Sunday, February 28, 2010

Not knowing when to let go

No tears yet. Still stunned and bewildered.

Ivan said the funniest thing last night...

"yeah, we could do it again but I am not giving *that clinic* any more money".

As in he might be willing to give ANOTHER clinic some of our money.

(((choke on my G&T)))

So I pull up another clinic two hours west (that does NOT contract with my GYN) and they have a listing of their egg donors on their website. You can only see basic info and must have a PW to get more info. Ivan actually walked over to my PC and looked at few with me...

Ummm...while doing this again is my absolute heart's desire, I cannot rationalize it. It feels selfish and indulgent. When do you say "enough is enough"?

Can I share one of my heartbreaking fears of never being pregnant? My fear is that some day, when my precious daughters are pregnant, I won't be "in the club" with them...they won't feel like I "get it". Does that make sense?

You see....I count each time a family member or friend is finally done birthing babies. I cross them off my list with a sigh of relief. Whew, don't have to host another baby shower for her...I don't have to listen to her gushing pregnancy comments ever again...thank god I don't have to see her beautiful bulging belly any longer. And it goes on and on.

But there is always one more person never ends! And how will it feel to go through pregnancies with my girls? Will they see me as a valid "giver of advice"? Let's be clear folks, we IFers know more about being pregnant than most of our fertile friends! But, do others realize that? I don't think they do.

I wish I could let go of this. I need to. When do we know to let it go?


Sara said...

Oh honey. I'm so sorry. I can understand your fears. I think that your daughters will be gentle with you, but I can certainly understand your feelings. Really, when I was pregnant, my mother had nothing useful to say after two pregnancies, and even if she had (which she didn't), I don't think I would have listened (terrible, but true--sorry Mom, I still love you). The problem is that advice and technology changes so much that whatever mothers are told doesn't necessarily have anything to do with what their children will experience. KWIM? Also, everybody's pregnancy is different anyway. Still, this is really about feelings, not facts, and your feelings are completely understandable.

You don't have to decide about trying again right now. It sounds like both you and Ivan are on the fence, and you might want to let the dust settle a bit before thinking about absolutes. You might also want to at least have a WTF appointment with your RE, or with another one, to discuss the ways that your results this cycle should affect your future decisions.

I do get that you have to stop somewhere. Just don't feel like you have to decide right now.

Nonnie said...

I am so, so, so sorry.

Heather said...

You are so right...we DO know more than many, many fertile women about reproduction and pregnancy - and NO, I don't think they would believe that.

I'm with Sara here - do you have to decide right now? How about three months from now or six...

jenicini said...

I is funny and so right! No more money for that clinic! From his comment, it sounds like he might not be done either. You know, I think you know when you can't take anymore. If you don't feel that way, you probably aren't done. Loves and hugs to you.

maxandzuzu said...

What a great guy! So supportive! I think you'll know when you need to stop. That being said, I just want to point out that many clinics offer 3 tries for a live birth with DEs or a full refund. They wouldn't offer that unless they felt really good about the stats.

I'm glad you're both on board with a possible 3rd try. It takes the pressure off of things feeling so final. I don't think you're ready to quit just yet.

But DO NOT give those people at that clinic any more money! Keep looking and perhaps you can look online for referrals or stats.


Nonnie said...

Regardless of if these fears are likely, if you're worried about these things, then they are valid concerns. I am sure you are the kind of mother that will show your girls what a TRUE mother is, and they'll feel just as comfortable turning to you for advice about pregnancy and motherhood as any other daughter out there.

Jeanne said...


I'm really sorry. :(


Rachel said...

I'm so sorry about your BFN and the crappiness of your clinic.

As far as letting go goes, I have no idea. I guess I've accepted that I'll never be pregnant long enough to create anything real, though I do sometimes think about those few precious weeks where I was pregnant and I felt pregnant and I was happy. That was before our diagnosis.

That being said, I will ALWAYS have some sort of issue around pregnancy, I think. And breastfeeding. I apparently have issues surrounding that as well, I'm discovering.

Anyway, only you really know when you just can't try anymore. But like the others said, I think things will be fine with your daughters. Your joy for them will be contagious. They'll know.

Musicmakermomma said...

Oh hon, my heart hurts for you. I love that your dh is at least open to the thought of trying somewhere else. When you feel so moved, I would check out the stats of this 2-hour away clinic, you can probably do most of the b/w and u/s at a nearer place (NOT your old clinic!).

But if they have good stats, make an appt just to check them out and see what they say about your situation. I'd also request all my files from the old clinic (mine cost a fortune cuz it was soooo huge!)

Best of luck whatever you decide - I agree, if you aren't sure you're done you're probably not done.

Bee Cee said...

So sorry to hear your news, my heart goes out to you. I went through the "when is enough, enough?" thinking so so often. It's different for everyone, but I always thought about what I could live with.

I know I am late and it's the last thing on your mind but I also wanted to say thanks for the blogger award.