Den of doom (AKA "My Uterus")

Hi there Blogdom! Back aching from all of this bedrest! Also, I am retaining water and my entire abdomen feels like it's drowning. The progesterone shots must really cause bloating and the ovaries are kinda full, too.

Ivan is an absolute nazi about this bedrest thing! I have to "sneak" activities in. I could see dust on my dresser from where I am and had to do some undercover dusting...then he found the dusting spray so I was caught!

I plan to be here all day. Goose just left for the barn to ride with friends and Lilli will most likely play outside if anyone is around. I told Ivan I could feel the stress coming on due to the floors needing to be vacuumed...ack! :O (Hint, hint....please plug that Hoover in!)

Hen-Ben has been in bed with me since yesterday afternoon. He takes pee breaks and then is right back here with me. He slept between us all night. Not even sure he is eating. What a loyal little buddy. :)

Ivan just left for Panera to get me a mango smoothie and a souffle! I LOVE this pampering! It rocks!

My day will be spent reading doom and gloom reports about why this won't work. I MEAN I plan to read uplifting, positive stories about IVF lottery winners and gush at photos of their huge bellies. Whateva. When my back can't take this ridicuous semi-upright position any longer I will lie back and meditate with my iPod and the Enya CD I downloaded just for this very day. It's beautiful music that you get lost in.

As humbled as I feel to have our dividing DNA in my uterus, I can't help but think the embryos really should be back in their lovely dishes basking in their glucose soup. They seemed happy there. Now they are in my violent uterus with God only knows what kind of weird endometriosis chemical reactions going on. Between us....this ain't gonna work HOWEVER I am staying relatively positive for Ivan's sake. It's so simple for him....embryos + uterus = pregnancy. Sweet boy.

Well, my man servant darling husband should be here any minute with my breakfast.

Three embryos are in da house!

Hopefully our three wonders are enjoying their new digs! There is an 11mm lush endometrium just waiting to show them a good time!

9:30 AM acupuncture #1
11 AM transfer appt
12:30 PM acupuncture #2

Transferred today (day 3) were:

(2) 8-cell embryos (excellent and good respectively)
(1) 5-cell embryo (good-excellent)

Update: I should have added that all of our embryos were completely free of fragmentation!

The transfer went well although my stenotic cervix offered a small challenge. The RE did a test transfer to break through the cervix, cleaned off the cervix and did the "loaded" catheter with our little beauties. I am on strict 48-hour bedrest, no shower or bath for 48 hours ( I assume b/c of hot water?).

Of course, now I am obsessing because I read that there are lower success rates when a stenotic cervix is factored into the mix.

(2) 4-cell embryos of "good" quality were frozen so we have a back-up FET for later if this goes bust.

I am feeling bloated and a little crampy. Ivan is waiting on me hand and foot as I lie here in bed with my laptop. It's gonna be a good weekend! :)

Anyone with stenotic cervix stories for me?

Four "good" embryos await their womb

As of this morning we still have four and they are rated as "good". RE uses a rating system of excellent, good, fair, poor. These ovaries have seen 38 years and endometriomas three times their size. We will take "good".

Ivan and I leave tonight for the three hour trip south. I have an acupuncture appt at 9:30 tomorrow morning, 11 AM appt for the transfer and then a 1PM appt for a follow-up acupuncture treatment. This will be a 3-day transfer with what we hope are 6 to 8 celled embryos by tomorrow. Based on the lab report tomorrow morning, we will transfer three or MAYBE four if they have taken a bad turn. I say why bother to freeze one? But, I also know that my uterus cannot hold three or four fetuses! We will worry about that tomorrow. My mindset is that this isn't gonna work any way so why give it much thought! Great attitude, huh? Can you say defense mechanism?

Today has been very emotional. I have cried at least twice. Just so much going on....waiting on the updated fertilization report, making plans for the trip, worrying already that this won't work...oh, and the large doses of progesterone are NOT helping! It's not like I am yearning to be a mom (I remember THAT feeling and it sucked)...I AM a mom. Life is good. It's the potential failure of this journey. This whole process just sucks you in and takes over your life and it all may end with a phone call and a period three days later. Not a good ending.

The other reason I think I am emotional (besides the d@mn progesterone) is the fact that I want my embryos with me and out of a petri dish. They are only a few basic cells....the cells have not even differentiated yet but I feel drawn to them. Is this crazy talk?

I asked REnurse if I could get photos of the embryos. They only do VHS tapes! Holy moly! Our VCR broke three years ago and was not replaced! Let's hope their lab techniques are not quite as antiquated! :O (I am taking an old tape that has episodes of The Practice recorded on it just in case this leads to something and I want the pics later.)

Let the transferring and embryo burrowing begin.

