Not knowing when to let go

No tears yet. Still stunned and bewildered.

Ivan said the funniest thing last night...

"yeah, we could do it again but I am not giving *that clinic* any more money".

As in he might be willing to give ANOTHER clinic some of our money.

(((choke on my G&T)))

So I pull up another clinic two hours west (that does NOT contract with my GYN) and they have a listing of their egg donors on their website. You can only see basic info and must have a PW to get more info. Ivan actually walked over to my PC and looked at few with me...

Ummm...while doing this again is my absolute heart's desire, I cannot rationalize it. It feels selfish and indulgent. When do you say "enough is enough"?

Can I share one of my heartbreaking fears of never being pregnant? My fear is that some day, when my precious daughters are pregnant, I won't be "in the club" with them...they won't feel like I "get it". Does that make sense?

You see....I count each time a family member or friend is finally done birthing babies. I cross them off my list with a sigh of relief. Whew, don't have to host another baby shower for her...I don't have to listen to her gushing pregnancy comments ever again...thank god I don't have to see her beautiful bulging belly any longer. And it goes on and on.

But there is always one more person pregnant...it never ends! And how will it feel to go through pregnancies with my girls? Will they see me as a valid "giver of advice"? Let's be clear folks, we IFers know more about being pregnant than most of our fertile friends! But, do others realize that? I don't think they do.

I wish I could let go of this. I need to. When do we know to let it go?

The day after

I have not cried yet. Am really just stunned right now.

Th reason an email was part of this is because I could not hear the words "negative" again. I told the coordinator to email me with a negative and call with a positive.

The email did not get lost. She never emailed me. This has happened repeatedly since we started the donor egg process. I wouldn't hear from her and she would always blame it on email getting lost, etc..

The coordinator was off yesterday, the IVF nurses called her and she never emailed me, plain and simple. There is NO WAY someone has THAT many email issues.

Just settled in with a gin & tonic...after having to mop the floor and shower after the tonic water EXPLODED all over me and the kitchen!

Gin do your work....

Negative

The coordinator must have been contacted or got my scathing email. She just emailed me how sorry she is that I DID NOT GET HER EMAILS. She is effing LYING.

BFN. What else would I expect from that place.

Good luck everyone on your journeys.

The RE Did Not Call With Results

Yep, you read it right.

They never bothered to contact me. I called the medical exchange and talked to the main GYN who happened to be on-call. He said the DE coordinator was out today and that the IVF nurses must have "missed the fax". So I am supposed to endure another effing PIO in the morning only to get bad news as soon as someone bothers to call me in the morning. I mean, seriously, if it was a "positive" don't we all think someone...a janitor....might call me?

Ivan is FURIOUS!!!

I am sick to my stomach with sadness and anger and disappointment.

When this is all said and done I will be outing this clinic on my blog.

CD 26 7DP5DT

Went to bed again last night with an aching groin/uterus/bladder. I am not sure what it means but it's, well...strange. Lying in bed last night while my bladder was cramping I was thinking "holy crap, what if this worked?". I started talking to Frosty in my head, asking him to hold on. Silly, huh?

My big issue today? THIRST. I cannot rid my mouth of this "thirsty" feeling. Water, water and more water which means lots of peeing, peeing and more peeing. Ugh. I just want to sit here under my warm blanket watching We*eds on Net*flix and not move.

The beta is tomorrow at 8AM and I am terrified beyond measure. I don't want The Call. I can't hear bad news again... I just can't! I would HONESTLY rather keep plugging along until it was obvious that I was P or not P. Waiting on that call is cruel, cruel torture. I have JUST enough PIO for tomorrow morning's dose, up until today refusing to order more. And then, in a thirst-crazed moment this morning I panicked about the off-chance that i need it for Saturday morning and Free*dom doesn't get it here until Noon? I spent the $30 and ordered more.

Will report back how awful tomorrow morning's "stick" is.

Blogger Award

Beautiful Blogger Award













Heather over at BigPandMe nominated me. Thank you, Heather. I will try to follow through appropriately.

The rules of this award are:

•Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
•Copy the award and place it in your blog.
•Link the person who nominated you for this award.
•Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
•Nominate 7 bloggers.
•Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.


7 Things About Me (interesting or not)

1. I cannot tolerate tomato seeds or tomato skins in my food.

2. I never, ever tell people outside of the IF community how much infertility has altered who I am or how much it has scarred me.

3. Sweet decaf iced tea is my favorite drink. I suck it down all day long like a junkie.

4. One of my daughters was diagnosed with ADD and I cannot express how this impacts our lives. This "issue" is with us daily as we strive to keep her on-task, organized, up to snuff socially. She is super smart so people just don't "get it" when she forgets to turn in assignments or cannot function very well socially. I would cut off an appendage to make her brain free of this. I love her beyond comprehension and her struggles rip my heart out. Dealing with this is 100x worse than the pain of IF.

5. Cream-filled chocolate. That's all I want for Valentine's Day each year. No truffles. No nut-filled whatever. No flowers. No dinner out at a fancy restaurant. Just assorted cream-filled chocolates.

6. I love to research dog breeds and DSLR cameras.

7. I am terrified of Friday's results.

A few beautiful blogs (there are so many more):

Jenicini@Trying To Get Knocked Up..
IVF40+
Eileen@We Got Hitched
Rachel @ Henry Street
My Endo Journey
BeeCee@Definition of Insanity
MusicMakerMomma

CD 25 - D6P5DT

Hey all. Not much to report.

Went to bed with horrid indigestion...again. This time I had some mild cramping...again. My bladder seemed "annoyed" b/c I felt like I needed to pee but my bladder was empty. Also had some mild pain near my vul*va...aching sort of. The kind of aching you have when you have a terrible period.

