Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Caffeine is an evil b!tch

What a joy to check blogs and see that babies have been born to Sara and Watson...and many others I am sure...many congratulations to these new moms as they bask in the glory of mommying.

Let's see...since I last posted, I visited the lovely town of Las Ve*gas with some gal pals and my darling sister. Did we ever have fun! How I want to post photos but then my identity might be blown and I am painfully private. Sigh. Well, suffice it to say that we loved our time in Sin City with El*ton, Cirque du So*leil, the fantabulous For*um Shops, our night of boogying at "Pure", the craps tables and the many glorious meals we shared. The air is too damned dry and the smoke will just about kill ya but it was fun, fun and I hope to go back next year (with a humidifier tied around my neck).

Riding....still taking my lessons and enjoying my new saddle that fits my freakishly long femur and keeps me in my spot. We hauled our princely pony to a fox hunt over the weekend and Goose rode him while the rest of us drank port on the Tally-Ho wagon. Our pony is quite a confident little guy and got quite excited about the hunt. So much so that he left the second flight, passed the first flight, passed the huntmaster and was running with the hounds. How I LOVE THAT CREATURE. Goose was quite mad at her boy b/c he ignored her attempts at stopping him...we will work on that. (((love oozing from every pore for that pony & his partner Goose and for my Lilly who is now riding but is not ready for fox hunting))).

Caffeine....I went back on it for six weeks b/c I got hooked on McD's sweet tea. It was really just a way to soothe my soul I think...I needed to indulge in something. Well, it didn't last long....I am officially decaf again. That evil caffeine gives me headaches and makes me crabby and I have kissed it good-bye FOREVER.

The holidays....Thanksgiving day arrived with sadness in my heart b/c I was supposed to have a baby bump for Turkey Day. I am still mourning my embryos....does everyone do that? It's hard thinking of their potential and wondering why they left so soon.

The bubbling up baby flames are still there. I told Ivan we have to address this in the new year. He isn't saying no and is being quite light-hearted about it, playful almost.

My heart has not healed, the desire not reconciled...maybe we don't always have that luxury to heal or be at peace and I realize that. I am not "owed" peace in this life and must be careful not to indulge myself. B/c I am practical, I really think we should do donor eggs if we have another go at it. It just makes sense and would be a better use of the money.

If you have donor egg stories for me, feel free to post or email me to maintain your privacy: ashpash @ swbell.net.

Keep fighting friends. It has been a rough year, one I am ready to put behind me. Two lost friends, a pregnancy, a miscarriage, the tragic death of a barn horse, the potential loss of this pregnancy dream. I am looking forward to what the next year holds for me. Without a doubt, my life is already so blessed with my lovely little family, my two gifts-from-the-heavens-daughters.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays friends.


Stephanie said...

Glad to get an update from you. I hope 2008 brings less saddness and more unexpected joys.

Chastity said...

I've been doing the same thing...mourning my embryos that is. I've thought many times about how if I hadn't lost that baby/ies back in Aug. that I'd be in maternity clothes by now. It stinks. Let's hope that 2008 brings some great things for the both of us!