Award

How fun to add this to my blog on a Monday...great way to kick off the week!

Thanks Mai!

450+ miles later...

Whew, what a whirlwind day.

Drove three hours. Waited 90 mins to see RE. Visited with RE about the DE program. Had 4 tubes of blood drawn. Waited again for them to find some paperwork the now on-vacation nurse left for me. Drove another three hours home.

No BCP tonight. Start estrogen patches in the morning, PIO in two weeks, endometrial biopsy on Sep 25 to see how I respond. Should start active cycle in October after vacation!

Hopefully I took my last BCP for 10 months or so!

23 gauge intramuscular needles...does a soul good

The package arrived this morning. PIO, patches and syringes. Ivan will have to watch a video to remember how to measure for the PIO.

With our first cycle I felt so empowered with all of the injections. For once I had some sort of control over my body and it's baby making capabilities.

I dug out the old paperwork. When they retrieved MY eggs two years ago they got 13 eggs and we only ended up with 5 embryos. Transferred the best 3 and froze the last 2. No baby.

Looking forward to getting this started. RE appt tomorrow, patches start Saturday to start growing my endometrium. Anxious to see how my endo reacts to the estrogen.

First Free*dom Pharmacy Order!

They just called to verify my order for estro*gen patches and PIO for the mock cycle. Isn't it crazy how excited it makes me that a package of several-inch-long syringes will arrive at my doorstep tomorrow morning? :)

There is so much emotion with this process. The last several nights I have had trouble sleeping. There are so many emotions running through me. The fear that it won't work and SO MUCH MONEY is gone. The fear that it will work and I will miscarry and end up more scarred than I already am by infertility. The fear that a healthy baby will arrive and we will be parenting a newborn in our early 40's. You just can't get away from the anxiety, can you?

I really do *trust* that what ever happens is the path meant for me. If it fails I can at least turn 50 (in a decade) and know that I really tried my best by pulling out all the stops...including 21 year old donor eggs!

The sweetest thing...potentially heartbreaking

So Ivan has insisted for two years that he is "good"...his life is complete. Supportively, he is going on this adventure again for ME. Don't get me wrong, he LOVES babies, he LOVES his daughters. But, a lot is on his shoulders already and, as the sole breadwinner, he has felt fine with life as is.

As we move closer to our active cycle, I see a new twinkle in his eye. He loved to joke saying "what have I gotten myself into" after I told him the odds are definitely on our side since our egg donor is only 21. It has been fun watching him get excited about the opportunity to parent a baby again.

Yesterday I got a text from Ivan that was quite unexpected. The text said, "what about (insert name) for a girl?". I almost fell over in the grocery store. Was this a joke, was there another meaning to this? Turns out, he really thought the name would be nice if we have another girl. Blogdom, this is the hugest thing and it is also something that makes my heart very, very sad. What if my body does not follow through with this project? Egg Donor is going to provide us with beautiful, young eggs. Ivan is going to provide his famously healthy swimmers. Together they will no doubt create some kick @ss embryos. But what if my body does not do its part? The name he suggested in that loving text will haunt me the rest of my life if it doesn't work.

Come on AshPash uterus, you have the job of a lifetime coming up!

ICLW

I am new to this "ICLW" concept. I like it.

My journey to children is pretty much covered over =====>> to the right. Currently I am parenting two beautiful daughters. From the time I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mom...I wanted to adopt and I also wanted to be pregnant "when I grew up". The mom part has been fulfilled...it's the best job ever. The adopting part has been covered...twice...each time a miracle. Alas, I am not yet "complete". The problem is that IVF just keeps calling my name...and it turned into a full-on scream once I turned 40. After our last IVF failed (age 38), I knew I wanted to try again with donor eggs. It took two years to take the leap. Ivan (the dear husband) has slowly come around - the crappy economy did not help in pursuading him! He is fully on board now and it downright excited. He is somewhat in denial about the cost but is ready to do this nonetheless.

Next Friday I will meet with our RE to discuss the donor egg IVF process. While there our RE will check my endometrium. If it's nice and thin, I will start my "mock cycle" to make sure my lining responds appropriately to estrogen/pregesterone. In mid-October we should begin our active cycle with embies on board in time for All Saints Day!

I am encouraged to read the successes in blogland...and humbled by the losses. Following your stories keeps me afloat...and sane. I am here to cheer on and support each of you.

The Donor

She is excited and ready to cycle! She expressed her sincere interest in helping us "succeed" at this. That made me smile. We get the ball rolling very soon.

IVF Meds Don't Bother Me...

I keep reading blogs about dreaded PIO and evil Lup*ron and horrible Clo*mid. I have been on all of those and cannot say they affect me one way or the other! What is wrong with me? Of course, PIO sucks because of that damn needle as long as your hand but otherwise I can't say it causes any horrible side affects. My ovaries/uterus respond appropriately but I don't have negative side effects. No wonder I like IVF so much.

I can't wait for the needles to begin! I have been craving IVF needles since our IVF MC two years ago! Yes, AshPash is a little sick in the head! :)

We have a schedule!

My mock cycle will start in two weeks. B/c I am on BCP's perpetually for endo, the lining of my uterus stays very thin. If my lining is indeed thin when I go in next week, we will start the following day on the mock cycle (exciting b/c we thought I would need to start a period to get started but it may not be necessary to wait on a period)!

