Still no answers

Well fellow IFers, no answers here yet. Waiting on the period. We have not even discussed "what is next".

After the let-down of Tuesday and the tremendous bout of crying I got to do it all over again Weds when I learned that our lovely neighbor and mother of Goose's best friend died after an aortic aneurism. She was only in her early 40's, a pharmacist, mother to three daughters and a lovely, lovely woman.

This is not a good time for decision making.

Good luck to everyone...I will try to keep up with your blogs in the coming weeks.

For now I am going back on the pill until we make a decision.

Make it a double scoop?

Okay, well I finally "got it all out" yesterday...I had to stay strong b/c Ivan called a few times from work upon receiving my email. He was sad but more sad for ME so I had to hold it together. Let me just say that crying until you are on the verge of vomiting can be quite cleansing.

Here I sit. Tapping my foot as I ponder the future. Of course, I am still under the spell of progesterone b/c this evil stuff is not out of my system yet but I (we) do have some decisions to make. Where do we go from here? I have always prided myself in following my instincts so I am hoping once my cycle starts again and I am living on "normal" hormones, I can tap into those instincts and find my way.

* Do we try another IVF even though going into this I swore one cycle was it?

* Do I have a lap to clean up endo and we try on our own and that will be that?

* Do we adopt again?

* Do we stop and decide that enough is enough, enjoy life with our two and go to Europe on the money not spent on another cycle?

It's my age. My blasted age is what led to all of this silliness. Before now, I kept putting it off but now I have to face this monster staring me in the mirror...my chance for having a pregnancy is slowly but surely fading and I am afraid if I don't keep trying, I will regret it for the rest of my life. Honestly, ONE MORE IVF would *TRULY*, *TRULY* be IT. I cannot say that with enough emphasis. But, maybe we should not even go THAT far. Perhaps we should adopt again. Or perhaps we should just focus on the healthy children we have and move on with life.

The lingering problem here is that "positive" from the first cycle...the pregnancy that pooped out. It was like getting an ever so slight lick of the ice cream cone. As I went in for that first taste, someone moved the cone and I was only allowed a bit of its essence. The sweetness on the tip of my tongue was amazing. Sadly, it was gone before I could truly enjoy it in all its glory. I am grateful I got to taste at all but oh the yearning it left.

That sweet taste lingers in my soul. I have my nose pressed against the glass, peering in at the flavors awaiting me and I so badly want to order a double scoop on a sugar cone.

Do I walk away and enjoy the other treats life offers me or do I jump head-first into another one of those delectible cones? Because let's face it folks, the ice cream won't stay frozen much longer.

And, if I do belly up to the counter, will I even get a taste the next time?

That progesterone is a bugger

RENurse just called.

Negative.

We did not achieve a pregnancy.

12 hours to beta - 10dp3dt

Well, it's been a pretty down-in-the-dumps afternoon.

You see, at noon I decided foolishly to pee on a stick. Yeah, uh huh. It was negative. So to Dr. Google I ran. I found blog after blog of people having a negative hpt at 10dp3dt only to have a positive beta the next day. I have been somewhat buoyed by that.

Something happened at dinner, though. I cheered up sitting there with my doting Ivan and my darling Goose and Lili. While tomorrow will be sad, getting bad news "officially", I feel more at peace tonight. I feel beaten and battered and (tonight at this very moment) I just want to move on with life.

Right now I still feel nauseous and icky which is no doubt from the mild migraine I got today. I started seeing squigglies at 1PM or so and then the headache hit. The bb's are quite large compared to their normal size. Still feel like I am peeing way more than normal and I am very thirsty, dry throat. There were the strange pelvic pains today as well. But, hey, the pee stick said no!

I will post tomorrow as soon as I know something.

36 hours to beta

Whew...what a progesterone monster I have been this weekend. Honestly, I have tried to distance myself from folks so they haven't been exposed to the full throttle of my easily brought-on wrath. Ivan has been SO very sweet to me. He always is sweet but to be so nice when I am so crabby...that is a real man.

