had taken their toll. The tears flowed. My dear Ivan was helpful and supportive as always and on Tuesday I was truly a different person. I could tell the hormonal shift had occurred. That nasty cyst had lost it's battle with my uterus. Sure enough, this morning the familiar "this is it" cramps arrived and the party started! Woo hoo!

Ultrasound Friday AM to see how things look. I am cautiously optimistic.

About to throw in the towel

Not sure I can do this much longer. Once again, I have a huge cyst on my ovary. When the Lup*ron is first administered, it sends a big push of FSH to the ovaries and then the pituitary is depleted, putting our ovaries into a temporary menopausal state. My ovaries really react to that "push" and a follicle develops which ends up producing estrogen. My period still has not started (thanks to the estrogen-producing cyst) even though I have had, at times, cramps that take my breath away. The "PMS" has been really bad. My RE wants me to drive 3.5 hours to his office and have the cyst aspirated. This is something I would have to do alone as Ivan just got home from a trip and prefers not to miss work. Usually a woman is mildly sedated. I cannot be if I have to drive. The PMS is really affecting my psyche and I want to just give up!

Not sure what I am going to do.

Geez, how do women go through cycle after cycle....I can't even complete one without issues.

Hormone Limbo H$ll

For Pete's sake....spare me this hellish limbo! I stopped the pill last week...no period. The Lup*ron continues (I am quite the sub-q pro these days). The crampy-looming-period achiness continues. The headaches continue. The extreme tiredness continues. I want my estrogen back! I want the BCP pills back! Tomorrow had better be the day or I will seriously lose what is left of my temporaily-in-menopause brain! I despise the days that precede a period....although I am confident that my Ivan despises them more.

Come on hormone gods, cut me some slack!

Easy does it

Well, Ivan is out of town and the nightly injections continue. I usually have to sit there a few minutes before I can gather the courage to do each injection. It doesn't even hurt! It's just getting past the idea of sticking a NEEDLE in my thigh! How many of you do the belly injections? That is just too...something...not quite enough flesh there...what If I hit a major organ or something (I know, I know...not really)...the skin there feels more sensitive I guess. I enjoy using the lovely thigh flab that I have acquired the last few years....more cushion and no organ piercing opportunities.

No period in sight. I took my last BCP on Thursday night and nothing. Sigh. Hope that shows up soon so I can feel like we are proceeding. I have been known to go two weeks before a period after stopping the pill...ack, that would mess things up.

Ya know, I don't even think about the results of this process. Right now, I am just getting through each day...one injection at at time. Because the last cycle was cancelled after I ovulated on Lup*ron (what the h$ll!!), I am now assuming something else will be off-kilter.

Crisis Averted

I called the Medical Exchange where a doctor was on-call. He called me back within three mins and instructed me to do another 10u b/c the absorption will be slower in the dermal layer.

Whew.

That was scary.

Holy Cr@p I think I messed up

The Lup*pron needle started to come out when I injected tonight and I think some of it ended up in the dermal layer. There is now a raised area on my thigh! It itches! Holy cr@p ....will it absorb or is it gonna just sit there? I was able to push the needle in all of the way but fear I was at a wrong angle or something. If it won't absorb from there then I have missed a dose! I remember the nurse talking about a problem when the meds are injected "between layers" but I think that was for IM's.

If anyone else has done this, please let me know.

D@mn!

Well, that was easy!

Ivan is leaving town for a few days so I had to give my own injection last night. Blogdom, even a few months ago I would have said "it will never happen" if you asked me if I would ever plunge a needle into my own flesh! It was truly painless! And I didn't pass out!

If nothing else comes out of this, I can at least say that I learned how to give subq injections!

Now...concerning our friend Lup*ron...I had a major hot flash during sleep last night after having my third injection. I did not notice that during the last cycle. But, b/c they had me on the "old ovary regimen" I started stims on the third day of Lup*ron which must have curbed the symptoms a bit? Not sure. Either way, it will be a long three weeks if those hot flashes continue. I am really fond of my estrogen!