The mock cycle begins with me going off BCP's and starting estrogen patches. After two weeks I will have a transvag to check my uterine lining. If the lining increases in thickness then the PIO's begin! After ten days I have will have endometrial biopsy to make sure my lining responded appropriately to the meds. If the lining looks good, we will move on to the active cycle with our donor!

Reading Blogs

I have so many other things to be doing but I cannot stop reading other IVF blogs.

RE donor egg coordinator is preparing a schedule for us. We should do our mock cycle in September and the real deal by the end of October, early November.

Massage during IVF

With our last IVF cycle two years ago I went for accu*puncture before and on the day of our transfer. I did conceive but had an early miscarriage. Looking back, I don't know why I did the accu*puncture b.c it was not relaxing for me at all. I don't like needles (who does?) and remember being anxious that I was going to hit one if I moved a muscle!

This time around I want to go for massages in the weeks leading up to our IVF cycle and also during the 2WW. There is NOTHING better than a massage for relaxation! I thought I would schedule weekly 30 min massages and therefore be able to go more often (I would feel pretty guilty about several 60 minute massages).

Has anyone else done this or heard of it as being beneficial during IVF? It certainly can't hurt.

And the check is in the mail

The stamp went on the envelope earlier this morning...an envelope containing a check written for a painfully large amount. Even though my first RE appt for this cycle is not for two weeks we needed to mail a check to reserve our donor choice. As quickly as donors are being chosen at our RE office, I felt like I should get it mailed this weekend.

One more step in the process complete.

Donor and Back-up Chosen

Just emailed our RE donor coordinator with our donor choice and a back-up.

Exciting stuff!

I think we have chosen a donor!

Okay, so this time around (two years after our first IVF using my eggs) I have this humble sense of peace about our cycle. It 's as if showing too much enthusiasm will jinx us. I am so excited that I am calm...does that make sense?

Today's reason to be freakishly calmly enthusiastic: I think we have chosen a donor!

It feels like it happened really fast. Has anyone chosen a donor within just a week or so? Our RE has "x" donors meeting our preferred criteria and we really like one of them over all the rest. She feels right for several reasons. Were we supposed to take weeks and weeks to do this? I guess I don't think we should obsess too much over the donor. If she is fertile, healthy and meets even just a few physical characteristics we prefer, I figure why keep looking, yes?

Why do I feel indulgent?

While it's completely natural to want to experience a pregnancy and parent a baby I have such a sense of guilt about it. Donor egg IVF comes with a whopping price tag! I was explaining to Ivan last night that I just can't ignore this intense desire to attempt another IVF. It's like a deep calling that I can't ignore and feel like I shouldn't ignore. But, why does it make me feel indulgent and selfish? I think there has to be more to it than that and I was trying to explain it last night. For starters, my girls are old enough to benefit from sharing in a pregnancy experience with us...they would sincerely enjoy following all of the stages, going to doctor visits, etc. My youngest is desperate to be a big sister...she would positively blossom in that role. And what about this life we would be creating that would never exist otherwise? I know he or she would bless this earth with his/her talents. It has has been gnawing at me, this desire to try IVF again. Maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better by suggesting there are higher power hands in the matter. What ever the source of the tunnel-vision-drive to see this through, I am overcome with humble joy that it is happening again.

GYN Visit...the ball is starting to roll

Went to my GYN yesterday. He did a transvag b/c I have had pain on my left side. Sure enough I have a cyst. I grow cysts on my ovaries even while taking the pill continously. Figures. It hurt a lot more a few weeks ago so it must have been quite a bit larger than it is now (5mm yesterday). We will just let it clear on its own. It is definitely NOT an endometrioma as the fluid is clear.

Appt has been made with RE for August 28. I was hoping to get in sooner but need to trust the timing of all this. RE office is an almost 4 hour drive for me so I can't just pop in any time, hence an appt two weeks out.

The goal is to have an actice cycle by the end of October. I hope that can happen as I want this over before the holidays.

I will need to visit with the RE about the donor egg program (28th appt). After that we will do a mock cycle where I am given estro*gen and pro*gesterone. They will check the growth of my endometrium and also do a mock transfer through my tricky cervix.

If I pass the mock cycle then I will go on Lup*ron to await the start of an active cycle. To make this all more tricky, we are going on vacation in early October!

One issue up in the air is would I benefit from a lap to "clean up" my pelvis due to any endo that is growing. I don't really have pain per se. During my recent annual pap my GYN did an exam and I did not have any painful areas.

Here we go....again

Two years after our IVF miscarriage we are again considering throwing our hats into the donor egg IVF ring. I am now 40 years old and actually don't at all mind going with donor eggs...just wish it didn't cost more.

Have an appt with my GYN next week to see if I should have a lap done before getting started. I am confident there is endo in there again. It's not like the nasty stuff just suddenly disappears. Sigh.

Does anyone have experience with endo and IVF whose RE has indicated that doing a "clean up" of the endo would help with the IVF results? With donor IVF we won't be tapping my ovaries, however, I wonder if the chemicals emitted from adhesions impair implantation? The RE nurse did not seem to think it matters.

Enjoying catching up on your blogs.