Ivan and I bought a PPV movie last night. You know, sometimes a good old fashioned scary movie is just really fun! Well, I bought and TiVo'd our movie and we snuggled up around 9PM to watch it. We picked the WRONG MOVIE! Fifteen mins into it I had to delete it. It was terrifying! At one point Ivan said, "oh, I can't be watching this!". As we age do we lose our tolerance for scary movies? It got so bad that I felt like any implanted embryos were in danger for their very survival! The movie was "The Mes*sengers" and if you like to be horrified, go ahead and rent it! It's not scary, it's horrifying.

One of the best scary flicks we ever saw was "The Oth*ers" (with Nicole Kidman). Oh my gosh, if you have not seen it, I highly suggest renting it. It's scary but not "send your embryos running for your cervix" scary.

Also this weekend we bought Halloween costumes. The girls and I are going to be "vampiresses" this year and Ivan was undecided about his costume. He said something about being a....pilot....he IS a pilot but okay, hon, whatever you want to "dress up" as! :) I couldn't help but wonder about any potential changes in my body five weeks from now when I will be wearing said costume.

Symptoms....the arse is quite sore beyond measure. Those shots really start to add up. My cheeks and hips hurt with every step. My bottom feels HUGE and my BB's feel huge. I am an "A" cup and am very aware of my boobs this weekend. How do you big busted women do it? Ack! My jeans are tight...typical bloating.

Late this afternoon I got a sour stomach and that "vomit-y" feeling after eating. Who knows. Progesterone slows digestion so it could just be that.

Here is a question I have for all of you....does progesterone have a cumulative effect as we take it? We have a set dose each day...same amount. Do any potential symptoms start right away or does it slowly build up to bring on the symptoms? I would think you would have the symptoms from day 1 upon starting it. My heavy boobs did not start until Thurs or Friday...the same says I noticed them being heavier with IVF 1 and I was pregnant at that point. Or, does it take the progesterone ten days to build and start causing the symptoms? I would love to know! Please chime in. My only experience was the last cycle.

I SO want to be released from this hell. Thank goodness that beta time is almost here! I honestly don't know what the result will be...it could go either way.

I needed that whistle

So I was walking to my vehicle in the WM parking lot this morning and would have sworn I heard a sort of "cat call" coming from a passing mini van that had the driver window down. Nah, that wasn't for ME, I thought. Then, while loading my items into my 4R the same van drives by and this time the male driver whistled! HA! It's pretty pathetic when you are so low due to the 2ww that a pathetic guy in a MINI VAN can boost your day with his whistle! Yes, I am headed to pathetic-ville folks. Sad but true.

I took three Ty*lenol today to head-off any headache that might try to attack me this afternoon. Yesterday's headache turned into a migraine that had me practically moaning myself to sleep by bed time.

Today I am dealing with a mild headache, constant urge to pee and crampiness, bloating, larger BB's. All of these things are no doubt from the progesterone and it occurred to me...AHA...also caused by my effing endo! I am sure that prog has the endo just raging away in there.

This 2WW has been especially excrutiating and I don't know why. I hate it for all of us...that we have to go through it and often are disappointed in the end.

Nurse says too early for symptoms

Well, this is throwing me for a loop.

I emailed RENurse about my symptoms b/c I wanted to verify that I could take acetemenophen for the headaches...I really hate to take anything unless absolutely necessary.

She emailed back that she has never seen my "combination" of symptoms (gag reflex feeling, peeing a lot, nausea, hot/cold flashes, headache,) WTF?? and that it's too early for HCG triggered symptoms any way.

Okay, so it sounds like I am losing my effing mind then!

Can anyone on this ridiculous planet tell me why, if this is a "bug", it only seems to come in the afternoons?

Does the progesterone build up and cause weird-o symptoms at some point?

Not only is my HEAD ACHING like a sonofabitch and my stomach nauseated but now I am pissed off....just pissed in general that feeling this bad means NOTHING related to pregnancy (or so I am being told).