Update: The morning of the transfer, REnurse called us at our hotel to say that she had good news...we had another embryo! That makes five embryos...three to transfer and two to freeze.

Fert Results

Okay. I am not terribly encouraged.

14 eggs retrieved yesterday
of those there were:

5 mature eggs
6 immature eggs
3 post-mature eggs
of those:

8 fertilized
and, of those:

4 fertilized "normally"
Update: By retreival day, the fifth egg had caught up with everyone. That means of five mature eggs retrieved, they all fertilized....100%!

The RE on call said that the other four could "catch up" with their fertilization. If they don't catch up, we only have the chance of four "usable" embryos. And, when they only have four to five, they like to do a three day transfer. NO, NO, NO! I don't want a 3-day transfer! 5-day blastocyst transfers have a much higher pregnancy rate. I don't want to put something in that is destined to "arrest" by day 5 any way! An embryo is not supposed to be in the uterus on day 3...it's supposed to be meandering through the fallopian tubes. I guess my body is better than a petri dish but, oh, the 2WW only to have them arrest two days in. I can't even think of it.

So. Again, we wait.

The really good news would be that the other four "caught up" and we have eight embryos tomorrow. He said they would call by 11AM or so.

That's the update.

If anyone can share good news about three-day transfers, please let me know.

First IM and the wait

And so we wait. I feel like I did when I was waiting on our China referral. This time we are waiting for our fertliziation report. Of course, nothing compares to the 2WW but we are not even close to that yet...we need to have some embies to call our own first!

To pass the time, I have been in bed with my laptop studying grades of embryos, stats, etc.. For the # of eggs they got, I am in the higher stats for taking home a baby (in my age group). However, we don't know how receptive to being fertilized my eggs are! If they are as stubborn as I am then we are in trouble. :)

I am feeling quite sore today...bloated...gassy. It's not horrible pain, just uncomfortable. I thought I would feel better than this. Ivan did his first IM injection on my bum this morning and was he ever GREAT at it! It stung but was not unbearable at all. It most likely hurts more than it normally would just because it takes so long for that oil to be dispensed.

Something funny from retrieval day...well, there were several things....Ivan and I laughed our tails off about a lot of things...we were just jokey on the whole trip down. But, one thing I really laughed about as I laid there in my provided sockies, hair cap and gown was that my nurse anesthesist was named ART! I doubt anyone was around to read one of my early posts about ART but I thought this was just too funny and hopefully a good sign.

Just days before our retrieval I also had first-hand stories from people with their IVF success. You may recall that the Gyn who did my ultrasound is now the mother of two children after one IVF cycle. Also, my stylist (whom has been doing my hair since I was 13) had photos on her stand of her 41 year old sister holding newborn twins! IVF! Gotta love those success stories!

Fertilization report any time now! Will post what I find out.

Petri Dish

Well my gals and his guys are all having a little "get to know you" fest this evening! The egg retrieval was this morning and we each left our little dna contributions at the RE's office hoping they will do wonderful things by morning! There were 14 eggs retrieved. I slept all day...wow, how time flies when you are given sedatives! Lots of bloating, sensations to pee. RE Nurse said that will get worse on day 3 but she does not expect OHSS. Everyone was very nice, thorough, professional today.

The fertilization report will be called in by Noon tomorrow, July 4. Can't wait!

You've got an Easter basket in there girl!

That would be the comment from the female Gyn at Dr. Smile's office who did my transvag today...she had just moved to my left ovary and was pleased with what she saw. I really like her! Immediately upon entering the room she told me about how she did a full cycle IVF and became pregnant with her son on try #1 and then they did three FET's and her daughter was born from the final transfer! It was a nice story on a scary day. Comforting. Familiar. It calmed me tremendously to have not only a woman but a woman "in my shoes" doing the transvag today.

Here are the numbers:

Estradiol day nine: 1945!!!
Right ovary: 7 follicles, 6 nice and ripe, one rather small
Left ovary: 10 follicles, all nice and ripe

We are READY TO TRIGGER TONIGHT! I cried on the way home from the visit. Tears of relief that I made it this far. Tears of hopefulness that we are so close to possibly achieving a pregnancy and tears of fear for the emotional pain I am setting myself up for. This is a process that has been twelve years in the making and now, two glorious adoptions later, it finally feels "right".

Ovi*drel at 10PM!

Keep on truckin'

"East bound and down, load it up and truck it. We gonna do what they say can't be done".

Yep, I am feeling very Smo*key and The Ban*dit today. It could be the increased estrogen that my gray matter is bathing in. My E2 numbers went from a mere 160 earlier in the week to 605 today (day 7). My ovaries are LOADED and we are ready to truck it on down (we are actually going to be SOUTH bound) to the RE to get those lovely eggs sucked out. However, Ivan may have to load me into the back of his truck tied onto a pallet b/c my bending at the waist days are almost over....can you say "ouch!"?. More meds....oh good lord....can it be possible? I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable and it kinda makes me gag...the whole thirteen-eggs-maturing-when-there-should-be-only-ONE concept. I am to stay on the Gon*al-F until Sunday AM. The new pen arrived today to the tune of $600 via Fed*Ex.

