How to choose a donor?

Well, if we do this again, it makes sense to go the donor route. I want to hear from others who have used donor eggs...what mattered to you most...proof of previous pregnancy from their eggs? Religious preference? Hair, eye color? Size? Particular skills or interests?

The main thing I would contribute to this genetic mix would be my size...slender and tall....do I try to stick with that? One of the donors I was given info on has EIGHT children she is raising! I would say that shows her eggs are pretty hearty!

Just wondering what others have considered.

Why is fertility wasted on people like this....

Skip the lengthy trial wasting taxpayer money. Tie them up and let them starve to death.

My Rating!

So, as I pass the time obsessing about whether to give donor eggs a go, I had my blog "tested" and here are the results:

Fast Payday Loans

Donor eggs?

Here we are about to end another year. No decisions have been made yet about doing another cycle let alone a decision on whose eggs to use! Based on the rates of success, I really want to go with do*nor eggs. I found this great article that I thought others might enjoy.

Caffeine is an evil b!tch

What a joy to check blogs and see that babies have been born to Sara and Watson...and many others I am sure...many congratulations to these new moms as they bask in the glory of mommying.

Let's see...since I last posted, I visited the lovely town of Las Ve*gas with some gal pals and my darling sister. Did we ever have fun! How I want to post photos but then my identity might be blown and I am painfully private. Sigh. Well, suffice it to say that we loved our time in Sin City with El*ton, Cirque du So*leil, the fantabulous For*um Shops, our night of boogying at "Pure", the craps tables and the many glorious meals we shared. The air is too damned dry and the smoke will just about kill ya but it was fun, fun and I hope to go back next year (with a humidifier tied around my neck).

Riding....still taking my lessons and enjoying my new saddle that fits my freakishly long femur and keeps me in my spot. We hauled our princely pony to a fox hunt over the weekend and Goose rode him while the rest of us drank port on the Tally-Ho wagon. Our pony is quite a confident little guy and got quite excited about the hunt. So much so that he left the second flight, passed the first flight, passed the huntmaster and was running with the hounds. How I LOVE THAT CREATURE. Goose was quite mad at her boy b/c he ignored her attempts at stopping him...we will work on that. (((love oozing from every pore for that pony & his partner Goose and for my Lilly who is now riding but is not ready for fox hunting))).

Caffeine....I went back on it for six weeks b/c I got hooked on McD's sweet tea. It was really just a way to soothe my soul I think...I needed to indulge in something. Well, it didn't last long....I am officially decaf again. That evil caffeine gives me headaches and makes me crabby and I have kissed it good-bye FOREVER.

The holidays....Thanksgiving day arrived with sadness in my heart b/c I was supposed to have a baby bump for Turkey Day. I am still mourning my embryos....does everyone do that? It's hard thinking of their potential and wondering why they left so soon.

The bubbling up baby flames are still there. I told Ivan we have to address this in the new year. He isn't saying no and is being quite light-hearted about it, playful almost.

My heart has not healed, the desire not reconciled...maybe we don't always have that luxury to heal or be at peace and I realize that. I am not "owed" peace in this life and must be careful not to indulge myself. B/c I am practical, I really think we should do donor eggs if we have another go at it. It just makes sense and would be a better use of the money.

If you have donor egg stories for me, feel free to post or email me to maintain your privacy: ashpash @ swbell.net.

Keep fighting friends. It has been a rough year, one I am ready to put behind me. Two lost friends, a pregnancy, a miscarriage, the tragic death of a barn horse, the potential loss of this pregnancy dream. I am looking forward to what the next year holds for me. Without a doubt, my life is already so blessed with my lovely little family, my two gifts-from-the-heavens-daughters.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays friends.

Just posting along

In more ways than one.

Posting....I am finally checking in at this blog.

And also, I refer to my latest "get my mind off of IVF" project which is English riding. Learning to post the trot in particular. I get it "in general" but am not doing something right with my shoulders.