EFF YOU ENTIRE IVF PROCESS!! Girls, I am starting to "lose it". I can't do this again. Ever. Nope. Paperchasing to China or Vietnam is a process you are in control of...and there is a child at the end of all the craziness!!! I don't give a rat's a$$ about my DNA...other than passing on my ability to eat to my heart's delight and not gain an ounce, I have nothing special to pass on to anyone. Raising someone else's DNA is fine with me. Yes, I desperately want this to work...I so very much do. I want to experience pregnancy more than I want a "bio" child. But I don't want pregnancy badly enough to play the mind games...it takes over your life and I want my life back!

What I would give for a cold alcoholic beverage right now. Let me promise this, Internet, if the beta is negative, I will be tying one on like never before.

Care to join me?

Symptom Update:
Really, really crampy now. If this were any other cycle I would say "I am about to start my period". But, we all know the PIO prevents that. So, can someone please explain the cramping? Yes, I, TOO, would like to knock me in the head, rendering me comatose until Tuesday morning.

7dp3dt - 10dpo

What a horrid night. I went to bed at 9:15pm.

I was up to pee at 10:15, 11:20, midnight and then another few times but I did that in my sleep pretty much. Suffice it to say it was a bad night. I could feel blood pulsing throughout my body...like one big heartbeat.

The PIO hurt like hell this morning b/c I think we hit a never or something. The pain has been shooting down my hip all the way to my ankle! Like yesterday, I am taking today "off" from life...I have decided to "check out" until the beta...that means I have been sitting on the couch watching A Ba*by Story. This is NOT my usual behavior...unless a national disaster has occurred, Pash does not have the TV on during the day...EVER!

Within the last ten mintues, the nausea has started and the headache is here along with a feeling of being hot. I can feel my heart beating in my ears....could this be from my relative inactivity?

Goose has to do chores at the barn tonight and I usually help lifting 50# feed bags, bales of hay, etc.. Geez, not only am I not supposed to lift but I doubt I will feel like driving there let alone HELPING. Ugh.

Beta is TUESDAY, Sept 25, 8AM.

Yes, I will pee on a stick but not until Sunday at the earliest and only if these strange symptoms keep up. I have seen enough negative pee sticks in my life...I don't need even ONE more! I love hearing from you...thanks for the encouragement.

Feeling strange

6dp3dt - (9 days post "ovulation")

It is probably the PIO but I am not feeling well this afternoon.

I feel "unsettled", short of breath, hot then cold, tired, peeing a lot, mild headache off and on (have not had headaches in ages), weak. BB's fuller but not sore.

Like I said, PIO most likely but documenting any changes just in case.

Update: Perhaps I have gotten a badly timed bug? Ack. Hot flashes, sick to my stomach, blech...really sick to my stomach. Very unsettled.

Update 2:
Yep, something it happening. I either have a bug or there is something more long-term ((wink, wink)) going on. Constantly yawning, very sour stomach, peeing constantly. Still having hot then cold flashes. And, I seem to be a bit crampy. Not hard cramps, just crampy-ish. Saliva to the point of my mouth being "frothy". Tried to nap but a bad headache woke me. It's not one of my migraine-type headaches...it's different. Geez, what else could it be? I really don't want to be fooling myself and I think it's way too early to test. If I had to classify this, I would say "it's how I felt in July".

The pee, the tiredness and the hunger

Okay, PIO is a strange beast. For one thing, I have absolutely zero reactions to it. Even the physical introduction of the needle and the slow administration of the thick oil into my arse is not even painful! (I am tellin' ya..stand with your toes pointed in).

It's the side effects...

For one, the pee. Egads, the pee smells so funny! I remember when I had my miscarriage and we stopped the PIO...I actually missed the smell. Oh, we IVFers are a funny lot, yes? Beyond the strange smelling urine, there is the extreme tired that hits around noon...it's intense and has led to more than one nap for AshPash. Lastly, there does not seem to be enough food in the county to feed me. Food is constantly being crammed into my mouth. And in large amounts.

Okay, symptoms, where are you? Calling all symptoms!

5dp3dt

And, of course, no symptoms or hint of anything. Too early.