Have I ever mentioned how much I adore Fed*Ex? From just a business perspective, I find them to be truly remarkable, dependable, smart business plan, etc.. From a motherhood standpoint, they make my heart go pitter patter. Not only have all of these egg growing meds arrived via my favorite white truck but our China referral arrived from that same spiffy truck seven years ago this month. Nice company, that Fed*Ex.

Ultrasound and bloodwork Sunday morning and then I hope - I pray - we get a date for a retrieval.

Speaking of retrieval, oh blogdom, I feel something dramatic coming on. At some point with this retrieval I will have an "episode" of some kind involving the loss of one or more of my faculties...perhaps the loss of blood pressure (ie hello floor!) or even the loss of my dinner from the night before. I am the girl who once passed out on her sick dog at the vet. I woke up hanging in the air. The vet held me by my ankles to get blood back to the brain. Yes, suffice it to say that these situations are not where I shine. RE had better be offering me something "yummy" in the form of a controlled substance fed directly into my bloodstream that morning. Ya know, to make up for that cold speculum a few months ago.

I am perusing your blogs looking for stats....if they counted 13 follies today...is that it? Are there surprise follicles at retrieval that cannot be seen on the ultrasound? Based on my age (38!), is 13 good? I am reading about some people with
29 effing eggs. Geez!

Update - Okay, I am reading your blogs about this follicle thing b/c quite honestly I am obsessing a bit. The follicles they counted today were of substance...these were the bigger ones...not every little teeny tiny follicle. That makes me feel better. Some of you have had 30-40-50 but that included every egg that even attempted to show itself. I am anxious to see what Sunday's ultrasound shows. But, I need to admit that today I almost told Not-My-Gyn to pull that d@mn wand out in the middle of the scan. It was in there too long and I already have all of that pressure and ack....the repeated reading aloud of the sizes of this follicle and that. Gross I tell you. The endo has made me pelvis shy...I don't like extracurricular anything going on there that does not involve Ivan.

Fortunes

Here are my last two "fortunes" as told by the fortune cookies at two recent Chinese meals (and just for the record, fortune cookies are not a tradition in China...this is an American thing).

Fortune #1: Do not give up; the beginning is always the hardest. Chinese word translation word on back: "boy".

Fortune #2: (from memory b/c I left the d@mn thing on the table) You will soon see the results of your long-awaited project. Chinese word translation on the back: "he".

Ivan's translation words on the back were always something goofy like "cabbage" or "window". Mine were both gender-related and both male.

Blog amongst yourselves.

Shooting up in public?

So Sunday night Ivan and I went to dinner and a movie while Goose and Lili were at a slumber party. My meds were due to be injected at 7PM so out comes the cooler and an ice pack. After dinner, I added the box of leftovers to the cooler along with my Go*nal-F pen and a syringe with 10u of Lup*ron. We drove down the street to the theater and searched for an out-of-the-way spot...a space where I could actually pull my pants down to inject! I could have used the bathroom in the theater but I all I could think of was dropping my precious Go*nal-F in the nasty floor...then what? Egads! It occurred to me that mall security could have pulled up while I sat there in my underwear, pants to my knees. Is it against the law to shoot up in public? I suppose it depends on what you are injecting.

Has anyone else in injected in public?

So far, so good

Okay. Labs today looked good. Estradiol is in the 160's which is just where they want me! We will continue with Lup*ron 1ou and Gon*al-F 225u until Friday morning when I will have ultrasound and lab. The Friday visit is the one where we hit a snafu in April....that is when the rogue follicle was found and the lab indicated ovulation had occurred. Pooh-pooh-pooh! This time around we are planning on seeing two ovaries filled with lots of similar-sized follicles. If things look good Friday I will have a Sunday visit and then the retrieval will be on Tues, Weds or Thurs.

Stimming again!

The ultrasound and bloodwork Friday looked good. Estradial at 3o-something and the cyst was collapsed. We started Gon*al-F on Saturday morning for AM/PM doses and will continue with the Lup*ron, 10u once per day. My next bloodwork is set for Tuesday morning. Oh geez, I want to be excited but am very cautious because I know another rogue follicle could grow and lutenize all of my other eggs. This is not supposed to happen on on Lup*ron!

If we actually get to proceed this time, that puts our retrieval right around July 4.

Sorry these posts are so factual with no extra commentary. In my "real life", I am quite full of things to say but it seems when I come here, I just spit out the facts and "post". Maybe it's because I am not really "me" here.