Any way...my latest obsession is saddles. I need my own b/c my legs shoot off the front flap of every saddle I have ever sat in. Very frustrating and not condusive to good riding. It seems my femur is freakishly long.

<== This might just be the hunk of leathery love I need.

It has a deep seat, narrow twist, forward flap, thigh and knee blocks and has a "flexible tree" which will allow some flexibility in fitting different horses.

In other business....the silly cycles made my endo flare up. The left ovary hurts constantly and makes bending over quite painful.

Damn endo.

101 Posts! and anxiety is subsiding

Isn't this some sort of Blogger milestone I am supposed to recognize?

Happy 101 to me!

So, this anxiety of mine is about time. Time slipping away. Being too late. It's very hard. I will be 39 in February and while I know many women who conceived and birthed a child at 40, that will not be ME with *my* eggs. Because of the endometriomas, my poor ovaries have been through the ringer. They need to be left alone! While using donor eggs is expensive (about the cost of two fresh cycles using my eggs), I think the security of knowing the we would have a hugely increased chance of conceiving is worth the expense. Yes, seeing a mini me toddle around would be nifty but honestly, I just want to do this pregnancy thing before I turn to dust! Ivan ain't so hip on the cost. I don't blame him. We have not really discussed this at length as I need more info from RE and I have been in an emotional pit for weeks...I might be digging myself out finally. Knowing that literally the clock is stopped using donor eggs is of huge comfort to me.

We could do another fresh cycle or two but my response to the Gon*al-F was not great...I have reserve but the ovaries have been really traumatized by the endometriomas. Doing another fresh cycle with my eggs is not the best use of the money, it really isn't. I have to look at my goals here and perpetuating my DNA is not one of them...pregnancy is my goal.

If you have any donor egg stories to share, please do!

I need to check in with everyone!

Age is a factor

So my RE answered the questions I emailed.

We are dealing with issues of: (1) age and (2) endo.

Prior to another cycle, I should have a lap to clean up the endo and go on Lupron for 3 months. That would put another cycle after the first of the year.

Donor eggs would increase our odds to 60% chance of pregnancy.

Lots to think about.

For now I will enjoy the upcoming holidays with my girls and a trip to Vegas with my sister!

No decisions yet

Since my last post we have been mourning the loss of a lesson horse at the barn we board at. The girls and I were there when he injured himself in a stall which led to euthanasia a few hours later.

Too many sad events as of late to make any IVF decisions.

I am leaning towards saying good-bye to this IF journey but the pain from recent events is muddying my psyche so I just can't say yet. Right now, I don't have the emotional capacity to face another cycle.

Sending hugs to my fellow infertiles. I do hope all of you find peace on which ever path you choose.

Still no answers

Well fellow IFers, no answers here yet. Waiting on the period. We have not even discussed "what is next".

After the let-down of Tuesday and the tremendous bout of crying I got to do it all over again Weds when I learned that our lovely neighbor and mother of Goose's best friend died after an aortic aneurism. She was only in her early 40's, a pharmacist, mother to three daughters and a lovely, lovely woman.

This is not a good time for decision making.

Good luck to everyone...I will try to keep up with your blogs in the coming weeks.

For now I am going back on the pill until we make a decision.

Make it a double scoop?

Okay, well I finally "got it all out" yesterday...I had to stay strong b/c Ivan called a few times from work upon receiving my email. He was sad but more sad for ME so I had to hold it together. Let me just say that crying until you are on the verge of vomiting can be quite cleansing.

Here I sit. Tapping my foot as I ponder the future. Of course, I am still under the spell of progesterone b/c this evil stuff is not out of my system yet but I (we) do have some decisions to make. Where do we go from here? I have always prided myself in following my instincts so I am hoping once my cycle starts again and I am living on "normal" hormones, I can tap into those instincts and find my way.

* Do we try another IVF even though going into this I swore one cycle was it?

* Do I have a lap to clean up endo and we try on our own and that will be that?