Today very aware of BB's. I "feel" them in my bra...does that make sense?

Also, I have a "yawn" stuck in the back of my throat. I don't know how else to describe it. Some kind of awareness in the back of my throat. I remember having this two years ago with our BFP(mc).

I am tired, tired, tired.

None of this suggests much more than PIO side effects.

Beta Friday morning (which is actually two days earlier than it should be and the reason why I am able to hold out and NOT POAS).

CD 24 - D5 post 5DT

Nothing to report. I was nominated for an award by Heather at BigPandMe but that post is a draft for now while I find time to finish it (b/c I need to nominate other bloggers)! Thanks, Heather...i will post soon!

I have horrid indigestion b/c of the PIO. Damned evil stuff!! I took my Pre*vacid but it's not helping. Very emotional. Really want a glass of port and will be SO PISSED if the beta is negative and I deprived myself the soothing smoothness of red wine. Pissed, I tell you!!

I dreamed about Frosty last night. He was a "she" and she had brown hair and I was so happy to have her in my arms.

BTW, there is NO WAY I am peeing on a stick...out of the question! I will never, ever see a negative pee stick again.

CD 23, Day 4 Post 5DT

PIO is evil.

I started cramping again yesterday afternoon and was miserable. The only thing I can say is that PIO can really play with your body. My digestion is messed up, I am bloated and achy.

Today I am very crabby and tired. Major hunger.

Nothing much else to share. Just taking it easy this week.

ICLW Welcome! 2AM Cramping - D3P5DT

Hi all. Welcome to ICLW. DH and I had a blast transfer on Thursday and will have a Beta on Friday the 26th. This is our last attempt with IVF or any kind of ART.

So strange. At 2AM last night (7DPO) I awoke to uterine cramping. It sent me scurrying to the bathroom. There was no spotting (not sure there could be with the PIO).

On our fresh cycle in November I had the exact same cramping on 7DPO in the middle of the night. Of course, that ended in a BFN.

What is this? You would assume some kind of implantation cramping but with the previous BFN that seems unlikely unless in Nov something started out and then promptly stopped.

Has anyone had implantation cramping?

Has anyone had this same type of cramping and then a BFN?

I am thinking it's nothing except my body reacting to all of the PIO and transfer, etc. Sigh.

*Update* the anxiety is officially building. I am on the verge of tears. Now that I am outside of that post transfer window where you don't have to worry about symptoms I am overcome with sadness. With each new day I will obsess (whether I want to or not) about symptoms and the lack thereof, etc. PIO is so freakin' evil b/c it mimics every pregnancy symptom there is. And I don't want to look for the symptoms, I want to ignore this entire thing. I don't want to be devastated on Friday but it's inevitable.

Blast on Board

At noon on Thursday our little blast was transferred. He thawed beautifully and picked right back up where he left off, expanding nicely. They performed assisted hatching upon thawing b/c it was easy to do with the cells still dehydrated. And, like last time, they used embryo glue. My stenotic cervix was easy to pass through so no issues there. I have the day to myself to just relax and watch movies while I "rest".

This time around I almost cried before the transfer. Not only is this the last time we will ever visit the RE but I also didn't want to be putting myself in this position of pain again. I really am not having a pity party! You just become more realistic after enough disappointments....ya know? I am not at all dreamy or excited this time (our fourth transfer). I am going to be ready to move on one way or the other. Thank goodness the test is relatively soon, next Friday. It's a few days earlier than normal due to the weekend. Because of the early testing the RE DE coordinator told me to expect a low beta *if* we conceive.

I can't help but be in awe of the fact that a human blastocyst is in my uterus...it's surreal. I have only had 3 day 8 cells transferred before. For ONCE an embryo is in there when it's supposed to be! Thinking of all the possibility he has is really inspiring. He should start hatching today...I wonder if he will like what he finds?

The heating pad is my friend

I cannot tell you what a difference it makes to:

(1) Heat the PIO vial next to your body prior to injection

(2) Heat injection site with a heating pad before AND after the injection.

A *world* of difference!

Frosty gets transferred on Thursday morning. I just want him on-board once and for all.

9+ lining but there is no joy

Yep, beautiful lining and an "excellent excellent" blast waiting for us and yet I can muster zero enthusiasm.

It's official, ART has finally broken me. Normally I would be excited that my lining looks good and that our FET is next week. Sadly, I am numb to the entire process. I had to put on a fake happy face for my GYN who did the ultrasound.

You all know what I mean about the thrill of excitement when you start a new cycle. With each injection, blood draw, ultrasound, etc., we are in control (for once) of our fertility...we are actively working to set the stage for a pregnancy. With every month of TTC and then the six IUI's, our first IVF, FET, second IVF, I had such a surge of energy that "this time could be the time". With every cycle all systems were "go", everything looked "good" and yet we had nothing but disappointment every time.

This is not a pity post. Just a sad realization that the up and down of it all has finally removed any sense of joy or hope for this process.

PIO starts tomorrow. FET on Thursday 2-18.

Ultrasound and Bloodwork Tomorrow

At the end of my estro*gen road. It has not been nearly as happy as it was in October. I have been in a mild state of depression since our BFN and am a little scared what the end of the month will bring.

Lab and ultrasound tomorrow. If my lining and numbers look good, we will proceed to PIO Saturday morning and our FET next week.

Hanging on to my red thread to Frosty. This will be the first blastocyst to be placed into my uterus. Ever.

Hold on Frosty, we are about to thaw you and see what kinda get-up-and-go you are made of.

Please, please fight.