I remember last time I had very full bb's on Thursday following the transfer but that could have been from the plethora of meds used up to that point...Lup*ron, Gon*al-F, PIO, etc..

Last night I told Ivan that I don't think it worked. How could it? How could THREE celled embies transferred on day 3 actually make it? (Yes, that is an invitation to email your uplifting stories that include such humble embies). I am just thinking that an embie at three cells really doesn't want to be in my uterus....as stellar and accomodating as I believe it is...I really think my embies would have rather been in the tube on day 3.

Yesterday I was really, really down. I admit to a little crying jag. I KNOW it's the PIO making me hormonal...that is a huge part of it. Last night, all of a sudden, my attitude changed...I felt uplifted. Not sure why. A sense of peace came over me.

Today? Same sense of peace. Hmmm. I am a toe-tappin' nervous wreck but, hey, I am peaceful!

Any words of wisdom? I so very much dislike the w a i t.

My fairy tale wait

Well, the bedrest is officially over. However, Ivan still insists I "take it easy". I am taking Goose to see her pony this afternoon and he made me promise "not to do anything big...no lifting...do you promise?"

This feeling I have now...I remember it from the last transfer. It's like a little fairy tale world I am living in. When regular ol' life creeps in, I remind myself of the six cells of wonder sitting in my uterus, pondering their future, trying to decide if they like it well enough to stick around. I go back and forth between cautious excitement and accepting defeat.

The thing is...it DID work last time. I conceived. I experienced the symptoms of pregnancy. However short it was, I experienced it. I guess I just can't imagine it would work again. I feel like that was our shot.

While I would desperately love to start to get that same funny gag feeling in the back of my throat next weekend, it's hard to imagine we could beat the odds again.

Numbers aside, to honor what we have done, to honor what "they" are, our little beginning cells of life, I will keep that dreamy feeling this week....will keep snapping myself back into my little fairy tale world....a world where the six cells should have multiplied into so much more and should be breaking free of their shells, exploring the lush home awaiting them. I will let peaceful, hopeful music pour over me and keep my buoyed in this place of wishful dreamy thoughts...considering what could be.

What will be?

This may be the death of me.....

Tickets go on sale this morning at 10AM for HM. My back-up plan backfired when an out of state uncle was going to get them at his TM booth (no lines at his booth) but we learned that only residents of my state can buy tickets to this concert.

So, here I am frantically creating TM accounts for Ivan and me. The ticket max is four tickets so we will see who gets the best tickets on their perspective laptops.

Am I really supposed to be relaxing? My heart is racing as I prepare to out-click thousands of other people! :O

NINE MINUTES!

==============================

UPDATE:
I was at the site at THE moment the tickets went on sale and never could get any. It's very hard for me to believe that they went that fast. Within seconds? Can someone "in the know" please tell me how so many tickets ended up on the sites of other ticket sellers...the ones who sell them for way over face value?

I am so disappointed for my Goose and Lili. They probably won't care as much as I do.

To put it all into perspective....this morning I spoke with my friend who moved to India over the summer. She told me about a little girl she sees on the street every day. The child has leprosy.

Enough said.

The two embryos that could...

We are home from our FET.

Both embies thawed!

When they were frozen in July, they were 4-celled "goods". Upon thawing this morning, they were 3 cells each and now deemed "good excellent".

Apparently it is common for them to lose one cell after being frozen. RENurse and the Embryologist said this was fine.

Embie1 and Embie2 were transferred to their new home at noon CST.

I had a wonderful acupuncture appt before the transfer and went back for a another treatment after the transfer.

Do you see that interesting thing on my belly? It's a wooden herb box. The Chinese herbs were heated and smelled wonderful.

My endometrium was a 10 and the transfer went beautifully. To my great delight, it was not necessary to force my cervix open like the last transfer. (I have a stenotic cervix). I was already worrying about blood getting on the catheter and entering the uterus which can cause implantation problems. It was smooth sailing through AshPash's cervix...woohoo...that catheter cruised right on through without incident! :)

And now my peaceful weekend awaits me.