* Do we adopt again?

* Do we stop and decide that enough is enough, enjoy life with our two and go to Europe on the money not spent on another cycle?

It's my age. My blasted age is what led to all of this silliness. Before now, I kept putting it off but now I have to face this monster staring me in the mirror...my chance for having a pregnancy is slowly but surely fading and I am afraid if I don't keep trying, I will regret it for the rest of my life. Honestly, ONE MORE IVF would *TRULY*, *TRULY* be IT. I cannot say that with enough emphasis. But, maybe we should not even go THAT far. Perhaps we should adopt again. Or perhaps we should just focus on the healthy children we have and move on with life.

The lingering problem here is that "positive" from the first cycle...the pregnancy that pooped out. It was like getting an ever so slight lick of the ice cream cone. As I went in for that first taste, someone moved the cone and I was only allowed a bit of its essence. The sweetness on the tip of my tongue was amazing. Sadly, it was gone before I could truly enjoy it in all its glory. I am grateful I got to taste at all but oh the yearning it left.

That sweet taste lingers in my soul. I have my nose pressed against the glass, peering in at the flavors awaiting me and I so badly want to order a double scoop on a sugar cone.

Do I walk away and enjoy the other treats life offers me or do I jump head-first into another one of those delectible cones? Because let's face it folks, the ice cream won't stay frozen much longer.

And, if I do belly up to the counter, will I even get a taste the next time?

That progesterone is a bugger

RENurse just called.

Negative.

We did not achieve a pregnancy.

12 hours to beta - 10dp3dt

Well, it's been a pretty down-in-the-dumps afternoon.

You see, at noon I decided foolishly to pee on a stick. Yeah, uh huh. It was negative. So to Dr. Google I ran. I found blog after blog of people having a negative hpt at 10dp3dt only to have a positive beta the next day. I have been somewhat buoyed by that.

Something happened at dinner, though. I cheered up sitting there with my doting Ivan and my darling Goose and Lili. While tomorrow will be sad, getting bad news "officially", I feel more at peace tonight. I feel beaten and battered and (tonight at this very moment) I just want to move on with life.

Right now I still feel nauseous and icky which is no doubt from the mild migraine I got today. I started seeing squigglies at 1PM or so and then the headache hit. The bb's are quite large compared to their normal size. Still feel like I am peeing way more than normal and I am very thirsty, dry throat. There were the strange pelvic pains today as well. But, hey, the pee stick said no!

I will post tomorrow as soon as I know something.

36 hours to beta

Whew...what a progesterone monster I have been this weekend. Honestly, I have tried to distance myself from folks so they haven't been exposed to the full throttle of my easily brought-on wrath. Ivan has been SO very sweet to me. He always is sweet but to be so nice when I am so crabby...that is a real man.

Ivan and I bought a PPV movie last night. You know, sometimes a good old fashioned scary movie is just really fun! Well, I bought and TiVo'd our movie and we snuggled up around 9PM to watch it. We picked the WRONG MOVIE! Fifteen mins into it I had to delete it. It was terrifying! At one point Ivan said, "oh, I can't be watching this!". As we age do we lose our tolerance for scary movies? It got so bad that I felt like any implanted embryos were in danger for their very survival! The movie was "The Mes*sengers" and if you like to be horrified, go ahead and rent it! It's not scary, it's horrifying.

One of the best scary flicks we ever saw was "The Oth*ers" (with Nicole Kidman). Oh my gosh, if you have not seen it, I highly suggest renting it. It's scary but not "send your embryos running for your cervix" scary.

Also this weekend we bought Halloween costumes. The girls and I are going to be "vampiresses" this year and Ivan was undecided about his costume. He said something about being a....pilot....he IS a pilot but okay, hon, whatever you want to "dress up" as! :) I couldn't help but wonder about any potential changes in my body five weeks from now when I will be wearing said costume.

