Peace

Since we started talking about IVF again, I have been obsessing about it (nothing new with me). In my mind, I kept going over the pieces of this intricate puzzle....the potential health risks, the trips to and from the RE, the wasted money if we fail(!!). Why would I want to do this? Life is good...two amazing daughters, one loving husband, one very cute dog, one stinkery but loveable cat, one much-loved pony, a great network of friends at school and in the adoption community, our HEALTH (knocking on wood now). The road ahead ain't that pretty....injections every day for weeks, my ovaries pushed to their limits, blood draws, ultrasounds. And, at some point, I will have to include a friend in our plans (I am fiercely private) who will need to keep our children when we travel. Luckily, my GYN can do the daily monitoring, blood tests, ultrasounds, etc.. But we still will have three trips to the RE...the initial consultation, the egg retrieval and then the transfer. (The trip to the RE is 3.5 hours one way). Things are good the way they are! So...why?...well, here is the deal...I have learned to trust my instincts. That sounds like a big load of bull, doesn't it? "Oh, honey, my instincts say we need to buy a new house...time for a new car....and, one more thing, we need to have a third child!". It's true, I make decisions very, very carefully. I am the person who researches a digital camera for months before I would even *think* of *maybe* buying one so when I finally admit that my instincts say "leap" about a life altering decision this big...well, that means something.

Even with all that we need to consider, I realize that this time is "it"....we are really going to do it this time. As a matter of fact, I called and moved my GYN appt to next week, Jan 10, so we can get this going more quickly. Also, I talked with our insurance rep at my DH's co. Little did I realize we could do a salary redirection and get our out-of-pocket expenses deemed tax-free. Kudos to "B" for letting me know about this! (In my defense, we have never had medical expenses so have never used this program). The form must be turned in ASAP requesting the maximum amount allowed, $5000.00. Once the funds start coming out of the pay check and go into the "savings" account, we are responsible for the amount, no backing out! If we don't spend it, the money is gone!

I am at peace. True peace. That feels good.

Of course, now I am addicted to reading infertility blogs...reading these blogs must be akin to taking a nice long drag on a cigarette (something I have never done)...I feel that same sense of pleasure that I see smokers get when they light up. Hopefully blogging will be much better for my health.

In the end, I am ready for what is to come and maybe along the way I might have a few days when I actually feel fertile, maybe "meet" a few precious embryos that DH and I created. If we do not end up pregnant, I still have two of the most amazing daughters in the world. Knowing I tried will alleviate anxiety that has been brewing and the potential for "what ifs" that I know would have haunted me for the rest of my life.