We forgot the PIO

Upon waking, I felt a surge of excitement...PIO DAY!! At no other time in my life have I relished the thought of injections but these thing pump me up!

As Ivan was leaving for work, I was getting the girls settled with breakfast and when I told him to have a good day, I felt a pang of...something....I was needing to tell him something but was forgetting what it was.....

Backing out of the drive with the gals this morning it hit me, "OH NO!!!". Ivan had to drive back home from work and we did the injection around 9AM. Whew, that was close. We were both shocked that we forgot something so important. :O

*********

Remembering that horrendous day six years ago.

Sending love and hugs to those of you who lost someone in your life on that tragic day.

XOXOXO

************

Happy 60th Birthday to my Mom!
Even though you know nothing about this blog! :)








************

Ever lost consciousness in Tar*get?

Well, me neither.

But, I ALMOST did!

After leaving Dr. Smile (my GYN) and my blood draw by my favorite phlebotomist, I drove to Tar*get. It took about ten mins to get there and not wanting to have that big ugly tape with the cotton ball on my arm, I took it off prematurely. Oops.

I was browsing through all of the joy that Tar*get has to offer and happened to look down at my arm. There was a knot under the skin the size of a large pea where the blood had been drawn. (((cringe))) It still makes me woozie. I said quite loudly, "oh no!" and started putting pressure on my arm...OUCH...le'metellya, that hurts!

The room got dark and the ear humming started. Whoa. It was close. I am sure they would have called an ambulance. Imagine the horror! Luckily, I made it through my little crisis and was walking around with a tissue jammed in the crook of my arm. To keep pressure on the site I smashed my arm up against my chest...which looked ridiculous, BTW. It would have been better to just leave the darned tape on!

RENurse called and my progesterone is 0.6...just where they want it. PIO starts tomorrow! I am looking forward to that injection! Go figure!

Hold on little embies....please thaw so you can meet your mother's uterus! Not only do I have some nice lush digs we are working on just for you, I am also really looking forward to my 48 hours of MANDATORY rest! Just me, my D*ell and some DVD's. Oh, and the new quilted bed topper I bought today. :) If you don't thaw, I guess I will be in bed all weekend any way (crying)....but I would much rather have you with me.

And thousands of dead brain cells later....

Okay, OKAY, I took on the goo.

I knew the scrubber set would just sit around for a week waiting to be returned any way so why not TRY to make this work. Because, let's face it, I might spend as much time STANDING IN A RETURN line as I would have peeling goo while listening to my iPod.

It started off last night with a soakfest in soapy water. The actual label came off easily enough once wet. But, the glue, egads, THE GLUE!

I got out the big guns..."Oops!" was the ammunition I needed. If you have never used this stuff, wow is it smelly. At first it sort of melted the glue and made it extra sticky...so much so that my fingers were covered in slimy ultra sticky glue that would not wash off! I left the now label-less but very sticky item and returned to slay the gooy beast this morning. After two more scrubbings - all the while killing precious brain cells from inhaling this concoction of chemical nastiness - and a rinsing, my bowl scrubber is goo-free and is finally sitting, sans label, next to the master toilet.

I knew this was keeping you up at night.

At least now when I go to pee on those sticks in a few weeks my toilet bowl will be sparkling clean!

I fed my children bugs

It was a few weeks ago and I certainly did not mean to! :O I made steamed broccoli for dinner. The gals were chowing down and Lili said "mom, there is something in my broccoli". Oh, Lili! I thought, there is nothing in your food!

Umm, yeah, about that.

There were bugs. Many, many BUGS in her broccoli. They were dead bugs which is almost worse. They got "steamed" along with the broccoli. And, people, she had already eaten half of it at the point she had noticed something was awry!

They were small but, upon closer inspection, clearly had legs and exoskeletons. I ran in to Ivan, "I just fed our children bugs!"...we both "oh noooo-ed" to each other and made faces that expessed what we felt...that perhaps our nominations for the Nobel Parenting Prize might now be in jeopardy!

