Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Make it a double scoop?

Okay, well I finally "got it all out" yesterday...I had to stay strong b/c Ivan called a few times from work upon receiving my email. He was sad but more sad for ME so I had to hold it together. Let me just say that crying until you are on the verge of vomiting can be quite cleansing.

Here I sit. Tapping my foot as I ponder the future. Of course, I am still under the spell of progesterone b/c this evil stuff is not out of my system yet but I (we) do have some decisions to make. Where do we go from here? I have always prided myself in following my instincts so I am hoping once my cycle starts again and I am living on "normal" hormones, I can tap into those instincts and find my way.

* Do we try another IVF even though going into this I swore one cycle was it?

* Do I have a lap to clean up endo and we try on our own and that will be that?

* Do we adopt again?

* Do we stop and decide that enough is enough, enjoy life with our two and go to Europe on the money not spent on another cycle?

It's my age. My blasted age is what led to all of this silliness. Before now, I kept putting it off but now I have to face this monster staring me in the chance for having a pregnancy is slowly but surely fading and I am afraid if I don't keep trying, I will regret it for the rest of my life. Honestly, ONE MORE IVF would *TRULY*, *TRULY* be IT. I cannot say that with enough emphasis. But, maybe we should not even go THAT far. Perhaps we should adopt again. Or perhaps we should just focus on the healthy children we have and move on with life.

The lingering problem here is that "positive" from the first cycle...the pregnancy that pooped out. It was like getting an ever so slight lick of the ice cream cone. As I went in for that first taste, someone moved the cone and I was only allowed a bit of its essence. The sweetness on the tip of my tongue was amazing. Sadly, it was gone before I could truly enjoy it in all its glory. I am grateful I got to taste at all but oh the yearning it left.

That sweet taste lingers in my soul. I have my nose pressed against the glass, peering in at the flavors awaiting me and I so badly want to order a double scoop on a sugar cone.

Do I walk away and enjoy the other treats life offers me or do I jump head-first into another one of those delectible cones? Because let's face it folks, the ice cream won't stay frozen much longer.

And, if I do belly up to the counter, will I even get a taste the next time?


Samantha said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry about the news. I know how tough this is. It is difficult to know what to do, and those tantalizing "almost-made-its" make it even harder. I hope you and Ivan can take some time to decide how you want to proceed.

Chastity said...

I hate all the "what ifs" of this process. I am facing a similar situation. We had the positive FET, which was a chemical....and I've already convinced myself that it probably won't work next after that, what do you do? If you figure out a good way to decide, let me know.

I'm so sorry that you're even having to ponder this. It is a sucky situation to be in.

Sara said...

It's just so hard. I'm so sorry that you're facing this decision again. There are no good answers, given the number of unknowns. All that you can do is try to figure out what's best for you and your family. Best of luck finding your way forward.

Nadine said...

Its Brutal hard, all these decisions and what ifs... and with Endo, you never know what will work/won't work, what works for one person, doesn't work for the next.
Good luck with all your decisions, remember to take care of yourself.(i'm trying 3 months accupuncture/diet/chinese herbs before ivf....we'll see if it works).
take care