Symptoms....the arse is quite sore beyond measure. Those shots really start to add up. My cheeks and hips hurt with every step. My bottom feels HUGE and my BB's feel huge. I am an "A" cup and am very aware of my boobs this weekend. How do you big busted women do it? Ack! My jeans are tight...typical bloating.

Late this afternoon I got a sour stomach and that "vomit-y" feeling after eating. Who knows. Progesterone slows digestion so it could just be that.

Here is a question I have for all of you....does progesterone have a cumulative effect as we take it? We have a set dose each day...same amount. Do any potential symptoms start right away or does it slowly build up to bring on the symptoms? I would think you would have the symptoms from day 1 upon starting it. My heavy boobs did not start until Thurs or Friday...the same says I noticed them being heavier with IVF 1 and I was pregnant at that point. Or, does it take the progesterone ten days to build and start causing the symptoms? I would love to know! Please chime in. My only experience was the last cycle.

I SO want to be released from this hell. Thank goodness that beta time is almost here! I honestly don't know what the result will be...it could go either way.

I needed that whistle

So I was walking to my vehicle in the WM parking lot this morning and would have sworn I heard a sort of "cat call" coming from a passing mini van that had the driver window down. Nah, that wasn't for ME, I thought. Then, while loading my items into my 4R the same van drives by and this time the male driver whistled! HA! It's pretty pathetic when you are so low due to the 2ww that a pathetic guy in a MINI VAN can boost your day with his whistle! Yes, I am headed to pathetic-ville folks. Sad but true.

I took three Ty*lenol today to head-off any headache that might try to attack me this afternoon. Yesterday's headache turned into a migraine that had me practically moaning myself to sleep by bed time.

Today I am dealing with a mild headache, constant urge to pee and crampiness, bloating, larger BB's. All of these things are no doubt from the progesterone and it occurred to me...AHA...also caused by my effing endo! I am sure that prog has the endo just raging away in there.

This 2WW has been especially excrutiating and I don't know why. I hate it for all of us...that we have to go through it and often are disappointed in the end.

Nurse says too early for symptoms

Well, this is throwing me for a loop.

I emailed RENurse about my symptoms b/c I wanted to verify that I could take acetemenophen for the headaches...I really hate to take anything unless absolutely necessary.

She emailed back that she has never seen my "combination" of symptoms (gag reflex feeling, peeing a lot, nausea, hot/cold flashes, headache,) WTF?? and that it's too early for HCG triggered symptoms any way.

Okay, so it sounds like I am losing my effing mind then!

Can anyone on this ridiculous planet tell me why, if this is a "bug", it only seems to come in the afternoons?

Does the progesterone build up and cause weird-o symptoms at some point?

Not only is my HEAD ACHING like a sonofabitch and my stomach nauseated but now I am pissed off....just pissed in general that feeling this bad means NOTHING related to pregnancy (or so I am being told).

EFF YOU ENTIRE IVF PROCESS!! Girls, I am starting to "lose it". I can't do this again. Ever. Nope. Paperchasing to China or Vietnam is a process you are in control of...and there is a child at the end of all the craziness!!! I don't give a rat's a$$ about my DNA...other than passing on my ability to eat to my heart's delight and not gain an ounce, I have nothing special to pass on to anyone. Raising someone else's DNA is fine with me. Yes, I desperately want this to work...I so very much do. I want to experience pregnancy more than I want a "bio" child. But I don't want pregnancy badly enough to play the mind games...it takes over your life and I want my life back!

What I would give for a cold alcoholic beverage right now. Let me promise this, Internet, if the beta is negative, I will be tying one on like never before.

Care to join me?

Symptom Update:
Really, really crampy now. If this were any other cycle I would say "I am about to start my period". But, we all know the PIO prevents that. So, can someone please explain the cramping? Yes, I, TOO, would like to knock me in the head, rendering me comatose until Tuesday morning.

7dp3dt - 10dpo

What a horrid night. I went to bed at 9:15pm.