Okay Blogdom, I see it in your faces....you are grimacing wondering why in the h$ll AshPash is trying to add another innocent child to the family when she cannot even properly clean broccoli. I know, I know, it sounds bad. Honestly, I DID wash said green vegetable in a stream of hot water.

Well, last night we had broccoli again. Imagine the high point of my mothering career when both daughters in unison sang, "mom, can we have the broccoli without the bugs this time?"

GAHHH!! Nice.

Sadly, they both seemed to have lost their taste for steamed broccoli and will forever be scarred by The. Bugs.

Yep, I bet those embryos can't wait to be thawed and transferred into *MY* womb!

One week to go

Well, I have four estrogen patches slapped onto my abdomen. FOUR! People, I don't have a whole lot of real estate. You have to move them around and use different spots and with FOUR it's hard to find a new spot that is still in the area around the belly button...heck maybe these things can go right up under the boobs but I don't think so. Having so many at once is getting uncomfortable. I am having some mild skin irritation and a few spots there is actual injury to the skin...the areas are like abrasions and it's quite itchy and ouchy.

BTW, I wanted to share with Blogdom that you do NOT want the larger Vi*velle patches...YOU WANT THE DOTS. The larger ones FALL OFF if you dare to sweat at all. Well, you know, I love to spend the day in front of my D*ell sharing life with you. But the reality is that AshPash gets sweaty! The barn we spend time at with our horse is HOT and sweat quickly follows when it's 99 and 50% humidity.

Monday morning is the ultrasound. I am concerned that I am growing an egg or will ovulate. They underestimated my ovaries once before and it can't happen... I need to get this behind me. I need closure on this. The way I am talking it sounds like we will be done with IVF. On *this* side of an FET, I can't say for sure where I will be emotionally. But at this point, I am thinking we will be done. Don't get me wrong, I love this process but I am not sure my head can throw more money at it. We shall see. The transfer is set for Fri 9-14. Right now I am just hoping our embies thaw alive and am SO looking forward to my 48 hours of rest! Woohoo! An excuse to lie around and do nothing! :)

Dear chemical dept buyer at Wal*Mart

It was a really simple need I had. The purchase of a new toilet bowl scrubber was actually at the rock bottom of my shopping list. Despite the low position on The List, however, each time I went to scrub a porcelain bowl I would wish for a new bowl scrubber with a base that held the nasty thing out of sight (pretty pathetic that my wishes have dropped to this level, dontyathink?). Well, yesterday, while shopping at my local WM, I happened to look over and there they were...a selection of scrubbers with bases offered at varying prices. Without hesitation I pushed my overly full cart right on over and selected the most expensive scrubber set they had...it was even a "deluxe" model.

Just now, in the midst of a budding housecleaning jag (which is annoyingly being interrupted to post about this issue) I took the plastic off of my newest (and admittedly not terribly glamorous) purchase. Immediately I was pleased with my new scrubber/base combination! The base has a little door that sort of pops open to allow the release of the brush but then when you don't need it, it's out of sight.

Happy camper AshPash is. Err, was.

All was right with the world until. I. Tried. To. Remove. The. Label.

The. Effing. Label.

It's stuck to the outside of the base as if the machine that slaps on the stickers was filled with su*per glue. Do they think the damned label has to survive a nuclear blast? I spent two minutes tearing off pieces of label none of which were any larger than a raisin. Oh no, no, sticker Gods, I have been down this road before! I REFUSE to spend my time peeling off a label that will no doubt leave a horrendous sticky residue and will require any number of products to get it off. Good lord, Wal*Mart buyers, I could spend that time eating the Halloween candy I bought yesterday (much too early for actual trick-or-treaters but that WAS your plan, yes?) or reading IVF blogs or, I don't know, maybe cleaning the toilets I bought the scrubber for!!

So, now, not only do I NOT have a new scrubber, I will have to stand in line to return a toilet bowl scrubber (nice!).

C'mon big box retailers...put more thought into your packaging because a woman in the middle of an IVF cycle is not someone to mess with! Lucky for you I am only hopped up on estrogen patches right now and not on Lup*ron!