Hopefully positive news on Tuesday.

The dam has broken

Not only was her arrival met with joy....a few whoops and hollers went out as well! She arrived today in all of her crampy glory. Ain't life grand!

Monday was the lowest of the low. Not only had PMS been grinding away at my sanity for ten days but I also found out that I had to make enough Jell-O for 180 children (4th grade) by Weds. That was it. My battered soul could take no more. The end-of-school-year activities and no period had taken their toll. The tears flowed. My dear Ivan was helpful and supportive as always and on Tuesday I was truly a different person. I could tell the hormonal shift had occurred. That nasty cyst had lost it's battle with my uterus. Sure enough, this morning the familiar "this is it" cramps arrived and the party started! Woo hoo!

Ultrasound Friday AM to see how things look. I am cautiously optimistic.

About to throw in the towel

Not sure I can do this much longer. Once again, I have a huge cyst on my ovary. When the Lup*ron is first administered, it sends a big push of FSH to the ovaries and then the pituitary is depleted, putting our ovaries into a temporary menopausal state. My ovaries really react to that "push" and a follicle develops which ends up producing estrogen. My period still has not started (thanks to the estrogen-producing cyst) even though I have had, at times, cramps that take my breath away. The "PMS" has been really bad. My RE wants me to drive 3.5 hours to his office and have the cyst aspirated. This is something I would have to do alone as Ivan just got home from a trip and prefers not to miss work. Usually a woman is mildly sedated. I cannot be if I have to drive. The PMS is really affecting my psyche and I want to just give up!

Not sure what I am going to do.

Geez, how do women go through cycle after cycle....I can't even complete one without issues.

Hormone Limbo H$ll

For Pete's sake....spare me this hellish limbo! I stopped the pill last week...no period. The Lup*ron continues (I am quite the sub-q pro these days). The crampy-looming-period achiness continues. The headaches continue. The extreme tiredness continues. I want my estrogen back! I want the BCP pills back! Tomorrow had better be the day or I will seriously lose what is left of my temporaily-in-menopause brain! I despise the days that precede a period....although I am confident that my Ivan despises them more.

Come on hormone gods, cut me some slack!

Easy does it

Well, Ivan is out of town and the nightly injections continue. I usually have to sit there a few minutes before I can gather the courage to do each injection. It doesn't even hurt! It's just getting past the idea of sticking a NEEDLE in my thigh! How many of you do the belly injections? That is just too...something...not quite enough flesh there...what If I hit a major organ or something (I know, I know...not really)...the skin there feels more sensitive I guess. I enjoy using the lovely thigh flab that I have acquired the last few years....more cushion and no organ piercing opportunities.

No period in sight. I took my last BCP on Thursday night and nothing. Sigh. Hope that shows up soon so I can feel like we are proceeding. I have been known to go two weeks before a period after stopping the pill...ack, that would mess things up.

Ya know, I don't even think about the results of this process. Right now, I am just getting through each day...one injection at at time. Because the last cycle was cancelled after I ovulated on Lup*ron (what the h$ll!!), I am now assuming something else will be off-kilter.

Crisis Averted

I called the Medical Exchange where a doctor was on-call. He called me back within three mins and instructed me to do another 10u b/c the absorption will be slower in the dermal layer.

Whew.

That was scary.

Holy Cr@p I think I messed up

The Lup*pron needle started to come out when I injected tonight and I think some of it ended up in the dermal layer. There is now a raised area on my thigh! It itches! Holy cr@p ....will it absorb or is it gonna just sit there? I was able to push the needle in all of the way but fear I was at a wrong angle or something. If it won't absorb from there then I have missed a dose! I remember the nurse talking about a problem when the meds are injected "between layers" but I think that was for IM's.

If anyone else has done this, please let me know.

D@mn!

Well, that was easy!

Ivan is leaving town for a few days so I had to give my own injection last night. Blogdom, even a few months ago I would have said "it will never happen" if you asked me if I would ever plunge a needle into my own flesh! It was truly painless! And I didn't pass out!

If nothing else comes out of this, I can at least say that I learned how to give subq injections!

Now...concerning our friend Lup*ron...I had a major hot flash during sleep last night after having my third injection. I did not notice that during the last cycle. But, b/c they had me on the "old ovary regimen" I started stims on the third day of Lup*ron which must have curbed the symptoms a bit? Not sure. Either way, it will be a long three weeks if those hot flashes continue. I am really fond of my estrogen!

Here we go again!

Lu*pron starts Monday, June 4! My protocol is different this time since my "old" ovaries are so powerful. When we started cycle #1 and I saw that the microdose Lu*pron protocol was used for women "my age", I felt a little inferior or something. The new protocol now has me on Lu*pron two weeks before stims...older woman...ha!

I have been sad being away from this project and I am happy to get back on track!