I was up to pee at 10:15, 11:20, midnight and then another few times but I did that in my sleep pretty much. Suffice it to say it was a bad night. I could feel blood pulsing throughout my body...like one big heartbeat.

The PIO hurt like hell this morning b/c I think we hit a never or something. The pain has been shooting down my hip all the way to my ankle! Like yesterday, I am taking today "off" from life...I have decided to "check out" until the beta...that means I have been sitting on the couch watching A Ba*by Story. This is NOT my usual behavior...unless a national disaster has occurred, Pash does not have the TV on during the day...EVER!

Within the last ten mintues, the nausea has started and the headache is here along with a feeling of being hot. I can feel my heart beating in my ears....could this be from my relative inactivity?

Goose has to do chores at the barn tonight and I usually help lifting 50# feed bags, bales of hay, etc.. Geez, not only am I not supposed to lift but I doubt I will feel like driving there let alone HELPING. Ugh.

Beta is TUESDAY, Sept 25, 8AM.

Yes, I will pee on a stick but not until Sunday at the earliest and only if these strange symptoms keep up. I have seen enough negative pee sticks in my life...I don't need even ONE more! I love hearing from you...thanks for the encouragement.

Feeling strange

6dp3dt - (9 days post "ovulation")

It is probably the PIO but I am not feeling well this afternoon.

I feel "unsettled", short of breath, hot then cold, tired, peeing a lot, mild headache off and on (have not had headaches in ages), weak. BB's fuller but not sore.

Like I said, PIO most likely but documenting any changes just in case.

Update: Perhaps I have gotten a badly timed bug? Ack. Hot flashes, sick to my stomach, blech...really sick to my stomach. Very unsettled.

Update 2:
Yep, something it happening. I either have a bug or there is something more long-term ((wink, wink)) going on. Constantly yawning, very sour stomach, peeing constantly. Still having hot then cold flashes. And, I seem to be a bit crampy. Not hard cramps, just crampy-ish. Saliva to the point of my mouth being "frothy". Tried to nap but a bad headache woke me. It's not one of my migraine-type headaches...it's different. Geez, what else could it be? I really don't want to be fooling myself and I think it's way too early to test. If I had to classify this, I would say "it's how I felt in July".

The pee, the tiredness and the hunger

Okay, PIO is a strange beast. For one thing, I have absolutely zero reactions to it. Even the physical introduction of the needle and the slow administration of the thick oil into my arse is not even painful! (I am tellin' ya..stand with your toes pointed in).

It's the side effects...

For one, the pee. Egads, the pee smells so funny! I remember when I had my miscarriage and we stopped the PIO...I actually missed the smell. Oh, we IVFers are a funny lot, yes? Beyond the strange smelling urine, there is the extreme tired that hits around noon...it's intense and has led to more than one nap for AshPash. Lastly, there does not seem to be enough food in the county to feed me. Food is constantly being crammed into my mouth. And in large amounts.

Okay, symptoms, where are you? Calling all symptoms!

5dp3dt

And, of course, no symptoms or hint of anything. Too early.

I remember last time I had very full bb's on Thursday following the transfer but that could have been from the plethora of meds used up to that point...Lup*ron, Gon*al-F, PIO, etc..

Last night I told Ivan that I don't think it worked. How could it? How could THREE celled embies transferred on day 3 actually make it? (Yes, that is an invitation to email your uplifting stories that include such humble embies). I am just thinking that an embie at three cells really doesn't want to be in my uterus....as stellar and accomodating as I believe it is...I really think my embies would have rather been in the tube on day 3.

Yesterday I was really, really down. I admit to a little crying jag. I KNOW it's the PIO making me hormonal...that is a huge part of it. Last night, all of a sudden, my attitude changed...I felt uplifted. Not sure why. A sense of peace came over me.

Today? Same sense of peace. Hmmm. I am a toe-tappin' nervous wreck but, hey, I am peaceful!

Any words of wisdom? I so very much dislike the w a i t.