Friday, February 12, 2010

9+ lining but there is no joy

Yep, beautiful lining and an "excellent excellent" blast waiting for us and yet I can muster zero enthusiasm.

It's official, ART has finally broken me. Normally I would be excited that my lining looks good and that our FET is next week. Sadly, I am numb to the entire process. I had to put on a fake happy face for my GYN who did the ultrasound.

You all know what I mean about the thrill of excitement when you start a new cycle. With each injection, blood draw, ultrasound, etc., we are in control (for once) of our fertility...we are actively working to set the stage for a pregnancy. With every month of TTC and then the six IUI's, our first IVF, FET, second IVF, I had such a surge of energy that "this time could be the time". With every cycle all systems were "go", everything looked "good" and yet we had nothing but disappointment every time.

This is not a pity post. Just a sad realization that the up and down of it all has finally removed any sense of joy or hope for this process.

PIO starts tomorrow. FET on Thursday 2-18.

9 comments:

Heather said...

I'm sorry.

Infertility sucks.

jenicini said...

I hear you. But, you are not broken girl. You are still putting one foot in front of the other and getting on with it. Neither hope nor positive vibes are needed for this to be successful.

jenicini said...

Besides, I'm here to cheer for you!

Willow said...

I so know how you feel. I used to get all pumped up too and now just can't muster the energy anymore. I still believe in a big-picture sort of way that it will happen eventually, but can't invest too much in any one cycle. It's too hard. I'm sorry, and also, good luck!!

Musicmakermomma said...

This whole process sucks! You are an amazing person to have not broken with all the crap life has thrown your way, and a little apathy to get you through is just fine. Take care of yourself.

maxandzuzu said...

If it's too much pressure, just put it out of your mind. I realize that's easier said than done. Try to just stay focused and don't feel guilty about not getting excited. You've had too many disappointments, your mind is probably just going into a protection mode. Fear of disappointment. Take one day at a time and you'll get through this.

T

Sara said...

Ugh. Infertility sucks. I just wanted to share that I felt exactly the same way during the cycle when I conceived Eggbert. I had no hope at all. Somehow, just going through the motions got me there. I hope the same thing happens for you.

Maredsous said...

I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there. You only have a few more days before you will have the blast nestling into your beautiful lining.

mekate said...

I call it battle fatigue when I talk to myself about it- because really, isn't it? there comes a moment when it is hard to pretend we know differently, we've been there, done that. And dang, it is hard to get innocently excited about it. As you know from your experience, nothing NOT ONE THING about this is easy.

I know this online posse will circle the wagons and cheer you on no matter what. And I hope you find some solace in that--

Wishing you all the best this cycle. And I wanted to thank you sincerely for commenting on my blog and wishing me well. It means the world to me.

warmly,
Kate