No tears yet. Still stunned and bewildered.
Ivan said the funniest thing last night...
"yeah, we could do it again but I am not giving *that clinic* any more money".
As in he might be willing to give ANOTHER clinic some of our money.
(((choke on my G&T)))
So I pull up another clinic two hours west (that does NOT contract with my GYN) and they have a listing of their egg donors on their website. You can only see basic info and must have a PW to get more info. Ivan actually walked over to my PC and looked at few with me...
Ummm...while doing this again is my absolute heart's desire, I cannot rationalize it. It feels selfish and indulgent. When do you say "enough is enough"?
Can I share one of my heartbreaking fears of never being pregnant? My fear is that some day, when my precious daughters are pregnant, I won't be "in the club" with them...they won't feel like I "get it". Does that make sense?
You see....I count each time a family member or friend is finally done birthing babies. I cross them off my list with a sigh of relief. Whew, don't have to host another baby shower for her...I don't have to listen to her gushing pregnancy comments ever again...thank god I don't have to see her beautiful bulging belly any longer. And it goes on and on.
But there is always one more person pregnant...it never ends! And how will it feel to go through pregnancies with my girls? Will they see me as a valid "giver of advice"? Let's be clear folks, we IFers know more about being pregnant than most of our fertile friends! But, do others realize that? I don't think they do.
I wish I could let go of this. I need to. When do we know to let it go?
16 hours ago